I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

MNers without children might not be the best place to ask this question, as many of us are childfree by choice so can't answer you.

I assume this is a thread about a thread where some annoying person has come on and said, "I just don't undersatnd how anyone would choose NOT to have children... it's so fulfilling." and then acted all outraged that a childfre person feels differently.

On the off chance it's genuine - believe it or not, different people want different things. People who don't want children feel that way because of their preferences and choices. And people who do want children are the same.

It's never been hard for me to understand that different people have different feelings.

I haven't seen those threads, my wondering is genuine.

I don't disagree, OP. Most people have children, I think, based on their emotions. The minute you apply any kind of practical or rational analysis, it becomes obvious that having children is too much of a risk. What surprises me is that so many people, presumably, don't apply practicalities and logic - therefore, the emotional response wins!

Well you have listed a number of negative points and yes they are true and for some that means not having children which is fine. I feel that I have gained a lot by having children, they have challenged me and changed me in positive ways. I've get huge amounts of joy from being a parent even though at times it might be harder than I thought. My life would be very different without them but I do not know if that life would be harder or easier as you do not know how you would find parenthood.

Yes, you’re missing all the good points. Any decision looks mad if you only list the drawbacks.

‘why would anyone go on holiday and leave themselves with less money, more stress, all that rushing to get up early and get to the airport, the risk of getting your house broken into? Am I missing something?’

Yeah, you get a holiday.

Because it brings real joy, fulfilment, and a sense of pride seeing one's own child develop and grow. Every stage of childhood has it's own quirks and the relationship between a parent and child goes through various dynamics, right through adulthood. For a parent that can be very satisfying in so many ways. The stressors that you talk about, while very real, tend to pale in comparison.

Okay. Very odd.

I don't like running. I understand that other people do like running.

I like cooking. I understrand that other people don't like cooking.

Wanting or not wanting children should be the same - some people do and some people don't. It's really not that complicated and I will never understand why either camp finds it so outrageous that the other camp sees things differently.

Desire isn’t logical, but it’s nonetheless real.

It’s like doing a job that is stressful, but that you’ve always wanted to do. My job is a vocation for me and it frequently drives me mad - today I felt bloody miserable because I have made a bad mistake in trying to support one of my direct reports. We’re never able to provide as much to patients as I would like to and that is a nonstop stress. I do far too many extra hours. But every day I have moments of hilarity and joy as well as patients get better and find the things I can give them useful.

If you do want children, it’s a fact of life. I wanted a child so badly that I was miserable when I thought I couldn’t try. My husband didn’t want children and he had all the logical arguments, but frankly they were meaningless. It would be like someone asking a traveller why they want to go to India, it’s so hot and lots of people get stomach upsets, what’s wrong with the Isle of Wight? Nothing is wrong with either of them but they are different places and it is legitimate to want to go to either.

it’s simply that different things bring different people happiness, it’s not rocket science. More sleep, more money and more free time would indeed make me happy, but not half as happy as my son makes me. The joy children can bring is not comparable to the things you have listed in my opinion. But it’s just that - my opinion. You don’t have to understand it.

You are correct op that being a mother is physically exhausting, mentally exhausting, financially exhausting, emotionally exhausting.

It leaves your body whacked, your bank account whacked and overtakes your brain and your calendar.

You are not wrong.

So why?

In a word, love.

No other love is like it.

But not everyone wants that at the expense of my first paragraph, and I think that's actually a really important question to be honest with ourselves about before we have them because it's .... (here I go again ....)

Most people say they don't regret it. But it's certainly wise to think and be honest.

You're coming across a bit rude to be honest, I dont know if you're meaning to. Just a bit snotty.

OP, please ask for this to be moved. MNers Without Children is not the topic to invite posts from parents talking about 'no other love like it' and so on - not blaming the parents for responding to you, but this really is not the right topic.

Also I didnt say I find it "so outrageous"...

This sums it up.
The active part of having children is about 20 years, which might seem like a long time when you are very young but it's a distant memory to me. Those negatives are true in some cases not in others and are trivial compared with the rewards.

I could divide my life into four parts.
Childhood up to age 18, not great.
The 20 adult years before children were fun, lots of travel and experiences but the novelty had worn off a bit.
The child rearing years when I was 38 to 58 were stand out the best years of my life (and I never wanted children). Admittedly there were a couple of tough baby years.

The older years with adult children have undoubtedly been enhanced by having those lovely young people in my life.

Yes, it isn't the right place for this thread op.

You ask a fair question, but it needs to be posted elsewhere.

I don’t have lots of money or support but I’ve chosen to have two children.

I feel the same as you but the other way around OP. I don’t know why anyone would choose (excepting infertility and health conditions) not to have children.

For me, even on the hard days, having children feels like Christmas Eve every day. Everything is magical to them, so it is to me too. Simple things become so special and the mundane is extraordinary. You can’t understand it unless you do have children.

Others with children may not feel the same as me but everyone’s experience is different.

I was not a parent until I was 30 and I’m glad I had those years of adult travel, lie ins, quiet mornings and all nighters with friends. I’ve done it and I don’t want it again. I’m so, so happy every day.

In our eyes it was the next natural step in life, like the next chapter. I didn’t feel I ‘needed’ a child to fulfill me but I now find being a parent very fulfilling. It just feels right. We’re a family and that’s priceless. My dad died a few years ago and eventually my mum will too, when family are gone it’s really lovely to make a family of your own, it really is a wonderful thing. Children bring so much joy to both of our families.

weve done a lot of travelling, bought a house and a dog, had lots of nice holidays and after a while it started to feel a bit boring and pointless and we started pointing out all the things a child would love. Then we knew we were ready.

yeah you lose some sleep but life happens while you’re awake. I wouldn’t miss out on having a child to be asleep.

The biological urge to reproduce isn't going anywhere - it's kind of how the human race has survived!

This was def me until I did have DC later in life, absolutely the best thing I have ever done and that list really means nothing after you hold your baby for the first time

Im glad it was the right thing for you. I dont think its just about being asleep, for me it seems relentlessly exhausting on your mind body and soul. The mental exhaustion of the constant worrying about them, having to put other people's needs above your own all the time. Having to run around after them and do everything for them. Constant cleaning, washing, tidying, sorting.

That's true but if the biological drive isn't touching someone there is no reason they NEED to have children. I'm pretty sure the human race isn't going anywhere any time soon - or if it is, it isn't because there aren't enough of us.

The world would be a much better place for a lot of people if people who weren't cut out for parenting didn't wade in with eyes half shut.

I would never encourage someone who didn't really want children to have them anyway. It's not a "try and see what you think" kind of situation.

This.

It’s something you can’t really explain and not everyone feels the same but the joy and love my children bring me is something nothing else can replicate, the sleepless nights and everything else is truly a small price to pay and one I’d pay 100 times over. Not everyone feels that way though and that’s totally fine, we are all different.

To be honest, thats probably because I find threads like this really annoying. It doesn't take a lot of imagination to see why, even if you dont want children, others do or vice versa. So i can only imagine that anyone who genuinely cant understand is being unnecessarily judgemental.

It smacks of smug, "ooh, having children is just awful and all those people who have had them are silly".

I feel equally annoyed when I see threads where the underlying messages seems to be "ooh, those child free people must be living boring/empty/joyless lives and they know nothing of love".

And its even more irritating on the child free board where many women may we have wanted children but it didnt happen for them.

I think this thread isnt for you then, Im not sure why you're spending time on it. Have a good day!