I've "retired" early and not sure I'm doing it right.

[Suncreamnow]

I used to love work, was very career orientated, always doing extra qualifications, worked longish hours, did a good job, was well respected and progressed to a level I'd never have thought possible when I was young.

Then in my late 40s/early 50s, probably due to a combination of lockdown, menopause and a significant bereavement, I completely lost interest and focus. I still seemed to get away with it, but I was doing the bare minimum (if that), achieving very little in a day and not enjoying any of it.

I changed my job hoping that would help, but I was working more from home, which made it even worse.

So I took early retirement. I've secured some casual work losely related to what I used to do and I am actually enjoying that. It's a few hours here and there and I can get my head down and focus for that when I have deadlines.

The rest of the time, for the first year at least, was supposed to be about getting fit and getting on top of my badly neglected house and garden (again which I used to love, but lost all interest in).

The fitness is going pretty well, but everything else is rubbish. I can easily spend 8 hours a day basically doing nothing.

I don't think I'm depressed, I still look forward to trips away or days out, but I can't apply myself to anything unless I have to. E.g. if I had a paper due today I'd get it done to a good standard, but if it was due in three weeks' time, there's no way I'd get myself organised now - I used to be good at that.

Today I have an appointment this afternoon, so will spend the morning basically waiting to go.

You'd think the bereavement would have tought me life is short and to make the most of every minute, but what it seems to have done is teach me that most of what I used to care about really doesn't matter.

What's the solution to stop me wasting my life?

Sounds to me that unless you're accountable to someone else, you're not going to have the motivation to do it?

So I guess invite friends over for a date in a fortnight so you have the motivation to tidy first etc??

It sounds as though it wasn't so much the deadlines that organized you but the expectations/implications of not meeting them. You say you are much more motivated where others are relying on you or you can see that you are making a difference with others - that is quite a relational response. I too am drawn to your experience of loss and your lifecycle stage. I wonder if the loss of your partner shifted a number of priorities for you or even your world view. That would mean you might be more discerning about what is the purpose of your activities? You also sound very pragmatic and solution focused which are solid coping skills in the face of significant challenging events. It may be that you have been able to make decisions such as taking early retirement and finding some interests, but you may not have had the space to psychologically process what has happened in your life and most importantly how it orientates you to the future.

I think the ADHD talk is a red herring. What you have shared about living with your DS - what you both went and are still going through - makes a lot more sense of your focus and interest. I understand that DS won't see a therapist, are you in therapy?

I've found when your DC aren't happy it's hard to find motivation for basic things like tidying etc.

Your mind is taken elsewhere how to solve the bigger problem of your DC's happiness.

I think you're being way too hard on yourself OP.

I would definitely seek some therapy to help cope with the change in your DS if nothing else. And also help for the change that has come with being a single parent. And grief for your DH. You're shouldering a lot but you haven't really mentioned just how much and you're not really being fair to yourself. Even omitting it here shows you aren't giving yourself enough kindness or understanding that you have been through a lot and it's affected you.

My cleaner came today second visit. Deep clean of the bathroom. She emptied it completely and put everything in a laundry basket. Said go through it all, wipe or bin. She's a fierce declutterer 😂

The garden is a two person job at times. Since my issues with back and hips I can't help which has demotivated husband. I think that's normal.

Another one who thinks you just need a rest. Rest is very important, and you will find what you want to do, as well as all the activities you are doing.
the Work Ethic of work all the time and never just stop and stare is very harmful and we all need to allow rest and recuperation to be what we are doing today
enjoy the rest, and the working out what to do next

Your updates are the key here, I think. You've had a terrible trauma and loss, OP. It's not surprising that it has left you feeling this way. And in fact, considering how much you've been through, you are doing a lot. And maybe you are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now - sport, walking etc. Maybe the house stuff is all too loaded with difficult emotions and memories.

I was widowed in sudden and traumatic circumstances over a decade ago and I am still recovering and still have days where I can't function the way I used to, and struggle to make decisions or see the point. My eldest DC suffered terribly from the trauma and it has had a huge impact on his day-to-day functioning. I'm learning to accept that this is the reality of things, and work with it, not against it. Counselling has helped me a lot, and helped my DS too because even though he won't go himself, I've been able to help him more. We're all having to make a different life from the one we envisaged, and that's hard and takes time. It's much, much easier and better than it was in year 4 though, for all of us.

I agree about the grief and potential PTS. Do you think your DS would be up for the two of you going traveling for a couple of months? Something to give you both a completely different experience away from all of your memories?