I've "retired" early and not sure I'm doing it right.

[Suncreamnow]

I used to love work, was very career orientated, always doing extra qualifications, worked longish hours, did a good job, was well respected and progressed to a level I'd never have thought possible when I was young.

Then in my late 40s/early 50s, probably due to a combination of lockdown, menopause and a significant bereavement, I completely lost interest and focus. I still seemed to get away with it, but I was doing the bare minimum (if that), achieving very little in a day and not enjoying any of it.

I changed my job hoping that would help, but I was working more from home, which made it even worse.

So I took early retirement. I've secured some casual work losely related to what I used to do and I am actually enjoying that. It's a few hours here and there and I can get my head down and focus for that when I have deadlines.

The rest of the time, for the first year at least, was supposed to be about getting fit and getting on top of my badly neglected house and garden (again which I used to love, but lost all interest in).

The fitness is going pretty well, but everything else is rubbish. I can easily spend 8 hours a day basically doing nothing.

I don't think I'm depressed, I still look forward to trips away or days out, but I can't apply myself to anything unless I have to. E.g. if I had a paper due today I'd get it done to a good standard, but if it was due in three weeks' time, there's no way I'd get myself organised now - I used to be good at that.

Today I have an appointment this afternoon, so will spend the morning basically waiting to go.

You'd think the bereavement would have tought me life is short and to make the most of every minute, but what it seems to have done is teach me that most of what I used to care about really doesn't matter.

What's the solution to stop me wasting my life?

Hi OP, I went through something very similar - perimenopause, long covid and bereavement. I'm a few years with long covid and in my second year of bereavement and have many days of feeling flat and unmotivated and just not doing much. I do work PT at home which helps a bit. My Dr thinks I'm highly likely to have ADHD and having an ND family this is probably another issue for me. I'm not saying you have this but it can become more apparent during menopause particularly if we've masked for a long time. What I find is the things I'm interested in, I can do more easily than boring household stuff so the house is often in a mess. With the help of a therapist, I've learnt to accept that that's the way I am but I still get frustrated at times. I also think, after many years of working and caring for others and being ill myself, that perhaps my body/brain is telling me to rest as well. Not sure if I've offered much helpful advice here but just to say you're not alone feeling like this.

Cleaning windows is hardly inspiring no wonder you didn’t want to do it! You’ll probably get round to it when there’s a reason to. Set yourself more enjoyable tasks!

@Suncreamnow I find a lot of what you say very relatable

For me, it was lockdown, elder care, then I had a nervous breakdown. I'm probably back at about 90% which is good, I know some people never recover from that kind of thing- but I feel really unhappy about the remaining 10%.

I increasingly think that it's to do with the fact that nobody else cares about my daily life and nobody else is around to help with anything. I don't really know what I can do about it. It's why I waste so much time on here.

People always throw out peri menopause or ADHD, but that is not what it is.

I sympathise. I'm still working, but I don't really get anything done in advance anymore.

@Suncreamnow
What's the solution to stop me wasting my life?

Behind this question is your assumption that life has a purpose and that it is in fact possible to 'waste' a life.

You need to spend many, many months, likely years, "doing nothing".
Literally - allow yourself to spend guilt-free time staring out the window, or going for pointless walks somewhere green and pleasant.
For someone who was full-on and lived by lists and plans, this will be very strange, even terrifying, and you will find it hard to allow yourself.

But this time spent in deep thought, daydreaming, contemplation, re-adjusting, imagining, exploring your inner self, is the only way you will let go of the 'old' you that had other purposes and find a new you with new purposes and new reasons to 'do things'.

I honestly just think it's no good for anyone to switch into a life of pottering so young.

I've seen it with neighbours. Bright, active, productive people in their late 50s/early 60s take early retirement and then go downhill, spending most of their time pottering and tinkering.

I'd look for a 3-day a week job, and then put some structure in place for your days off (get up to an alarm and hit the gym, or walk 10k steps every day after lunch, or whatever. Walk into town and back for a coffee. Join a couple of social groups etc).

Maybe not, but I was "pottering" at work.

Yeah, and getting paid for it!

Have you talked to your GP about Testosterone? That may be helpful.

I would also say, you probably need to look at creating a routine, so bit like work, but you need to have certain things to work towards. I know when I was made redundant, suddenly weekends were no longer special, so look at classes, regular volunteering, meeting with friends, create a framework and fill it.

I am naturally somebody who loves downtime. I am late 40s and work FT but over 3 long days so have plenty of time off. On those days off I can literally lie of the sofa all day and I absolutely love it. My DC have left home and I do not live with DP so it is very quiet, I feel it refreshes me. I feel guilty all the time that I should be doing something but the reality is I love doing nothing, nowhere to go, nobody to talk to and nobody to answer to.

