I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

On the money thing, which was one of your bullet points...

My (almost entirely absent) dad used to say that he'd spent more money on my sister across his lifetime (a small allowance, and only for 5y) than he'd ever spent on anyone else except himself.

I reported this to my mum and she laughed and said she'd spent far more money on us than she'd ever spent on herself, but for her, that was the whole point of earning it in the first place.

My dad is/was a total dickhead, but putting that fact aside, most parents don't see their kids as an "expense". They see money as a means to look after their kids, which is looking at money the other way around.

It's like some people eat to live, and some people live to eat.

For my mum, the whole point of earning the money in the first place was to house/clothe/feed us, but also private tuition, occasional holidays, anything she thought we'd benefit from. She wouldn't have bothered toiling away at overtimes and for salary raises without us. For my dad, money was for his comfort/wants and any money that we required just subtracted from that budget (hence why he stopped paying maintenance).

Don't get me wrong, if he'd never had kids, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that philosophy. Just a totally different outlook on the point of money

I do think it needs moving though OP. Have you asked?

This board will be visited by people who don't have the luxury of deliberating over should I/shouldn't I.

You are looking at it all wrong.

These disadvantages are what you accept in return for the advantages which you've not listed at all.

This past weekend we spent with my son, in his new house, decorating. Then we went out for a meal. We caught up on what he's up to and discussed a upcoming trip he has planned. He gave me a key and said to remember we were welcome anytime even if he wasn't around.

One of his best friends Mum's texted him while we were there for help with some computer question - he still gets on like a house on fire with her and her husband and I always chat to their son when I see him.out.

You gain a whole new world with each child. If the have partners, that expands again.

A lot are emotional, not material, and that's what's missing from the initial list from the OP

I wouldn’t have had my 4 if I had to juggle child care and working full time.
Children for me was an alternative to work but I couldn’t have juggled both.
Working wasn’t for me but children was, I had my first at 16 and my youngest at 42 and got my pension at 60.
In my opinion that’s how it should be.

I can be on any thread i like. I can express irritation if I want to. I can tell you that I find this thread slightly offensive, and even more so on this specific portion of the board.

You asked for opinions. My opinion is that its a ridiculous question in the first place.

Yow!😾

I wasn't a parent until late 30s. I did post grad study, travelled the world, had a high level fulfilling career and I am financially secure. I now have two amazing children and absolutely love being a mum. Those things you describe aren't much when weighed against the positives.

I'm so grateful that I got to be a mum and it really is the best thing I've ever done. I've been through a lot of your list and none of that mattered to me. It just isn't that important in the big scheme of things and just represents obstacles to overcome rather than avoid.

It's difficult to explain what the benefits are like because they need to be experienced to be believed. It's like describing what a certain food taste like to someone who has never tried it, you get the idea but not the experience.

Everyone needs to make their own choices in life. Some people want kids some don't. Both are valid choices.

People can make a list of why having children is better than not having them but to someone who really doesn't want children they won't feel that's the right path for them because it doesn't capture how they feel. Feelings are just as valid either way.

Your perspective of reducing the decision to a list works for both sides.

I actually don't think it's a choice for some - it's an innate desire which is really hard to put into words. And there is a real joy in raising children. A bit like when you put loads of work into a qualification or work project, that feeling of euphoria when you've achieved it - I'd liken it to that.

That's nice. My mother died from a long, painful terminal illness in her 40s but thank you for your helpful comment.

I agree whole heartedly, OP.

A life with children looks relentless, stressful, constraining and mostly really fucking boring.

I was struck by your preface though: I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

I don't agree with that at all to be honest. I don't understand why anyone would have children. But I especially don't understand why people with lots of time and money would ruin that by introducing children into the mix.

I agree OP. I said recently it's a good job I'm not next in line for the throne because if I was it would stop with me or be passed on to whoever else fell in line 🤣 never in a zillion years would I have had kids!

I never really wanted children. When I was younger I didn't have a logical reason I just had no real interest in being a parent at all. No biological urge. Now I am older I occasionally wonder what my life might have been like had I been a parent, but in a kind of detached way.
I do have nephews and nieces and I have to say I worry about their lives, how they may struggle despite all being well brought up intelligent, self motivated individuals. They have families who are financially comfortable behind them and lots of support. But............
I am aware that each generation thinks things are getting worse but at the moment with all the hate and polarisation in society, the race towards authoritarianism in so many countries and the huge, huge problems that global warming and the resultant population displacement will cause, I am glad I am not young. I am not surprised that many of them suffer from mental health issues. With a following wind I will have a few years yet but you will be seeing no wish for immortality from me.

I think the fact that she posted here and is only replying to someone cynical about her motives suggests that it was only ever meant to be goady.

Pp mentioned Christmas... it's a good analogy.

