Brother took over DC's room and won't leave!

[Rineee]

My brother moved out of his flat (he'd been there for 6 years) into a shared house, where he had his own room. However, there were problems with the room, the bathroom wasn’t working etc. and he didn’t want to stay another month. I suspect he couldn’t afford it. He's terrible with money!

He doesn’t get along with my sister, so staying at my mum’s wasn’t suitable. I offered for him to stay with me, and he said it would only be for a week. I gave him DC's room while she sleeps with me.
It’s now been almost two months, and he’s only viewed one property. He has also reduced his working hours to part-time (I don’t know why) and seems quite comfortable with this new lifestyle. He hasn’t contributed a single penny not even bought a loaf of bread or made any gesture whatsoever. On top of that, last week, he told me he was skint and asked me to lend him money for fuel and again yesterday.

My property is up for sale, I was hoping it'd sell before I'd have to speak with him. I was to say I've accepted an offer, please find somewhere else by X date but it doesn't seem like it'll sell anytime soon.

My DC will be going back to school next month, and she really needs her room back. I’m not sure how to bring up the subject with him. I’m a newly single mum, going through a divorce, and paying for everything on my own, it’s already hard enough without taking on the responsibility of another adult. Even though he’s out all day and only comes back late at night, so he isn't in the way as such, but he still needs to leave!

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

This is great advice

Goodness, it sounds like you have said nothing so far, giving him the impression that it is absolutely fine for him to stay as long as he wants.

You need to have the conversation that you should have had at the end of the first week. Make it absolutely plain that this isn't suitable as more than a very brief emergency measure and that he is absolutely trampling on your daughter's well being and your own generosity.

To be 'polite and non-confrontational' you just need to replace 'absolutely trampling' with 'failing to notice' or some such.

Double post oops

You just need to bite the bullet!

I’d start by pointing out you agreed on him staying a week and it’s now been 8 weeks, and that daughter starts school on x of Sep. She needs her space to rest and he needs to be out by 3 days before start of school AT THE LATEST so she can get back into a routine.

TBH I’d stop catering for him also. Not much you can do to stop him taking food in the house but I certainly wouldn’t be cooking for him etc.

He is the rude one here - absolutely taking the mick. So don’t worry about being rude!

Thank you so much everyone for the great advice.
I’ve really been trying to be as helpful as possible with him. My mum has been supporting me with childcare over the summer, so DC hasn’t been home much. We’re away next week, and he gets paid then too. As one of the PPs suggested, I’ll message him on WhatsApp and let him know he has until the first week of September to move out, as DC is starting school.
My mum is angry with him and feels embarrassed that he’s let things get to this point. I don’t cook for him, but he does eat from my fridge. I’m honestly shocked that he’s had the audacity to ask me for money when he’s been living here completely free. He’s also been asking my mum for money.

Stop being a wet lettuce and prioritize your child

I would say as of today he can buy a tent and live in the garden for a week and then he goes but hes not allowed inside the house full stop and dont give him bedding, or food

He thinks he's on to a good thing Op because the week is long gone and you've still said nothing, that's why he felt free to reduce his working hours. Tell him your DD needs her room back when school starts so he needs to find somewhere else and don't back down. If you don't do it now you'll still have to get him out when you move or he'll expect to move with you.
I know he's family but your DB is just another man whose happy to live off a single DM, no wonder your sister doesn't get on with him

I’m afraid you’re being a mug. He’s taking advantage of you because you’re enabling him to do so.

Tell him your daughter needs her room back by x date, so he needs to find somewhere else to go by then. Don’t enter into arguments about it, just state it as a fact. Remind him every day, so he knows you mean it. Tell him you can’t afford to pay for food for him, and do not buy or cook any for him. Absolutely do not ever lend him any money - just say you can’t afford it.

If you really don’t feel you can say all this to him directly, write him a note. In fact it’s a good idea to put it in writing (and take a photo if the note, as proof) anyway.

He is not your responsibility. Your daughter is, and should be your first priority. He is the one being rude.

Hello,

Need to chat plans about you staying here.

As you know, was a stop gap plan for a week or two. Elsie is going back to school soon, and so we need to be getting set up for back into that routine.

That means she needs to be back in her room by (pick a date about ten days away and a bit before school starts).

If you cant sort something by then, they you can stay on an airbed in the living room for a couple of weeks max, but as she’ll be back at school will need to be up and have it packed away by 07:30 each morning and the space kept clear until she’s in bed.

is there anything I can do with helping you find somewhere to stay.

(also, phone your parents and tell them).

What do you mean “the first week of September”? Woman up! If you are vague, he will happily be vague back! Give him a date in August, buy a collection of bin bags and wave them at him. Tell him that you will be bagging his stuff on the 29th of August if he doesn’t do it himself.

Leave yourself a weekend at least to have the room empty. It’s bound to need scrubbing and airing.

I must be a bitch, because next time he goes out I'd pack up all his stuff. Get your key back - today. Why are you thinking of giving him 2 weeks notice - when you said he could stay for a week ?

Don’t message him. SPEAK to him.

You're still being too pathetic.

Tell him he needs to leave in the next few days and that it's not your problem if he has nowhere to go. He will have to go to your mum's.

Your poor DC has had nearly her whole summer holiday ruined by this and you're still dragging it out until the end of the month.

This. Come on op, grow a bit of backbone here, he’s taking the piss, and at your DD’s expense as well as yours.

I also can't believe you turfed your DC out of her own room to accommodate him in the first place. He should have been given either the sofa or an airbed in the living room. No wonder he has gotten comfortable with the arrangement.

Today - bag up all his stuff in bin liners and leave it outside. Don’t wait another day.

You don’t want to come across as rude to your own brother who is taking massive advantage of you? Stand up for yourself and your daughter and tell him to get the fuck out. He’s the rude one, and you need to stop being so passive!

glad you’re giving him a deadline but you need to mean it and stick to it and give zero shits about being polite and non confrontational. He’s taken the piss massively, given nothing, taken the money that’s meant for you and DC, and he couldn’t care less. Don’t fall for any sob stories or guilt tripping. You’ve more than done your bit and he doesn’t deserve it anyway.

I'd also wonder what he's doing with all his money - he's living absolutely free and STILL trying to get money off you and your mum - what does he need it for?

While he is out remove everything of his from the room and put a lock on the door.

Fuck that do you not think his behaviour is rude? You need to show your dad that men can't treat women like shit family or not.

He’s walking all over you and taking advantage because he knows he can.

Tell him has has until the end of the week to move on.

Thank you, this is great! I just don’t want to offer him the living room, because then he’d never leave. He’d be perfectly happy sleeping on an airbed, it’s still much better for him than having to pay rent and utility bills.

why not?