My boy is off to University and it's breaking my heart.

[Slinky987]

Our family is dissolving.

It's killing me.

I don’t get this.. my kid has just started college (16) and I’m absolutely delighting that he has got to that stage in life. I’m so proud of him and happy that he’s turning into an adult. I know it’s not the same stage at a son leaving for uni but for us it’s huge as he’s now travelling into the city by himself to get there etc. but my point is they all grow up they all spread their wings. It’s our job as parents to teach them to live without us so take a step back for a min in your sadness and think about how blooming great it is. It’s likely your family isn’t dwindling but it’s the start of it growing.

Absolutely this.

You know there are so many heartbreaking stories of what other families are going through.

If parents feel better by letting out their emotions on these threads let’s just think about how they must be feeling and be kind.

A ship is safe in harbour but that's not what she's built for.

My eldest boarded for upper 6th so we had a gentler lead in to going to uni. The first night I dropped him at boarding I drove away, went and parked a couple of miles away and cried for 20 minutes proper full on blubbing, which is rare for me. But then it was ok, the house seemed a bit quiet on Sunday nights but we took to going to a pub quiz and that sorted those feelings.

It still hit me when he went to uni but it was more worrying about him (he has SNs) but after the first few days it got easier, fortunately I was able to offload in those first day on my colleagues as I didn't want my younger DC picking up negative vibes at home. It gradually changed our relationship, either he came home or one of us visited once a month or so, he became more independent and started to love getting to know his uni town/county and loved showing me round when I visited (I went more than DH who has weekend sport commitments). I started to fill all the time when he was away with more hobbies and exercise and soon found myself adjusting. He's back here now having graduated this summer, I don't know how long for as the SNs are still an issue. It's just step by step. My youngest goes for the first time today, it hasn't hit me yet but she's not going far and is a quiet homebody so may be back fairly often, or she might not, who knows. She's great company, I will miss her but the time is right for her to go and actually I need my time back, elderly parent care has kicked in big time recently so DD becoming more independent now is a good thing and I know I will appreciate more free time after a period of adjustment. Hang on in there, it will get better.

Awww how lovely.🥰

He will have a fantastic time as long as you let this happen! On Monday I am babysitting my son's little girl and I remember all too well the first day he left to go to university. We are just as close now as we were then. The only thing I used to do was to ask my kids to make sure on WhatsApp I could see when they were last online because otherwise I'd panic if I hadn't heard from them. I still remember my daughter phoning me at midnight when I was in bed and we were having a lovely chat when she shouted suddenly won't be a minute, and it turned out they were all going out and she'd called me while she was getting ready. It really brought it home to me how she was having a completely different life!

This post reminded me of something that happened to me about 15 years ago. I used to catch a bus to work and became friends with another lady who took her son to school. We would occasionally have coffee. Just before Christmas she said she had bought his present. It was a Bible that she had underlined various passages to show him the way to be a good son. I asked, did he want a Bible? Oh no she said, he wanted (insert what was the in thing that year). She had told me that he didn't really fit in at school his friends called him weird. Each morning, to me at least, he came across as a friendly, chatty, polite little boy of 10 years old. I moved away and didn't keep in touch but often wondered how he carried the weight of that 'gift'. Hopefully OP, your book of poetry is something he would normally appreciate as a gift and the message of you missing him won't make him feel a weight of guilt like he is abandoning you. Whilst you fee sad now, it's amazing how quickly you get used to the extra freedom and in fact you do stop worrying about what they are up to as the gravitate to like minded people and make a little family away from home who then become your extended family. My sons uni friends look after me like sons!

My oldest left for university the year Toy Story 3 came out. Andy was off to college, his mum was making him clear out his room and I was mentally shouting at the screen ‘he’s coming back in a few weeks, he needs his room for years yet’.

It didn’t seem like a final thing and I was happy for her to be making this exciting new step in her life.

My body didn’t completely agree though. We went as a family to see Mamma Mia and my sister suddenly asked me what was the matter. It was during ‘Slipping through my fingers’ and a tear had started rolling down my cheek. I wasn’t consciously crying, I was enjoying the show, but my body had decided to express its feelings.

Both my children returned home to live a couple of times after university in between different house shares, job changes. Now they each have their own home. Life moves on - for all of us.

Aw OP. I did the drop off seven hours drive away for my only DD last weekend. I worked so hard to not let her see how emotional I was as we left. I spent the next couple of days crying at totally unexpected things, looking into bedroom wistfully and trying to persuade DP that I needed to get a kitten. One week on exactly today, and I'm fine! She has had an amazing Freshers week and I have had started exploring the next steps for me. It does feel like a new era for us both and I'm going to treat it as such!

Allow yourself a bit of processing time and let your DS do what he should be doing -setting off on adult life- without feeling responsible for you. Then make some wonderful plans for this next phase in your life!

