I've "retired" early and not sure I'm doing it right.

[Suncreamnow]

I used to love work, was very career orientated, always doing extra qualifications, worked longish hours, did a good job, was well respected and progressed to a level I'd never have thought possible when I was young.

Then in my late 40s/early 50s, probably due to a combination of lockdown, menopause and a significant bereavement, I completely lost interest and focus. I still seemed to get away with it, but I was doing the bare minimum (if that), achieving very little in a day and not enjoying any of it.

I changed my job hoping that would help, but I was working more from home, which made it even worse.

So I took early retirement. I've secured some casual work losely related to what I used to do and I am actually enjoying that. It's a few hours here and there and I can get my head down and focus for that when I have deadlines.

The rest of the time, for the first year at least, was supposed to be about getting fit and getting on top of my badly neglected house and garden (again which I used to love, but lost all interest in).

The fitness is going pretty well, but everything else is rubbish. I can easily spend 8 hours a day basically doing nothing.

I don't think I'm depressed, I still look forward to trips away or days out, but I can't apply myself to anything unless I have to. E.g. if I had a paper due today I'd get it done to a good standard, but if it was due in three weeks' time, there's no way I'd get myself organised now - I used to be good at that.

Today I have an appointment this afternoon, so will spend the morning basically waiting to go.

You'd think the bereavement would have tought me life is short and to make the most of every minute, but what it seems to have done is teach me that most of what I used to care about really doesn't matter.

What's the solution to stop me wasting my life?

It's the stuff no one else cares about I can't get done,
Potentially, you don't really care about it that much either

This is undoubtedly true, but it does get me down that the house and garden is going to ruin and I know I'd feel better (and a sense of accomplishment) if it was done, I just can't motivate myself to do it.

4 pumps is the highest dose. Testosterone helped a lot in terms of motivation for me. It's only prescribed for lack of libido so you have to lie basically!

Why does your gp want to reduce your dose? There is no need to reduce your dose if its helping your symptoms. A lot of gp's are not educated on the current thinking on HRT. There is an excellent Facebook group The Menopause Support Network.

Uour posts are what I would have written before I increased my dose and added testosterone. It's worth a try.

Because house and garden isn’t enough

if you want something done ask a busy person

yiu will find it easier to make a list and do those jobs when you have some joy in your life

so focus on finding your joy , your passions

I do have passions, I've really thrown myself into my sport and fitness and I've been doing quite a bit of travelling.

The garden was once a passion. I used to keep myself awake at night planning the next project.

I retired and then went back to work part time as I found that I spent many hours doing nothing. I find that I need the structure that work provides. A friend who retired at a similar age coped much better but did volunteer on a regular basis and worked on her garden with a friend who come round once a week to weed and afterwards have lunch.

You are recovering. Your body, soul, and mind are processing, recuperating and generally giving you the message, let us rest. Why is there this obsession to get fit, be a member of clubs, look after the grandkids in retirement? Do as you would wish. Remember you have buckets, one emotional, one physical, and one spiritual. Why not do a little bit of each each day and fill your buckets slowly? You will find out what interests you and follow those vibes. It is important to have a menu each day but it does not have to filled to the top. Listen to your heart, your soul, and your body. They will guide you in the right direction and it is not a race. It is a new stage of your life. It has taken me six years to get over a significant bereavement and I still get days. Be gentle on yourself but keep yourself amused.

This might seem an oddball suggestion, but does actually work really well in terms of discovering how to live in a way that makes you happy.

www.amazon.co.uk/Artists-Way-Discovering-Recovering-Creative/dp/0330343580

It sounds like you are burned out

I think I could have written your summary OP about my own retirement. Very similar circumstances. I think it was in my case due to menopause, and a degree of burn out. My last year working was absolutely frantic and highly stressful due to covid.
I am over 4 years retired and it has taken a lot of adjustment. I struggled to get motivated but have found that setting myself a few small jobs each day, particularly around the house and garden, has been helpful for getting things done. I have also learned to enjoy dipping in and out of activities. I do regular voluntary work that gets me out and about and take more interest in simple pleasures.
I hope it works out well for you.

