I've "retired" early and not sure I'm doing it right.

[Suncreamnow]

I used to love work, was very career orientated, always doing extra qualifications, worked longish hours, did a good job, was well respected and progressed to a level I'd never have thought possible when I was young.

Then in my late 40s/early 50s, probably due to a combination of lockdown, menopause and a significant bereavement, I completely lost interest and focus. I still seemed to get away with it, but I was doing the bare minimum (if that), achieving very little in a day and not enjoying any of it.

I changed my job hoping that would help, but I was working more from home, which made it even worse.

So I took early retirement. I've secured some casual work losely related to what I used to do and I am actually enjoying that. It's a few hours here and there and I can get my head down and focus for that when I have deadlines.

The rest of the time, for the first year at least, was supposed to be about getting fit and getting on top of my badly neglected house and garden (again which I used to love, but lost all interest in).

The fitness is going pretty well, but everything else is rubbish. I can easily spend 8 hours a day basically doing nothing.

I don't think I'm depressed, I still look forward to trips away or days out, but I can't apply myself to anything unless I have to. E.g. if I had a paper due today I'd get it done to a good standard, but if it was due in three weeks' time, there's no way I'd get myself organised now - I used to be good at that.

Today I have an appointment this afternoon, so will spend the morning basically waiting to go.

You'd think the bereavement would have tought me life is short and to make the most of every minute, but what it seems to have done is teach me that most of what I used to care about really doesn't matter.

What's the solution to stop me wasting my life?

Interesting. I have considered whether I (and also DS) might have some PTSD from caring for DH with terminal cancer during lockdown. It truly was horrific, and DS (now 22yo and another thread) is a shadow of what he used to be.

Yes, except I was really demotivated when I was "working" more too.

I clean the house and do tasks with an actual deadline very well if I know somebody is coming around etc. Other than that, its the bare minimum load the dishwasher once a week, vaccum once a week, and that's it really unless I decide I want to do something else.

You've had a really tough time OP; I echo the previous poster suggesting private therapy. Would that be an option for you?

I think you are giving yourself a bit of a hard time. It sounds like you are doing a lot. It also sounds like you need to rediscover who you are now. The plans you made 5-10 years ago are just not resonating with you anymore.

Maybe you just don't enjoy gardening, or you are dissatisfied generally with your house. Would you consider moving?

I'd love to move somewhere tiny, but I have young adult (and equally traumatised) DC living with me.

I was coming on here to type this exact post, probably word for word. The only difference is no private medical insurance for therapy, sadly.
My consultant said that there is a huge group of women, who have been really successful, worked all their adult lives and aren’t being diagnosed with ADHD until menopause literally floors them. Apparently menopausal women are the biggest percentage of his caseload.

I am on medication, which does help, but there are still days where I cannot think straight enough to have a sensible conversation, where I have a memory of a goldfish, and just flit around from one thought to another. It is so stressful and tiring, for me and te team I manage. I am seriously beginning to wonder if I may have to retire early, but I am scared to leave work as feeling that I need to earn my salary is the only motivation I have to do anything.

@Suncreamnow My DCs are a similar age.
If it helps, full blown symptoms for me are panic attacks, overthinking and flashbacks. I'm never going to be free of it but had a lot of counselling and I can manage it better. I'm trying mindfulness and breathing to counteract the procrastination.

Thank you. I'm not suffering like that. Overthinking maybe, but I've always done that!

DS has become completely withdrawn. Always introverted, but this is extreme and he's not taking care of himself, but I can't get him to agree to therapy and no one will see him if he's not engaged (naturally).

Actually being a "single parent" to these young adults with issues has probably been the hardest part of the bereavement.

This is very sensible advice.

also, don’t set yourself big tasks, don’t think of things as ‘jobs’ that have to be completed. Do more pottering. So your garden isn’t a chore that needs to be sorted out, it’s somewhere you go to spend some time to enjoy yourself. If you want to spend ten minutes weeding that’s fine, you don’t have to do the whole border in one go.

Keep your eye open for some activity that you might enjoy and try things out, remembering you don’t have to commit. If you do decide to do volunteering make sure it’s something you enjoy. You don’t have to choose the most worthy or useful or needy cause. If you want to do something niche or fun, do it. I’ve known people who have volunteered for some really important and worthwhile causes but just been so miserable because some volunteering jobs are tough and don’t suit everyone

do try and get outdoors, preferably to somewhere nice. Equally, sitting in front of the tv in the afternoon and watching a film is a huge luxury and not at all a waste of time

Jakers @Suncreamnow widen your horizons. My mum did she started with France, then Italy, then took the plunge NYC, New England. I paid for it, but had encouraged her 😂.

Start small my poverty stricken student son and partner, do four day breaks £300 including flights. They've done Warsaw, Rome, Porto this way to get a taste . Porto they plan to return to. Next holiday for them end of September is Madeira.

Another friend did a Mediterranean cruise to get a taste. Flew out to Spain, embarked there.

Spread your wings.

I've been abroad, with friends and alone, but the hiking has been in UK.

Invite someone to stay - I dusted everywhere, even polished mirrors, de cobwebbed, - plan the meals.
its a shame you can’t get motivated to garden. Make a pond, designate an area wildlife and butterflies, redesign it for easy maintenance. Plant some fruit trees and lovely roses. I always get the tools out the day before so I can get straight to it and don’t have to do shed search and wheelbarrow hunt first.

Place marking as I've been going through something similar - will come back later with more thoughts.

