My boy is off to University and it's breaking my heart.

[Slinky987]

Our family is dissolving.

It's killing me.

Ah @Slinky987 I've been there.
This is not a thread for those who feel differently. It's ok to feel relieved or indifferent to your firstborn leaving but it's also ok to be sad.

I was sad. I kept up the jolly excited organising face until we drove away and cried all the way home. It was hard. I was lucky to have DS2 at home for two more years and that really helped.
DS1 bounced back a couple of times then came home for Christmas and it was lovely. I was sad again when he left for the new term. And so on.
When DS2 went two years later it was actually harder.

They both popped back home a lot and they each lived at home again for a year or more after uni.
You get used to it but there's no doubt it's the end of an era. The best era tbh.

Please don't think of it as your family dissolving. And please remove the poetry book / message before he sees it.

He will be back in a few weeks. It helped me not to think of it as him leaving home but going off to have adventures elsewhere for a few weeks.

Don't put your misery on him. Be excited for him. He's more likely to want to be in contact / spend time home in the holidays if you are excited for him.

A therapist may say this because it's their bread and butter, it doesn't mean it's categorically the truth, it is an interpretation but I happen to think it is a very unhealthy one. As I remarked upon in my last past, my Mum crying at uni drop off was heartening for me as she very much felt it was important to not really burden your children with your emotions. The downside of that growing up, is that you know your Mum is in pain, like when my Dad had an affair but in the pursuit of not making your kids feel guilty by not crying in front of them, they do it in a room, in private and make you feel even more worried as you know they are upset but your don't know why it is a secret, the silence is deafening in these situations.

I felt similar for the 10 days before DD went last weekend. However once I saw her room and helped her unpack a bit of stuff then took her for a food shop, I immediately felt better.lifted. It was quiet without her when we got home but knowing she’s having fun makes it all so much easier. Honestly though the preparation to go was far worse than the actual leaving them.

That’s harsh!
OP is grieving, she’s lost her best friend and moved to be closer to her parents. That’s a lot to deal with with.

I feel just the same way as you, OP.

I also lost my best friend this year, and my son going to uni has felt like a kind of bereavement too.

Think of it as a new exciting chapter where you can go visit and take him out for dinner at uni etc. you spend your life getting them ready for adulthood and this is an exciting time for him. Let him go and find himself! I remember going off to uni and I had a whale of a time!

I actually don't think it is

No-one I know was that extreme when their children went to university or moved away for a job.

It’s really hard op, but I visit my dd pretty regularly because it helps both of us to just check in every now and again. She has been away for three years now so I am used to it but still feel sad each time she leaves. Her time at university has been up and down though, it would have been easier if she ‘d been really happy, it’s hard being hours away when your child is having a tough time.
Late teens and early twenties can be difficult, and your son will still need support, it isn’t the end of parenting it’s just a different stage. I miss my daughter but it isn’t like my student days, calling home once a week. She texts through the day, we often have a little chat before she goes to sleep, or she will FaceTime me while she takes off her makeup and washes her face, sometimes I will be doing the same, so it’s like when she’s at home and we potter about together. I still have one at home, when she goes away there will be another big shift.
However, so many friends with older children now have them at home again, or have had them back at home for stretches while they save, have house renovations done, further studies etc. it isn’t always the end of your child being at home all the time !

@Slinky987 it’s definitely a kind of grieving process when young people go off to university. Allow yourself to feel what you want to feel. The years are so short; reading weeks, long Christmas and summer holidays. The time flys by.

I remember dropping DD at her halls two years ago. I had just been diagnosed with two cancers. I was distraught with emotion. DD going to uni, being miles from my own parents, my best friend had ghosted me and DP had also been diagnosed with an incurable health condition. In spite of it all, we went food shopping for DD, helped her unpack and had a nice meal out.

Be proud that you have raised a confident, capable and independent young person. Remember, there’s no shame in feeling sad too.

In the nicest way you need to get a grip and give him the freedom to grow up and enjoy this experience without having a wailing mother spoiling it for him.

What on earth do you mean by a therapist may say it as it's their bread and butter?

You mean they lie? Or try to appease a client by agreeing with whatever they say?

What a poor and warped view you have of professionals.

I think you will find that 90% of parents on this thread are saying what I am; don't burden your child with your own sadness. Yes, say you will miss them but putting in a self-indulgent letter and a poetry book is not the way to behave with an 18 year old about to start uni.

For all she knows, he too may be apprehensive and knowing his mum is in bits won' t help him.

The affair your dad had and the impact on you and the family is way off the point. That's a whole different topic.If it still upsets you, maybe you should talk to someone about it? Because it seems to be impacting on your judgement of what is appropriate behaviour from parents.

