Brother took over DC's room and won't leave!

[Rineee]

My brother moved out of his flat (he'd been there for 6 years) into a shared house, where he had his own room. However, there were problems with the room, the bathroom wasn’t working etc. and he didn’t want to stay another month. I suspect he couldn’t afford it. He's terrible with money!

He doesn’t get along with my sister, so staying at my mum’s wasn’t suitable. I offered for him to stay with me, and he said it would only be for a week. I gave him DC's room while she sleeps with me.
It’s now been almost two months, and he’s only viewed one property. He has also reduced his working hours to part-time (I don’t know why) and seems quite comfortable with this new lifestyle. He hasn’t contributed a single penny not even bought a loaf of bread or made any gesture whatsoever. On top of that, last week, he told me he was skint and asked me to lend him money for fuel and again yesterday.

My property is up for sale, I was hoping it'd sell before I'd have to speak with him. I was to say I've accepted an offer, please find somewhere else by X date but it doesn't seem like it'll sell anytime soon.

My DC will be going back to school next month, and she really needs her room back. I’m not sure how to bring up the subject with him. I’m a newly single mum, going through a divorce, and paying for everything on my own, it’s already hard enough without taking on the responsibility of another adult. Even though he’s out all day and only comes back late at night, so he isn't in the way as such, but he still needs to leave!

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

Good, he needs to start behaving like a responsible adult not a teenager

Stay strong. Op. It’s your house and your DD and you have been more than kind to him.

Well done, stay strong

Another stay strong OP from me! I think there could well be a few tantrums coming, but stay firm and get your house back! It is time for your db to start respecting you - it could be a good wake up call for him as well that he needs to get a FT job and take responsibility for himself.

I was thinking this too!

Well done op for prioritising your child 💪 keep us updated.

Did you give him a date to leave by? I think the posters saying he has until school starts are being overly generous. He gets paid next week, That is the perfect time to move. If he’s struggling for a deposit he can always sell his car.

Be prepared to change the locks.

You can usually find videos of how to do this on YouTube OP and buy the things you need from B&Q.

My cousin finally gave him an ultimatum and he slowly, grudgingly started looking for somewhere to rent. (Bearing in mind he had received a sizeable inheritance payout a few years previously and ought to have been able to afford a deposit on a house!) Anyway, he did eventually move out and he then went completely incommunicado for a long time. My cousin was deeply hurt and angry, particularly after receiving bailiff letters to her address about debts he'd racked up.

Fast forward a couple of years, he's just married a devout Christian ten years his junior. They hadn't been living together because of her religion - he'd been living in a room in her gran's house (Don't know if he was paying her any rent 😏. He has form for sponging off the elderly. Before my cousin took him on, he had also lived rent free for a number of years with his stepdad's elderly, infirm parents.)

So you can imagine our surprise when his few remaining family members, myself included, received a wedding invitation out of the blue. Several of us attended, partly out of curiosity, partly to support my cousin (his sister) as she wouldn't have known anyone else there. He pretty much avoided us all during the reception. We had to introduce ourselves to his bride. No mention of his sister and brother-in-law in his speech, nor of those no longer with us (his mum and our shared grandparents); in fact no acknowledgement that he has any sort of family or background whatsoever. Meanwhile the bride's relatives who came to speak to us were full of his praises. It was like hearing about a stranger. Very surreal. Can't imagine he's been honest with his wife about his past and all his debts. Perhaps I'm wrong and he's turned over a new leaf. Let's hope so for her sake! My cousin is well shot of him, anyway, thank god.

It's great news that you've broached it with him. Hopefully you feel a bit better already after taking that first step. Hold your nerve and soon these few weeks will just be a bad memory xx

Seriously comments like this when someone is asking for support is just nasty! The daughters most likely had a great time at grans and daring a bed with her mum over the summer. Honestly there are children who face real hardship in life this child isn’t one of them

Did you give him a date? If not, do. I bet that he’ll either ignore your message and just carry on as he is, with you wringing your hands in the background but saying nothing, or make up endless excuses about why no accommodation is suitable.

I said give him until Friday 10am but if he makes no effort to engage, I’d wait till he went out, pack up his stuff, send it over to your mum’s in a taxi tomorrow and not let him back in your house.

this isn’t limited to women, men do this too so frequently. ‘Such a nice guy’ spending all day Saturday helping neighbour Bob move a piano, rewarded by beers and a bbq of course, - whilst their wives are at home solo with the kids and the chores.

Time to bag his shit up and clear the room. Pass his stuff out to him and tell him go hom to his mother.

Not nasty at all.

The poor child has had her father up and leave, giving the clear message that she isn't worth sticking around for. But at least she has her own little safe space - her room. And, presumably, when they are both at home, her mum's attention.

Then her uncle turns up and takes her safe space. And takes up some of Mum's headspace. She may love being with grandma and sharing a bed with Mum, but she has nowhere that is just hers. Message again - she's not worthy of a space to herself at a hard time in her life.

The uncle who moves in doesn't seem to contribute anything to the household, no money, no effort, no fun socialising. Message: DD (and Mum) not worth putting any effort in for.

Mum sees this but is more concerned with her brother thinking her rude than her daughter's needs. Message: DD not worthy to have Mum speaking up for.

Is grandmother fighting DD's corner? Did she try really hard to persuade Mum not to take uncle? Is she making every effort to help Mum evict brother, whether or not this involves taking him in herself?

So, who, exactly, is on DD's side? Who is fighting her corner? Who thinks many of her needs should come first? Some randoms on the internet, yes. But who in her real life?

Honestly, won't someone think of the child(ren)?

No, he hasn’t responded to my message yet. He also didn’t sleep at home. I called him a couple of times this morning, but he didn’t pick up.

@femfemlicious I don’t receive Universal Credit, and the council tax is still in both mine and my ex’s names.

I think you should start packing his stuff if he doesn't answer or come back tonight. He sounds like an awful person.

I'm thinking of my daughter hence I'm speaking up. I made a mistake, but I’m rectifying it quickly. As I mentioned, she has spent most of the summer with my mum and sister. Her dad leaving has nothing to do with me, so I won’t take responsibility for his actions.

He’s taking advantage of your kindness because you’ve allowed him to. No war round it but to sit him down and tell him he needs to find somewhere else. You’ve been more than kind, he’s not contributed or even offered…he’s using you and taking the piss and by not pointing it out or putting a stop to it, you’re enabling him. Put your child first and get the room back…and no, the sofa is not his bed if he suggests it!

It's here:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5221964-i-cant-cope-with-depressed-brother-being-so-reliant-on-me-feel-like-a-bitch-for-saying-that

Send him a follow up message - “just to be clear, I expect you to have moved out by 1st September.”

Oh please, what a lot of rubbish and a awful think to say about parents separating, it is not a clear message to the child that she’s not worth sticking around for, I’m sure the parents have dealt with that the best they can and made her feel as loved as possible

Thanks @inigomontoyahwillcox I'm the Op will find it helpful