Brother took over DC's room and won't leave!

[Rineee]

My brother moved out of his flat (he'd been there for 6 years) into a shared house, where he had his own room. However, there were problems with the room, the bathroom wasn’t working etc. and he didn’t want to stay another month. I suspect he couldn’t afford it. He's terrible with money!

He doesn’t get along with my sister, so staying at my mum’s wasn’t suitable. I offered for him to stay with me, and he said it would only be for a week. I gave him DC's room while she sleeps with me.
It’s now been almost two months, and he’s only viewed one property. He has also reduced his working hours to part-time (I don’t know why) and seems quite comfortable with this new lifestyle. He hasn’t contributed a single penny not even bought a loaf of bread or made any gesture whatsoever. On top of that, last week, he told me he was skint and asked me to lend him money for fuel and again yesterday.

My property is up for sale, I was hoping it'd sell before I'd have to speak with him. I was to say I've accepted an offer, please find somewhere else by X date but it doesn't seem like it'll sell anytime soon.

My DC will be going back to school next month, and she really needs her room back. I’m not sure how to bring up the subject with him. I’m a newly single mum, going through a divorce, and paying for everything on my own, it’s already hard enough without taking on the responsibility of another adult. Even though he’s out all day and only comes back late at night, so he isn't in the way as such, but he still needs to leave!

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

@Rineee please get the ideas of politeness and confrontation out of your head. What you need to say to your brother is not impolite, in fact you have been far too polite up to now and been taken advantage of for it. It won't be confrontational either as that involves an element of hostility or forceful behaviour. You need to stop worrying, stop people pleasing and be assertive and confident when you tell, not ask, your brother what is going to happen and when.

Please don't use any of the previous speeches where you ask him to leave, by whatever date and certainly don't give any explanation or justification, such as your daughter's needs, you really don't need one. We're talking about your house and your expenses. Your brother's situation is not an emergency.

Someone described you as an angry doormat and that's what you're being. The fact that your brother's displaced your daughter, has accommodation for no rent or contribution and is even eating your food, is even more disgraceful when he's reduced his hours and spends all his time eating out and socialising.

Tell him the arrangement was very short term, it is now at an end. Definitely no staying on the sofa. If he cites his mental health you can clearly state that you sympathise because both yours and your daughter's is being impacted and so, as you said, he must made other arrangements. No doubt his mental health will improve by putting his life in order and taking charge again. Put a date on his leaving and yes, do inform your mother. Again, the emphasis is on telling people what's going to happen, not asking or seeking opinion, or feeling bad about restoring things for your daughter and you.

You need him to leave before you sell as he could refuse and hold up the sale while you wait months for a court to evict him.
When we remortgaged our 18yo DS had to sign a document stating that he would not claim any residency rights if for instance we defaulted and they reposessed the house.

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

You can't. He's taking the pee and you are letting him. You need to prioritise your child. You don't say how old he is but frankly, he's not your problem. Whether he gets on with your sister or not, is for him to work out. I agree about not offering her your sofa, or an airbed in the living room. Its okay to simply say that you and DC need privacy and stability. Give him an actual date to leave by (as opposed to saying first week in September) and be ready to pack up his things/change the locks if you have to. He's a grown man who is capable of working, he'll be fine. He just needs the women in his life to stop wiping his backside for him.

I don’t understand this …how could you possibly feel awful? It’s your responsibility to take care of your child and you’re using your financial resources on your brother and your daughter hasn’t been able to sleep in her own bed for two whole months!!

What’s wrong with you?!?

You haven't been 'too nice' to your daughter.

Absolutely do not offer the living room either. I’d tell him he’s got a week. I’d have been on his case daily after the first few weeks tbh. You’ve been far too nice and he’s proper taken the piss out of you and your daughter hasn’t he? Don’t worry about being rude (you aren’t btw) he’s the one that’s been rude.

Send him to a flop house for a week snd then wash your hands of him? This is what a friend of mine had to do to vet rid if her abusive boyfriend of nine years. She had two friends move him into a hotel then barred him from her house.

This 👆

Tell him to fcuk off, or you'll throw all his shit out. Change the locks if you have to.
You definitely do not need this in your life.

I've threatened my brother with reporting him to the revenue services. Probably a bit severe, but you are not his keeper.

The time for being polite has come and gone. It’s a case of have his things packed for him coming back, he’s a sponger. He will always remain a sponger is u let him. I cannot abide grown men and women like this. Utterly embarrassing and disgraceful

I certainly wouldn’t give him more than a few days to get out. Definitely don’t offer him the lounge or request rent, but I would say you ask him for £500 for bills/food since he moved in. CF!

There’s a few really important things to do and acknowledge if you want to become more assertive.

The first is to stop using phrases about yourself like ‘too nice’ and ‘people pleaser’. Your situation is a perfect example of why. It’s not nice to leave DD without a room. It’s not pleasing to enable your waster rellie. It’s just under-assertive and damaging to your life.

