Brother took over DC's room and won't leave!

[Rineee]

My brother moved out of his flat (he'd been there for 6 years) into a shared house, where he had his own room. However, there were problems with the room, the bathroom wasn’t working etc. and he didn’t want to stay another month. I suspect he couldn’t afford it. He's terrible with money!

He doesn’t get along with my sister, so staying at my mum’s wasn’t suitable. I offered for him to stay with me, and he said it would only be for a week. I gave him DC's room while she sleeps with me.
It’s now been almost two months, and he’s only viewed one property. He has also reduced his working hours to part-time (I don’t know why) and seems quite comfortable with this new lifestyle. He hasn’t contributed a single penny not even bought a loaf of bread or made any gesture whatsoever. On top of that, last week, he told me he was skint and asked me to lend him money for fuel and again yesterday.

My property is up for sale, I was hoping it'd sell before I'd have to speak with him. I was to say I've accepted an offer, please find somewhere else by X date but it doesn't seem like it'll sell anytime soon.

My DC will be going back to school next month, and she really needs her room back. I’m not sure how to bring up the subject with him. I’m a newly single mum, going through a divorce, and paying for everything on my own, it’s already hard enough without taking on the responsibility of another adult. Even though he’s out all day and only comes back late at night, so he isn't in the way as such, but he still needs to leave!

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

yeah do not offer living room. he will ignore your up and put away bu xxx and won't move out either. Big girl knickers on and foot down.

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

You don't.

You can't do it non-confrontationally. It is a confrontation. You need to stop being a doormat and put your daughter first and have a confrontation. He's taking the piss.

He is using you precisely because he KNOWS you won't confront him. You need to find a backbone.

Sorry.

You don't want to be rude to your sponging brother, but you are OK treating your daughter as a second class member of the family.

Yes absolutely don't offer him the living room. I'd just be very simple about it-

Hi brother, you were only meant to stay a week and it's been two months. DD starts back to school on X date and needs her room back so you'll need to find something else by then.

Is your brother not coming across as rude? I don’t understand how you can be so wet about this. Why haven’t you said, ‘oi mate, time to move on dd’s having her room back’.

Why are you letting your daughter suffer for this looser?

"My daughter needs her room back on X date. Let me know if you need help moving out."

Problem solved, unless he refuses to leave of course.

I would do some work on yourself on why you would be worried about being rude to someone who is stealing (essentially) money off you and your dd, has stolen (essentially) your dds bedroom, is lazy, selfish, self absorbed, deliberately putting you in a position because he knows you don’t like the conflict, on and on, just awful.
brother or not, he’s not a nice man, he is using various soft women to exhaust themselves to buy himself the freedom.

he is the one being rude by his actions. You would not be being rude, almost regardless of how you said it, to point out his actions aren’t acceptable.

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

Your can't, and you shouldn't.

You need to be very clear, and if this means being impolite and confrontational, that's too bad.

Tell him he's got till this Friday, then chuck him out. Change the locks, and call the police if he tries to get in.

The time for politeness has long gone.

My property is up for sale, I was hoping it'd sell before I'd have to speak with him. I was to say I've accepted an offer, please find somewhere else by X date but it doesn't seem like it'll sell anytime soon.

But that would be at least 3 months between accepting an offer and closing. You were willing to have your child out of her room for that length of time because it was easier to have the excuse of moving when you told him to leave?

You are bending over backwards to please a loser who couldn't care less about you or your child.

But why are you worried about being rude and upsetting him @Rineee when he’s happy to take the piss, spend your money and put your child out of her own room?

You’re giving far too much care to the feelings of someone who couldn’t care less about yours. Your mum clearly has his number when she wasn’t the one to open her door to him.

Once you get him out all you’ll get from him is passive aggression anyway so bite the bullet.

Sounds like drugs.

Change the locks while he's out, pack all of his stuff and leave on the doorstep for him to collect when he returns late in the evening.

Job done!

He's a CF freeloader and doesn't give two hoots about you or your dd. 😡

Sounds like something my daughter would do...I'm really worried about her😣

This is FAR too nice for a scrounging lazy waster who is contributing nothing, even asking for money when he’s living with OP rent-free and has had the audacity to stop full time work as he has a free room.

“I was happy to help you out but it was supposed to be for a week. I need my child’s room back by x date and need you gone by then.”