You sound burnt out to me, I’ve felt similarly. Treat yourself kindly, be honest with yourself about what you want and take the time you need to find yourself again.

Would you rather try and earn more money and pay someone else to sort the house and garden? Not enjoying that sort of thing is a totally legitimate feeling - maybe you'd rather do more work and less stuff on the house?

Jean Paul Sartre once thought that you do the stuff you want to do.

so if you are doing social stuff, you clearly enjoy it.

if you are doing sports coaching, then it gets you up and out and about.

you procrastinate cleaning windows (I mean, who enjoys cleaning windows) because although you say you’ll enjoy the sense of achievement you clearly don’t enjoy it enough otherwise you’d do it.

it’s amount of view.
Personally, I am early retired for medical reasons. I got a cleaner.

I think the concept of “wasting” your life has a lot of problems with it…..

I listen to podcasts, and more recently audiobooks. It makes boring jobs more interesting and I’m likely to keep going as I want to keep listening

Maybe you need a "half hour list" then. I'm a chronic procrastinator, so it's what I use for all the jobs I can't really be arsed to do. General housework like loading the dishwasher, cleaning the toilets etc doesn't go on it, or anything that needs to be done on a specific deadline, because I know that I'll do those things without procrastinating, but everything else does. So it's always full of tasks that I don't really want to do, but need doing at some point. Cleaning the windows, or sorting the cupboard under the stairs. Painting the fence.

And I commit myself that I'll spend half an hour doing something on the list every single day, at the earliest opportunity. So on a work day it's usually as soon as I get home, on the weekend it's usually just after breakfast. If I happen to have something else on, then I do it as soon as I get back, before I put the kettle on.

Sometimes I'll knock off 5 jobs in half an hour, sometimes I'll just do part of a bigger job in half an hour. But more often if it is a bigger job, I just carry on past the half hour because, well, I'm doing it now so I may as well finish it.

I find that because I'm not committing to doing a specific thing on a specific thing on a specific day, it overcomes the inertia to starting the job. I'm just doing something off the list, and it may as well be this unpleasant thing because otherwise it'll be some other unpleasant thing.

I came on to say the same. The 'waiting mode' and not being able to do things without the 'tigers breath' on the back of your neck are classic ADHD. My eldest son has it. It's hereditary. Do some research on late diagnosis in women and the collapse of 'masking ' after the menopause.

Getting yourself into some sort of routine will help massively. Like doing a yoga or equivalent dvd, having breakfast, going for a walk. Reading a few chapters of a book, preparing lunch etc. It will all help, routine is key. I bought a watch to count my steps to stop me from sitting on the sofa!

That's a really good idea, thank you

Maybe I'm not as bad as I think because I do all those things 🤣

Yes, I keep seeing things anout ADHD that seem to fit, but how would knowing that help me?

Unless money is an issue, maybe you should get someone in to do the garden, or a local person to help you do the garden. Get the garden nice so you can enjoy it and then maybe you'll rediscover your passion for it... or maybe not and you'll eventually find something else. Either way, the garden will be a nice place for you to enjoy.

I would say get a dog, or /and do a big fitness thing like the Pennine way or Camino.

That's interesting as I've always been this way too. I hate afternoon appointments as I'm actively waiting and cannot possibly do anything beforehand! I try to make morning appointments if it's within my control, so I can get it out of the way!

So the waiting all day for an appointment is a big ADHD thing (and of course can be other things. ADHD is affected by hormones so symptoms will change in their severity and presentation etc at different times in a woman’s life (menopause, pregnancy etc). Trauma symptoms can also overlap closely with ADHD symptoms.

I find that having some structure to my week really helps, and stops me sitting around all day, every day. I volunteer two days a week, have choir one evening a week during term time, and try to pepper my diary with activities - from hair cut and dental appointments through to craft workshops, coffee with friends and visits to local attractions. I also have a whiteboard in my kitchen where I note ideas for new places / things to do, and try and cross off as many as possible when the weather is good!

Oh dear. I can't have a dog, all the extra hoovering 🤣 but I have taken myself off on a long distance trek (a week in UK) every year since DH died.