I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

Bit of an overreaction. Poster is entitled to her opinion. You need to develop a thicker skin.

Your negatives are a piss in an ocean of positives!

Single women without children are regularly shown to be the happiest demographic in society.

Children also bring a deep joy. You see the world through their eyes and it becomes a place of wonder again. It brings families together. It rejuvenates everyone around the baby. Babies are, quite literally, life itself. You feel connected across generations.

It’s bloody hard work, yes. Not as in complex but as in relentless. Add in disability and it is tougher still.

I’m still glad I had DC. I hope my DC want children although it is their choice, of course.

There is nothing, in my experience, that compares to the love you have for your child. Primal, all-encompassing, life-affirming. I would give my own life to save DH but I would murder for my DC.

Oh god another thread where replies are given by bored folk who just want to have an argument.

In an anonymous forum, I’ll say this, I have 5 kids and i don’t bloody understand why I would. Stupidity and short sightedness.
Obviously I don’t say that…

And ... more love

Instinct.
We are animals like every other species and are, at a biological level, driven to reproduce.

The fact not everyone wants them is nature's population control.

I always wanted children for absolutely no logical reason. Desperately longing to be a mum despite, objectively, it being a bloody bad idea based on my circumstances at the time.

I think when you strip every logical answer back, you find the animal instinct to reproduce underneath

I think you are looking at this in a very black/white viewpoint. Yes the material things in life take a hit. But a lot of people long to be a parent and feel that is part of being an adult. For those that don’t great, have a lovely life doing holidays etc. But children are only children for such a short time and personally I feel they bring so much joy. Each to your own etc. Having met older individuals without children who have lost a partner those older years can be lonely so I think there is something in being part of a family/belonging for some.

I thought of old me. You sacrifice a lot now but you get out what you put in. My mum put a lot into us kids when we were young, but we gave a lot back in her later life. Not because we had to but because we loved her. She would have been very lonely without us.

I was thinking about this the other day. For me it was the natural next step. Get married, have kids. It was just what I assumed would happen. When it didn’t, that made the desire stronger. IVF and 2 children later, I can say I’m glad to have had them. Of course there are hard parts and yes, your life is very different. But to me, I would rather have them than not.

Oh yes, everyone who doesn’t have kids will be lonely in their later years……

I can see how having children that depend on you is a reason to keep on going. However, there's plenty of people with children who have mental breakdowns and die by suicide so it's a bit of a moot point. By using your example their children and family didn't fulfil them enough to stay alive?

Or is it that people of any walk of life can have breakdowns for all sorts of reasons.

You only have to read mumsnet on any random day to see that not everyone has the luxury of a stable blood family life. Parents can fail you, children can fail you. A support network must be nurtured regardless of how closely related you are by DNA.

As Dawkins might say, the selfish gene has ensured that enough people feel strong enough urges to take it on.

Genes have a number of tricks up their sleeves, perhaps the most obvious being hormonally fuelled sexual urges which ensure a lot of reproductive units get together.

Unlike other animals, humans are aware that this trick can lead to reproduction, so there are other chemically regulated urges that make enough people think parenthood is a desirable fate.

Humans, subjectively, experience these influences as feelings, emotions, rationalisations etc, but underneath it's really reproductive chemistry directing human cognition in ways that ensure this chemistry itself is passed on.

I remember going to see a holistic doctor when trying to get pregnant and the he said to me, I will try and help you but I also want you to know that the majority of my other patients come to see me because of stress as a result of being parents.

I did go on to have dc but it his opinion was one that no one else was expressing to me at the time and I actually think that is a shame.

Being a parent can be tough and the idea that we should just get married and produce kids because that is what society expects still has too much prevalence.

I don’t really disagree with you. You have made a number of brilliant points. It is only in the last century where women have really had the freedom to decide not to get married and have children. Before then it was the only way to guarantee financial security. This is why women are more commonly choosing to be childfree.

But an important factor that you haven’t really taken account of is that humans are animals that are biologically hardwired to reproduce. Now the choice is on the table for women around much of the world not to have children and that is largely a good thing.

But this is the explanation for why lots of women with the option will still want to have children.

This thread feels like you want to feel more secure about something so I genuinely hope you either start to feel more comfortable about your decision not to have children or more at peace with not being able to - whichever it is. I know that could sound snide but I really mean it warmly - it's hard when something niggles away at your mind like this.

In case it's the latter, I feel a little anxious about sharing my own feelings so all I'll say is that I wanted children my whole life. I felt maternal even when I was a child! And having babies, then toddlers and now children has been a hugely joyful and fulfilling experience for me. Yes it's hard in many of the ways you describe but it's the most incredible, joy-filled thing I've ever done (by miles) and the love I experience for my children is beyond anything I could have imagined. I feel so incredibly lucky.

Biological instinct. The need to make sure our DNA continues. Same as why animals procreate, even though it nearly kills them....

I don’t know why “people” choose to do things, but in my experience:

It’s the best job I’ve ever had and turns out I’m way better at it than I thought I’d be. Largely it is so much fun.

If you’d asked me this 13 years ago in the middle of the hell that is 2/3 I’d have had an entirely different answer.

Life isn’t about only doing the stuff that has no drawbacks, it’s about looking at a much bigger picture. You could ask why does anyone do anything. There’s always a con list for anything.

I had one child in my 40’s, she hasn’t brought anything negative to my life at all.

• less sleep and rest - no change after the baby years
• more work - nope
• more stress - nope
• less money - nope, she doesn’t cost much at all now out of childcare. Nursery was expensive though.
• more worry/anxiety - nope. I worry about different things but no more or less than before
• less free time - nope, she just tags along
• less relaxation/leisure time - nope, same as above

Body didn’t suffer any damage either, so all in all it’s great. And I was firmly in the “no kids” camp before I had her.

Not to sound like Jerry Maguire but my family completes me, thats DH, our kids and our little dog.

I do, at times, worry about what kind of future they will have but no more than any other parent would have back in the day.

I appreciate its not for everyone but its a love like no other and I am grateful for my tribe

People decide to have children because it’s very difficult to know how hard it will be until happens to you.

I had 1 DC, which was very difficult. Then once things got better, decided to have another because we thought now we know what we are doing, we could handle it. How wrong we were. Any amount of different stuff can come your way with kids and it blindsides you.

We love our kids but absolutely nothing on this earth is worth how we have been affected by such a long period of fuck all sleep, and we both advise childfree couples against having kids. Especially if they don’t have a good amount of money or little support around.

I’d love to see how that is broken down across age and stage.

I think the human race is amazing and wonderful and there is a higher purpose we do not know about yet, there is so much more to discover and do, and I want my bloodline to be a part in shaping the future of it. Despite the horrors in the world today, I think good and light will trump evil and darkness. And there is so much beauty in this world and intelligence and conciousness is a precious thing that needs to be preseved. I am not religious but believe in a higher and collective conciousness that we are yet to uncover. I am willing to sacrifice my own needs to bring good people into this world, raise them with kindness and love and strength.

Yes. A pp said very few regret it. But tbh i have had a few friends say they regret it. A big reason is because they have to work and don’t get enough contribution from husbands. And one of these friends had ivf for both kids.