I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

Totally logical, OP! I can't disagree. I'm just having much the same thought because some toddler sitting near me is playing Twinkle Twinkle Litte Star at high volume. GRRRR!

Luckily, some of us are in lurrrrve and also can't control our urges. 🤣 and so the human race continues.

So, I have never been slushy about kids, and am still not slushy about kids (looking at you, the little girl next door who "adorably" likes to distract my toddler whilst he eats dinner, and you, the kid at my son's drama class who monopolises the teacher with his ramblings).

But I always knew I'd be good at the practical care (grew up rural with livestock), good at being tired (chronic insomnia, and hardly noticed the difference with baby since I could sleep in the day), love a routine and a plan (so able to manage domestic routine happily enough, it's only laundry fgs), love being outside (so never grumble about going to the park for the millionth time).

At work, when my colleagues were annoying me, I'd think, "god, at least I'd love my kids even if I didn't like them".

And it's true. My son is fucking hilarious, beautiful, cute, and makes life much more fun.

Parenthood is also the BEST filter for getting rid of crap in your life. Your time is so compressed that you DEFINITELY don't have time to waste in BS things or people.

So I might spend less time doing stuff I love because I've replaced it with spending time with my lovely son, but I've also replaced "dumb stuff and annoying people" with hobby time and also time with my son.

So going back to your OP are you missing something....well yes you have only listed the tough bits. The less sleep aspect well that's depends on the child. Also the more stress bit again this depends. I find I'm less stressed as I now happily leave work where it belongs in the working environment. I no longer do crazy hours that I did pre-kids and yes I'm in the same job.

I'm probably in a small minority of I actually wasn't fussed if I had children but wasn't against it either. It was my DH who had a much stronger desire then me and I'll freely admit I was never really that maternal pre kids.

I do love being a mum, of course I don't love it every second of every day but nobody loves every second of every day about anything if they are being truly honest.

The bit which is the hardest to describe to people is seeing the joy and experiencing things even every day aspects through my children. To see the joy and happiness in something as simple as a butterfly or a cardboard box being the most epic thing to play with. It's amazing and makes me happy.

About half of my friends have children the other half don't. I never say to my friends without kids why don't you have them or didn't tou want kids etc as I find it rude and intrusive. They enjoy different aspects such as evenings out easily. I enjoy exploring in the mornings now when it's quieter as my children are up by 7.30am. Flip side we have explored multiple places with no crowds!

Parenting can be tough going and I knew that which is why I hesitated for so long but my husband wanted childen more than I didn't want them and I did reach a stage of life where it suddenly felt a bit empty.

Parenting was harder than I thought it would be and I am pretty crap at lots of the things that seem to be part and parcel of parenting. The thing I struggled with most is I could no longer just go with my own flow and that did effect my mental and physical health.

Bit children changed me in ways I couldn't imagine and my connection to them something I had never dared hope for. Watching them grow as human beings was both painful and joyful.

It also connected us to local community that I don't think we with have achieved otherwise and out of that have come so many special friendships

Parenting is not for everyone but, to my surprise, in the end it was for me.

Surely not, surely we're all weeping and wailing and breaking down over our sad child free lives 🙄

You don't have to have had kids to end up with a prolapse 🙄

Just picking up on one of your bullets, OP: am I the only person who gets great sleep with a baby??

I’m only 10 months in, so who knows what’s down the line, but as soon as I started bedsharing very early on, I’ve been getting a great night’s sleep every night. When baby wakes up, I just breastfeed her back to sleep - couldn’t be easier.

Anyway, having my DC has been brilliant so far!

'am I missing something?'

Only that, on balance, all of those negative things on your list far outweigh the wonderful, incredible and amazing!

Sick of these antinatalists idiots flocking on "MUMS"net. May be go and create your own net and post there.

Life isn’t about making things as easy as possible for yourself, and some rewards take hard work.

It is difficult to describe the rewards of parenting until you have experienced it however.

Life comes in chapters and the pregnancy / birth / little kids part of it is just a small part of a bigger picture. I think of my own relationship as an adult with my parents for example - most of my life they will know me as an adult.

I enjoy the degree of purpose, community, relationships etc it brings.

Do I miss total freedom to do what I want? Yes - but that will return.

I think you hear a disproportionate amount about people having a hard time through pregnancy or parenthood because really there not much of conversation to be had when everything's going well and nobody’s going to post online just to say their birth was easy and uneventful or that their baby is happy and sleeping through the night.

I personally don’t feel that I’m generally more stressed, anxious or tired after having kids. And I’ve not had to stop doing anything I enjoy either, except maybe temporarily while I’ve been pregnant.

