Brother took over DC's room and won't leave!

[Rineee]

My brother moved out of his flat (he'd been there for 6 years) into a shared house, where he had his own room. However, there were problems with the room, the bathroom wasn’t working etc. and he didn’t want to stay another month. I suspect he couldn’t afford it. He's terrible with money!

He doesn’t get along with my sister, so staying at my mum’s wasn’t suitable. I offered for him to stay with me, and he said it would only be for a week. I gave him DC's room while she sleeps with me.
It’s now been almost two months, and he’s only viewed one property. He has also reduced his working hours to part-time (I don’t know why) and seems quite comfortable with this new lifestyle. He hasn’t contributed a single penny not even bought a loaf of bread or made any gesture whatsoever. On top of that, last week, he told me he was skint and asked me to lend him money for fuel and again yesterday.

My property is up for sale, I was hoping it'd sell before I'd have to speak with him. I was to say I've accepted an offer, please find somewhere else by X date but it doesn't seem like it'll sell anytime soon.

My DC will be going back to school next month, and she really needs her room back. I’m not sure how to bring up the subject with him. I’m a newly single mum, going through a divorce, and paying for everything on my own, it’s already hard enough without taking on the responsibility of another adult. Even though he’s out all day and only comes back late at night, so he isn't in the way as such, but he still needs to leave!

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

Sod being polite and non confrontational, I guess that's what he's relying on! I think you might have to be fairly confrontational (you don't have to be rude though), and just lay out the fact. 'Sorry, brother, but I'm going to need the room back in two weeks, would you like me to help you pack? Oh, and by the way, next time you go out, could you pick up some toilet rolls, a loaf of bread and some milk, because you seem to have used the last of mine.'

He's relying on you being soft. Toughen up.

Tell him he needs to get out. Now.

You need to be blunt and put your child first. Remove his stuff from her bedroom while he is at work - Today if possible.

So your daughter suffers because you’re too mealy mouthed to say anything?

her back to school is the perfect reason for him to move. Stop making his life so comfortable at her expense.

He is an entitled waster clearly. Tell him the date you want him out. Politely if you want. Don’t get drawn into a confrontation. I’d advise also putting it in writing just to reinforce it. He’s relying on your lack of assertiveness, so you’ll need to toughen up.

Then stick to the plan. Tell others too. Have you any friends or family who will support you on moving out day? Don’t listen to any sob stories. If you feel threatened by him call the police

I agree with this. You sound very kind but he’s not your problem and you really shouldn’t have offered him a room in the first place, it seems like you have enough going on already. Give him a week to be out and help him pack. There’ll be another mug somewhere willing to put him up.

Get out of my house you freeloading git? No?

Yes, and I feel awful. I should’ve been more pushy about him finding another place, but I didn’t want to come across as rude.

I sometimes find it easier to be more comfortable with the possibility of a poor reception and a degree of confrontation if I'm doing something on behalf of someone else - so in this case, I'd be keeping firmly in mind, if I were you, that I was doing this on behalf of my daughter - who has suffered the most disruption and inconvenience as a result of him moving him, with the loss of her room. Her private space, and while her parents are divorcing.

So I'd be saying to him, 'right, X, this was never supposed to be permanent, it was supposed to be for a week, and it's well over that. This is not an easy time for us, and DD needs her room back, especially with school starting. She needs to be settled by the beginning of school, so you need to be out of here by the 30th of August at the latest. I don't know where you're going, you're a grown adult, that's your problem, I've given you all the grace I can to help sort your life out, I've got to focus on my daughter and me, so you need to find somewhere else to doss at this point, and as I said, by this date AT THE LATEST.

What the fuck?? Hi dbro, do you remember how I said you can have dds bedroom for a week? She needs it back for school to start, and as a single mum working my butt off to pay the bills and parent im pretty unimpressed you’ve dropped to part time because you’re comfortably living off me. Definitely time for you to pay your own way in your own place, I’m disappointed you haven’t seen that yourself. School starts xx and I’ll need 4 days before hand to move her back in so you have to be out by…

and if he kicks off say good luck finding anyone as generous as I’ve been, if you find someone half as generous I suggest you don’t take the utter piss like you have with me.

It’s tough sh@t that he doesn’t get on with your sister over at your moms. If there’s space for him there then that’s where he must go but it’s up to him to organise his next nest. Dont get drawn into discussing his nesting options.

You comment that he’s not around much anyway so he and sister won’t see much of one another.

