I've "retired" early and not sure I'm doing it right.

[Suncreamnow]

I used to love work, was very career orientated, always doing extra qualifications, worked longish hours, did a good job, was well respected and progressed to a level I'd never have thought possible when I was young.

Then in my late 40s/early 50s, probably due to a combination of lockdown, menopause and a significant bereavement, I completely lost interest and focus. I still seemed to get away with it, but I was doing the bare minimum (if that), achieving very little in a day and not enjoying any of it.

I changed my job hoping that would help, but I was working more from home, which made it even worse.

So I took early retirement. I've secured some casual work losely related to what I used to do and I am actually enjoying that. It's a few hours here and there and I can get my head down and focus for that when I have deadlines.

The rest of the time, for the first year at least, was supposed to be about getting fit and getting on top of my badly neglected house and garden (again which I used to love, but lost all interest in).

The fitness is going pretty well, but everything else is rubbish. I can easily spend 8 hours a day basically doing nothing.

I don't think I'm depressed, I still look forward to trips away or days out, but I can't apply myself to anything unless I have to. E.g. if I had a paper due today I'd get it done to a good standard, but if it was due in three weeks' time, there's no way I'd get myself organised now - I used to be good at that.

Today I have an appointment this afternoon, so will spend the morning basically waiting to go.

You'd think the bereavement would have tought me life is short and to make the most of every minute, but what it seems to have done is teach me that most of what I used to care about really doesn't matter.

What's the solution to stop me wasting my life?

Nothing wrong with slowing down. How long ago did you retire?

Maybe your body and mind are still recuperating from your hard work in your career and need this time to adjust.

Are you content? Surely that's the issue?

Time is the big one. You’re still recovering from a lot of setbacks and work tasks are overwhelming for you. It’s ok to slow down, especially as you can afford it. Focus on doing more of those days out you enjoy or the things you look forward to.

You are describing my worst perimenopause symptom- lack of interest and motivation. I had a lot of other symptoms too so I went on HRT.

HRT hasade it better but not completely. I take Lions Mane as well and I think it really helps. But without HRT I think I'd be the old lady sitting in a corner that I remember from my childhood.

You seem to be a deadlines oriented person, so maybe try setting yourself deadlines? Eg the neglected garden - make a plan for the next few weeks with tasks and dates and try to stick to it.

Is there something you'd like to try, to have a sense of structure in your week? For example volunteer in something you love? Or a personal challenge such as reading xx books in the year?

Op I think you need to move away from this societal-driven rhetoric that we must all be doing something productive at all hours. If you are feeling demotivated and underproductive perhaps your body and mind are asking you to slow down and spend time healing. Often that takes the form of spending time thinking and working things out. Too often we shy away from taking time out to think and to allow ourselves to heal so we immerse ourselves into project after project, burying our head into whatever distraction stops us from actually figuring ourselves out and recovering. Give it some time, allow yourself to go with the flow.

Get checked for things like low iron. I did and am now feeling massively better and more motivated.

Consider whether you need a bit of a project such as your garden or adding in a few more things that give you structure in addition to your exercise, so a volunteer afternoon or a group meet up or U3A.

I think it’s really common. I saw similar on my mum. Once the novelty wore off she sort of drifted for a while. Then got a volunteer job and joined loads of clubs and established a new routine.

Also, it’s a proven phenomenon that you take as long as you’ve got to achieve something. So don’t beat yourself up about not galvanising yourself to do something due in three weeks - it’s human.

Hey lovely, I could have written this (except I'm not retired). I thought it was menopause, but it turned out I have ADHD. I'd successfully masked most of my life, being super organised at work and home, but as my hormones charged during menopause, my previous strategies didn't work anymore. Leading to burnout. I 100% feel that struggle with task initiation you described, and I get the executive dysfunction (performing under pressure/deadlines). It really sucks and has made me question my whole personality!
My house is a mess, hobbies don't fire me up, and I just CBA'd with so many things.
I'm very lucky that I have weekly ADHD therapy through private medical insurance, which is helping me to get my head round things. Especially shifting my thoughts from "What the hell is wrong with me" to "I can't believe I coped for so long like this".

This is me except I'm still stuck in the mid-40s coasting at work phase while the house and garden descend into chaos around me.

If you Google inattentive ADHD and some of the tips and strategies for it, that might help you. I'm not saying you have ADHD but the only being motivated by deadlines and going into "waiting mode" ahead of an appointment sound very similar so the same tips and tools might help.

I am brilliant at plans and lists, and lived by them for decades, but now, "false" self imposed deadlines don't work.

Career and work took over fitness, health and home and garden. It's a much needed reset. Work mattered but it's not enough for you now. Losing someone close shakes up your world and you're finding new purpose and meaning. But you haven't found it yet. Keep focusing on being fit and healthy. Invest time and money in doing things that feel good for your body and soul and mind. Menopause - have you bought about the impact of that - it can be quite debilitating on its own. But there are options for medication like HRT. And maybe some Bereavement therapy. Do you feel as if you put your energy into work but it wasn't rewarding enough. That you could've spent one doing other things ? It's not about wasting time now more the sense that you have maybe wasted your previous life? Life is precious but that doesn't mean every minute has to be meaningful. Rest is so crucial but we don't as women do it or prioritise it so maybe you also feel a bit without purpose. All questions to explore as you walk or do yoga. Time for reflection then maybe oving one step towards a more restful life.

