Brother took over DC's room and won't leave!

[Rineee]

My brother moved out of his flat (he'd been there for 6 years) into a shared house, where he had his own room. However, there were problems with the room, the bathroom wasn’t working etc. and he didn’t want to stay another month. I suspect he couldn’t afford it. He's terrible with money!

He doesn’t get along with my sister, so staying at my mum’s wasn’t suitable. I offered for him to stay with me, and he said it would only be for a week. I gave him DC's room while she sleeps with me.
It’s now been almost two months, and he’s only viewed one property. He has also reduced his working hours to part-time (I don’t know why) and seems quite comfortable with this new lifestyle. He hasn’t contributed a single penny not even bought a loaf of bread or made any gesture whatsoever. On top of that, last week, he told me he was skint and asked me to lend him money for fuel and again yesterday.

My property is up for sale, I was hoping it'd sell before I'd have to speak with him. I was to say I've accepted an offer, please find somewhere else by X date but it doesn't seem like it'll sell anytime soon.

My DC will be going back to school next month, and she really needs her room back. I’m not sure how to bring up the subject with him. I’m a newly single mum, going through a divorce, and paying for everything on my own, it’s already hard enough without taking on the responsibility of another adult. Even though he’s out all day and only comes back late at night, so he isn't in the way as such, but he still needs to leave!

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

He can think about presenting himself to the local authority as homeless if both you and your mum kick him out. Give him something in writing to show them. They will probably just find him a private landlord somewhere and tell him about UC but at least he will be out of your hair. Sorry to say this but he sounds like a dreadful piece of work.

Your daughter needs to see you standing up for her. Good luck.

HE is being rude.

Staying longer than originally agreed might've been OK if he's been staying in a spare room no one was using, but even then a basic level of civility would have had him (1) acknowledge the overstay and ask to stay longer if needed, keeping you actively in the loop on HOW long and (2) paying for his own food, etc. or if he absolutely couldn't afford that then at least thanking you profusely for spotting him and offering to do what he could around the house to compensate.

Psychologically, the fact that you didn't confront him earlier makes it seem more difficult to do so now, but push through that - the length of time he has stayed and the fact that you've been lenient for a long time makes HIS behaviour in overstaying and not contributing (not yours in allowing and not confronting) increasingly bad, and now it's reaching a crisis point. You've been accommodating enough. If he reacts negatively when told (as he MUST already know) that this has to end now then HE is being unreasonable, not you.

It sounds as though your sister has his measure if he can't live with his mother because they don't get along!

HRTFT I’m hoping that the replies are helping you to see that being thought rude in this scenario is the least of your worries! Your brother isn’t worrying, is he, he’s not angsting that he’s stayed 8 times longer than he said, without contributing a penny to the household, and that he’s squatting your daughter’s bedroom! Ask yourself why he’s so comfortable doing those things while you worry about being thought rude.

Then chuck out the last of your fucks and tell him that he has 48 hours to arrange a new home; you will be moving his things into the garden after that time so that you and your dd can have your home back.

Or tell him a bit more nicely, “Bro, you need to move out on Saturday. Dd needs her room back before school starts and remember you said you would only stay for a week, two months ago. I’ll help you pack but I can’t any longer help with accommodation and financial support.”

Either way, you need to sterilise the soil in the field where your fucks grow. People (I bet it’s not just your brother) need to see that you have no more fucks to give.

No, why should the OP let him do that? He'll never leave if she lets him sleep on the sofa, and she'll be spending all her evenings in her bedroom, while his sweaty arse destroys her sofa.

Just tell him it's sold and you need him out to sort things out. In a fortnight, if he asks, tell him it's fallen through. If asked - no he can't move back in.

I've only read the first page or two, but I disagree with telling him your daughter needs her room back.
You tell him your daughter WILL BE BACK IN HER ROOM on xx day, and he must be out of the house by then.
I certainly agree that you refuse to discuss where he might go to. That's his problem.

And you've been subsidising him!

So money that should be spent on your family has gone on him

Why have you been so passive?

I can't imagine being this deferential to one of my own siblings.

Tell him to get out!

Time for the cheeky freeloading twit to go! Be ready to change the locks if need be. Him going part time and spending his money going out demonstrates very clearly his intention to keep sponging off you as long as you will let him. Totally unfair to you and your DD. Boot him!