We're talking here about a boy being made to bear his mum's sadness when he's about to throw himself into Freshers' week, with all the mixed emotions he too may have.

I hope you don’t use this language with your DS. It sounds unbalanced and sounds like emotional blackmail. Starting university is challenging enough without a parent laying guilt on a child. Maybe you need to reflect on why a perfectly natural transition in life makes you so devastated?

100% this ^

Im in the same boat in that my much adored boy has gone last weekend, and a long way away.
I only cried briefly when we had to actually say goodbye after we had gone for a meal, but I had warned him that I am absolutely awful at saying goodbye to anyone, and I even cried saying goodbye to my daughters primary school secretary.
And that of course I was going to miss him alot, but I wouldnt for one moment want him not to go. Im so proud of him, and so excited for this new stage of life for him.
Time goes fast. It wont be long before its Christmas and he is home.
OP have you got something else to concentrate on? Do you have any hobbies you can throw yourself into - or an evening course?
Ive started a Masters, so its really helping me to not wallow in my sadness.

The quality of Therapists can really vary and yes, they draw a salary from it so it is in their interests to have something to say to you but it isn't a science so we aren't working with categorical rights and wrongs.

I don't get the impression that 90% are agreeing with you, plus this thread is on chat not AIBU, don't think the OP was looking for a vote on her character.

I referred to my Mum's reaction to my Dad's affair as it was an example of keeping your emotions suppressed even when it is not appropriate. It is completely natural to feel emotion and express those feelings openly at monumental times in our lives. Emotions aren't burdens and I think having to display a false sense of toughness is not healthy for a child either!

Starting university is fine for many teens, teens who are secure and confident are so because they are emotionally intelligent and that's not from having parents that suppress their own emotions!

I completely understand, ignore all the pull yourself together and don't ruin his life comments. When my only son left for uni two years ago I really didn't think I could cope, I grieved for my role as a mum to a child, being on my own and losing my best thing I've ever done to the big world. Proper heart wrenching sobs (and kerning don't care) in private. He knew I would miss him very much but that was a reassurance for him as no matter what challenges he faced, he knew he had unconditional love at home. In the meantime, this first term is indeed the hardest, I put together a box of little presents, socks, batteries, a few in joke items and I felt better when I posted it, the link was still there.

Be proud you have raised an epic child who has achieved academic success and they do come back, will rearrange your kitchen, explain how your political viewpoints are wrong and magically managed to lose the ability to do any washing despite managing whilst away.

Sending you love and it's only natural to feel bereft, it will be tough each time they return to uni after holidays but it will feel better sooner each time xxx

If you are a parent @Goldenbear I sincerely hope that you temper your views on this somewhat.

Children do not have to be exposed to every emotion a parent has in order to grow up secure and confident or emotionally intelligent.

Emotionally intelligent parents know how much to show and when to hold back, mindful that their own emotions can hinder confidence!

Kindly, your posts show that you still have the legacy of your parent's marriage where there was an affair of which they didn't speak, but caused an atmosphere.

You seem unable to latch onto the fact the OP is talking in highly emotional tones which suggest she has some real problems, far beyond the 'empty nest'.

I'd suggest again that IF you are a parent now yourself, you look into counselling to come to terms with this because the risk is you go too much the other way as a form of 'compensating'.

The quality of Therapists can really vary and yes, they draw a salary from it so it is in their interests to have something to say to you but it isn't a science so we aren't working with categorical rights and wrongs.

You clearly have no idea of what therapists do and what happens in counselling.

For a start therapists do not 'have something to say to you' - ie an opinion or advice. This is NOT how therapy works.

It's sad that you have such a cynical view of therapy as if it's all about money and saying what the client wants to hear, because your posts show you might really benefit from some.

The OP has said repeatedly that she is not letting him know how she feels. MN is supposed to be a place where you can discuss things you wouldn't say irl.

But she is in the poetry book?

Wow didn’t cry really is that normal to not feel any emotions about your child leaving home.

Not to the extent of crying, no.

Hilarious! I assume you are one with that level of defensiveness.

I have these people called, 'friends' that I can talk to and preferences so it may be an affront to you which I am not entirely clear why that is the case, seen as I am a stranger on the internet, but I prefer not to pathologize regular emotions. The events in my life that have been upsetting don't define me, that are not my identity so I am happy with the way I have processed them or process things and it works for me. If it doesn't for you that is fine too because we are all allowed preferences!

Who's to say what the quota is for crying. Maybe for you it is 5 minutes, people are different and they do things differently including expressing emotions.