My boy is off to University and it's breaking my heart.

[Slinky987]

Our family is dissolving.

It's killing me.

Sounds like you've got more going on that just your son leaving for university - best friend dying and moving location are pretty big issues too. That much change is tough. It will take time to adjust. Xxx

I get it completely OP. I find it so, so hard. I'm so proud of DS, I'm excited for him, I'm confident that he's going to have a wonderful time. But I'm going to miss him so so much. He's a lovely person and brilliant company.

I am working very very hard on being positive and excited in front of him. He knows I'll miss him- there's nothing wrong with that- but he doesn't know how much. I've been crying in the bath and the car so that no-one sees! He's been through a lot in his young life, and a lot of my sadness comes from that too, I think I'm dreading taking him because I'll have to work very hard indeed not to cry in front of him.

We'll be okay in the end OP- This will become the norm in no time at all. Huge hugs to you.

When my DD went I had to sit in the chair she always say on because I couldn't stand seeing it without her curled up with a book engrossed.
It gets better. We've got into a routine where I go and meet her every month and we have lunch and a good catch up. She is about to go back for her final year and I will miss her enormously.

Ohh. That's how I'm feeling.

Good thoughts to you lady. Xx

I completely understand.
I will be you in 4 years.
And that 4 years is going to fly past.
I will be heartbroken too. I will never be as happy once he's gone as I am now, with us all together.
When you have your newborn baby on your chest and you fall deeply in love, you feel like you've got an infinite amount of time ahead of you with your child. So long into the future that at the time it feels like forever.
And then - click! It's gone. 18 years is gone in a flash. Faster than the blink of an eye.
My 14 years with my DS has gone so fast that I can't even make sense of where the time has gone.
We have our children for a brief period in life. Then we have to let them go and it will never return to the life we once had together with them.
It's real heartbreak.

Take it back out

I don’t want to dismiss how you feel because for the moment this is a very sad time for you but I wonder if in time can reframe how you are thinking about things and maybe find the exciting parts for your relationship.

We are still a massive part of my uni aged child’s life and I didn’t for one second feel that we wouldn’t be.

Every time she is home feels like an exciting event in my life. I go to her and meet her too and spend time with her doing what we both enjoy doing together. It is a really lovely and very exciting stage one where we have been with her every step.

Moving forward could you look at shifting the focus to figuring out the ways to create new joy in your life doing the things you love to do so that you don’t feel it is on this one relationship being the way it used to be to sustain family, family will absolutely survive this change in circumstances. Your relationship with him is what will sustain that and so long as you have a good well developed relationship with him it will always be there.

We are dropping eldest today. Have such a clear memory of the night she was born Dh and my mum had been sent away and it was just me and her and I felt sad as one day she would leave - and that’s today! Full circle.

Such a weird mix of feelings sad to lose her but also excited for her to go out into the world. New phase for her but for us too.

Honestly cautionary tale for parents of younger ones don’t give everything up for parenting because it does end. Thankfully Dh and I have lots going on would be really tough otherwise.

Bless you, it's normal, it does feel like that when they go away, but they do come back again! And then they get under your feet, as you get used to your own space 😄 But take it as a sign you've done your job well and they have the confidence to fly the nest...there's a saying "give them roots, and wings to fly" 🥺 Try to see it as an excuse to visit and experience another city/town..my own boy went to York which I'd never been to before. I fell in love with it..now I don't need any excuse to go up there!

Some people don't seem to understand that it's possible - normal! - to feel more than one emotion at the same time.

I don’t normally comment on these threads but it would be good to moderate your language, and that might help the way you feel.

My son died. I know what heart break is. Our family is dissolving, it’s killing me.

No it isn’t.

I watched his friends go off to university and his parents ‘grieve’

I’m not belittling your feelings. It is a huge change. I will feel exactly the same way when my remaining son goes in a year or two. I’m already preparing myself.

But please use other words to describe a wonderfully positive stage of your young man growing up. It is a tremendous privilege.

I appreciate that you are sad, but he’s going to uni, not to war. Please don’t mar this next adventure for him with over-dramatics, and for the love of god do NOT embarrass him.

One of the benefits of outstaying your welcome at home (as I did) is that by the time you eventually move out, the only tears one's parents shed are those of JOY.

My mum had the painters in to start the redo of my bedroom into her new 'dining room' before I'd reached the front door.

