Brother took over DC's room and won't leave!

[Rineee]

My brother moved out of his flat (he'd been there for 6 years) into a shared house, where he had his own room. However, there were problems with the room, the bathroom wasn’t working etc. and he didn’t want to stay another month. I suspect he couldn’t afford it. He's terrible with money!

He doesn’t get along with my sister, so staying at my mum’s wasn’t suitable. I offered for him to stay with me, and he said it would only be for a week. I gave him DC's room while she sleeps with me.
It’s now been almost two months, and he’s only viewed one property. He has also reduced his working hours to part-time (I don’t know why) and seems quite comfortable with this new lifestyle. He hasn’t contributed a single penny not even bought a loaf of bread or made any gesture whatsoever. On top of that, last week, he told me he was skint and asked me to lend him money for fuel and again yesterday.

My property is up for sale, I was hoping it'd sell before I'd have to speak with him. I was to say I've accepted an offer, please find somewhere else by X date but it doesn't seem like it'll sell anytime soon.

My DC will be going back to school next month, and she really needs her room back. I’m not sure how to bring up the subject with him. I’m a newly single mum, going through a divorce, and paying for everything on my own, it’s already hard enough without taking on the responsibility of another adult. Even though he’s out all day and only comes back late at night, so he isn't in the way as such, but he still needs to leave!

How can I raise this topic politely and in a non-confrontational way?

Thank you. I’d never offer him money, because he would just come to expect it every month and take it as me being responsible for paying for him.

Agreed, definitely don't offer him the airbed!! He will never leave and even if he does for a while he will always think it's an option to come back and sleep in the lounge again.

Your brother sounds vile, you are going through a difficult time and you're a newly single mother and he decides now is a good time to swoop in, freeload off you and your child and to reduce hours because you are now covering his costs. What a disgrace of a man.

Feel no guilt OP. He is taking advantage of you AND your child. I know it's difficult because I'm also a people pleaser but your child comes first and he doesn't seem to give a rats arse about either of you.

You have to be strong. I have a DB who takes completed advantage where he can,
so I understand the feeling of conflict when it's your sibling, but enough is enough. Your DC comes before your DB. He needs to go. Don't let him sleep in the living room as he will never go, as you say. He is a grown up and he can look after himself.

It doesnt sound like he's done anything to show his appreciation for you does it? He could've contributed financially, bought some shopping, cooked meals, done some jobs for you in house or garden, but the fact that he hasn't done any of that just shows his entitlement.

He seems very wrapped up in himself OP. To say that his mental health is better because he’s reduced his hours and is basically living off you, is totally overlooking the fact that to make himself feel better he’s massively inconveniencing you and your daughter.

Australia had a Prime Minister once who said “always back Self Interest. At least you know it’s trying to win”.

Exhibit A named Self Interest - one brother belonging to @Rineee

He doesn't sound very nice. You can ask him to leave today and if he refuses put his stuff outside and deadlock the door.

He's taking advantage of you and your daughter.

How old is your daughter and why doesn't he get on with your sister?

He has not shown you any respect or been concerned about being rude. Your child comes first. You set a date by which he needs to have left, and you mean it, send by message if you have to. This can be today if needs be and leave his belongings somewhere appropriate outside and lock the door. If he becomes difficult about it or refuses to leave or tries to come back you contact the police and they remove him. Harsh but you have to put your child as the priority.

Out he goes.
Hi brother,
As you know I agreed that you could stay here for 2 weeks to help you out but it's now been 2 months.
DD needs her room back so that means you'll need to vacate the room and move out of the house by X date at the latest.
I'm letting you know now so that you've got a couple of weeks to find alternative accommodation.

Remind him 4 or 5 days before the move out day. If he hasn't vacated the room by the deadline just put his stuff into bin bags and take them downstairs, move DD back into room. He might then start going on about sleeping on the sofa, "No, that's too disruptive for us, DD needs her routine for starting school so we can't have someone sleeping on the sofa"
He'll have to stay with a friend for a few days or go to your mum's or a Premier Inn or wherever until he gets sorted. He's just a chancer taking the piss.

But he has already been rude by overstaying his welcome by over seven weeks to the detriment of your daughter. Most people would have put their foot down immediately and not offered their kids room. You are obviously too nice a person and he is thoroughly taking advantage of that. Your child needs her room back and that is a simple as it is. And that’s how you start the conversation. Good luck OP!!

Put your big girl's pants on - find your anger - get on with it today!
You cannot afford to money roll this sponger. Get rid! Get started today!

What’s really pissed me off the most is that he said he’d had a hard week when he asked to borrow money. Meanwhile, I work 2 jobs and work pretty much 7 days a week and at night/early mornings when DC is asleep, have no childcare support from my ex who’s moved to another country so I look after DC entirely on my own.

Tell him today. Give him 1 week. He is a massive user with zero conciense. He will take and take and take and he doesn't care how it affects you and your daughter. Have you said nothing at all this time?

OK so he talks about his mental health - now it's time for you to talk about yours and your daughter's mental health.

