I've "retired" early and not sure I'm doing it right.

[Suncreamnow]

I used to love work, was very career orientated, always doing extra qualifications, worked longish hours, did a good job, was well respected and progressed to a level I'd never have thought possible when I was young.

Then in my late 40s/early 50s, probably due to a combination of lockdown, menopause and a significant bereavement, I completely lost interest and focus. I still seemed to get away with it, but I was doing the bare minimum (if that), achieving very little in a day and not enjoying any of it.

I changed my job hoping that would help, but I was working more from home, which made it even worse.

So I took early retirement. I've secured some casual work losely related to what I used to do and I am actually enjoying that. It's a few hours here and there and I can get my head down and focus for that when I have deadlines.

The rest of the time, for the first year at least, was supposed to be about getting fit and getting on top of my badly neglected house and garden (again which I used to love, but lost all interest in).

The fitness is going pretty well, but everything else is rubbish. I can easily spend 8 hours a day basically doing nothing.

I don't think I'm depressed, I still look forward to trips away or days out, but I can't apply myself to anything unless I have to. E.g. if I had a paper due today I'd get it done to a good standard, but if it was due in three weeks' time, there's no way I'd get myself organised now - I used to be good at that.

Today I have an appointment this afternoon, so will spend the morning basically waiting to go.

You'd think the bereavement would have tought me life is short and to make the most of every minute, but what it seems to have done is teach me that most of what I used to care about really doesn't matter.

What's the solution to stop me wasting my life?

I did get someone in to clear it and make it manageable, which has made it slightly less miserable, somehow I'm still not managing it.

I’d give yourself very small goals to start with. When my DMIL retired she had a good way of making sure she had productive days without them being over-scheduled; each day she would make sure she did 1) some exercise (might just have been a walk around the block some days) 2) something house-related (might be pull up some weeds in one flower bed or might be deep clean a whole bedroom depending on how she was feeling) and 3) something people-focussed, which might just be phone someone who needs a chat or might be meet someone for coffee/visit someone housebound.
She found that by doing a little and often she got lots done but none of it felt onerous.

Another possibility is to make a list of all you want to get done, break it down into smaller tasks and tick them off as you do them. I swear by the Organised Mum app which helps you keep on top of your housework. There’s a plan to follow or you can just do your own thing. There are loads of guided cleans on there according to what you feel up to. Some of them are broken down into short chunks, so for example there’s a ‘before and after work’ clean for most rooms in the house, both parts about 15 mins long or you can do a room split into 3 lots of ten mins or a half hour clean. There’s also declutterring sessions where she talks you through tackling one room. I find that if you do something every day you soon feel on top of things. I’m menopausal too and it keeps me from descending into chaos!

To me it sounds like your priorities have changed (or are still shifting).

What matters to you? Perhaps once you figure out what you value, you might find a meaningful activity to occupy your time.

The other option is to do it in reverse - start trying random new activities. Go try skiing or volunteer doing something completely new. Just go and do something once, see how it makes you feel during and after. Don't commit to anything rn, just commit to going once.

If you keep moving, I think you'll find your way.

I like that. And I probably do do it most days. I just don't feel I'm doing "enough" of it.

You sound like you have adhd, if you don’t have defined lists / goals / deadlines you just float around with no motivation.

you need to set yourself daily / weekly tasks.

i am at my best when im very busy and under pressure, things slip up when im not busy.

I also meant to say that by doing guided cleans you don’t have to think about what needs doing you just follow what she tells you to do so it’s less stressful than going into a room and knowing you have to do something but don’t know where to start.

I can really relate to what you’re saying.
What are your connections with other people like ?

I'd study (in-person) if you can afford it. Gives you a routine but it's to enrich you and gives to you rather than taking.

@Suncreamnow You say you never let down people who you commit your time to, so how about if someone committed their time to you to help you get to grips with the garden? Do you have any keen gardening friends whose help you could enlist to get you started and far enough into the project that it becomes self-motivating for you to finish it?

