I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

One other thing I think can drive people is herd mentality.

We move through school with our peers, get our first bra around the same time, learn to drive, go to university or get a first job, graduation, travel, boyfriends, partners, weddings.

I think some people get pulled towards it unthinkingly simply because their peers start doing it. It's no longer which handbag but which pram, not which nightclub but which baby music club. People stop posting wedding pics online and instead it's baby photos.

I actually think that's quite an important thing to counter, which is why I'm not wholly opposed to the op's thread.

For a lot of people it's a very strong urge. There isn't a rational reason, except in the sense that the continuation of the human race is rational.

I always wanted to have children. The ability of my body to grow another human being inside it and to nourish it when the baby was born amazed me and I feel genuinely grateful that I experienced it. Not all of pregnancy was enjoyable and labour certainly wasn't, but being able to do it was a privilege. My husband thinks I'm mad when I say I'm glad I was a woman so that I could experience this. And I'm very aware when typing this that this board may not be the right place to express those feelings, as many people are not childfree by choice.

Not all of childrearing was enjoyable either, even with support and enough money, but beyond the love and fascination of watching these new people grow, my life has been enriched in all sorts of ways by having children. It would have been enriched in other ways if I hadn't, of course.

Hi all,
Just to say that we have moved this to Chat because it was originally posted on the Child-free board, where it didn't sit exactly comfortably. It does have the potential for an interesting conversation especially if everyone sticks to our long-standing aeons-old guidelines.

Of course they can.

I've seen threads on MN where even as women without children say why they didn't want any, or expressed how hard it was to give up the dream, smug women WITH children have constantly posted some version of, "I'm so sorry you'll never understand what being a parent is ... your life will be smaller for it but I'm sure you'll be okay."

This is just the opposite version. Cruel and judgemental of women who do have children. Where it might be thoughtlessnss vs real cruelty is the assumption that the MNers without Children board is mostly for women who CHOSE not to have children.

If you really want to know WHY people have children, ask that. And don't ask it on the childfree board. Ask it on the regular board and say, "I've never wanted kids, can you tell me what it is about having them, or what it was thatyou were seeking, that made you choose to have children? I'd love to know the specific reasons and if they were different for different people."

Your view of parenting is obviously very negative, but other people who are parents or want to be parents simply don’t view it in the same way.

Do you always struggle to realise that people like/want/enjoy different things? Surely you can’t have got to adulthood without realising this?

Something doesn't have to be universally enjoyable to be a good idea overall.

There are drawbacks to having children but there are benefits too. I have children but I can absolutely see that you can have a wonderful life without them.

It's really just up to the individual to make a judgement on whether they want to endure the inconveniences of having kids in order to have the joy that (for most people) bringing children also brings.

For me:

It was a strong, instinctive biological urge - to survive and to reproduce.

A wish for family life. I love being part of my family - it’s my absolute world. SO much fun, love, identity… Beats everything else hands down.

It is such a bond between you and your husband that you have created this whole new person who is half you and half him. He sees you with different eyes as you do him.

Love. I started loving my babies as soon as they were conceived.

I’m sixty-ish and whilst it’s not the reason I had children, the pleasure that I get from my lovely adult kids and their other halves is immense. And that’s before they have their own children.

Each to their own but my life is so full and rich in ways that I couldn’t possibly have imagined before I had my children.

Because not everyone feels as you do. HTH.

I think some people get pulled towards it unthinkingly simply because their peers start doing it. It's no longer which handbag but which pram, not which nightclub but which baby music club. People stop posting wedding pics online and instead it's baby photos.

I think that was a factor for me. All my friends were having babies and I felt I was being left behind in life. And when you have fertility issues it intensifies. It feels unfair.

Having children is a biological urge which drives continuation of the species.

It’s a strong enough urge that for most people it overcomes the negatives in your OP.

Of course in modern times we have a choice to have children or not and choosing not to have children, if you don’t want them, is good thing.

On the other side of course there are huge benefits, emotionally, socially and practically for having children, but for some people they won’t outweigh the benefits.

Happily these days, and in this country we can choose.

The right to choose is the important thing.

I can really imagine that being true.

All I can say is hard things are worth doing. I love my little tribe and the few years of no sleep in the context of hopefully an 80 year life were totally worth it.

Choosing to have kids is more of an emotion led than a rational, logical thing - I agree.

