I've "retired" early and not sure I'm doing it right.

[Suncreamnow]

I used to love work, was very career orientated, always doing extra qualifications, worked longish hours, did a good job, was well respected and progressed to a level I'd never have thought possible when I was young.

Then in my late 40s/early 50s, probably due to a combination of lockdown, menopause and a significant bereavement, I completely lost interest and focus. I still seemed to get away with it, but I was doing the bare minimum (if that), achieving very little in a day and not enjoying any of it.

I changed my job hoping that would help, but I was working more from home, which made it even worse.

So I took early retirement. I've secured some casual work losely related to what I used to do and I am actually enjoying that. It's a few hours here and there and I can get my head down and focus for that when I have deadlines.

The rest of the time, for the first year at least, was supposed to be about getting fit and getting on top of my badly neglected house and garden (again which I used to love, but lost all interest in).

The fitness is going pretty well, but everything else is rubbish. I can easily spend 8 hours a day basically doing nothing.

I don't think I'm depressed, I still look forward to trips away or days out, but I can't apply myself to anything unless I have to. E.g. if I had a paper due today I'd get it done to a good standard, but if it was due in three weeks' time, there's no way I'd get myself organised now - I used to be good at that.

Today I have an appointment this afternoon, so will spend the morning basically waiting to go.

You'd think the bereavement would have tought me life is short and to make the most of every minute, but what it seems to have done is teach me that most of what I used to care about really doesn't matter.

What's the solution to stop me wasting my life?

I found that for a long time after my mum died and the kids left home that I was tormented by feelings of ‘should’ and ‘ought’ that couldn’t be satisfied.

I am learning to be kinder to myself and enjoy the peace and liberation from those obligations.

Do the garden now. I speak from experience.

Lots of stuff can wait a bit, but every minute spent there will give you something lovely for years after.

I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself to be honest. If you’ve made progress on fitness then that’s an achievement in itself and you should be really proud of that.

I’m not in your exact situation but a few years ago I moved from a stressful full time job to a more relaxed part time job and I went through a very similar experience. It is a bit of a process to adapt to a different way of life and you probably will need some time to decompress, especially with bereavements thrown in as well which I find can affect me for many months or even years.

Just an observation, but I would also say that there is a bit of a trend at the moment for every issue that middle aged women have to be attributed to either ADHD or the menopause. Obviously I’m not saying it’s not that, and a lot of people are able to successfully treat these and that resolves their symptoms, and that’s great. But I just think that sometimes we try and diagnose everything even when the issue is really just human nature. And self-imposed deadlines are harder to stick to for the vast majority of people, not just you!

You prob need to up it more - expensive as our own Oestrogen continues to decline.

I was extremely flat still, which has totally resolved now I've upped the Oestrogen 👌

I would also say that there is a bit of a trend at the moment for every issue that middle aged women have to be attributed to either ADHD or the menopause

This is likely to be because this was ignored or denied for eternity and women have been struggling and masking ND all their lives and expected to suck up the total escalation of ADHD symptoms which comes with collapse of our hormone structure.

I am glad that women have been given the information and language to become aware and express the struggles in mid life they have rather than put up and shut up to keep the rest of society afloat.

Yes, and as I said in my post if this is the case and people are able to treat these issues and see an improvement in their symptoms that’s great! That’s obviously a really good outcome for them.

The problem is when this becomes the default diagnosis to the exclusion of all else - it’s very possible that the OP’s experience is not linked to ADHD or the menopause. I felt very similar to her when I made a big change in my career and had a bereavement, and I was 36.

I guess it depends if you are bored. For staving off dementia challenging your brain is important there are studies that show early retirement is a risk factor. I think you need a fitness plan for your brain which could be reading books, listening to podcasts, learning a language or musical instrument etc. it doesn’t have to mean paid work it could be taking up something new.
As far as the house and garden is concerned either contract out the work or think of moving to something low maintenance. Perhaps rather than a family size house and garden you need to move to an apartment in the middle of a vibrant city with everything on your doorstep and get a cleaner.
I’m divorced and plan to stay single and once dc move out I want a new life / new start - not treading water in what was my old life in a house surrounded by families - and not spending my free time cleaning or weeding the garden.
my friends are always telling me to get a pet - thats not for me - but it works for some people to have the company and routine of walking a dog etc

I’m very similar to you and I do have ADHD. I find it hard to get started on tasks if there is no deadline and if they don’t matter to anybody but me. When I lived with other people I was motivated to stay on top of household tasks because it benefitted someone else beyond me but now I live alone I find I am constantly putting things off and rarely get started. I need motivation outside of myself to get anything done. The loss of your husband has also presumably been the loss of a person who might motivate you to get things done, even if that motivation was subconscious. I have found having pets helps somewhat as I do at least have to stay on top of some things for them and they keep me in some sort of routine but it’s still not the same as living with a person.

It's really hard when you have infinite time and a lack of motivation. I get this in the school holidays - in July, big list of garden and house jobs, but find myself getting lost in a book or a TV show and nothing gets done. Have you tried chunking the tasks and setting some SMART targets for yourself? Last summer, I made a deal with myself to spend 2 hours on the garden each day for a week and it made a difference. You know you will be satisfied with the results.

Very easily clarified with an assessment and blood tests.

Is it easy? I mean I'm being treated for menopause but I've never had any blood tests. If I did they'd likely say I was in perimenopause, but does that "prove" that's what's causing my symptoms.

