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Original poster

Just had a message come through on Messenger…

220 replies

Jazzicatz · 08/08/2025 18:54

Just out for the day and checked my phone and I have a message from a stranger basically saying they think we share the same dad! This person is in their 60s, which would mean it was before my parents were together. They want a dna test to see if my father is also father to them. I haven’t replied yet, I am still in shock. What should I do?

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/08/2025 09:20

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 08/08/2025 19:52

If I got such a message my first thought would be scam. be very careful.

👍

godmum56 · 10/08/2025 09:20

Recycledblonde · 10/08/2025 09:14

As I said proceed cautiously.
Forced adoptions were common in the 1960s both through the catholic and the Church of England.

they were absolutely not unhead of, although many adoptions were not forced too....but that's a long way away from "almost certainly"

BunnyLake · 10/08/2025 09:33

This happened to my mum. He turned out to be a half brother. I suppose the first thing to do is investigate if it’s genuine.

ArabellaScott · 10/08/2025 09:35

Could this be a scam, OP?

godmum56 · 10/08/2025 09:42

cestlavielife · 10/08/2025 09:21

It is possible isn't it? Not so rare

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2005/aug/11/childrensservices.uknews?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

So process it and then decide if you curious to meet.

there's a whole lot of "possibly" and "may not be" in there, also mentioned is the bias because of who gets tested. I can't find the actual article, but I recall reading a while ago that the percentage of children whose believed father was not actually their biological father was about 8% and that so far as could be known, the percentage was pretty standard accross all social classes and also appeared to be the same historically. To be clear this excludes situations where the child was adopted either legally or informally and therefore the father knew although the child may not have done.
I don't think that anyone would say its impossible or rare, just to be careful and not jump into anything. I know enough to know that there might be unknown relatives on my late father's side....children/grandchildren of his siblings. I am not hunting and would not be interested in contact

Dontcallmescarface · 10/08/2025 10:03

Recycledblonde · 10/08/2025 05:18

I don’t think you have any idea what it is like to be a victim of forced adoption, which if this person is in their 60s it almost certainly would have been. Not knowing who your parents are can be devastating. My DH has found his maternal birth family via ancestry DNA and it has made a huge difference to him even though he had a happy childhood with his adoptive parents I believe he still has a right to know where he comes from. His birth Mother and family have been incredibly welcoming which is wonderful.
Of course finding a Father is much more difficult as the name is rarely on the birth certificate, but even if they have already died it is important to know as much as possible about where you come from. It is not just curiosity but the repairing of a hole in your life.
Yes of course you need to proceed cautiously but once a adoptee has a name it is not difficult to trace a person and FB messenger is the logical way to get in touch. It does not need to be a scam.

Some of the responses on this thread are incredibly cruel.

Show quote history

Mine wasn't a "forced adoption", far from it. My mum had an affair whilst married to my dad and I'm the result. My dad forgave mum and brought me up with the same love and care he showed towards their 2 biological children. When my parents both died 5 years ago the daughter of the OM got in touch to say how much she and the rest of her family would like to meet and get to know me. I didn't answer and blocked her. I have no interest whatsoever in that side of my gene pool. I never felt there was a "hole" in my life nor was I ever curious about "where I came from". Your DH may have wanted answers to questions he had but you cannot declare that's want everybody wants/needs.....some of us are just not bothered.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/08/2025 10:30

godmum56 · 10/08/2025 09:20

they were absolutely not unhead of, although many adoptions were not forced too....but that's a long way away from "almost certainly"

Show quote history

‘forced adoptions’ were not ‘common’ in the 1960’s in England. The state and charities did not encourage young women ( usually at school) to keep their babies, by offering housing and benefits, people didn’t think that was the optimum scenario for mother or child. However if maternal( or in one case in our village) parental grandparents were willing to support the mother and child, there was no attempt to prevent this.

