Brother took over DC's room and won't leave!

[Rineee]

My brother moved out of his flat (he'd been there for 6 years) into a shared house, where he had his own room. However, there were problems with the room, the bathroom wasn’t working etc. and he didn’t want to stay another month. I suspect he couldn’t afford it. He's terrible with money!

He doesn’t get along with my sister, so staying at my mum’s wasn’t suitable. I offered for him to stay with me, and he said it would only be for a week. I gave him DC's room while she sleeps with me.
It’s now been almost two months, and he’s only viewed one property. He has also reduced his working hours to part-time (I don’t know why) and seems quite comfortable with this new lifestyle. He hasn’t contributed a single penny not even bought a loaf of bread or made any gesture whatsoever. On top of that, last week, he told me he was skint and asked me to lend him money for fuel and again yesterday.

My property is up for sale, I was hoping it'd sell before I'd have to speak with him. I was to say I've accepted an offer, please find somewhere else by X date but it doesn't seem like it'll sell anytime soon.

My DC will be going back to school next month, and she really needs her room back. I’m not sure how to bring up the subject with him. I’m a newly single mum, going through a divorce, and paying for everything on my own, it’s already hard enough without taking on the responsibility of another adult. Even though he’s out all day and only comes back late at night, so he isn't in the way as such, but he still needs to leave!

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

FFS! Most of us would be happier and have better mental health if we could work part time... doesn't mean we can or do. Unbelievable. Some good advice here OP - hope you get it sorted.

Also @Rineee you need to look at the reality of the situation. you have enabled him to take your daughter's room. Take some responsibility here so you can find the strength to make him leave.

My brother moved in once due to mental health issues for a year. However, I would never give up my child's room for him - he stayed in the spare room. He also helped immensely with childcare during that period - that was kind of his only way of paying back since he wasn't earning much. The kids loved having him there and built up a v close relationship with him so the pros made the cons (loss of space and privacy, increased bills) at lot less difficult.

Your brother is not contributing in any way, nor is he taking steps to improve his situation. So he needs to go asap.

Stop letting wipe his feet on you and your daughter! You’re not a doormat.

Pack his shit up whilst he’s out and leave it in the doorstep whilst he’s out and get the lock changed.

He doesn’t deserve to be given any notice or be treated with any kindness when he hasn’t shown you an ounce of respect, gratitude or paid his way.

He’s a piss poor excuse for a man and a lazy good for nothing to boot!

If you need some insight into where this is all heading look at @inigomontoyahwillcox old thread I don't remember the title, maybe she can tell you but her DB had poor MH and wanted and expected to live with her and she had to really be firm he couldn't stay.
Your DB's living for free, working less, asking you for money and all quite shamelessly, I'm afraid if you wait for him to move on off his own bat it will be a long, long wait.

I don't think you should give him the option of using the airbed in the living room because he will most likely get comfortable there as well then you have to do this all over again.

You got yourself a cock lodger in the process of being skint by a divorce ....you have ALL my sympathies but please, divorce the blood relative too. He's no better than your spouse

He is relying on you not saying anything. You need to put your child first.

Every penny you spent supporting him facilitates his life and reduces your child's.

You need to WhatsApp him that he needs to leave before the day your child starts back to school and then change the locks.

sad????? fucking sad?????? what happened to flaming angry at being taken advantage of? Change locks, stuff on pavement with a note saying not to come back.

You shouldn’t have put him up in the first place. The common denominator is your brother. He is not responsible enough.

Thanks so much to everyone for helping me see the reality of things. I think I’ve been too nice and have been avoiding confrontation, but in this situation, that’s not suitable. I need to bite the bullet and tell him to move out. I’ll call my mum after work today and let her know that I’ll be speaking with him this evening.
I also realise that I’ve been enabling the situation and increasing his reliance and dependence, which makes moving out more difficult now that he’s experienced living here for free for two months.

Keep the message to your cocklodging brother brief and to the point. The arrangement was only ever short term and temporary. Don't give reasons why he needs to go as he will try and wriggle out of it. Mention your daughter needing her room back, he'll offer to kip in the living room, mention the lack of contribution to bills, you'll get a paltry amount for 2 weeks, then it will slip to nothing, because he's got no money etc etc. You and he have both prioritised his wants over and above you and your daughter's needs. Any bullshit that you're making him homeless, you can tell him that the consequences of his decisions are his and his alone.

Oh blimey please don't give him this.
Hi brother. Now that Elsie is going back to school it's time for her to have her bedroom back. It's been fine having you here, but it was only supposed to be for a week.
Please can you move out by the end of August.
Meanwhile - please don't ask me for any more money because I can't afford to give it to you. In fact it's time for you start giving me some money towards your keep, because I can't afford to keep feeding you. I think £40 per week until you move out is reasonable.

Don't start offering to help him find accommodation, he's a grown man. Just put this on repeat - yep, I understand that, however Elsie does need her room back, so you do need to move out by the end of the month.
If he doesn't - pack his stuff and have it waiting for him.

Your poor daughter has been put below him on your list of priorities since he started staying with you. Let that fuel your behaviour now - time to put her first the poor thing!

He’s an arsehole who will take what he can for however long he can. Negotiating or being ‘kind’ won’t work.

You need to be firm and stop teaching your daughter that men are automatically entitled to take priority over women and girls.

P.s. If he suggests staying, maybe on the couch, FFS just say no.

Just tell him she needs her bedroom back by the end of next week 29th so he’s got to go by then . If he’s then not gone just put his stuff outside and change the locks .

We’re away next week, and he gets paid then too.

I would empty or run down the fridge contents and hide the toilet rolls while you are away, as well as giving him notice

He needs to be an adult.

Good luck with the chat. Hope it goes well. Don’t back down when the excuses for not being to move start. Prioritise your daughter!

FFS, he doesn't mind being rude to you does he?

When you talk to him be very clear, direct, give a deadline. And if he isn't out by that date stuff is in the garden and the locks are changed.

He will argue and try to guilt trip you because this is all working very well for him thank you. Do not get drawn into any of that nonsense, you don't have to justify yourself, it is not a debate or a negotiation. Just repeat it.
He's lucky he's not getting a bill for 7 weeks keep, CF.

Be firm.

And persistent.

Be firm.

And persistent.

Do not let him wear you down.

He's got to go.

Good luck OP and let us know when he’s gone!

Be powered by your daughter’s needs and by a desire to show her that women don’t bend over backwards for men and she doesn’t have to give up her space for them. She’ll remember the lesson in her future, too.

Completely agree with this!

OP, you have been far too kind to him, to your childs detriment, sadly. He thinks you are a pushover.
Don't worry about hurting his feelings or seeming rude because he obviously doesn't care about your feelings. In fact it would be good if he takes umbrage, then he can go stay with one of his friends and see how long they'll put up with him.

You’ve gone above and beyond for him. You’re worried about offending him but he doesn’t give a shit about how he treats you or your daughter

This is so different to him crashing in your spare room, he has literally stolen your DC’s bedroom! If he tries t guilt you, just remember that fact. You are not his mother.