I’ve done the empty nest uni pain twice, I promise you it gets easier and they spend long holidays back at home, sometimes they come back after before going off again, for good. By which time you’ve adjusted and your relationship is different, not worse just different. Just as special. But your empty, tidy nest is one you cherish.

I think the poetry was a bit much though, I sent a laminated card on how to do your washing without it all ending up grey.

Do you have other DC? I was surprised all over again when DC2 went. I’d been so pragmatic, I was caught out. Then Covid happened and he reappeared 🤣. Then he left for work in a different city, and now he’s back for a better job closer to home to home. Boomerangs they are.

Disagree with this we should never bottle up our feelings, posters son is an adult and will expect his mum to be upset and is all part of the process of dealing with emotions whether his own or his mums.

No point pretending to be jumping for joy that her son is moving away, he will know she is upset.

How often will you see each other? Eldest dd either came home or we went up to her about every 6 weeks. It was much harder when she did a year travelling and we saw her every 3-4 months.
youngest was closer and came home about once a month. She has moved back in after uni.

I was you last year OP, i was so incredibly sad. We're a close family and it came a time when I had other big changes also.

His sister started last weekend, he is going back today and honestly whilst I feel a bit sad I am 10x better! It honestly goes so very quickly and I made sure we had a great plans for when he came back (and will do again for both of them this year).

I do have a younger DC at home so no empty nest but such a different one!

Keep busy, it will fly, and (i know it isn't done) but hugs. X

Oh I get you completely, we drove our eldest to Uni at the other end of the country, made a weekend of it as it is 8hrs+ drive. I was fine, I was fine, I was fine until I absolutely lost it and was a puddle over dinner on the last evening. It took me by surprise (and I excused myself and cried outside away from him).

That was four years ago. And I don’t want to upset you further but he has only come home three times, he met his partner in his second year and they live together in the same area now, we visit once a year and speak on FaceTime a couple of times a week but it really was the end of him living at home.

Our daughter is going to live with us for a long time yet, she says (she’s early 20s) but our youngest (teen) wants to follow in his brothers footsteps with the same uni and career so I might have to wave him off too.

Obviously I’m happy for him and proud and love that he’s independent and flown the nest but it does also break my heart a little bit.

Also, I have severe ADHD, as does he, and a little discussed facet of that is the matter of completely forgetting about people when they aren’t around; and then remembering. And every time I think of him I go through the same little grieving process over again.

Your family isn’t dissolving OP, it’s evolving.

You’ve raised a YP who’s flying the nest. Yes you’ll miss him, but please don’t let him think he’s somehow ruining your family by going!

Find some things to focus on and fill your time if necessary - take up new hobbies, join a walking group, volunteer. Most of all, wave him off with confidence and tell him you’ll be fine!

I'm sorry for your loss and agree OP's words were insensitive (and melodeamatic)

Adults especially parents need to deal with and manage their own emotions not push them onto other people to manage for them especially not trying to guilt a son for this exciting phase of his life.

We can maintain a lovely interdependence on others where we rely on them and them on us without behaving in controlling or manipulating ways. Pushing these emotions onto her son will not be a good way of developing their relationship going forward and is likely to feel manipulative to her son.

I hate to break it to you, but my DD has been home for the holidays since June and is going back for her third year. It never gets any easier.. and I have to face the fact that I have no idea whether she will ever be home for even the long vacation again. She could literally get a job anywhere in the country and be permanently living there, this time next year.

This ! Yes its important to have your own plans and life outside your child. They dont need 100% of you 100% of the time....keep something for yourself even when kids are young.

If this is any consolation- my three ping ponged in and out of home in the uni years. The holidays come quickly, you’re so happy to have them back, then eventually also a certain joy when they go back again!
And they were back home off and on afterwards, in and out of home until they got settled with jobs etc.
My big advice with boys - accept the fact that you will probably be the one who has to initiate contact most of the time. Don’t take it personally. I would text each week if they hadn’t contacted me. Nothing much, just a “hello, how’s it going?” There would usually be no reply. Eventually it would be “are you ignoring your mother or just drunk in a ditch somewhere?” That would get a laugh and a response. Maybe a text, maybe a call. Boys need to know the stability of home is still there. It’s worth the effort of maintaining contact (without pestering them) and they eventually start contacting you!
You’ll be fine, honestly.