Just had a message come through on Messenger…

[Jazzicatz]

Just out for the day and checked my phone and I have a message from a stranger basically saying they think we share the same dad! This person is in their 60s, which would mean it was before my parents were together. They want a dna test to see if my father is also father to them. I haven’t replied yet, I am still in shock. What should I do?

No, just the ideas of precedence eldest-middle-youngest and all that seem to have faded by adulthood. I am one of several siblings and we are not fighting for turns on the quad bike anymore, nor do we have staggered bedtimes or a sliding scale of pocket money.

Unless you are adopted as a baby, or are in a relationship with someone who is, you really can’t begin to understand how it feels. It’s not known as the primal wound for nothing.

But you’ve grown up together. It’s not the same as finding out as an adult that you weren’t the first born after all, that your parent had a child you didn’t know about.

My dad has a half sibling from his dad who buggered off and remarried. To the best of our knowledge she has no idea that her father had a whole family before she was born. Another wife, and five other children.

You can’t possibly suggest that finding that out wouldn’t be traumatic, even life-long traumatic.

In fact I’d say it’s probably worse than being adopted. At least if you’re adopted you know your family aren’t who you think you are and you know that part of your family is missing.

To be hit with this 30, 40,50 years down the track would be beyond devastating. It would mean your whole life was a lie.

I know it's complicated, and there's plenty of harm caused by these family secrets (of course, there are similar stories to yours in my extended family, and probably in most families), but my deepest sympathies firmly lie with the adopted or long-term fostered ones looking for their families or answers. You really can't compare the suffering of a child aching for their parents to a solid middle-aged person finding out they aren't the eldest.

That was my first thought and if OP's DD is no longer around and the conception happened before he was together with her Mum then I honestly can't see what the problem is?
Personally if a DNA test were to confirm kinship it would surely be up to the OP and/or family whether or not they wanted to further the relationship or not and frankly I'm not sure what sort of 'scam' could materialise?
If it turned out to be negative then obviously end of but in my opinion it's mean spirited and a little selfish to refuse this person at least the opportunity to establish paternity even if it goes no further than that....🙄

This.

But where does it end? You say that they should have the chance even if it goes no further.

But even on this thread we have posters who are resentful that relatives’ long-lost family aren’t interested in pursuing relationships after they’ve been tracked down.

So while to you saying no to a DNA test might be cruel, to someone else it could be considered cruel to not explore the relationship further, to not get to know each other, to not continue to correspond.

At the end of the day it’s a personal choice, and nobody owes anyone anything.

I certainly would never agree to do a DNA test with anyone. and as far as I was concerned I wouldn’t consider someone popping up out of the woodwork to be a sibling, even if they were so by blood. I didn’t have a relationship with them before, therefore they would be nothing to me. And I don’t owe them that.

nobody is wrong for not wanting to pursue such contact. Certainly not for not wanting to do DNA tests to prove paternity etc.

Interestingly I have a different example of this. My DP isn’t adopted but he grew up in foster care. But he and his three siblings were separated, one was removed at birth.

As adults they did resume contact, and he had contact with two of them. But the other one wants nothing to do with them, and they have all resented that fact. And yet that is his choice. Why shouldn’t it be? Why should there be expectation there?

I think you are lacking in empathy for those seeking a sense of the family ties that most of us take for granted.

If your children were put into care and split up, don't you think it would be quite natural if they tried to reconnect with one another one day?

no, not everyone is malicious or a scammer but only a naive person discounts the possiblity out of hand.

its always a good idea to give some serious thought before you ring a bell you can't unring.

Of course. But those children would all be individuals in their own right.

So while some might want to reconnect, others may not, and those decisions should be made on an individual level.

Nobody is wrong for wanting what they want for themselves. But it is wrong for having the expectation that others should want the same thing.

You might hope for it, but you have to accept that not everyone wants the same.

My DP’s brother has made it clear he doesn’t want contact. Occasionally he pops up, but it seems clear that he doesn’t want to re-open that door, not surprising since their childhood was traumatic, and maybe he just doesn’t want to go back there, who knows. But that’s his choice and he’s not wrong for thinking that way.

Equally the rest are not wrong for having pursued a relationship with one another. But they do need to accept theat their bother doesn’t want that.

Gosh, that's a nasty comment. It's only been possible to find people on Ancestry for maybe 10 years, and it's only in the last 5 years that there have been enough people who have done it.

Yes I 'managed' not knowing who I was, not knowing my family medical history for 54 years but it wasn't some sudden whim that made me want to find my birth father.

I found him via Ancestry as his niece did her family tree and was matched with me. My father didn't want to know which is his absolute right.

so a husband isn't part of a family....or an adopted child? because no blood link?

No, that is also family. Consanguinity and affinity.

so blood is not literally what family is

You have a little logic problem there.

Being related by blood to someone literally does make them your family (cosanguinity) as does becoming related to them by marriage or through another legal or social construct (affinity). HTH.

Just remembered these; https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0gd2dgb bbc radio4 “The Gift”; series about; when online ancestry tests reveal more than folk had bargained for.
Soo, there’s no ‘policing’ of the caller (who didn’t mind upsetting OP’s DM) what happens if this supposed relative does worse than just upset, or becomes so upset themselves, possibly jealous (never know how some1 will react in alien/totally new situation) in some way of all new younger ‘relatives’? Nothing preventing caller from carrying out some kind of vengeance?

But it’s meaningless if there’s no relationship there.

You can be a blood relative, that doesn’t make you family in the traditional sense of the word. Family is a bond, a relationship, not just a blood link.

I have relatives I wouldn’t know if I passed them in the street nor they me.

They’re not y family. I just happen to be related to them, but they’re not relevant to me or vice versa.

Similarly if someone popped up on fb and said they were my sibling, while they might be related to me by blood, that doesn’t entitle them to a relationship with me or for me to accept them as a sibling.

Plenty of men walk away from their children at birth, should they have the right to call themselves those children’s father if they pop back up 40 years down the line?

The point about Father, yes they are indeed still Fathers although inadequate. The child gets exactly the same rights. I know someone that absent Father who wasn’t on their birth certificate got a different European passport from their Paternal side. Neither may want a relationship but the child’s rights remain, whether you pass them in the street or not only adoption changes those rights.

Wise advice.