But equally, for me, all of those big emotional / gut feeling decisions in life have been the best ones I've made. Not everything needs to make sense.

Not just Christmas, but another thing I could never get the point of is a pet.

Take a dog for example. They smell awful and shed hairs that you have to clean up. They yap, omg the yapping! You have to take them out for walks in all weathers, curtailing your other plans. It becomes very difficult to go on holiday. They're also expensive. They never, their whole lives, learn to poo in the toilet.

Why do so many people have a dog?

As I say, it's silly to rationalise it. You can't rationalise this stuff.

I think your list is true but you have not listed any positives on it, just negatives.

I think I could probably talk myself out of almost anything if I just focused on that.

It's ok not to want children but it is kind of strange not to be able to imagine any benefits at all that others might feel.

Did you want people to agree with you on this thread or try to change your mind?

Well, being selfish and self-centered is what's on social media and what's generally fashionable these days. Having a kid really doesn't agree with this image. Sadly, both of 40+ childless women I know have had a breakdown at some point (fired from a job, relationship broke apart) and somehow they lost a will to live and cannot find anything worthy in their lives anymore (and cannot afford £££ holidays and stuff to keep themselves entertained). We had a chat with my sister about it recently. Somehow, children and rich family life have some kind of uplifting influence in our lives and I guess in the lives of many people. They bring a lot of love and happiness, the kind of love and happiness you are very unlikely to experience with anything else. Lots of new emotions and challenges but also fullfillment that comes along with this. It's difficult to explain.

Well yes, the points you have made are true. But the joy, meaning and happiness children bring outweighs all of that. For me at least.

Your list of negatives are true. But as others have said, they are a tiny fraction of what it is to be a parent.
I didn’t question whether I’d become a mother- it was part of me and I didn’t need to think too hard about it. I was fortunate that I conceived easily.
Im not even sure I feel joy on a day to day basis (may be the perimenopause) but I adore my children to my core. They are the reason for everything I do.
Most of my parenting life is boring and repetitive eg washing, shopping, cooking. But it’s all part of my purpose so I don’t question it too much. (I do moan from time to time but I wouldn’t change it for the world)
I think, as lots of others have said on this thread, people can be built differently. There’s absolutely no right and wrong.

@DryAndBalmy It is such a bond between you and your husband that you have created this whole new person who is half you and half him. He sees you with different eyes as you do him.

Judging from the many thousands on MN threads which are about men cheating on and abusing the women who have had their children, I think this might be an incredibly rose-tinted view you have here.

I wouldn't want anyone else's children, I don't think, but I absolutely love mine. They are late teens now, witty, lively, engaged with the world. They keep me on my toes, I learn things from them, I love seeing them succeed and go off to have adventures of their own (soon - Uni this week for both).

I had them relatively late - in my late 30s by which time I'd worked out that I didn't need people to look after me, and I was quite happy to look after other people.

Having said that, I have quite a few long term female friends who never had children and don't want them. They are my favorite women to hang out with.

I don't think it's black and white / cut and dry at all.

I was never interested in having children, DH came up with the idea…but in retrospect I actually think the idea may have come from his parents but heaven only knows why since they didn’t like children?!

I adore my kids and simply couldn’t imagine life without them. They didn’t wreck my body/ruin my sleep/turn me into a nervous wreck. I did all the usual - uni, travelling, gigs, holidays, career, had a ‘selfish 20s’. I was very happy doing all of that but I do think, for me, this is real fulfilment. There are hard parts of course (toilet training being my least favourite so far!!) but seeing the world through their eyes and watching them grow into their own people is so awesome. I still holiday, socialise, have a career, etc. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

Biology? I'm only a mammal.

We were just married, financially and romantically stable, both old enough, knew who were were and I had qualified in my job so could more easily move jobs so it seemed like an obvious next step. We had bought a three bed house which seemed empty. We always discussed having two children (from about the first date! - or certainly having one and see how that goes.)

My friend had a delightful baby which made me as broody as hell. All other life plans suddenly seemed a bit lightweight and insignificant as did any physical or financial consequences. I'd got to the stage when I'd done a bit of travelling and a lot of young free and single stuff and was ready for it.

I just also thought if we shouldn't be parents then who should?

Oh God. Another thread where the OP doesn't have the imagination/brains to realise that everyone is different and people like different things.

To add to this I never thought I would be as content as I am now. Not being able to have children doesn’t have to mean lifelong unhappiness.