In any case people enjoy different things and everybody enjoys different things and everybody has stuff where no matter how anyone could spin it to them it’s not going to appeal to them (For me it’s big weddings and resort holidays)

Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something

Yes you are missing the fact we are mammals and our whole point is to reproduce, it's hard wired into the majority of humans. If you haven't felt the need to procreate then it's a shame for you but I find it hard to believe you really don't understand why most people choose to have kids..

This thread was actually originally on the Mumsnetters Without Children forum until it was moved to Chat. Perhaps it would have been better left there.

You could be very disappointed. They could move to the other side of the world.

I got cancer and that support you imagine you'll get in return did not materialise. They made things worse for me not better.

You are completely ignoring hormones. The sole objective of pretty much every living organism is to reproduce. I felt the exact same as you until I hit 35 and then I suddenly wanted kids. Of course you are right and logically everything you say makes sense but unfortunately hormones are powerful illogical things.

DH and I had 20 years together before deciding to have DC. In that time we built up really good careers, paid off our mortgage, built up big investments and travelled the world.

There is virtually nowhere I haven’t been that I have a strong yearning to visit. We’ve been to over 100 countries and loved every minute of it.

When we hit 40 we decided to have a DC because we were ready for a new phase in life and could offer an amazing upbringing for a child. It is the best thing we’ve ever done.

I suppose in many ways we’ve been in both situations. We had 2 decades in the “definitely no children” camp and now we’re on the other side of the fence enjoying 2 decades of “kids are the best thing ever”.

Both periods of time felt absolutely right for us at the time even though they are polar opposites.

Systematic review here: A Systematic Review of Life Satisfaction Experiences Among Childfree Adults - Brittany Stahnke, Morgan E. Cooley, Amy Blackstone, 2023

All the inconveniences you list are so minor. Sleep deprivation and being poor happens to us all at some point. Washing, cooking, budgeting all needs to be done even if you don't have kids.

They're so much fun.

I'm early 30s and had mine young. It was lonely tbh because all my social group were doing the travelling/post grad/career stuff and are now those bods you see in trendy gear hanging around artisan markets with their dog, pensively dwelling on how much work kids might be.

I love that I don't have time for that shit. I'm raising 3 wonderful little people instead. We explore museums, galleries, open mics, circuses, foreign cities. You chat, you explore ideas, you grow together. They broaden your world.

Don't overthink it.

I had to laugh at this: "All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc". Most people have no problems, honestly. If they do they are soon remedied.

I get all the other things though I think the world is no worse than it ever was. There has not been a time in history without crisis, war and some hardship, I've lived through many of those.

If you don't want children nobody says you have to have them. Live your life however you choose and don't worry about the choices of others.

I absolutely love that I have children, they are grown now, and everything i did before having them pales into insignificance, and everything I do now they have left home is made richer by being their mum, and having had those experiences with them.
Sorry OP, but you are at the bottom of the mountain, looking up, wondering why everyone is making such an effort to climb, while they are up there with such a view that you just couldn't imagine it.
Giving birth and raising children, seeing them grow, sharing precious time together, being surrounded by sons, daughters, son and daughter in laws, having made a family, it is indescribable.
Of course there are some people who can't cope with parenthood, and maybe I am lucky to come from a decent family, but all my friends and family feel the same. It's life and it's wonderful.

I feel like life without kids would be really lonely

I don't know people have to be so defensive over their decisions.

I have two DS's and of course I love them and would leap in front of a flying bullet for them etc. But that's precisely why I regret having them. I don't want to love anyone so much that if anything happened to them, my life would be destroyed. And having more than one is even worse because you'd have to remain in the world, suffering.

Of course all your other reasons are valid, alongside climate change and the imminent collapse of the economy. I don't want my children to suffer and I have to face the fact that at some point they will, and I can't do anything to stop that.

In my case it was hormones and lack of foresight.

So many people answering won't yet have grown up children but are answering whether it's worth it or not. Lots of naivety. I had it once too......

@Careerchangeplease I completely agree with this point of view. Neither is right nor wrong. What matters is that it’s right for you!
As other posters have said you only listed the negatives - for me there are many positives and some of the “negatives” you have listed aren’t even negatives to me!
It is such an individual choice. I think the important bit is to not shame either side of the fence and let people live their lives the way it’s right for them and support that.

Life isn’t about making things as easy as possible for yourself

I've seen a couple of comments on this thread alluding to this sentiment.

I don't agree.

Life is mercilessly short with so many uncertainties and bad things.

Why add to that by not making life as easy as possible for yourself?