My boy is off to University and it's breaking my heart.

[Slinky987]

Our family is dissolving.

It's killing me.

My bestfriend is in same position as you this morning OP so feel for you. But like I’ve said to her be so proud of yourself that you’ve got a child that’s made it to uni. In this horrible world we find ourselves in he’s made it, he’s still making it how wonderful that he has this opportunity and that’s down to your parenting.

@Slinky987 I totally feel you! We're just about to start packing up the car to take DD1 off to uni today. I'm hugely excited for her, but I am going to miss her terribly. Thank goodness for FaceTime, and for long holidays when they'll be back to eat us out of house and home once again! I've promised myself I'm going to do my very best to hold it together until we leave her, I don't want to embarrass her by blubbing all over her in front of her new flatmates!

I get it OP. Currently doing the rounds of uni open days and one or two friends/family have been interested in which unis we're visiting and then scoffed when I said we were trying to choose ones within a 2 or 3 hour drive and questioned why, then scoffed when I said we might visit said child for the odd weekend, or that said child might want to come home for the odd weekend.

They also scoffed at me for going with DC for open days.

As yet, their children aren't at this stage, so let's see how they approach it.

Britain has a culture of considering it to be macho if you send your university age child as far away as possible and refuse to socialise with them. It's considered 'weak' if you do anything else. Ridiculous.

OP, university terms are short. Their summers are long. Your child has not left home, they are just away during term-time, much like boarding school kids, and no-one considers them to have left home, so they? Try to reframe it like that.

I'm talking about far more than just z quick few tears and a hug at drop off.

For me, my Mum created my guilt and stress by a thousand tiny cuts.

You sound like a lovely friend.

Look, it’s an emotional time - he’s starting the next chapter of his life and it’s bound to stir up lots of feelings but this seems disproportionate. There are parents who have lost children or whose children will never go on to live independently, so talk of your family dissolving and writing poems about being his mum in the past tense is very crass.

It’s possible that you’re directing the grief you feel for your friend towards your son and that’s not healthy for you or fair on him.

Sorry to hear you are sad, but surely it is better that you plan things to do with the rest of your family. Then the time will fly by until he returns for the holidays.

Wow didn’t cry really is that normal to not feel any emotions about your child leaving home.

Surprising how many of you are not really getting it in how sad the poster feels, maybe the wrong person is being questioned here about her emotions.

Taking my eldest today. I honestly feel more excited for her. I have a cousin in his 30's still not left home and incredibly depressed and non functioning mostly as my Aunty has always relied on him I think. My mum relied on me too and this is a huge burden to put on any child (even if you think you are hiding it kids are very intuitive). The alternative to them not going is incredibly depressing try thinking of it that way.

Agree that the poetry book and the message are both OTT. Take them both out.

They’re both stifling.

He needs to travel as light as possible - practically and emotionally.

I am looking forward to some me time amongst the sadness.

Will he, though? It's many years, of course, since I went off to university but I remember being utterly shocked many months later when my dad told me Mum had cried much of the day I went off.

We get it OP - I’ve done it three times and it’s hard. Be kind to yourself as it takes time to adjust and for the new normal to settle.

Most kids know their parents well, your mum did well to hide it from you but you must have had some idea she was sad.

Why do you need to be liberated from the emotional connection you have with your Mum. To have that connection is strength, it's security, it's not a negative thing.

A simple bit of advice is all the poster needs.

You got it in one👍

My ex is late 40’s and his Mother has always made everything about her. She would want him to move in with her if he would agree to it! Thankfully he doesn’t but she makes him visit several times a week because she’s lonely. She gets irate and emotionally abusive if he doesn’t so it’s easier to go around to keep the peace. She’s a vile woman.

The saddest part is, is that he wouldn’t chose to do that but he feels he owes her so he basically puts his own life on hold to keep her happy. He can’t meet anyone else because he doesn’t have time. She even phoned him when he was on holiday to say she wasn’t well.

I know this isn’t the same thing as the OP, but my point is, a good parent would want whatever makes their child happy, even if it made them (as the mother) sad. If my DD moved to Australia I’d be gutted, as it’s so far away but I’d never try to manipulate her to stay, whereas some people would. I often feel sorry for my ex as his life evolves around his selfish fucker of a mother and I think it’s such a waste of a life for him yet she’s not bothered

My 70 year old DH is very sentimental about his childhood and his much loved mother.

On the other hand I get people saying “what you going to do”. “You’ll miss him”. My son left a few weeks ago. I brought him up alone and he never met his Dad and my
parent died young. I was counting the days, don’t get my wrong I adore my son and he treats me like a Queen but seriously I’m sick of hanging out with an 18 year old. He needed to go and make strong friendships and bonds elsewhere and become a man. He needed to discover who he is. I’m also aware it’s not healthy to be codependent. He needs to be his own man and develop the confidence. He had loads of friends and hobbies at home but not the same, that’s why I’m glad he’s away at university. An adventure. When I dropped him off at his basic halls with a wafer thin mattress I thought I wouldn’t like to live here but he was really happy and even claimed the wafer thin mattress was comfortable. We text 50 times a day but that will ease off. I’m here for him and happy to see him go. I won’t lie I felt terrible when people were giving it you’ll miss him, like there’s something wrong with me that I’m glad he’s going and I’m a bad parent. He’s to grow up and I’ve to claim my old life back after 18 years, thankfully I’ve got plenty of friends. Thankfully I could join the gym or get a hobby all the things I couldn’t do before as my life revolved round my son.

Your second paragraph is so beautifully written, it brought a tear to my eye! ❤

I think this is about loss too, loss takes many forms it is not just when someone dies. It is likely related to the loss of your friend and the recent move. One more thing to cope with maybe just feels too much?

Yes I agree, I have just re read it and it is such a lovely paragraph.

It's normal to be sad and shed a tear when your child leaves home but OP is being OTT and dramatic.

My son is going back for his second year and I still feel the same as you. I’m happy uni has been very good so far, but it’s still a wrench. I’ve loved every second of the last three months of him being back home.

well said