This is a forum to exchange ideas.

Change is hard, and while we want our kids to be successful and move out to university/job etc it is tricky when for many many years as parents we’ve been involved in their lives every day.
My 3rd (and last) goes to uni today. I’m so excited for heer, and she is ready to go. But I am aware of massive changes to our household, and my role after 24 years of day-to-day caring for them.
Advice I’ve been given is to be kind to yourself (I’ve booked a massage for 10 days time as this is one of my favourite treats), some long walks, time to look at photos. I’ve also booked to visit for the day part way through term.
Good luck to all taking their kids this weekend x

Am I reading this right?

Are you saying you can't understand why that book is not a good idea?

'Won't be less good' - means?

That you think putting in a poetry book and a slushy self-indulgent letter is a good idea?

This really is all about you isn't it?

Consider your son and HIS feelings perhaps.

You're not helping him.

I think they’re reasonable feelings that you’re having, Op! Otherwise there wouldn’t be the phrase “empty nesters”.

You sound like you’re not showing him that you’re sad, and I think your private sadness is completely reasonable.

I think the only thing you can do is be there for him when he needs you, throw yourself into hobbies, allow yourself to feel sad that the last 18 years are over. The next bit of both your lives is about to begin, and that is a daunting prospect.

He sounds like a great kid.

Ah this is why you are so sad! You are grieving all this other stuff as well. Ive lost some very close friends and got ages after other things made me sadder than I thought I would usually be.
of course you will miss DS but this post suggests it is so much more than that. Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

OP are you in the UK? Going by your posting times you need to get yourself some sleep! That's me mothering you 😉

I think with all huge changes the build up and transition are the absolute pits, but things very quickly find their groove. My relationship with my parents really matured in a good way after I moved out and we were much closer afterwards as a result. All the best.

@Slinky987 I get where you're coming from, and of course you're going to miss your son when he goes away, but, as others have said, it's not fair to make him believe that you're not going to cope without him.

He shouldn't be made to feel guilty that he's going off and doing his own thing, he should only be made to feel that you're excited for him to go and spread his wings.
You've written that you're looking forward to Christmas, and even that comment might make him feel under pressure to make sure he's back home to spend time with you during this period or else you'll be devastated.
He might well want to spend Christmas time with any new friends or partners he may meet, so don't let him think that you're sitting at home counting down the days until you get to see him during the holidays.

I assume your son's probably already read your message, so maybe it'd be wise of you to just tell him that you were having a bit of a sentimental wobble, that home will always be home, but you want him to explore life and would love to see him whenever he wants to come back.
Let him do his own thing and he'll feel free, gain confidence and will look forward to seeing you more if it's on his own terms.

This. This is how my mother was, and not just uni but every vcacation, every Xmas. It was a huge burden. Eventually, I saw very little of her, though to be fair visiting her as an adult was always accompanied by her criticising my clothes, my career decisions etc. But again, that was a way of trying to control me, too. I’m sure that’s not the case with you, OP, though the book of poetry is veering close. Just police yourself and wallow (which is understandable) in private.

Bloody hell, the replies to this OP is insane. Yes it's a bit dramatic, but that's how the OP feels, and that is completely normal and okay. Just because other parents haven't felt the same doesn't mean it's wrong. There is such a complete lack of empathy for anyone that feels differently, it's insane.

The one thing I would say (gently and with care) is that the note speaks of parenting him in the past tense. I think that maybe your DS might need to know that you're still there for parenting duty. There's such a lot of pressure on young men to be stoic and to cope and I'd be a bit concerned that thinking the parenting bit is more or less over would exacerbate that. Just something to consider OP!

I've decided not to give a card/book to DS, but I'll be sending him some nice chocolate and a letter in a bit. His best mate went to uni last year and told me that he found the first week or so unexpectedly tricky and lonely, so I think it would be nice to hold some little gifts back, just to remind them that they're still a part of the family and are thought of!

Don’t worry Op. He will be back before you know it. Most of the parents I know have their post-uni kids living at home because they can’t afford to live anywhere else. The extended family home of the 1960s has made a comeback .

Absolutely this.
Cut out the dramatics. Don’t you have anything else in your life?

🙄Given the choice between a mother whose upset and missing me and a mother who doesn't....I know which one I'd rather have

I've only ever heard this on Mumsnet. Never in real life. My oldest DD left home at 16 living in job in stables. The next 17/18 living their own lives. We are very close as a family,help each other out. I was an only child, completely cloistered, not allowed to do anything,it was extremely difficult and didn't prepare me for the world outside. As my DKs have got older they now live roughly an hour away. Youngest DD now moved 10 minutes up the road.

Ahh, we watched it the other week.

I’m so sorry, @outofofficeagain. I have no words for you, but much empathy. You’re right about it being a privilege.