He’s a parasite. Kick him out and get on with sorting out your life. Prioritise your daughter. No doubt shes been through enough.

I had to boot my brother out last year when he moved in when he was having a severe relapse of a mental illness and assumed I would be there to pick up the pieces and he could stay as long as he liked (my parents used to fill this role but they’re too old now. He could be at theirs for over a year getting his life back on track).

I had to prioritise my daughter's needs - who was just about to take her GCSEs, as well as my husband’s, who had also been suffering from depression, and TBH my own, and gave him a date that he had to return to his own flat (as it happened things were taken out of my hands when he threatened to attack my daughter when his symptoms escalated to psychosis). I may sound heartless - I’ve got a whole other thread on it.

What I’m saying is that, regardless of the reasons why he is with you, he is an adult and you need to prioritise the welfare of your daughter, whose home it is. She is not responsible for him, nor are you, and he needs to make alternative arrangements.

“this arrangement is not working for DD and I. She needs her own room back by the time school restarts. The sofa is not an option as that is our living space. Please make alternative arrangements.”

You must be really disappointed with how he's treated you. It's not your responsibility to find him his next place.

You can say that you need him to be out before school restarts and in the meantime he must start paying his way: ask for something realistic like £150 per week starting this week. That should shift him but in the meantime at least you're not paying for him. If he says he can't afford it, tell him that you can't afford to cover his expenses.

I can be a people-pleaser too but this is not about “being rude”. It’s about being a good parent. Your daughter needs her room back by the start of school and that’s not up for discussion.
And the answer to his inevitable question “what am I supposed to do?” is “I don’t know but you can’t stay here. I’m sure you’ll figure something out”. Do NOT get drawn into discussions about the solution to his problem. Because it’s his problem.
There’s a reason he can’t get along with your sister or hold down a full-time job, or contribute fairly to a household he’s staying in and that reason is HIM. He’s immature, he’s selfish and he uses people.
If you can’t put your foot down, what are you teaching your daughter? You’re teaching her that she’s less important to you than him and you’re teaching her how to be a doormat. Back to school is the perfect opportunity to put your foot down. Change the locks if necessary.

Think what you're teaching her daughter and how important she is to you!!!

Blimey OP who cares about being rude, tell the CF to leave!!!

WOW! how did you become like this?. Your brother is staying in your daughters room and you are not able to say anything to him?
If you pet people walk all over you they will do more and more. You need to find your back bone. How have you gotten through life.

I'm actually scared my daughter might act like this I the future. She is a people pleaser and is scared to talk to people about things that affect her negatively.

Sorry Bro, your week ended two months ago. I do not pay through the nose to run this house so DD and I can share a bed and you can have your own room, free meals and work part time.

Where the fuck do you think I get my money from, a tree in the garden?!
How dare you think it’s ok to sponge on me?

Like that.
The person being rude is not you.

@inigomontoyahwillcox I remember your thread, it's great that you can advise OP having been in a similar situation. I'm glad it's all behind you.

You need to get him out. This will affect your council tax too, you won't get the single person's reduction if another adult is living there.

Please grow a backbone.

Your daughter needs to be back into her room as early as next week for her to be comfortably settled before the start of school.

I would be bagging up his things today to make it clear, and removing his key today, with a deadline of the end of this week for moving…

Have a friend or assertive family member in the house with you too.

The fact that he has gone part time at work should make you really angry!. That means he intends to stay in your daughters room permanently!. And intends to pay NOTHING!. He obviously sees you as an absolute pushover. I think you should have therapy to work on standing up for yourself. I'm trying to get therapy for my daughter. She would rather go through hell than be seen as "rude".

Tell him he has to be out by the start of term - no ifs or buts. Just tell him.

Why you should be worried about offending him I do not know - he is happy to take the piss without a qualm.

Wow all you need to say is literally there "My DC will be going back to school next month, and she really needs her room back."

Just WhatsApp him it and say he needs to be out in two weeks by X date. You can add 'fluff' around the message if you desire: "Hi bro, whilst we've enjoyed having you here and I'm grateful to have helped you out during a hard time, it'll soon be back to school and dc will need her room back. you'll need to be moved out in 2 weeks by the xx."

He is banking on you feeling awkward to stay.. I would suggest you tell your mum the situation too so she doesn't try and manipulate you to keep him - she probably knows he will be asking her next!
Don't renege on dates! He can easily find a house share.

Your poor daughter!