What would DS son say if you suggested moving to the seaside/ mountains/city centre -does seem that your home has many sad memories.

I get that but as you’ve discovered the answer to being demotivated at work is not to be demotivated from not working. It’s just a different kind of apathy, The key is to find some kind of activity - paid, voluntary, study - or combination of these - to enthuse you. It should involve something wildly off-piste.

It’s very easy to fall into apathy - but the more unproductive you are the more bored you feel.

Well it's like anything in life knowledge is power - basically first port of call is awareness (loads to read up on online), then acceptance (once you ahve been assessed or diagnosed or even self diagnosed) and then agency - its up to you to take steps or not to address any issues.

How can you fix or adapt to something you dont know about? With ADHD there are so many aspects, which change over our lifetimes and then there are so many lifestyle hacks to try that can help - and you can also get medicated.

I love gardens but if she cba to garden, which I quite understand, I’d be inclined to get rid of it - move somewhere with a lower maintenance garden.

In a way your life is a bit on hold OP, because quite naturally you are keeping the status quo as steady as you can for your young ones. Mine eventually went off to university so I moved (not that far - just to a place with more going on). The new place is not so very much smaller (still room for the kids to stay) but it's far more manageable and the garden is much easier too. I felt that I was living my old life without DH before I moved. Upping sticks was incredibly liberating, even though I kept many connections and hobbies and really only changed the scenery. Is it out of the question to make a fresh start at the moment, or could you involve your DC in plans for down the line? It might loosen things up for everyone. It does take time to let go of a place with memories and perhaps stuff to sort out, but it can be therapeutic. My goal of putting the family house on the market in two years kept me quite focused. The DCs would probably have preferred me to stay initially, but they soon got behind the idea and enjoyed helping with the search. I'm sorry that yours are still in such a dark place. One of mine had a lot of therapy which really helped, but as you say it has to come from them

Invite people to stay - then you have to sort the garden out before they arrive

What do you want to do that you're not doing?
Who do you talk to in real life?

This is so shocking. No wonder you dont feel like cleaning the back downstairs windows when you are paralysed between this unprocessed past trauma whilst watching your DS diminsh. There is nothing worse than seeing your DC's MH decline and suffer. Can you seek some professional support for him directly and maybe yourself indirectly has how best you can intervene and provide the most appropriate environment. There are lots of bereavment charities which may help and Cruse also provide bespoke support for traumatic death experiences. EMDR as a technique for PTSD is evidence based and may only take a few sessions to work.

I see from a subsequent thread that he wont engage directly right now - so maybe you could seek support as to how best to support him for now?

I haven't read the full thread but here's my two penn'orth...

Four years after a significant and very distressing bereavement is no time at all, you and your DS need to cut yourselves a lot of slack and perhaps seek support from an organisation like Cruse Bereavement Support.

There's an excellent new programme called Do I have ADHD on Channel 4 catch-up at the moment. It would probably be worth you watching it. It doesn't sound like you fit the diagnostic criteria for ADHD according to that programme, but all of us probably have some or all of the traits you describe.

I took redundancy from a very full-on and senior role, was glad of the break from the stress and then pootled around doing things I loved as a freelancer. That work has tailed off now for various reasons and I have a decent pension, but I'm still struggling to find purpose and lack motivation to crack on with sorting out the house and garden - things I thought I would embrace with more time.

I've also seen research which indicates that our nurturing instincts drop off a cliff with menopause, which explains why housework and gardening feel mainly like pure drudgery these days. I now have a cleaner and gardener - would that work for you?

Following some of The Organised Mum Method principles for the housework I do do has helped (no cleaner ever does everything you need ime). I set a timer and blast through a list of tasks while listening to a podcast then rewarding myself with a swim or something.

For me, the reality is that it's very hard to replace the dopamine, recognition, social contact and status that came from interesting work but I don't have the health and energy to find a replacement for it. I do some volunteering but haven't yet found something that is within my current capabilities and which replaces the satisfaction I found from work. But that's likely to be a process of trial and error (see the video below).

Women of our generation who had interesting careers don't have role models of how to be in retirement - I CAN knit, garden, clean but I worked bloody hard not to be defined by that.

I'm trying to learn to relax and stay in the moment and not feel I need to be productive and busy any more, but it doesn't come naturally!

How good is your your network of friends? I find I have to be very proactive in organising to see people - that helps replace some of the work satisfaction that I miss as many are ex colleagues.

Maybe we need to set up a support group for women like us?

Finally, you might find this helpful:

I think its relevant that although you are busy socially you dont have any emotionally intimate friends - this is a huge issue if your DH was that role - where do you off-load about deep stuff as well as the huge stress of watching your DS decline? Anything not dealt with is just something that is being subconsciously held - and this gets heaver the longer you hold it as well as the more that is added on (your DS) - you really need to discharge / digest / process all this emotion otherwise it becomes an unseen weight.

What helped me more than anything else was finding a new passion…… actually I found two!

I was always interested in art and I started painting, which I absolutely love.

Secondly, I started to exercise seriously, every day, and discovered that I love working out with dumbbells. The feeling of being super fit in my 70s is very empowering.

Other than that, I make sure I stay active with a variety of activities, including…

Theatre, ballet, exhibitions etc - several times a week
Regularly meeting friends with different interests - films, plays, painting, reading, pubs, walking, travelling…
I do lots of sports
I foster cats
i belong to a litter picking group
I am learning Italian
I experiment with new foods

There aren’t enough hours in the day!