"Brother, I agreed you could stay with us for a week. You've been here nearly eight weeks, you haven't paid a penny for food and you have been taking up Daughter's bedroom. This is really bad for her mental health - she needs her own room. My mental health is also suffering because I don't have my own space. You are the only person here with their own bedroom and that is just crazy as you don't pay anything.

You are eating all my food so I'm in my overdraft, and you have abused my hospitality. I want you to leave by Friday evening as I want to paint Daughter's room ready for her going back to school. And no, you can't sleep in the living room. Daughter and I need our home back to ourselves.

Don't even think of asking whether you can borrow any money - I'm in my overdraft and don't have a penny to spare. You do owe me a couple of hundred for food over the last two months - you've got my bank account details so I'd be grateful if you would pay that in at the weekend."

My God OP, you’re an absolute doormat. You’ve got to put your foot down and tell him it’s time to go. He’s sponging off you, costing you money and I can’t believe you’ve allowed him to do this. What a cheeky fucker he is. It’s time to go. He’ll have to go back to work full time and get himself a room.

If you can raise the topic with us, you can raise the topic with him.

You are a parent over a sister. You cannot prioritise hm OR your discomfort at dealing with him over the needs of your child. She needs her room back.

I'd be telling him he's taken the piss long enough and he has a week to find other arrangements.

If he's not out by the day before DD goes back to school, pack his bags while he's out, take them to your parent's house and call a locksmith.

He's going to kick off but tough shit.

DD comes first.

If you don't bite the bullet and give him notice ASAP, you could come out of this looking like the unreasonable one for not giving him enough notice to leave.

You got stung.
Give him a deadline, it's unacceptable to stay in someone's home without contributing financially.

Stunned at all the huge ‘notice periods’ being talked about here. Why on earth does he deserve ‘10 days’ or ‘first week of Sept’?! He has already overstayed by six weeks.

OP give him to 5pm Saturday 23 Aug to avoid any nonsense about him being too busy working to pack. If he doesn’t pack then do it for him - get your mum over to help and support. He leaves your house this Sat afternoon.

You don’t need to give him excuses about your DD going back to school. He should never have had the audacity to take over her room in the first place.

You have massively helped him out. He has massively abused your kindness.

A newly single mum who has only just divorced and your DD who is presumably going through a lot and he thought he’d take over a bedroom, take your money and food and then cut his work hours? He’s a misogynistic parasite, OP.

Yet you're happy for him to be rude to you ... and he doesn't give a shit about you or your DD!

I had this with my BIL and I was the one that had to tell him, enough was enough, though he did contribute and he was in the spare room.

You have to speak up!

@Rineee ,

You sound like a really nice and kind person and I don’t think people should be criticising you for that!

But, your brother is massively taking advantage of that fact. He is not being decent or kind to you or your child.

There is a degree of sunk cost fallacy here (look it up if you haven’t come across it). Just because he has come to expect to freeload doesn’t mean he has any right to keep on doing so!

Just give him notice today. Ideally zero. He can go and stay on your parents’ floor for a week or two if he has to. If you want to be really nice, give him two weeks.

Don’t be stressed if he makes out you are the bad guy. Just look at this thread to remind yourself how he has behaved.

You claiming your space back, that you pay for, is not rude! He’s being very rude, inconsiderate and selfish. Stand your ground. Do not get involved with his next move or the whys and wherefore. Stop trying to help him - he’s an adult and he certainly isn’t trying to help you! Tell him he’s got until X date snd he must move out and your child moves back in to her room. DO NOT say he can stay in the living room on an airbed!!!

Is there someone who can help you reinforce this?

You need to give him an exact date to leave, say one month from today, and literally say in writing that the arrangement ends on x date, as situation isn't feasible any longer.

It's up to him how he makes that work. He needs to increase his hours and find a flat share, simple, like all independent adults who live in areas they cant rent or buy as a single person. I shared til I was 26, thankfully with friends from uni but still, gotto be done as was in London. You don't need to hear his tale of woe, how he's skint etc, that's not your business, he's grown.

Your daughter has gone through plenty with change and then going to school, she needs her space.

And don't let him say oh well I will contribute then in an effort to stay, as he will if you say you jeed yo go because you've not paid. Its just you meed to go because its time and my daughter needs her room, simple.

If he digs his heels in then he's risking a family fall out which is long term very stupid but you aren't and can't be responsible for that.

Are you scared of him kicking off?

You would not be rude to tell him to leave, he is incredibly rude to you.

Just tell him he has to go. I wouldn’t give him two weeks as he’ll probably overstay. Tell him he has to be out by the weekend.

Have you got someone irl who can support you? We think he’ll try and wear you down.

Stop being an angry doormat. You're setting yourself on fire to keep him warm (to the detriment of your child) and feeling angry because he hasn't noticed your sacrifice. He feels entitled, he wouldn't care if you worked yourself into the ground to support him. Try caring a little less yourself and let him take responsibility for his own life just like every other functional adult has to.

He took the piss.
I hate when people mistake kindness for weakness and take advantage.
I've no problem nipping it when I notice the piss take.