My boy is off to University and it's breaking my heart.

[Slinky987]

Our family is dissolving.

It's killing me.

DD went off to uni a couple of weeks ago and I’m missing her like crazy.

What I didn’t expect was for it to bring up memories of going to university myself and how hard it was for my mum. (Remembering this was before mobile phones and the internet. I used to have to ring her from a phone box and write letters.)

It was years after I left before she told me how hard it was. I didn’t really understand it at the time. She died in 2023 and I just want to tell her that I understand now. I’ve found myself grieving for her all over again.

This. I'm hopeful she retrieved the poetry book.

It's occurred to me that if the son is feeling homesick and opens the book to see the message, won't it make him feel worse?

Yes!

I think this is very true.

I only learned of my Mum's anxiety and feelings as an adult in my 50s.

If I'd known at 21 it would have unsettled me.
Even then, I phoned home weekly (from a phone box) and wrote a weekly letter.

I don't think young adults should carry their parent's sad emotions with them when they are starting out on a new life for themselves.

There are plenty of ways parents can show love in a more positive, upbeat way.

I get it, OP, I have twins who will be off in a couple of years. The thought of them leaving at the same time and reading your thread... I have tears pricking my eyes and feel almost physical pain.

I am trying to prepare myself now for a full and busy life so that I can cope when the time comes. I wish you joy and peace, and Christmas is just around the corner!

You should worry, mine is moving to South Korea!

Your family is evolving. My girls are my whole entire world. I WFH and am devoted to them. It's not normal from what I've seen to be perfectly honest.

But I'm doing things backwards. I'm working part-time now and working towards going back into full-time out of the house work when youngest goes to big school. I will be 54. So I'm planning 10 years in advance because I do not want to have to make a post like this.

I'm trying to replace this soul-crushing sadness with excitement.

I felt overjoyed when my oldest left. I also felt excited for her and relieved. She's autistic, was quite dependent and shy so when she chose to go away I was proud of her bravery. I didn't cry, or hugely miss her. We were in contact all the time. I'm also autistic though so maybe I don't see the world the same as everyone. But if I'd given her a note breaking down how many days I'd been her mum and a book of poetry she would have been mortified - and really put off going away. For us, that would have been a failure.

This really resonated with me. We've just got back after dropping ds2 off. We took ds1 yesterday. They're a school year apart but ds1 did a gap year hence them both off to different unis this weekend. I am excited for them both but I've just found myself having a cry and I realise it's because I'd love to be phoning my mum and telling her all about it. Ds2 was a bit grumpy today too and I remember how I was tetchy when mum dropped me off and then she would have arrived home to an empty house being a widow. ...

I'll be fine tomorrow and wishing them both a fun Freshers week.....!

It's not healthy,
You risk suffocating your girls.
They may end up resenting you so it's good you are going something now.

My mum was always over-protective, a full SAHM, and showed her anxiety over anything I wanted to do. It put doubts in my mind and affected my confidence a bit.

The way I reacted was to move 350 miles away the minute I left uni and got a job, and I've never returned to my home area.
I know she's found this very hard but it was the only way I could live my own life without her holding me back.

BlueSuedePumps, I agree,my kids are 30/50 and were resilient,can stand on their own 2 feet, genuine adults at 18, renting their own properties. They are doing the same with their children..no wonder you now have primary school age children with mental health issues.

You totally misunderstand. I do not suffocate them at all. My internal feelings are just that and discussing them here does not mean that I put any sort of anxiety onto my children.

I encourage their independence and tell them so. My girls will grow up knowing I'm always here for them and they always have a home with me but my job is to guide them into full independence. My 9 year old is already walking home from school alone. She's had a healthy attachment since babyhood and that's because I'm a presentation and attentive parent, but part of that is fostering their independence. This is my main job.

As for when they move out this is exactly my point. I do not want to feel sad. It is not sad, it's beautiful and it's my life’s work.

I'm going to be going back into the workplace and make new friends and have new experiences. I'm looking forward to it already and my question to the OP and the many I have seen like her is why on earth have you not prepared for this years in advance? Some of them are probably taken by surprise and that goes back to my original point. I think many of us aren't attentive enough in the early years and then we feel the emptiness and guilt when they leave.

I don't believe I will have that feeling because, as I say, it's my job to see them off into the world happy and well adjusted. I'm devoted to them but they don’t exist for me. I exist for them.

Some of the comments on here are really mean. I think as a Mum I’ve cried at lots of different milestones from giving up breastfeeding to first day of school to the first trip to A&E. I don’t think my kids feel suffocated. I cried when my eldest got her apprenticeship! My mum once said to me that your children aren’t yours to keep and I feel that very much now. We’ve all just got to hope we’ve given them the best start and all the tools they need to live their best lives. We shouldn’t be berating other Mums for their feelings of angst we should be supporting eachother.

Where we live job opportunities aren't great. DD doesn't drive for medical reasons, and as we are rural public transport isn't great.

I would feel so sad if DD moved back here to a small life with few opportunities.

She is doig a vocational post grad degree in a city just two hours away by train and is thriving. I am happy because she is happy and settled. Isn't that what we want for our DC?

Whatever you do don’t burden them with your mental health issues, you have done your job they aren’t your possessions, if you have done a job job they’ll fly and visit you when they need to check in.
Get yourself a life, a new or old hobby, keep lines of communication open and let them have a life without you smothering the life out of them.

Had a little weep but actually so so happy. The right place the right course the other kids were exactly her tribe new friends on sight. Sent us the pics of their fab first night

That’s wonderful to read @TheaBrandt1 My university town was full of celebrating students rampaging joyously - their first taste of freedom!

Some of them will become homesick - I always advise they stick it out until Reading Week (usually halfway through our 12 week term) then go home. Even when they miss their families, they come back so appreciative of their independence and freedom.

And that’s the way it should be. And their parents should be pleased about this!

Not all universities or courses have reading week.

I think it's dependent on the course, more than the uni sometimes.

It is. Neither of mine had reading weeks. The sciences tend not to.

Yes my son has two friends at the same uni - one Humanities one Sciences. The first has reading week but not the second.

That makes sense. DD did a STEM degree and didn't have a reading week.

No of course not (although every university I've worked in does - trust MN to pounce on the irrelevancies!).

My point was that after about 6 or 7 weeks, if they stick it out without rushing back home, they'll go home for a weekend & realise they are actually enjoying their independence.

I know exactly how you feel, at the moment I feel like my heart is breaking & I can’t stop crying. Don’t let people judge how you’re feeling, you are you & this is how you feel, be kind to yourself. Sending you hugs. X