Second is also don’t use phrases like, ‘I’m a doormat/pushover’. If you say it, it becomes part of who you think you are. And therefore easy to say it and carry on. It’s not that you made a conscious choice not to ask for what you need, it’s that you are just that kind of person. No, you’re actively choosing this.

The last is ‘conflict is inevitable, combat is optional’. ALL important change in life involves conflict. All positive change does. Change is uncomfortable and therefore people avoid it, some more than others. In order to get what you and your DD need, you need to accept that there will be conflict, uncomfortable conversations and difficulties choices. You just have to make them. And let’s be clear, you can decide to be passive for yourself. You can channel Elsa and Let It Go. But you can’t; decide that for your DD, or complain if you chose to be passive. You chose it, actively. So don’t complain about it.

Simple assertive communication:

Pick a neutral time and ask for permission to have the conversation: “Bro, we need to chat about the sleeping arrangements.”
<wait a few seconds> Because often the person will admit fault or offer a solution themselves.
State your case without blame or ‘I statements’; “DD needs her room back by 29 August”
<wait>
Then it’s a case of empathising with the feelings but asserting the facts; “I’m having a hard time, don’t have anyone, feel sad.” “That’s so hard Bro and I’m always here for you to talk. DD does need her room back.”

But you won’t get out of this without some conflict. Embrace it. The more you do, the better you get at it.

Throw him out and change the locks.

Feel very sorry for you. Don't blame yourself for this awful situation, though. You've been kind and supportive and your brother has taken full advantage, but that's on him, not you. Some people are just like that, even though it beggars belief that anyone could be so selfish.

My cousin and her husband took in her older brother during lockdown when his gf kicked him out. He moved into their spare bedroom and stayed there, rent free, for literally years. He was the bane of their life. Stayed holed up in the room all day, never engaging with either of them or contributing anything, but sneaking downstairs to raid their cupboards and fridge in the dead of night. Her husband had to work up to the kitchen table because the 2nd bedroom he'd used as an office was now occupied by this parasite. They wanted to put their house on the market but didn't feel they could because their unwelcome house guest had shitted up the room so badly. We in the family were all seething about it and desperate for our lovely cousin to give him the boot. She felt guilty at the idea and worried what would become of him if she kicked him out. To an outsider the solution seems so obvious - tell the selfish bastard to clear out immediately! - but these people are often master manipulators and it's not always easy for those who care about them to take a hard line. But stay strong and remember what you and your daughter are worth. You don't have to put up with this treatment. Good luck xx

Kindly meant OP, but isn't your child going through enough with her parents divorce, without having her waster uncle foisted on her and losing her bedroom to him?

I'm sorry if that is harsh, but you are so wrong to have done this to her.
Bag up his shit and keep the key in the door.

Do not put your brother ahead of your own powerless child.

You need to make better choices and stop putting your waster brother, your discomfort at confrontation, ahead of your poor daughter.

"He has also reduced his working hours to part-time (I don’t know why)"

You don't know why! It's because he's living rent, food and bills free. He's got the life of Riley hasn't he. Call the police if he won't move out. Your priority is you and your poor daughter who doesn't need this shit on top of her parents' divorce. Your waster of a brother doesn't give a flying fuck about either of you and never will.

I mean, he's also working (albeit part time) so presumably has some earnings. If it IS drugs, even more reason to hoik him out of the house.

You didn't change his nature or re-wire his brain in 2 months. Don't feel bad! He already had low motivation.

Tell him today while you are feeling strong. 1st September is a Monday- gives him 2 weeks from today. Use the wording upthread, you need your dd back in her room before school. You had only agreed to one or two weeks, it’s been 2 months.

Change the locks whilst he is out, the cheeky freeloading c**t. He's taking the royal piss.

He’s part time but out all day? 🤔

Somethings not adding up.

Please throw out the idea of being non-confrontational. You know that he is relying on you being as non-confrontational and nice as you always have been, and using that to take the absolute piss out of you.

If it helps, think in terms of being direct. Direct is not rude. Direct is clear and concise, and leaves no room for "misunderstanding".

"Brother, you have stayed much longer than I offered, and taken more from me than I can afford to give. I can no longer feed, house or finance you. My kid needs her room back now. You will need to have moved out by the time I go on holiday, so by the 25th August. This is not negotiable. I'm sure you'll work something out. (choose a date that he is scheduled to be at work, if you possibly can).

And privately take the day off work on the 25th so that you can take a roll of black bin bags and bag up his possessions and leave them on the front doorstep for when the cheeky fucker thinks he is coming home from work to carry on riding the gravy train. I'm sorry, but I think you'll need to shell out to change the locks too, so book a locksmith.

Please do this....and I would also have all his clothes etc packed up as well....its what I've been reading a lot on hear...he is a cheeky fxxker..

He’s usually out from around 9 or 10 in the morning and doesn’t come back until after midnight. In between, he pops into my mum’s house a couple of times a day.

Do tell - what happened in the end?