My boy is off to University and it's breaking my heart.

[Slinky987]

Our family is dissolving.

It's killing me.

This first term will seem really long but they do speed up and you will get used to it.

There's nothing wrong with letting a child know you're sad (within reason of course). It makes them feel loved and they're not really that bothered anyway. I remember my mum being slightly hysterical when I left but I can't say it affected me. Now my mum is gone and there's no-one to feel sad or worried about me going anywhere.

Anyway guys on my way up the motorway now to drop my youngest daughter off to start uni.

How do I feel….. super proud that she achieved the grades to be able to start this wonderful journey.

Am I sad.., hell yes I am super sad that my baby is moving away but I am confident that she will be absolutely fine. I will cry when I have to leave her later but I won’t feel guilty if I do. My daughter would wonder what was up if I didn’t cry, She knows me too well.

Good luck to anyone other parents doing uni drop off today.

My mother was in tears the day I left for uni. I was an older student making a huge financial sacrifice for a career move and it hit her like a ton of bricks. I think she had an inkling then that I would never again live in my home city but would settle where the work was. My parents never reconciled themselves to the fact that I wanted more out of life than they could possibly give me.

Dont resent the fact that your child has launched and is spreading their wings. And as other posters have stressed, never let them see how sad you feel or you will guilt trip them. Caring too much (as a parent) is just as bad for your offspring as not caring at all.

It will become easier, it's very weird at first. Remember they are home around 5 months a year, especially at first, which is nearly half of it! And things like Christmas become extra special.

He might be back in three years due to house prices. By then you'll probably won't want him back.

Sorry OP. It's hard. There's a thing called empty nest syndrome so you are not the only one.

That's not what the poste r is saying @Goldenbear . You've misunderstood.

She is saying that to have a clingy mum putting her own sadness onto you is stifling and leaves him guilt-ridden.

He doesn't need to be dealing with his mum's emotions as the same time as trying to navigate his own new life.

Decades back, I started my first job after uni 350 miles form home. My parents came with me (partly to bring my luggage as my own car was too small)

I heard years later that my Mum had cried all the way home- a 7 hour car trip- because a) she missed me and b) she was horrified at the state of the house share I was in.

If I'd known that as I about to start work in a very demanding job I'd have had that burden to cope with.

Parents need to put a brave smile on and not indulge their own emotions.

You will be fine @Slinky987 . Of course you’re sad but I’m sure you’re a proud mum as well. You’ve done a great job getting your DS this far. And guess what? He will be back before you know it. Those university terms are very short!

The poem is cringey.

you’re going to have lots of ‘me time’ now- enjoy it! Couple time, time with your pals, fitness, hobbies , travel - is gonna be great! 🍾

I am having that now 😭 One going back to uni, the other moved to another city with gf, for a job. As a single mum it’s going to hit really hard next week when it’s just me (thank god for my dog).

I don't get these comments.

Most parents of 18 year olds are not looking after them all day as if they are babies.

They already have hobbies, friends, work, etc.

I miss my kids when they're not at home, but this is greatly ameliorated by the fact they're have fun or learning, or getting stronger and successful.

Be like a flower, disperse your seed and rejoice when it reaches fertile ground and grows.

Good luck with it all!

OP are you a single mum?

I was going to ask the same.
Is his dad not around?

I wish people would make the effort to read all the OPs posts. Her best friend has died, she's recently moved to be closer to her parents (possibly precipitated by them getting older and less capable) and now her eldest child has left home. That's a lot of change, and so it's inevitable she's feeling sad. I'd suspect that it's a kind of displacement to be upset about her son going to University. A child going to University is very much mixed emotions because you are happy for them while knowing you will miss them. That's easier to deal with than the grief for her friend or worry about her parents and platitudes or stiff upper lips won't help.

@Slinky987 it's OK to miss him and be upset about this. I wouldn't share any personal messages online though, there are too many thoughtless people who will criticise it without knowing you, your son or anything about your relationship and what works for the two of you.

Fucking hell, some posts on this thread. Is no one allowed to feel sad in the moment about anything any more?

It'd be interesting to know if pps who are baying at OP for daring to feel sad about this are also among those who peddle the 'your children should come first and all else should be sacrificed for them' rhetoric. Are people supposed to just flip a switch or something?🤔

@BlueSuedePumps

true! Op will already have a well rounded life outside of being a mother won’t she.

He'll be fine. Hell have a wonderful time. He'll make new friends.hes been helped to this point in his life by his parents.

I’m not joking when I say that I had to go on antidepressants when my oldest son bought his flat and left home. He was 32! It’s utterly heartbreaking but now I feel nothing but excitement for him. If he hadn’t left when he did he wouldn’t have the girlfriend and new baby son he’s now got. It’ll be fine OP x

I've understood but whether you find it a burden or feel guilty when seeing your parents in an emotional state at an emotional time wholly depends on your upbringing, your familial relationships, there are no absolutes i.e. it is right and wrong. My wasn't that emotionally expressive so when she cried on leaving me at uni, I was actually heartened by it. DH comes from a very tactile/emotionally intelligent family and as a result he doesn't understand stiff upper lip thing.

You really need to calm down, being sad is fine but the poem, make it a one off no more sharing stuff like this as it’s making it all about you. My DS has now moved out to live with his GF. His sister very sadly died, found by her housemates. Him leaving recently for me has been excruciating, it is very obviously linked to when his sister left. I can understand that easily. I’m also under investigation for ongoing health issues of a serious nature. I have not at any point let him know how I feel as. it would be monumentally selfish.

MIL has a tendency to be dramatic and very emotional this causes huge issues between her and SIL and DH just avoids it all as much as possible. He says there is too much wailing and gnashing of teeth

On paper my MIL would come across as a better Mother, mine was however a lot of fun though not that maternal. Sadly no longer with us but being round her as an adult was easy because she was such a laugh.

What do you reckon his flatmates will think if they see that message in his (Waitrose, no less) shopping?

Do you really want to send your child to university with this 'heartbroken mother, dissolved family' (your words) cloud hanging over him?

Give the poor lad a break and keep it to yourself

I think I'd be gutted if I'd written a heartfelt message to my departing child and spelled "Pysics" wrong.

Sorry to disagree but in this case I think there is a right and wrong. It's not personal to me, but a general point about how parents behave.

Yes, it's fine to give them a hug and say you'll miss them.
But any more that that is not fair on them.

I doubt any professional (ie therapist) would agree it's right to burden your child as they start on a new venture in their lives, with your own sadness.

That's just selfish.

Nothing to do with stiff upper lip.

And0 your DD crying is absolutely fine, Her seeing you cry and saying your family life was over would be very self indulgent.

It is a very difficult adjustment for some of us. My youngest has just moved out into her own place. Moving back at home with me after uni allowed her to save for a great deposit. The day she moved out I cried a lot.
I took comfort that the author Victoria Hislop had a severe empty nest reaction. She says she was unable to stay in their house and decamped by lunchtime to their London home. Not all of us are able to do that for sure!! However, I understand the desire to do the same.
I had sold my house and timed it so we both moved out at the same time. I wanted to have new memories in a new place. Fresh start for both of us.
I actively encouraged and supported my daughter financially so that she would be able to launch herself. I did that because it was right for her and I love her. I do miss her to bits.
Don't be embarrassed or ashamed of your feelings, but you must not hold your child back! As previous posters have said take pride in successfully raising your child so they can move forward into adult life.