Just had a message come through on Messenger…

[Jazzicatz]

Just out for the day and checked my phone and I have a message from a stranger basically saying they think we share the same dad! This person is in their 60s, which would mean it was before my parents were together. They want a dna test to see if my father is also father to them. I haven’t replied yet, I am still in shock. What should I do?

That is how my husband feels. He just wants to know about his Dad. He knows he’s dead but would like to know more about him. He now has a fantastic relationship with all his half siblings on his maternal side and it would be wonderful if it was the same on his Dads side but it is not essential. He does not want any money, indeed he would give it back if left anything.

do people not see that the very touching true stories on here are EXACTLY why scammers use similar scenarios?

And because of these arseholes we should be ashamed of our stories and not share them?

Oh wow, thanks for all the messages. Just thought I would add an update as I have found out more information. So, the person in question had previously contacted my mother asking if her husband (my dad) was in fact also their dad. This person had lots of information about what had happened and when, so we think it’s legitimate. My dad was much older than my mum and it all happened way before my parents got together, which again puts a different slant on it. My mum is really upset by it all, but I feel indifferent. I still haven’t contacted back this person, but I now feel more confident it isn’t a scam.

Absolutely not! Of course you should share whatever you wish to share and put the other side of the situation.

So, the person in question had previously contacted my mother asking if her husband (my dad) was in fact also their dad

Your poor DM.

I know. My mum was too upset to tell me when this person first contacted her and just hoped it would go away. She wasn’t expecting them to then try and contact me.

That would suggest its not a scam then. But it's ok not to want to contact the person back.

That's hardly fair! Not everyone is malicious. Both my parents had an unknown parent or both were unknown because of adoption and one wanted to know about their biological family and the other didn't.

It happens all the time and can go either way but so pleased you had a positive experience!
My dad was adopted but via ancestry have been able to find all my Scottish family on his side (great aunts and uncles and cousins) and they reached out to me! They didn't know their sister had had a baby before her first marriage, she died quite young in the early 2000s but were happy to find a new relative.

No absolutely not. But neither should people use their own personal experiences to try to guilt someone into corresponding with someone who may not be genuine, or who they have no desire to know about/have any kind of relationship with.

It is absolutely not cruel to refuse to engage with someone who contacts them via social media out of the blue stating that they’re their sibling.

If you sign up to ancestry then IMO you are open to the possibility that you may be contacted by someone who is an unknown relative, even if you might not be expecting that to be a sibling.

But if you’re not then clearly you’re not showing yourself as open to that, and the person contacting you via social media is the unreasonable one and needs to realise that they’re not entitled to those answers.

I’m not on ancestry and never will be.

I know I don’t have any unknown half siblings out there, although I know that I do have family from my grandad’s side after he buggered off and remarried. But I have absolutely 0 interest in contacting them, and if any of them contacted me via my social media I absolutely wouldn’t engage with them.

The fact that they contacted your DM alone would be enough for me to block them.

Contacting someone’s wife 60 years later to tell them that their now dead husband had a child they never knew about is beyond cruel regardless of the motivation and I would have no part in it.

OP it does sound as if it’s not a scam but don’t be guilted into engaging with them if that’s not what you want.

IMO if they were a decent person they would have contacted you and not your mother, since she wasn’t involved and has no link to them

This could be written by my husbands family. He never knew his dad and his mum refused to tell him anything.
A few years back he took a DNA test and it linked him with a half brother. The brother has not replied to his messages at all.
However, he has tried to contact his father who has not replied. He has found and had contact with his uncle who has confirmed his father received DH note but doesn’t want to know.
it’s very hard to not know where you come from. Please consider responding if you can

I honestly don’t understand the gall of launching yourself into someone’s life like this. Like a grenade, as someone said.

Your poor mum. It sounds like this person hasn’t thought through the potential impact on people they’re contacting; really important when doing genealogical research, and something this person should have been aware of if they’ve been doing it for long enough to find you.

My siblings and I had a significant surprise when we did DNA tests (just out of interest - we hadn’t expected anything!) and I’m now in contact with a recently discovered close relative, but my siblings don’t want to talk - everyone reacts differently. Another close match deleted their account shortly after a family member sent a (far too blunt) message similar to what you and your mum received. I’m not surprised: if someone had contacted me with a bombshell when I had no idea, I’d have been shocked and upset, and would have needed time to come to terms with with it (and investigate myself) before discussing with a stranger!

