Do you judge people who have never left their home towns?

[Waferbiscuit]

Genuinely curious to ask if you judge people who have never left their home towns?

I grew up in a family of diplomats who had lived around the world. We were really encouraged to move away and experience life in other cities and countries. I appreciate that is a privileged mindset and an experience that is not available to all. But I think my parents really felt that staying in your hometown your whole life with a friend group/social milieu you made in primary school limited or 'fixed you' in that time and didn't give you opportunity to grow.

I get what they mean but I'm also aware that in the past humans basically stayed within their communities and, unless they were part of nomadic tribes, didn't really aim to move away. At the same time I've lived in places in the UK (towns in Scotland, the midlands) where people not only stayed put but wanted to live across the street from their mom and down the road from their aunties - which I find a bit too tribal!

I read a book called David Goodhart called The Road to Somewhere in which he sort of divides the UK population into 'Somewheres' and 'Anywheres.' Somewheres are very rooted in their community, place matters and they see the world through that community. Whereas Anywheres are more modern, educated internationalist types who basically aren't grounded in their community and will happily move about for the right jobs. Somewheres tended to vote for Brexit, Anywheres against Brexit. This is a simplistic summary of his book but I thought it was interesting.

Anyway, is the view that it's good to move away unusual or normal and do you judge people who never move away?

I don't judge people adversely. If anything, I applaud old school friends who managed to buy houses in the Dublin area and bring up families there. There's nothing wrong with having roots in a specific place and extended family within at least easy driving distance - 'it takes a village' both for early childhood and also when grandparents age. Family ties are important for many people.

Also, not everyone who leaves a home town does so with a spirit of adventure either. Some are forced to leave by economic circumstances and would love to be able to return.

Do you mean literally never left home?
I don’t really know what you mean TBH

I live a rural stones throw from
where I grew up and my kids are now attending the same secondary school I did!

But like, I travel when I can, went away for uni and a gap yah when I graduated. I read and am well informed and have friends from all over.

I suspect anyone ‘judging’ a ‘somewhere’ is considerably more narrow minded than they’d like to admit. As if there’s only one way to be a person who still lives where they grew up.

No, many people move away and then go back and it makes sense for people to be near family especially if they have children .

No I don't, but I think I relate more to "anywheres" because I am one. I don't think there's anything wrong with people being "somewheres", I can imagine the world would be quite chaotic if everyone were "anywheres" with all that moving around. Also I think it's nice that "somewheres" have their family and friends close.

I definitely relate to this. I agree with what you’re saying, but as an Anywhere type of person, for me at least, contentment has a limited lifespan.

I can be quite content in a location/job/home for 2-5 years, then I’m bored and itching for the next thing again.

I do have ADHD, so I don’t know if that contributes, it probably does. But once I feel I’ve got everything I needed from an experience I’m looking for the next.

I’ve been in what I always called my dream city for the past several years but I’m now looking at two different ones, a thousand miles away in a completely different climate, because I’ve had enough of it.

It’s hard to answer, OP.

I grew up a Third Culture Kid but I have not replicated that for my DC at all. As you say, I could go anywhere and live happily enough but it is rather rootless. My DC have only known one house and one primary school. They have friendships longer than a decade already! We haven’t travelled abroad due to a variety of factors - autism, COVID, avoiding air travel for climate change reasons. They are well travelled in Scotland and have seen a wee bit of England.

Equally, I do hold a certain fascinated horror to meet people who have never left their local area. My SIL emigrated from Ayrshire to Australia and I recall DH meeting an acquaintance from school and letting him know she had emigrated. The acquaintance replied he had moved too! It was the next bloody village along the road.