Churches of all denominations ran adoption services for babies, but they couldn’t ‘force’ anyone to use them.

godmum56 · 10/08/2025 10:42

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/08/2025 10:30

‘forced adoptions’ were not ‘common’ in the 1960’s in England. The state and charities did not encourage young women ( usually at school) to keep their babies, by offering housing and benefits, people didn’t think that was the optimum scenario for mother or child. However if maternal( or in one case in our village) parental grandparents were willing to support the mother and child, there was no attempt to prevent this.

Churches of all denominations ran adoption services for babies, but they couldn’t ‘force’ anyone to use them.

Show quote history

As i understand it and not to judge but I believe more forcing went on in the Catholic Church, particularly in Ireland. It was @Recycledblonde who stated that they were common.

GenieGenealogy · 10/08/2025 10:52

FamilyTreesOnFire · 08/08/2025 22:11

I've been the person sending those messages before, it was definitely NOT a scam. And it's incredibly easy to find out who someone is via open Ancestry family trees and DNA links to your relatives. From there FB and social Media are your friends. The fact that so many on here are completely unaware of what has been easily done online for over a decade is a surprise.

Wild, isn't it.

People confidently saying it's a scam, based on precisely zero knowledge of anything.

GenieGenealogy · 10/08/2025 10:56

I’m not and never will be on ancestry, and over my dead body would I ever upload my DNA anywhere.

So funny.

You might not have any interest in having a tree/account on Ancestry or the other genealogy sites which are available. But there is nothing stopping a cousin, aunt or other relative adding you to their tree. Your birth and marriage records are public, not private.

slightlydistrac · 10/08/2025 11:23

catmum44 · 09/08/2025 23:26

Be careful if you are considering engaging. It might be genuine, or it could be a scam. If you want to engage, get a phone number and use WhatsApp. Facetime to ensure a real person on the other end. Find out more about them including confirmation they are in the same country as you. DO NOT ever send any money if for example they ask for funding/ joint funding for the test. DO NOT share personal details such as date of birth- it can be used for identity fraud. Sorry but FB is full of scammers - I've had a friend and a family member both fallen victim in the last week alone.

Edited

Everyone's date of birth is freely available. All anybody needs to do is order a copy of your birth certificate.

slightlydistrac · 10/08/2025 11:31

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/08/2025 10:30

‘forced adoptions’ were not ‘common’ in the 1960’s in England. The state and charities did not encourage young women ( usually at school) to keep their babies, by offering housing and benefits, people didn’t think that was the optimum scenario for mother or child. However if maternal( or in one case in our village) parental grandparents were willing to support the mother and child, there was no attempt to prevent this.

Churches of all denominations ran adoption services for babies, but they couldn’t ‘force’ anyone to use them.

Show quote history

When I was a child in the 60's, the teenage daughter of our neighbours was sent away 'to stay with an aunt' for several months. When she came back she was a shadow of her former self, and it wasn't until I was an adult that my DM told me what had really happened to her. She was sent away to a mother and baby home to have the baby. She returned without it. I doubt very much whether she made that choice willingly.

Oldwmn · 10/08/2025 11:34

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 08/08/2025 20:53

I can’t believe so many people would just block and ignore a potential sibling.

Your reaction is a) very understandable & b) exactly why potential scammers would use this tactic. It's a dilemma to be sure.

Kidznurse · 10/08/2025 11:35

Soumds like a scam amd i would have my own DNA test done and seek legal advice begore sending the results or you run the risk of sender falsifying results and then start claiming on assests left by your dad. Tread carefully.

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 10/08/2025 12:19

Since we have knowledgeable people here, can I just ask- is it worth my looking on Ancestry? I am a seventh generation New Zealander (though on one branch I have an English great-grandmother) but ultimately virtually all my known ancestors came over from the British Isles in the 19th century. Some of them, some of their kids later returned "Home" to England but we all lost touch. Would Ancestry be able to tell me anything meaningful when my wider family's records over the last 170yrs are partly British Isles, but mostly in New Zealand?

slightlydistrac · 10/08/2025 16:52

@JackGrealishsBobbySocks There's a website called GenesReunited, so you could have a look on there maybe? You might well find other people researching the same names as you.