Possibly adult ADHD ?
Stress/trauma might have triggered something aswell like a seizure which can change personality if you have a family history of epilepsy ect.

Also could you have had a stroke or something which went undetected (especially if a smoker or having been around fags when younger)

(Just thinking of the physical possibilitys)

Umm. Interesting question. I have friends, but not close emotional bonds. E.g. if I want to go to a concert I have people I could call, whod be gakd to come and we'd have a good time, but not really anyone I'd have a good heart to heart with.

I'm also very happy to go alone...and sometimes prefer that.

Emotionally I'm definitely an introvert. I like people and can be sociable when I work at it, but I need a rest from them to recover.

It sounds like you have a fulfilled and socially connected life outside the home @Suncreamnow I think what is needed now is maybe a complete rethink on your living arrangements? I had a big house and garden which I once loved and spent a lot of time on. Eventually like yourself the house and garden maintenance just became too onerous for me. I totally lost interest. My DH didn’t believe it when I said ‘you know what I am resigning from the role of housekeeper and head gardener’. I did it though and we employed a cleaner and a proper gardener (not the handyman type) in the short term. We then eventually sold our house and downsized to a smaller much more manageable property. Why as we get older with limited time left on this earth should we have to worry about ‘jobs’ around a house and garden?

I completely get that - and this is why I find the app so helpful. I used to try to do a whole house clean every time I had a cleaning session, and my house still felt out of control. If you follow the Organised Mum method you do one room a day (not weekends) which takes half an hour and a few daily jobs like something laundry related, quick clean of sink and loo and a sweep of the main traffic areas which takes 15 mins. Then you’re done. On Fridays one room has a deeper clean to do the tucked away jobs that usually get left (again just half an hour) and you do those on an 8 week rotation. In no time at all you feel on top of everything and I also feel less ‘itchy’ about a less than perfect room because I know I’ll be back in there very soon. Your house also just feels generally cleaner all the time. I haven’t looked back since I started it. I also enjoy my leisure time more because I know I’ve done what I need to have done in the house and then I’m getting in with my life. It’s a bit of a mindset change but I’m never going back to being a slave to weekly whole house cleans again!
I’ve taken early retirement from teaching. I volunteer three days a week which gives me a bit of structure but I want to enjoy my retirement too without feeling I need to be constantly cleaning and tidying. It’s now a very small part of my day but I actually feel more on top of things than I did before. I hope you find something that works for you too. 😊

I completely identify with all you are saying, I’m almost 50 and feeling the same despite HRT, etc. Thank you for putting it into words and sharing in this forum.

I’m about to take a short career break before my next role, and my biggest fear is that I will fritter away those precious few months of breathing space by talking myself out of everything I hope to do, and then regret it when it’s time to go back to work.

It sounds like to me you're still highly motivated. Compared to me, you're a dynamo of energy. I guess we all just have different expectations of ourselves.

I can't commit even to a daily exercise schedule.

I think grief can make you less focused. Even though it's been some time, you're deeper purpose may be in question.

Perhaps when you were doing the garden or the house for the two of you, it felt like there was some kind of standard you had to keep up because it was for your comfort and enjoyment and it felt easy to do because it was just what you'd always done.

Now it's just you, perhaps it paints the picture of your DH who died and part of you died with him and the house and work that goes into is just a physical manifestation of that.

You are still grieving and that's OK.

I'm sorry it's hard to adjust and feel motivated for these things. I'd ask what makes you feel alive?

If you were to have any kind of life or garden or home, what would it look like and what would you have in terms of maintenance.

Perhaps grief has taught you, that having a perfect garden and home don't really matter? That time spent doing things you enjoy, are more important?

I'm not sure.

I hope you find peace. I'm not sure you have ADHD as you were very motivated and were a completer-finisher by the sounds of things, all the way through you life until more recently.

I'm definitely not one of those and haven't been for my whole life, although late onset ADHD is a possibility for you, it's true.

But it sounds like you are motivated for some areas of your life, just not others.

