Just had a message come through on Messenger…

[Jazzicatz]

Just out for the day and checked my phone and I have a message from a stranger basically saying they think we share the same dad! This person is in their 60s, which would mean it was before my parents were together. They want a dna test to see if my father is also father to them. I haven’t replied yet, I am still in shock. What should I do?

How did they get the information to message you?

You work it out with a lot of hours spent on ancestry websites. Once you do your dna you then see others who share your dna. You then do multiple family trees of those people who share your dna and when you find a link you work forwards to people who are alive now. Your 'found' relatives don't have to have provided dna sample themselves, you work from birth, marriage and death certificates.

Once you know who they are Facebook is usually the easiest why to find them. If their profile includes their location and other family members who are friends then you can be pretty certain they are who you are looking for.

It's the same process used to find family members of people who die without a will.

So for example of all the dna matches I had 5 shared an ancestor ( I had to do 10 family trees to work that out!). That common ancestor was clearly related to me so I followed that person's family tree using birth and marriage records and eventually found my birth fathers birth record

Thank heavens someone sensible has turned up.

I have had this exact same scenario. Woman younger than me got in touch with one of my siblings. My sibling wasn’t interested but I was, we started corresponding and met up. DNA tests have since proved she is in fact my half sister and my dad had an affair with her mum. She’s absolutely lovely and I am very proud to call her my sister and feel lucky to know her.

Honestly as someone said there is a long way from Block them to They are going to steal all your money.
There are a lot of scams out there but actually what often happens is the scammer asks for money due to some sort of ‘crisis’ and the person being scammed hands it over.
Maybe have a conversation with this person and don’t hand any money over?

Having been in the position of not knowing who my father was it would be a lovely thing to be able to give someone closure or answers. Selfish not to in my opinion especially as you have probably benefited from having the person of interest in your life.

It’s a real shame people can put themselves on Ancestry websites and inadvertently lead to other family members being landed with this. I’d never add myself on any of these sites.

Deleted Facebook thanks to this thread too - have been meaning to a long time anyway.

I am so happy you found each other

Thing is...with a grown adult not knowing who a parent is the dogs aren't sleeping!

You can have children and they can come to find you in the future...

If people choose not to tell future partners they've had previous children...that's on them and can deal with the consequences!

Dodgy. How did the person find you?

Before any discussion I'd want to know how they got my number? Read what they have to say then think about it for a couple of days before asking them to explain the details in writing. After each contact give yourself time to to think and respond or not. It may be genuine but don't take any chances with your personal info, there will be an official source to check somewhere. Stay grounded and stay connected with someone you trust to go through it with you. I hope it turns out to be good news and even then you still have a choice. Good luck o.p.

I’m a DNA detective and genetic genealogist. Situations like this happen far more often than many people realise, and they’re often not scams — sometimes it’s simply someone trying to find out who they really are.

I’d be happy to review THEIR DNA test results to assess whether their claim seems legitimate. In many cases, I can tell quite quickly — and without you testing — by looking at their other matches. From there, I can advise you on whether it’s worth taking a DNA test yourself to confirm the truth one way or the other.

This could be a sensible way forward to protect you while also getting clarity. If they’re genuine, they will likely engage. If not, then they likely won’t. Drop me a PM if you’re interested, and I’ll send you details of my own company so you can check me out: I have Facebook and Google reviews and am fully qualified and registered.

I wouldn’t be interested at all. It feels more like a hand grenade thrown into one’s life, rather than a curiosity.

To those saying "scam" how would that benefit someone?

Be careful if you are considering engaging. It might be genuine, or it could be a scam. If you want to engage, get a phone number and use WhatsApp. Facetime to ensure a real person on the other end. Find out more about them including confirmation they are in the same country as you. DO NOT ever send any money if for example they ask for funding/ joint funding for the test. DO NOT share personal details such as date of birth- it can be used for identity fraud. Sorry but FB is full of scammers - I've had a friend and a family member both fallen victim in the last week alone.

See my post

It's Facebook messenger. Anyone on FB can exchange messages without a phone number

If they're determined to pursue it, find out as much about them as you can before delving into family records. It could just be a scam set to unnerve you.

You could suggest that you both do the DNA test with the same company, like Ancestry. I think if it's a match, Ancestry will identify it as that of a relative. I did one ages ago and it offered second and third cousins. If it's not, it won't link profiles. Done independently, each with their own test kit, and without sending anything to each other, sharing any more info, or going together anywhere. Would that work?

I don’t think you have any idea what it is like to be a victim of forced adoption, which if this person is in their 60s it almost certainly would have been. Not knowing who your parents are can be devastating. My DH has found his maternal birth family via ancestry DNA and it has made a huge difference to him even though he had a happy childhood with his adoptive parents I believe he still has a right to know where he comes from. His birth Mother and family have been incredibly welcoming which is wonderful.
Of course finding a Father is much more difficult as the name is rarely on the birth certificate, but even if they have already died it is important to know as much as possible about where you come from. It is not just curiosity but the repairing of a hole in your life.
Yes of course you need to proceed cautiously but once a adoptee has a name it is not difficult to trace a person and FB messenger is the logical way to get in touch. It does not need to be a scam.

Some of the responses on this thread are incredibly cruel.

In England and Wales at least it is often quite easy to find maiden names, there are records online that are easily searchable. I know I've done so for my family and for others. And from maiden name, birth records, marriage records, and your mother's maiden name and so on. Obviouly harder if there had bren adoptions.
And have never scammed anyone, just shared family history with long lost relatives and found out more about sharedrelatives that we remember

and here's another reach " almost certainly a victim of forced adoption" simply because they are in their 60's. I know you are speaking from your experience, but how is it cruel to require more information before taking this forward?

My dh had the same a while ago, although from photos it was pretty certain as they looked exactly alike. The dad had advanced Alzheimer’s so no chance of a relationship but dh and his new sibling started a conversation and get on well.
We live at opposite ends of the country and with a 20 year age gap they have limited overlap but so far it’s been lovely getting to know the sibling slowly. The sibling had talked about feeling incomplete and struggling with identity their whole life.

my advice would be take it slow if you do end up talking it further. At the very least the dna test would answer a big question for them.

finally some commonsense

As I said proceed cautiously.
Forced adoptions were common in the 1960s both through the catholic and the Church of England.