GenieGenealogy · 10/08/2025 17:02

Genes reunited? No, totally useless.

There are a few things you can try. There are two sides to Ancestry - the records, and the DNA. Each one complements the other. There is no point in doing a DNA test without having a basic understanding of what your tree looks like. A lot of people think that taking a DNA test is a short cut to researching your family tree and it's not - all any DNA test can do is give you a list of people and the amount of DNA you share with them, it is then up to you to work out how they all fit together.

You may get lots of close matches, you may not. It all depends on whether other family members have tested. This is something you cannot predict in advance. Autosomal DNA tests like the ones offered by Ancestry or MyHeritage look at matches on both your mother and father's sides and can go back 5-6 generations - after that the percentage of DNA you share with relatives is so little as to be unreliable. Because of the way DNA recombines there is also the chance that you do not match with a 4th/5th cousin because they have inherited different segments of DNA. I am assuming you are a woman - men can also take a Y-DNA test which is more expensive and only looks at the Y chromosome handed down father-son. This does not mutate quickly and can get you much further back. It is commonly used for surname projects and similar.

So advice - start building your tree. Doesn't have to be on ancestry, other sites are available or you could download something like the free version of RootsMagic and keep it on your own device rather than online. You may have issues tracing people in NZ once they left Britain as there are not things like census available - info here. https://www.govt.nz/browse/history-culture-and-heritage/search-historical-records/search-for-family-history-records-in-new-zealand/

Maddy70 · 10/08/2025 17:37

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 08/08/2025 19:52

If I got such a message my first thought would be scam. be very careful.

Yes this

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 10/08/2025 17:40

Thank you xx

Louisiannadaisy · 10/08/2025 19:00

Happened to me met 2 sisters! I hate them wish I had never embraced them or brought them into our family. All they have done is cause trouble. Nasty, vile! Had no interest in meeting our dad just to slag him off. Even in death they couldn’t let it rest. They never met him, didn’t know him and they never wanted to know him. So my question why did they reach out? Run for the hills.

godmum56 · 10/08/2025 19:03

GenieGenealogy · 10/08/2025 10:52

Wild, isn't it.

People confidently saying it's a scam, based on precisely zero knowledge of anything.

Show quote history

quite a few of us also said that it might be a scam and to be careful.

Recycledblonde · 10/08/2025 19:06

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/08/2025 10:30

‘forced adoptions’ were not ‘common’ in the 1960’s in England. The state and charities did not encourage young women ( usually at school) to keep their babies, by offering housing and benefits, people didn’t think that was the optimum scenario for mother or child. However if maternal( or in one case in our village) parental grandparents were willing to support the mother and child, there was no attempt to prevent this.

Churches of all denominations ran adoption services for babies, but they couldn’t ‘force’ anyone to use them.

Show quote history

By forced adoptions I mean those young women who could not see any way of keeping their babies as they had no support from parents. Adoption was the only option.
This is what happened to my DHs birth mother. She gave birth in a catholic mother and baby home which was one step up from the Irish laundries. She had to stay in with him for 6 weeks, only allowed to feed every four hours regardless of how much he cried in the nursery and then not allowed to cuddle. He had learnt not to cry by the time he went to his adoptive parents and was unbelievably skinny.
It was the most amazing sight to see Mother and son walk into each others arms after 60 years apart.

menopausalfart · 10/08/2025 19:19

I don't know who my bio dad is. It's something I've longed for all my life, just to find the other half of me. I've put a huge family tree together using DNA but still no joy. I hope you can help this person find out the truth. You don't have to have a relationship with them to do that.

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