Why has he reduced his hours ? Did he consult with you first. If not I’d hit the roof. The agreement was for a week or two, inconveniencing yourself and your daughter for two months is taking the piss. Tell him to get his arse in gear and find somewhere he can afford even if it means increasing his hours again - if that’s even possible. He should be looking at everything. There are loads of websites offering spare rooms in houses so include those too. It’s not a matter of you being rude, it’s a matter of him taking you for granted and massively overstepping.

Do you think that for even one minute he has given any thought to how much his CF antics is negatively affecting you and your DD? No. So then why should you waste so much of your worrying on him? Tell him he has a week (like the one week he was meant to stay in the first place!) and if he isn’t out you’ll be having him thrown out.

Why are you twisting yourself up so much on his behalf when he clearly doesn’t give a single shit about you and your DD? Don’t be like me and wait until after you are 50 to realise that you can’t always be a people pleaser, that no means no, and that at the end of the day you have to do what’s best for you and those you are responsible for; and that it’s perfectly fine to tell people (even those we love) to fuck right off from time to time.

Rude? Do you think freeloading and then asking to borrow money whilst you occupy a child's bedroom is rude?

I feel quite angry on your child's behalf. They lost their bedroom because you lack the backbone to put her first. Woman up. Tell him in a matter of fact way that your child needs their room back before school starts so he needs to have found alternative accomodation by X date. Do not allow him to sleep on the sofa. You've made him far too comfortable so I'm not surprised he doesn't want to leave.

Why on earth are you worried about being ‘rude’!? Can you not see how rude he is being? He said he would be staying a week but has stayed 2 months. He hasn’t contributed a single penny despite working. He eats this food from your fridge. He’s asking you to lend him money despite the fact you’re already giving him a free place to stay. Everything he is doing is rude, why do you care if he thinks you’re ‘rude’ by putting down boundaries. Your brother is not your responsibility, your daughter is. She needs to be your priority, you need to put her first and stand up to your brother.

Why should your brother pay to rent a room when he can sponge off you? That’s his thinking, and that’s why he cut his hours at work. He now has minimal expenses so can have plenty of Me Time, while you and your poor daughter suffer.

Get the sponger out! Tell him he needs to be gone by Friday 10am. In the meantime, pack his stuff into bags, move him onto a thin camping mat on the lounge floor and take the sofa cushions into your room each night so he can’t lie on the sofa. Your daughter will have her room back and it’ll be clear that he’s no longer welcome and that you’ve had enough.

You and your mum need to join forces, don't leave it till school, end of August and there's a bank Holiday. Have either of you given him money. When he kicks off and says it's unfair you just tell him he has to go, he can present himself to the homeless team if he can't afford rent, he can look at flats hares if anyone will have him. To be sure he goes I'd offer 2 nights in a cheap hotel so he has somewhere to sleep but that's it. Do not offer an airbed in the lounge, he'll never leave, would your mum take him in.

Hi Dave

regarding your living arrangements, I initially said that you could stay for two weeks, it’s been two months and my dd needs her room back before school. I’m giving you until x date to leave my house and find somewhere else to live’

if he says he’s got no money/can’t find anything else you’ll need to put your big girl pants in and tell him that although that’s not great for him, there’s nothing you can do and it’s not your problem. He can then apply with the council as he’s essentially homeless

Don't hsve to be polite. Give him a date he needs to be out by. He's outstayed his welcome.

He's had two months rent and bill free to save and look for a new place. This is not your issue, you have been MORE than generous. Try to remember that.

Give him notice, no discussion on sofas, tents or ongoing presence. If he doesn't go, pack up his stuff and drop it to your mums. I'd also change the door lock if you think he will refuse to give it back or have a spare cut.

Sorry put its time to put your daughter first, you should have done this a month ago! Tell
him today that he needs to be out by the weekend and if he doesn’t leave, chuck him out and change the locks.

To reply to some of the questions: he hasn’t consulted me at all about reducing his hours. My mum asked him to go back to full-time, but he refused and said he’s happier this way and that his mental health is better. When he first moved in, he said he was planning to sell his car and use that money for rent, but instead of saving, he’s been eating out every day and night and spending time with friends.
I feel really sad because he’s taking advantage of the situation and hasn’t offered any help whatsoever, while I’ve genuinely tried to support him because I care. He usually comes home very late, so I doubt I’ll catch him to speak face-to-face. I’ll send him a WhatsApp message instead, and I’ll also let my mum know so she can expect him.