Brother took over DC's room and won't leave!

[Rineee]

My brother moved out of his flat (he'd been there for 6 years) into a shared house, where he had his own room. However, there were problems with the room, the bathroom wasn’t working etc. and he didn’t want to stay another month. I suspect he couldn’t afford it. He's terrible with money!

He doesn’t get along with my sister, so staying at my mum’s wasn’t suitable. I offered for him to stay with me, and he said it would only be for a week. I gave him DC's room while she sleeps with me.
It’s now been almost two months, and he’s only viewed one property. He has also reduced his working hours to part-time (I don’t know why) and seems quite comfortable with this new lifestyle. He hasn’t contributed a single penny not even bought a loaf of bread or made any gesture whatsoever. On top of that, last week, he told me he was skint and asked me to lend him money for fuel and again yesterday.

My property is up for sale, I was hoping it'd sell before I'd have to speak with him. I was to say I've accepted an offer, please find somewhere else by X date but it doesn't seem like it'll sell anytime soon.

My DC will be going back to school next month, and she really needs her room back. I’m not sure how to bring up the subject with him. I’m a newly single mum, going through a divorce, and paying for everything on my own, it’s already hard enough without taking on the responsibility of another adult. Even though he’s out all day and only comes back late at night, so he isn't in the way as such, but he still needs to leave!

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

Give him one week notice today, in writing. If he doesn’t leave, you wait for him to go out, bag up all his stuff, place it outside and change the locks. Can you contact a locksmith now to find out how quickly they can get to you when you call them?

Set a time frame, tell him that on that date you will be changing the locks on your house.

Your behaviour is actually really selfish to your daughter if you let this carry on.

This is perfect. Say that OP.

Tbh, I can't believe you didn't bring it up before now. And why didn't you ask him why he changed to part time work when he's meant to be looking for a new place? It wouldn't be rude to ask that, it would be an obvious, natural question to ask in the circumstances. Yourself and your daughter are going through enough as it is without dealing with this freeloader. It's shocking that he hasn't once put his hand in his pocket to buy groceries. He has been completely relying on the fact that he knows you're a pushover. Your daughter needs her own, private space in the house, now more than ever. You need to put her first now.

My OHs brother does the same, and now family cant get rid of him, he is boozing and taking drugs and ruining their children's lives. You have to get him out and do not worry about pissing him or any of your family off

Hi brother, dd will be moving back into her room on Friday.
Please remove all your stuff by then and give me your key.
Anything that’s left will be taken to the tip.

job done. No need to justify why you need your space back to yourself, it’s your house and he has outstayed his welcome by a country mile without questioning if that was okay.
I really don’t know how this hasn’t been broached before by you but change the trajectory going towards.

Could he sleep on the couch/fold up bed in the living room? I agree with you, it's probably better for your daughter to have her own room when she's back in school. Id say just ask him. And if he doesn't care about how you feel, you may need outside help from someone

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

My good god. You need to pull yourself together and put your daughter first. With respect, what on earth has happened that has made you so subservient to men?!! Jesus. Come on.

Tell him to get the fuck out. 🤯

You can understand why your sister doesn’t get with him now.

But tough shit time t send him back to mummy it’s her fault he’s an entitled male - so back to mummy he goes

You might want to soften the blow by first moving him out of daughter’s room onto couch, might inspire some motivation then to get his own privacy and up his work hours again!

Message him and tell him he has a deadline. This is non negotiable and that he will be leaving on that date.

Then black bin bag, put his stuff on the doorstep. If he starts banging the door etc, police.

He will need to declare himself homeless.

He is freeloading and doesn't care about your mental health and your daughter's well being. He could save but hasn't.

He will not listen to anything but you doing this because he thinks you are a doormat and he can get away with it.

And he will get away with it until you put your foot down and kick him out. There is no way around it because he disrespects you this much.

Do you think your daughter should be sharing a bed with you until Christmas? Then what? Next year? Three years time? He will if you let him. He has no incentive to move because he has a very nice lifestyle not paying for anything whilst you struggle.

Can you look your daughter in the eye and say you are doing the best by her? She is learning it's ok for men to take advantage in this way. She's learning she's worthless and that women should be treated like this.

It's not ok.

Time to be the 'Big Bad Meanie' and to chuck this arsehole out. The fact he's related to you doesn't mean you have an obligation to him - he certainly doesn't feel one to you now does he? He feels no responsibility to help you, so why are you doing this.

You should not feel guilty. This is not your problem to solve.

Your mum knew this would happen btw.

Time to speak up for yourself and your daughter. You are thinking about this too much and need to rethink this. You are not being rude. Your brother is.

Brother, I invited you to stay for a week but it’s now been two months. You’ve had plenty of time to find alternative accommodation so it’s time now for you to move on. My daughter needs her room back, I need my house back. And I’d like a contribution to the housekeeping costs as so far, you’ve not paid a penny. I suggest [choose amount] would be acceptable.

You have until Friday to move out completely, in the meantime I will put all your belongings in [garage / shed / utility room etc] and you’ll need to sleep on the sofa as DC is moving back into HER bedroom today.

You don’t want to come across as rude to an adult free loader who is taking the piss.

But you don’t mind coming across and uncaring and unaware of the needs of your child, who has been kicked out of her room with no regard for her comfort and her rights to a space that’s her own?