In Scotland, I would say it is a contributory factor in sectarian violence. The village where DH is from needs mounted police at the JUNIOR football games between villages due to the drunken behaviour of parents tanked up on Buckie! It’s a universe away from my upbringing in Canada, Singapore, Malta and Hong Kong…

I live about 40 mins from where I grew up, I have one blood relative who I see from time to time but we are not close. I’m an only child so no siblings. I’ve friends who have stayed in or near their home town like me, some who have moved but are still in the uk and a couple who work and live abroad. I can’t say I really notice any difference between them in terms of the conversation and the fun nights out we have. It’s more about frame of mind and curiosity, I’m sure you can live abroad and just stick with the same people and do the same things you did in your home town. The braying ex pats we witnessed in Singapore demonstrated that to me.

so I’m one of those disappointing people ops parents derided I suppose. But I do have a decent job paying not much less than 100k, I live in one of the safest areas of the uk and I’ve been on some fab holidays; trekked in Nepal, climbed Mount Kilimanjaro/kinabalu holidayed many times in south east Asia . So I’m kind of ok with that.

do I wish I’d moved away well not now as I have a husband and child but yes when I was younger I wish I had but it just didn’t feel like an option , I was made responsible for keeping my warring parents together and my mum was quite clear she’d kill he rself if it wasn’t for me. Which rather limited my movements. So op it’s not always some kind of lack of drive that stops us moving away.

Depends on the home town! I’ve lived on 4 continents and loved the experience, but all the traveling made me realize my home town was best (for me) by far. DH and I settled back here and are raining our DC, I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.

Wanderlust is heritable. Human evolution needs both people who know where the water is and people who look for new water.

Judging either is failing to understand that variation in humans is important.

Naw I don't judge but bit jealous as they obviously got the work and opportunities close by. All our family had to move all over the place for work and it seems to have continued for several generations, including recent ones.

Everyone is different. I would hope I wouldn't judge but I sometimes can't help feel that people that never leave their home community and show no interest in exploring what else they might enjoy a bit ... lacking in curiosity and spark.

It's different to people who explore to some extent and conclude their original home environment suits them best especially when they want to start their own family. My sister and I never went back to our home town after uni. Jobs prospects there were poor but the main issue was that our parents were a bit judgy and domineering. My mum expected us both to return and was openly disappointed/disapproving that we didn't. I actually still live in my uni town though I commute to London and had a short spell living/working in the US. So I'm not particularly curious or sparky myself as I'm not massively keen on a lot of change but happy that I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone enough to try other things and find what suits best.

Out of my three cousins (one family) the eldest two went away to uni. One then lived abroad for a couple of years. The youngest went to a local uni. However they all live back in their home town again and have raised their own children there and have an extended family network. But they had a much closer relationship with their parents. I think that is a major motivator for a lot of people - a positive "village" to raise your own family.

Then there's the other extreme. People who can't sit still and are constantly moving on as they get bored and restless before they put down roots. That seems dissatisfied rather than curious.

My goodness @SeaAndStars that was a beautiful post

No. I left home at 17 to go to university and have lived in several different places since then. I now live just outside a town that's demographically very similar to the one I left behind, and have friends who have never moved away. I envy them their sense of plantedness and wonder if my own life would have been any less rich if I'd gone back to work, settle down and have my own children in the town where I grew up.

I judge people who look down on others who live differently than they do. It reeks of narrow-minded snobbishness.

Best post on this thread. Your mum sounds wonderful, @SeaAndStars, and so do you.

I live in the same village I grew up in, in fact we walk past my childhood house on the way to my kids school.

part of me likes it, part of me panics I haven’t done enough and now I’m trapped here.

Agree with this.

Your arguement is too simplistic, OP.

Yes, there is a certain small minded mentality of some people who live in small towns and never leave them and a have a distrust of people different to themselves. And yes, these people probably voted for Brexit.

But they are a distinct group of people to people who never left their hometown.

People who never left their hometown can still be highly educated and travel a lot and have worldly experiences, but also appreciate the sense of community of living in their hometown.

I went to uni in my nearest city so lived at home for a lot of my studies, but with terms in London and Germany. This kept my student debt down. I lived in a neighbouring town for a while but moved back to hometown when I started having kids, around 15 years ago.