I am on HRT. It fixed my sleep overnight and I think has helped with anxiety, but after 18 months I can't say its helped my focus or motivation.

I’ve tried to manage a similar experience by deciding in the evening what the one thing is that I will achieve the next day regarding house/life admin. I then prioritise doing that in the morning so that it isn’t hanging over me all day. I feel a sense of achievement when I’ve done it and sometimes that propels me to do some additional similar tasks on the same day. Not saying it works perfectly or that I don’t still spend a lot of time doom scrolling, but it has helped and the longer I do it the less overwhelming the mental list of jobs seems to be, so it feels easier to tackle rather than being paralysed by the sheer volume of things.

@Suncreamnow it might not work for you BUT having always worked in education settings for 40 ish years I found that I work best sticking to a sort of ‘timetable’. I have a routine of get up early, tea, quick shower and up and out for an hour walk/run at the same time every day. This means I tend to see the same faces and gradually picked up some fellow early morning walking pals. Back for coffee and breakfast. I am quite strict that each hour is reasonably productive. I find it helps with structure. I have lots of interests which helps but I do allow myself days of faffing as I have some stressful aspects of life with my elderly parents situation. Would this help you? I kind of joke as in ‘oh it’s nearly 10am so ‘the bell is going for next lesson’. Works for me a treat.

I do that, and I agree I feel good when I achieve it, but quite often the "one thing" is still left undone or I find an excuse. E.g. today I was going to get up and clean the back downstairs windows (ie bite sized not whole house) but I've persuaded myself it's too hot.

I agree, I'm definitely at my best when I have a routine like that and it was how I managed myself all the time when I was "busy" but I don't seem yo be able to make myself do it now.

How long ago were you bereaved OP? Some of the advice here is great - try not to see downtime as wasting time as your mind and body will need time to recover.
I'm 8 years on from death of spouse and still have days where I achieve very little. But I have signed up for some adult education courses and one or two regular hobbies that punctuate the week. These really help with motivation (and energy interestingly). I also do some volunteering once a week.
I think if you make yourself do a few things (that involve some level of obligation to others so it's harder to dip out), your engagement and interest in the world around you might begin to build.
It sounds to me that you're still dealing with the aftershocks of bereavement. For a while things can seem meaningless and trivial. It's not necessarily depression, although it can feel like that.

Being so focused and driven to meet deadlines can be exhilarating but as a life-long strategy isn’t good for us. I recognised many of the points you made in your first post and smiled, however I see them as the advantages of retirement in which I have a slower and less pressured pace of life.
Nowadays meeting deadlines and attending appointments flusters me a bit!
A daily swim with a friend gave me structure, made it difficult for each of us to let the other one down, basically ensured we stayed fit. The rest of the day was mine to do as I pleased so I took up another hobby. Three other people made contact and joined me.
For me the social interdependence of hobbies and interests makes for a greater sense of fulfilment.

@Suncreamnow it doesn’t always run perfectly but the days it does I feel so much better. I also realise that some ‘jobs’ literally take 10 minutes so when that ‘hour lesson’ was dedicated to said job/chore and I have completed it sooner than the allocated time I do allow myself to have a doss about!!

DH died 4 years ago, but TBH some of these symptoms were starting to show even before he got ill.

This could be me, except I am still working part time. On non working days I often wake up and wonder what I am going to do with the day.
I often plan to do things the next day but when it comes to it, I’ll be feeling too knackered or in a cba mood. Or I’ll plan something, like washing some of the windows, but end up clearing out a cupboard or something totally different.
I live alone and don’t have any close friends so social events tend to be a once a week walk and a coffee type things. I think that the lack of being accountable to or having someone else’s input is a big factor. Nobody cares if I do some hoovering or spend all day in bed reading.
The inattentive adhd looks interesting.

I do have some commitments. I'll book gym classes and turn up for them. I train pretty hard for my sport and I coach at my club. I have a fairly busy social life and never let anyone down. It's the stuff no one else cares about I can't get done, and the time I haven't promised to others that I waste.

What dose are you on? I saw no improvement until.I was on the maximum dose and added testosterone ( you have to say you want testosterone for libido)

It's still not perfect. I've tried everything suggested so far and none of it has worked for me. When I semi retired we bought a house with a big garden. I used to grow all my own fruit and vegetables in an allotment so was thrilled to have the time and space to do it at home. The garden is full of weeds, I just can't be arsed...

I could have written this post, but I'm probably coming at it from a slightly different perspective.

I loved not having to do anything much anymore, I was and still am - happy to drift along. I spent far too long trying to do 25 hour days that now, not HAVING to do anything that can wait is great. The house will be fine, I keep it clean but I don't worry about it if I don't feel like doing things that are on the list. I have all the time in the world! That's the problem I think - when I was working I got everything done in jig time, because I had to fit it in. Now manana is my buzz word!

Covid fkd many of us up, and the remnants for me are still there. Lazy, procrastinating, maybe, but I call it freedom!

On a whim last year I gutted the house to get everything done for future proofing before I needed it. I moved out for three months and enjoyed myself immensely leaving it all to the builders. Got the Molly Maids (!) in to do a big clean when the works were finished, and I've hardly thought about anything much since, apart from just doing the bare minimum.

I live alone and can get away with it though lol. I have a reasonable social life, but I prefer my own company most of the time.

Be lazy, be disorganised, be whatever you want. Who cares, it's your life.