You need to reassess who your priorities are to. If it helps you pull the trigger, your DD will remember this. Her memory will be you taking her room and not giving her space in her own home, or her memory will be you advocating for her and making her comfortable in her own room, getting her space back for her.

She’s powerless, but you’ve got the power if you choose to use it.

He's a man-child.

Did your Mum treat him differently to you and your sister growing up?

He sounds SO entitled.

Why are so many grown adult males falling into this man-child category?

We as Mums must teach them to do all the same chores and same responsibility at our girls.

They need to learn to tidy their rooms, wash their own clothes, shower regularly and take care of their personal hygiene, shop for food, learn to cook, take care of their physical health etc.

It's like somehow they had a full adult by-pass and just want to stay at home and be looked after like a Mummy's boy.

This would enrage me. Get annoyed and stay annoyed and TELL him he needs to move out, DON'T ask.

tell him to move out, I'd give him maximum 2 weeks, no more. why on earth isn't he buying his own food? You need to become furious at the injustice of it all, not meekly wonder how to bring it up without being rude. He's taking from you and your dc.

I'd definitely not offer him the sofa or living room floor as you'll just be moving the problem to another part of your house. He seems to have somewhere to go all day/evening, so maybe he can stay there overnight too. If not he will just have to present to the council as homeless. What a bloody embarrassment he is, asking his sister for money when you're working 7 days a week and he's only doing part time. He's a leech and he's disrespectful, so please don't worry if you have to be a bit rude OP.

Also, you sound slightly scared of him OP which is not a good place to be in.

I'd think of a much firmer excuse than school starting.

I'm not sure what it is, but he doesn't sound like the type to roll over.

I'd get something cast iron, like he needs to start pay council tax as he's an adult and you'll be fined by the council as you get a single person discount.

You need to think creatively.

He didn't consider your DC during the summer holiday. School will mean nothing to him.

And in all honesty, your mum should be stepping in to sort this out.

It's not your problem he doesn't get on with his sister.

Your Mum needs to step up at this point and take him in hand.

Where's you Dad? Can he sort him out?

But why are you posting that on here? Why haven't you told him he's taking the piss?

Tell him that:

1. It was meant for one week and hes taking advantage
2. You're a single parent who is paying for all the bills and also funding the food he helps himself to. He hasn't contributed once and is freeloading
3. You work two jobs so you don't want to hear about him having a hard time especially when he's cut his hours
4. You tell him that youve helped him enough and he should not be expected handouts from you and he needs to grow up and find his own place

Tell him you want him out by the end of the week

Get a backbone and do this for your daughter instead of telling strangers how frustrated you are. Direct it at him

He is disgraceful. You can't be kind to someone like him as he will see kindness as weakness and will massively take advantage. He thinks he can take over your daughter's bedroom, contribute nothing, eat your food, go part-time at work and ask you for money. He is shameless.

If he refuses to leave, you need to change the locks and call the police if he gets nasty.

Yes, definitely give him an ultimatum. Say he has to be out by Monday September 1st , and if he hasn’t removed his stuff, you will be removing them for him. That gives him two weeks. Say you will not be accommodating him any longer, and he has plenty of time to sort something out.

He may kick off, throw a tantrum but stay strong. You’re a newly single mum, so strong enough to get out of a marriage. Use that inner strength for this situation. Put your family first!

Remember that you're not actually helping him by letting this situation continue.
He is actually becoming dependant on an unsuitable situation. What you offered was kind as a temporary stop gap, but by letting it continue he'll just become more dependant on you and further from behaving like an independent adult. It's like helping someone who's physically incapacitated after surgery - at some point they need to get up, start physio or whatever and move their own body otherwise they'll become deconditioned and it'll feel even harder to start the recovery process.

The sooner he starts the next stage, the sooner he can recover.

Send the message, be clear, no hints. Set a date. Don't waver. He needs a clear and consistent message. If he feels like he can push back then he'll keep doing that. You need to be strong.

You don't need to convince him or persuade him about this, so don't get into arguing the "why".

And your daughter can have her room back any day you choose. Even today. But ideally before you go away on holiday.

You can't because someone being told they need to leave your home will most likely not take it well, which will lead to confrontation, no matter how you spin it. Not all confrontation is bad either and it's a good skill to have.

Tell him exactly what you have told us about your daughter's needs for her room back and that you aren't able to foot the bill for him as well as your family. He's probably cut his hours because he's presuming he can continue this setup long-term. He may get mad but that's okay. I would also give your daughter back her room immediately and give him a notice period so that he can maybe sleep on the couch until he moves out. That may help as a motivation for him.

I would tell him your daughter is moving back into her room by the end of the week regardless of anything. It's been far too long and the deal was a week. If he doesn't get out of the room, take his stuff out and let your child back in there. I also wouldn't lend him money or cook for him or anything like that.

You have been prioritising your brother over your daughter.

To be a good mum sometimes you have to be direct and even rude to others.

Bite the bullet and tell him to get out within a week as your daughter should be able to have a week in her own room before term starts, to get adjusted back into her own space and routine. It might need cleaning to get rid of the smell of fusty uncle!

Put your DD first and toughen up!

Agree. People like him understand only firmness, they see kindness as weakness. move your daughter back in and tell him to take his stuff.