It’s great being so close to family, friends and long term acquaintances. Sense of community and familiarity is worth a lot to me. Husband and I are both highly educated and travel a lot.

By contrast a friend of mine moved to London straight from school, racked up huge student debt, failed her degree, and is still in London trying to make it as a tv presenter. She is in her mid 40s now and doesn’t own a home, living in flat shares with 20somethings, no steady income, and her mum and dad have to pay her rent.

But in her view she has “made it” because she is living and working in London and she very much looks down on people from our northern town who have “never moved away”.

She is desperately lonely in London but can’t see how that is at odds with how disparaging she is of people who stay in their communities. Big city life can be very transitory and she struggles everytime friends move on, but as long as her parents keep paying her rent, she’ll never leave.

So it’s a lot more nuanced than in your original post, OP.

Particularly now with the internet and working from home etc. Educated people no longer have to live and work in large cosmopolitan cities. My nearest big city is about 50minutes away by train, 1 hour by car, but plenty of people now work from home or commute daily.

I’m a ‘Somewhere’ according to this. I don’t live in my hometown, but very close to it, and very close to where both of my parents grew up (as well as several previous generations on my Dad’s side). I lived in London for three years while I was a student and while I enjoyed the experience, I looked forward to moving back to the county I grew up in.

I voted ‘Remain’ so I don’t fit David Goodhart’s theory. I really love visiting other places, both in the UK and abroad, but not for more than a couple of weeks at a time, and I always enjoy coming home after a trip.

I’m sure others think me unsophisticated, old-fashioned or lacking in ambition but I don’t mind. I just really like where I live and haven’t yet seen anywhere I would rather spend my life.

I wouldn't say that I actively judge either group of people and whilst I did move away from my home town I'm hardly a globe-trotting career person.

That said I can't help but notice that of all my friends none of them are people that have never left their hometowns so I guess I must find people like myself more relatable.

@Pixiedust49 , @Tupperwarefan and @Echobowels . Thank you so much for your kindness. You've made my day.

I don’t judge but I struggle to maintain friendships as often it’s just tough to have conversations. I once returned to my home town after a gap year in Australia went to the pub and it was like a time warp. People hadn’t done anything, same job, same pub, nothing new except who was shagging who.

I think some of them felt I was a snob for just wanting to travel. The idea that you’re up your own arse because you want something different.

Depends where you live I guess. Some places are great, have good lifestyle options and employment opportunities so why bother leaving, other than maybe for university and holidays?

If you live in a little village and can't get a job, you will have to move. Or even if you live in a big town if employment prospects are poor.

I lived in several places (including different countries). But I've lived in my current house for more than 20 years.

Another factor might be friendships. If you have loads of friends from school you may be happy to stay in your home town. If you disliked school and the people, you might be only too happy to move away!

So many reasons why people stay or go or come back later in life.

Wise post @MrsTerryPratchett

I wouldn’t say I judge someone for staying in their home town.
I do think it’s quite sad though. The world is too big a place to just stay in one tiny part of it your whole life.
I know someone who still lives on the same street they grew up on. Both her and her sister bought houses within doors of each other and their parents. I find that totally bizarre!

I’ve told both of my kids we’ll be moving as soon as they’re done with college/uni. They’re welcome to come with us, or they can go and do their own thing.

We’ve lived here for fifteen years and my feet are getting itchy! Our plan was always to stay where we are now until they finish their studies. Youngest is in yr11 and has plans to join the RAF in 3 years. Oldest is starting uni so timing wise, we should be done and dusted and ready to move on.

I don’t have an emotional attachment to any of our houses. Moved a lot as a child, moved out at 20 and have had 4 houses with now husband. I ready for the next and it won’t be anywhere near where we are currently!

Since seeing this thread I've had that Noël Coward song on the brain; "Why Do The Wrong People Travel, And The Right People Stay Back Home?"😁