I really do understand how it feels for people who are desperate to know where they come from, and how incredibly hard it is when somebody who could provide answers doesn’t want to engage. But it can be devastating for people to suddenly discover that a beloved family member had secrets, and it can be too hard for them to get involved. Neither side is being selfish, it’s a tough situation for everybody, and OP shouldn’t feel pressured into immediately providing answers or getting to know this person if she’s not ready, doesn’t want to, or if it would be too distressing for her mum.

@Never2many "I’m not on ancestry and never will be" - you have said that twice now.

You might not have an ancestry account (other genealogy websites are available) but there is absolutely nothing to stop someone else in your family having an account and adding you to their publicly accessible tree, using public information about your birth/marriage.

That doesn’t give some random stranger the right to track me down on social media though.

The point I made in response to the OP’s update was that it’s one thing to message someone on ancestry, because the assumption is that if you’re on there then you’re open to finding relatives. But if someone isn’t on ancestry themselves, then contacting them on social media is wrong, even if some member of the family has added their details to their own ancestry account.

In the OP’s case the apparent half sibling contacted her mother first. A woman who was a completely innocent and oblivious party in all this, and dropped a bombshell that she was fathered by her (the mother’s) husband 60 years ago.

That is good enough reason to block IMO. Just because someone was adopted doesn’t make them a nice person. And this person clearly isn’t one as they don’t give a shit who they trample on to get what they want.

They’d get short shrift from me, and it needs to be made clear that tracking people down on social media isn’t acceptable. It should be like an unwritten code. If you’re on ancestry then expect contact. If you’re not, then you’re probably not interested.

Respect is a two way thing, and as this person clearly has none, I wouldn’t have any compunction in blocking them.

Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to reply, your insight has been so useful. I have decided not to contact them back. I don’t feel at this point in my life that I want to engage with this. I have brothers and one of them is keen to speak with them but I am not keen.

thank you for getting back to us. I would have made the same decision as you.

Caller in their 60’s!! They’ve managed for this long without whatever you may be able to provide them with.
Maybe ‘somewhat’ legitimate… but as your DM is upset I would block the contact.

DH tracked down his birth parents. On his mother’s side ( she died- lovely woman) he has 5 half siblings. He’s met 3 of them. The other two haven’t bothered. The eldest was miffed as she no longer was the eldest child 🙄ffs.
No contact with any of them now save for very sporadic text messages to 1 of them and only in reply to messages sent by dh. He says he won’t bother anymore.
On his father’s side - 3 half siblings- he has contact with one half sibling, texting and meeting up ( they live far away ). Another one has died, but was never interested in meeting and the other sibling has emailed and did want to meet at some point.
DH’s bio father now has dementia but was probably on the Autistic spectrum and was neither interested nor disinterested in meeting.
He had run as fast as he could on discovering dh’s bio mother was pregnant. They hadn’t been long together.

I know I have lots of half siblings out in the world somewhere. If one finds me on social media one day I won’t be responding.

The only thing we will have in common is the same waste of space dna donor. I don’t want more siblings and I don’t want more nieces and nephews I also know bigger all
about my dna donor so cannot share any useful information there either.

The eldest was miffed as she no longer was the eldest child 🙄ffs. that is officially recognised as an issue with regards to the eldest child.

So I think what you mean is, the eldest was upset because she found out that everything she thought she knew about herself and her family was a lie. You’re unreasonable for thinking this is wrong.

Adoptive parents aren’t matched with children who are older than their own for this very reason, because it causes genuine upset within the family dynamic and issues for the child who has been misplaced in the family order.

But surely you've got past that by the time you're all grown up? I can see the sense in taking that into account for little kids

Well, surely you’ve got past being adopted by the time you’re all grown up? No? Didn’t think so.

Why should the adults who are drawn into this against their will and without any prior knowledge be expected to just accept things while those who throw the grenade into their lives need understanding.

Can you really not see how disconcerting it must be to have been the oldest child all your life, and to then find out that there was a whole family who came before you? One you had no idea about?

Why should they get over that? And why should they be expected to? This is their life as well and they have just as much right to their upset.