I have always hated Christmas. Literally what is the point, everyone spending lots of money on gifts no one wants. You spend ages putting up decorations then take them down again, including a decaying tree. Plastic tat abounds. Loud tinny music in the shops. Having to spend time with extended family or in laws en masse for long periods. Food I dislike (mince pies, yuck). Then a weird myth about a creepy man who sneaks into kids' bedrooms, double yuck.

Then I had kids, and wow...the wonderment on their faces when they see that bloody Elf in a different place each morning.

You can't rationalise it. Rationally, Christmas is unmitigated shit. But most people love it

Yes that was an ott comment op. Ignore.

Your question is a reasonable one for all people to consider before having children. And for some people it just ISN'T right. There's nothing wrong with thinking I think I'd rather not have the responsibility, the stress etc. And there IS stress and costs of all sorts.

For many of us it's worth it, but that doesn't make us better people; it just makes us different people.

Could be because people don’t have kids for the lolz. It’s a profound experience.

No-one would be that cruel.

ETA I think she just hasn't thought it through.

I didn’t have DC till I was 40, but had always wanted them. There was a long period of infertility and absolute heartbreak at the thought it might not happen for me.

Even then though, I could recognise it was very much a heart (and a combination of social and biological drivers) over head. People talk about women being ‘sold a dream’ about motherhood and nobody talking about the reality - that’s probably true and maybe a lot of people are wanting to become parents based on how they imagine it will be. But I think I always had a relatively firm grip on the downsides, I definitely saw loads of people talking about them, and also both working with young children and having a huge family meant I saw a fair bit of the less than rosy side. I knew it was perfectly possible - maybe even more likely - that women could live a happy, fulfilled and rewarding existence without kids. I just also knew it wouldn’t be possible for me really, and that the very deep wanting was beyond reason really.

All the stuff you list as negatives - absolutely true. And it’s harder in many ways than I could have expected even though I didn’t exactly have rose tinted spectacles.

For me, it’s 100% worth it and I’ve never regretted it for a second even when I’ve also been struggling with lack of sleep or the increased stress or the constant noise or the lack of freedom. The main reason being yes - the love and the joy it has brought even if that’s quite often momentary whilst the drudgery can feel pretty constant.

I have one, healthy, child, a supportive husband, a really flexible career and enough money. It’s still bloody hard but it’s a lot easier for me than it is for many other mums. And therefore it’s easier to feel like the positive, on the whole, outweighs the negative. But every woman/ mother would have their own view on that and whether it’s been the right decision for them.

I can absolutely understand why some people are clear they don’t want children. I definitely don’t understand why some people struggle to accept it or feel like they have to persuade people who know their own minds otherwise.

There really isn’t anything exactly like being a parent - for better or worse - but that’s not to say it’s better or more valid than other choices or relationships. I know how irritating the talk of ‘no other love like it’ etc must be - but I think that is probably the reason for a lot of people and there’s not really another answer to give, because there aren’t really many (if any) logical or non-emotional reasons.

As others have said, just because the benefits aren’t measurable doesn’t mean they aren’t real.

i never wanted kids but DW made it clear she did and she would find someone else if I wasn’t up for it. I always say that it’s the best thing I ever did. While it is true they are frustrating and expensive, they have also brought me more joy than I have ever experienced before. As others have said, there j no love like it. I would kill for them and die for them without thinking or hesitation

but I think that is probably the reason for a lot of people and there’s not really another answer to give, because there aren’t really many (if any) logical or non-emotional reasons.

Exactly. Though I think a slim (and misguided) handful think about being looked after in their old age. But not many.

I could tell you why I did and what I have got out of it, but as a parent, I try to avoid posting in this section.

• because it's a biological urge
• because they want mini me's
• they don't see past the cute baby phase
• they copy what others around them do
• to carry on the bloodline / heir
• they didnt realise they had a choice
• they didn't actually have a choice due to abusive circumstances
• it's a life milestone

Have heard or observed all of these from parents. Not all at the same time obviously.

You're coming at this from the point of view that you don’t like children and children are a chore. For those of us who do like children it doesn’t matter that we have less relaxation time or time to ourselves as we like doing things with our children. The positives for me are:
I love spending time with my little family with 2 DCs
watching them grow and develop is amazing and so fulfilling, more fulfilling then anything else in my life.
The love I have for them is completely different and so much deeper than anything else, even my DH, there really is nothing else like it.
To have that unconditional love coming back from them too is also amazing, I can’t describe it.
Always somewhere there to talk to and do things with
Love family holidays and having fun with them.
Cuddles with the whole family in front of a film.

I wanted children, but couldn’t have them due to fertility issues. This was ver6 painful to begin with, but I’ve made my peace with it and learned to embrace childfree life and make the most of the opportunities it has given me. I’m now content and in many ways relieved not to have them.

It’s not always as black and white as want/don’t want children.