Honestly I don't know how OP has gone through life. He did all that and she said nothing?. I understand people pleasing but this is crazy.

You are unable to do the simple math here. 2+2=4. If you don’t do the addition you don’t get the number. You have to act —even if ot is rude—to get the result you want. Your brither us a sponger, an inconsiderate, wanker of a pest. He’s bad with money? He reduced his hours? He begs his divorced sister for money? He’s a shameless waster? You shock me! And you are afraid of being seen as rude? Well you will never get the peace of mind that forthright, bold, rude people know.

Just butch up and tell him to move out. And don’t lend him any more money.

What age is he, he sounds very young?

I'd want him out before you go away. Tell him he's to leave by Friday evening.

If he pleads, begs, insults - make it clear that he is a poor excuse of an uncle, taking over his niece's bedroom for TWO MONTHS. And a poor excuse of a brother, by overstaying by almost TWO MONTHS and not contributing a penny towards your increased utilities and food that he's been helping himself to.

Tell him you're ashamed that he'd treat his sister who is working 7 days a week to support her household, like this and that he should be utterly embarrassed of himself.

Honestly, it's way past the polite and non-confrontational stage. Users like this rely on people pleasers like you, to take advantage of you, and keep pushing the boundaries, because you've never actually instilled any boundaries. He's a user, he doesn't give a shit about you or your daughter.

Get rid. This week.

I would like to amend my suggested message by also asking for rent.

you ask how can I ask him politely? It’s the wrong question - you should ask how can I find my rage to clearly communicate to my brother he’s being an entitled waster who is leeching off a single mum and has stolen your child’s bedroom without doing anything in return and and he needs to stop living off me and leave.

I am expecting tomorrow's update where this CF gives it some "I am a tenant" nonsense.

Kick his arse right out the door, send him to the council.

I assume he has no partner to help out?

Good luck to you.

This and make a plan for how you'll handle it if he just does nothing (which is pretty likely, as that's how he's done it so far). I would suggest: the day after he's supposed to have left, when he goes out for the day, bag up his things and change the lock. Take them to your mum's and text him to say his stuff is there for him to collect.

He's the cuckoo who shoved your daughter out of her nest. Now he's freeloading off you to the detriment of your daughter.

You're going to have to get confrontational unless you think it's your responsibility to house your adult brother at the expense of your minor child. It's not. He went part time. He's planning on staying and screw your daughter. It's time for you to get mad and stop being a doormat.

Give him the date and pack his shit. On the date, toss it outside if he's not out. You're going to have to mean business.

He's relying on this. He knows how hard it would be for you to confront him, but I think that might be easier if you remind him that he knows exactly what he is doing, and is counting on you to let him get away with it.

You should be mad not sad.

To answer some questions: he has no partner, and he’s not young. He only has a couple of clothes at mine, 99% of his things are at my mum’s house. I want him out completely, not living in my living room or paying me rent. Ideally, he needs to find his own place so that he doesn’t bother my mum and sister.
I know I’ve been a of a doormat. I’ve been going through a lot lately with the divorce, trying to find a new place, feeling absolutely exhausted, and working crazy hours. I’ve put off the confrontation, but really, I shouldn’t have. Big mistake!

Agog that you gave him your daughter's room in the 1st place. How old is she?

I could have understood if he was young but if he isn’t young kick him out, he needs a good reality check and to grow up, you will be doing him a favour by asking him to move

Ideally, he needs to find his own place so that he doesn’t bother my mum and sister.
I know I’ve been a of a doormat.

Get angry but not with yourself. I’m guessing there is a history of everyone (all the women at least) in your birth family deferring/pandering to your brother and him never having to take any responsibility for himself- while you are made to feel responsible for him?

You’re not- whether he’s older or younger than you, he’s an adult with a job and therefore is perfectly capable of looking after himself. His problems are not your problems.

Once you have resolved this acute issue, it may be time to examine if this sort of people-pleasing and deferring to more determined/entitled people is a repeating pattern in your relationships, because it can cause you so much angst and repressed, inward-turned anger, it’s really not healthy! But it’s really hard to change those dynamics. Good luck with it all. Repeat after us. “I am not the rude one here!”