As for ADHD, how does one easily get an assessment? I asked for help for GP about 2 years ago and am apparently on a list for CBT.

I wonder whether you have spent your life doing what you should be doing. If you felt a need to be productive. Personally I see nothing wrong with doing not much. You have gotten your fitness back which is fantastic.

Did you actually enjoy doing all these things you did before or did it just feel good because you were on top of it and there was a reward so to speak? (Recognition etc). What's wrong with not preparing for something weeks in advance? Perhaps you just aren't comfortable tolerating not being super productive?

I don't think a bereavement has to teach us to pack more into our lives. I think it should teach us to live by our values and meet our needs as much as possible. For some that's to travel the world, for others it's to live into the day and listen to the radio. There is nothing wrong with either.

Perhaps you feel you need to continue the way things were before, to be super productive just outside work. But is that actually YOU or are you just avoiding some discomfort. Often people keep themselves busy to avoid certain feelings but there comes a point this no longer works.

It took me ages to get used to not going out to work every day. I go to bed late and get up when I feel like it now. Although I can’t help feeling slightly guilty about what the neighbours must think of my me opening my curtains at half nine or so in the morning. Ridiculous right? My DH still working full time so he’s long gone when I stir. Now I enjoy my days, I cook a lot for the family and love trying out new recipes. I’ll have a drive out and do some shopping or have a quiet afternoon watching a film. To be honest I’m quite happy with my own company. I love winter days when I don’t have to go anywhere. The best thing is I never need to set my alarm. Give yourself time and you’ll find your own way.

does it matter if you ‘do nothing’ a lot of the time? Is it harming you/making you feel depressed? I think there is such an emphasis on being busy busy busy and rushing around in modern life but to what purpose? Maybe you’re subconsciously reassessing what actually matters to you? I’d genuinely be really interested to hear your thoughts on this
(I’ve read all your posts but not all the others on this thread)

I was addressing OP specifically because it's her thread and it sounds like she's not able to relate to those two possibilities, so we have that in common.

I think this would be me!

If you can afford it go privately for both if you want an accurate and thorough diagnosis and treatment plan to relieve your symptoms - no point being sub optimally treated or not even being assessed or diagnosed at all.

I am very much like you op and at a similar stage of life.

You have had fantastic answers and I like that so many posters have said it doesn’t matter that you are not filling your time with lots of things you feel that you have to do.

I am also someone who was used to a routine. I prefer to be accountable to someone as it gives me a bit of motivation. I am inclined to not do a great deal if I am only answerable to myself!

I can relate to this. I too was coasting at work but then was able to take voluntary redundancy at work during Covid. After 6 months off I got another job which I loved and did it for 2 years, but then had to give it up to become full time carer for terminally ill DH. He died last summer but I think I got into the habit of just sitting with him for long periods watching tv, and now I have trouble getting motivated to do anything. I'm 60, so have retired early and the plan was to get the house sorted (renovations and getting rid of tons of clutter), do the garden and just generally get the place cleaner and tidier. I've done some bits, but I can quite easily spend a day doing hardly anything. Most mornings I get up by 6am and just sit scrolling aimlessly on my iPad for a few hours before I even shower and get ready for the day. I feel like I'm wasting the remainder of my life.

Yes exactly, this is the point I was trying to make upthread.

Obviously some people have problems related to ADHD and menopause and it’s great that increased awareness of those has helped them, but the OP herself has said she doesn’t relate to those being the issues and yet some posters keep pushing that.

Over 45 menopause is treated by symptoms not blood tests, so if you are still symtomatic then your dose can be increased.

Given that you are the right age and you are experiencing a well known symptom of menopause I'd say increasing your HRT dose is worth a shot. And as I said Testosterone- its been a gamechanger for me.

I'm on three pumps of Estrogel (sp?) and GP is talking about working to reduce it.

I don't have any problems with libido, I'm like a coiled spring!

Upping the Oestrogen bit of my HRT cured my "what's the point-its"; adding Testosterone gave me back my mojo.

Some Pottering and tinkering are a valid part of healthy retirement - being flat out busy with work and commitments and chores is the unhealthy bit.

If you have lived through your career you might not have real ideas about what you want for yourself- looking after the house when it never mattered that much before isn’t going to be enough

some categories of ideas

volunteering Roles- shops, your favourite club, scouts
learning new skills ( music, language)
following up on a lifelong interest ( going on an archeological dig, visiting every site associated with Winston Churchill , every art gallery in the country )
sounds like you have the exercise covered at least

It's the stuff no one else cares about I can't get done,

Potentially, you don't really care about it that much either

and the time I haven't promised to others that I waste.

Why is the time being wasted, just because you're not doing anything productive?

Maybe it's not the "time wasting" thats the problem, it's the guilt around it that you need to fix.

I'd suggest that you're not out cleaning the back windows, and are instead sat reading a book / watching Bargain Hunt / pissing around on Mumsnet, not because you're lazy, but because you've realised life is short and that you'd rather spend it doing things you enjoy, even if they're small, unimportant, unproductive things. The only thing stopping you from enjoying that is that you feel guilty that you're not making more of your day. Why? As far as I can see, the point of living is enjoying it. Everything else is just there to enable to continue living a life you enjoy. At some point, the windows will get grimy enough that they annoy you enough to clean them. Until then, they really don't matter.