I'd look for a 3-day a week job, and then put some structure in place for your days off (get up to an alarm and hit the gym, or walk 10k steps every day after lunch, or whatever. Walk into town and back for a coffee. Join a couple of social groups etc). This sounds awful to me, after my 3 days I am absolutely knackered and the last thing I need is more structure. Why are we so hell bent on filling time with stuff??

I recognise quitr a lot of what you are talking about OP, although my situation is a bit different. Someone bought me a glass timer (the sort with sand in), a 15 minute timer, which was marketed as a way of helping with motivation (that’s what it says on the box!). I don’t use it often, but when I do, it can sometimes really help as there is a visual focus / limit on how long you need to do something for - and it is amazing how much you can do in 15 minutes when you are steaming through it (because you know you only have to do it for 15 minutes!). The other thing I do is keeping a long ‘to do’ list in the notes function of my phone, so that I can tick off things that I do. Seeing the ticks, and being able to see the list of the productive things I have done that day, sometimes helps me to feel like I am achieving something.

i would also add - get your B12 levels checked… around menopause B12 deficiencies / functional B12 deficiencies seem to become an increasing problem…
good luck!

Retirement, menopause and bereavement are all things that bring huge changes and challenge the sense of who we are. All three at once is quite an assault on identity! For a while in a similar boat I was casting about looking for something to make life meaningful. I'm not sure I've found it (it's certainly not one big thing which is what I was looking for initially - some kind of role by which I could define myself) but I have found a level of contentment doing lots of bits that joined together bring a sense of purpose.
You are doing all the things that make sense in your situation, so it must be very disheartening to feel this way. I guess we all grapple with the big questions about what life is for and who we are at some point. My own take is that I don't need to have a larger sense of purpose but just do stuff that I enjoy, spend time with people I like, and ditch the feelings of 'should' and 'ought'. And finding joy in small things I suppose. It all sounds a bit zen and maybe a bit wishy-washy written down like this, but I have arrived at a good place in this way.

I'm perfectly capable of/happy doing nothing for a certain amount of time

But lack of drive becomes a problem. And it sounds like @Suncreamnow has that problem because she's unhappy with the status quo

I wouldn't get up to an alarm if I didn't have to work either. I consider not getting up to an alarm to be one of the bonuses of working part time.

there's a big difference between having a massively overstructured and overfilled day and just not feeling any impetus to do things.

It's sounds like symptoms of my ADhD. Which may in fact be ADD. I find actually doing things in a useful way very difficult. I want to do it but it feels like there's something stopping me.

I am not sure what to do about it myself tbh. I don't really want to take meds for it.

So you have described my life!

Even with a structure of going to the gym etc on non working days which include Saturday and Sunday, life is full of dead time.

Yes, if you are married with small kids and busy full time work then a day going to the gym and walking to town for a coffee on your own would be a treat. If you spend most of your time alone already and all you have to come home to is a cat, who is really not interested in what the couple at the next table were arguing about, or that you saw some nice jumpers but don't know which one to get, then it kind of loses its appeal.

Agree that (whilst not armchair-diagnosing you with ADHD), some of the techniques might be helpful for you.

you’ve mentioned that self-imposed/false deadlines don’t work for you, so try creating some external deadlines, eg you really want to clean up/declutter the dining room, so, invite a friend round for dinner in 2 days time - boom! Now you NEED to tidy up!

lounge needs vacuuming? Invite a friend and their dog - either you’ll vacuum or the dog will!

you might find that your “productive energy” shows up at different time of the day - you’re not locked into being procductive between 9-5pm. If you suddenly have the motivation to clean your windows at 11pm, unless it’s going to disrupt someone else, then clean your windows at 11pm (then check for streaks in the morning!)

Hope you find something that works for you

i have a male friend like this - he was fed up of his job which originally was on something he was very motivated in - so since48 he’s been wishing his life away to be able to give up work - he’s now 61 and still feels same but can’t afford yet to stop - problem is when you ask him what he wants to stop to do - he has no real ideas or plans at all , no big hobbies, not sporty ( he’s 18 stone) - I can see why 55 year olds with plenty of money, lots of friends and loads of interests/hobbies might be keen to stop work but for lots of others i think the idea is better than the reality and work gave them a structure and colleagues and gossip etc that real life isn’t giving them - I would look at some voluntary a couple of afternoons a week in something that interests you or is fulfilling to add variety and maybe give you some new people in your life.