For getting ontop of things, I'd suggest getting in some support on a regular basis. A cleaner every two weeks and a gardener the same.

If seeing these things is bothering you, it's OK to pay for some help for a period of time to get ontop of them. You don't have to carry this whole load by yourself. You're allowed to surrender some of these tasks if you wish you.

Life doesn't have to be a grind. You can focus on the things you love. Why not do that?

I feel similar although I still have a PT job. I have signed up to do photography classes, art classes - creative things that get me out of a mental slump and make me interested in the world again. I also have two greyhounds that are sticklers for routine so keep me in motion. I do have a DP still around but did have a significant bereavement (life long best friend) a few years ago far too young from cancer and I do think that changed my outlook on life and I have felt compelled to make the most of it/felt like what's the point interchangeably since. It does rewire your brain.

I’m exactly the same. No real advice. I have a lot of free days at the moment due to people being away on holiday but if I have an appointment at lunchtime I think there’s no point starting anything in the morning. When I worked I would have put in about 4 hours focused effort on something by midday as well as a commute!

@Suncreamnow this will sound mad but because I'm waiting for two new hips I hired a cleaner last week. She deep cleaned the kitchen but said to ADHD husband she hadn't had time to clean the oven, air fryer. Because she was due again today, yesterday he cleaned the oven and the air fryer. He also cleaned the bathroom ceiling because she was deep cleaning this today.

My advice hire a gardener who will give you tasks to do between visits. The day before you'll be breaking your back in the garden.

You're a deadline personality. Get someone to set deadlines in your garden.

Hi @Suncreamnow and @Wolfpinkola I can relate to the working at socialising but then needing to rest. Its OK to be like that but wondering how you feel about that OP. Sometimes we can feel under pressure to be a certain way rather than being true to ourselves which can then add pressure. There are a lot of good ideas on here though and I know for me, study helps (once I eventually get going) and working in a gardening group as well as its more motivating for me to have people around. Hope some of the ideas on here can help OP.

I'm not sure you have ADHD as you were very motivated and were a completer-finisher by the sounds of things, all the way through you life until more recently.

Yes definitely. In the job where I first noticed the change (and where I was when DH died) I was known as a finisher. I was part of an SLT who all had great ideas, but didn't always follow them through. I was the person who made their ideas happen, and I loved it, until I didn't.

I was in marketing, fundraising and loved it until I didn't.

I am in a similar boat OP.Having been ill with Cancer and Chemo .I now take life very slowly indeed!Get up early as normal ,go shopping /take doggy out have a coffee .whatever the day requires .In the afternoon have a nap and chill with TV/ internet whatever .Pointless at 5.15 pm each day without fail! After many years with DC.elderly mum and DH to cook for (he cycled to work ,so did a major share of H/W) plus PT job as a Nursery Teacher and a very hectic doggy I feel Ive earned it .We all slow down OP ,not many of us running marathons! I had an old friend who used to say "Im doing nothing at all ,and Im not starting that until after lunch!" when she retired!

I'm like this at home and I've linked it to PTSD from when my DH had terminal cancer (died 6 years ago). PTSD can cause procrastination as a response to a variety of things such as anxiety, perfectionism or even boredom. Might this be something you could explore?

@Suncreamnow have you considered paying privately for therapy? I did that and it really helped. I had also tried NHS therapy but it was no help at all. It was much better seeing someone privately, because I could just go for a chat 3 or 4 times a year and have time to think it through in between. It costs about £100 an hour to see a clinical psychologist and it does really help.

I don’t think it’s menopause or adhd or something a dog or cleaner might fix. It’s just that not working is demotivational and it’s very easy to get into the habit of not do things if you don’t have to and end up doing nothing. The upshot is that even leisure stuff gets boring.

You’re enjoying your casual work do you need to do more of it. Or take on some voluntary work. Or take on a new training/ education in new subjects.

I wouldn’t underestimate the impact of losing DH on your mindset. But from experience the key thing is to keep invested, and investing in things and don’t let the ennui take over.