I also love tonnes of down time, but like some structure on my 3 days off a week.

I'll do a gym workout for an hour in the morning, then spend several hours doing nothing, watching TV and eating lunch. Then I'll go for a hike, or walk into town and back to run some errands or whatever, then spend many more hours doing nothing, watching TV and eating dinner.

To do nothing whatsoever with your time off sounds to me like a waste of a life, and I'd find one day blurring into the next, but you do you.

I am a volunteer coach with my sports club and full involved with all aspects of the club and the sport. I'm not doing "nothing", but I still have a lot of time doing nothing.

How long have you been retired?

I think it takes quite a while to properly settle in to it, find new routines, drive and pace. And satisfaction.

I am one of those annoying people who, 2 years in, wonders how they had time to work. Of course, I know that's not actually true, but I don't rush, I enjoy lazy times, appreciating that I do have time to potter and do whatever I want.

I, too, exercise more than I ever did. I meet family / friends during the day once or twice a week as everyone knows I am available during the week! Took up a new hobby. House and garden and admin are all more organised than before. We eat better and waste less food with good planning & eating seasonally. A lot of travel and planning for travel. It has taken a couple of years to really settle.

I agree with the poster who said cleaning the window is so boring and unnecessary, no wonder you feel dejected. I tend to set a morning aside to do all my cleaning for the week and I don’t think about it again (unless something is desperately dirty).

When I retire my list for the day is mainly going to consist of things I enjoy doing - reading, pottering in the garden, finishing off a craft thing, going for a walk etc etc.

You need to indulge yourself more.

I think that there are different types jobs you could do now. If its ADHD there is a concept of body-double - you couldnt potter at work in many roles. I have had a similar experience to you but burnt out at work this time last year - but it had been brewing for years. I have since been diagnosed with hypothyroid - symptoms are loss of motivation, memory, depression and metabolism ... these symptoms overlaps with menopause and ADHD - so who knows whats going on. Meds totally reveresed the memory issues.

I have decided to address my ADHD with medication later this year. I have also decided to get 2 or 3 different part time jobs to give me structure and novelty in the week - I dont want to get involved in workplace politics etc just flit in and out. I then plan to restructure my finances to include a cleaner because this causes me so much frustration, shame and pain. My mother was a cleaner (also OCD cleaning at home) and there is deep shame at not being able to keep on top of my home - so I am going to forgo whatever to accomodate this cost.

I am also going to sell up and buy a flat - my huge garden is a disgrace, a mental and physical burden - even a money pit if I was organised enough to get a gardener. Same with the house. They have served their purpose. I had an intense high flying international career, raised 4 fab DCs, funded them through privated education onto become independent and emotionally resiliant adults. I have dealt with significant bereavments and I am 'done' - its all about the downsize for me now. I am exhausted and need to revive and focus on my own health and fulfillment going forward.

Get a cleaner.
My mum was the same, super organised and busy. Now she can spend a week planning to do some boring shit but not doing it. If you only have half an hour to clean your windows you’ll clean them. If you have all week of course you won’t. It’s boring but now it’s taking up headspace. Get a cleaner/gardener to do the boring shit and release your mind and enjoy your retirement. Mum has and loves it.

Think about adding a smidge of testosterone to your HRT. It often adds the focus and zip to life and women are meant to have a little of it

I have been retired for 3 years, My last job in Social Care was very full on and I gave it my all. I felt very lost to begin with but I am convinced it takes a long time to settle into this new way of life. Slowly I have added things to my life that I really enjoy. U3A is very good, lots B on offer but most groups meet once a month do it doesn’t take up much time, I joined a great book club that meets in a local pub. I also do sustainable floristry. I go to the gym most days and also have a creative activity that I have resumed after many years. To begin with all this felt a bit of a time filling exercise but you make new friends, hear about other stuff going on like local walking festivals etc. It would be great to have a perfect house and garden but after an initial flurry of decorating and gardening we tend to do the bare minimum and go out instead! I feel really it is a bit like being a teenager again, discovering new things and being self indulgent. The whole mindset of having to get things done is far too work related for me the housework can wait if it is a nice day and I fancy a day at a gallery or a trip to the beach with the dogs. I always have a book or a creative project on the go I can pick up for a short time if I have an appointment later.
You can lie in, do whatever you like it really doesn’t matter.
As I say it has taken me 3 years to move from a people pleading dedicated employee to an almost hedonistic free spirit. I did have some counselling last year, mainly around an unrelated issue but it did put the rest of life into perspective. Throw away that To Do list, you really don’t need it.

For some of us menopause and/or ADHD is also part of the picture. It may not be for OP but it can be for other people.