Page 8 | Can't sleep. Worried that morbidly obese DS is going to die young

Original poster

AngelikiEvangelia · 07/08/2025 11:32

bumblingbovine49 · 07/08/2025 11:11

ffs. Don't do this catastrophising I was very very obese as a child. So obese my mother could barely find clothes to fit me. I grew into my age a bit between 9 amd 14 but then got very overweight again . I have been dieting for 30-40 years but am still obese- morbidly obese now

I can tell you this as a 62 year old. Apart from this one failure, I have had a good life so far I am not pre diabetic or diabetic. I don't have high blood pressure. I don't need a walker of stick to walk. I am not in a weelchair. I have had a life where I hike, where I skied and sailed, drove motorbikes, done white water rafting, snorkelling, diving. I lift weights 1-2 times awek, do daily mobilising exercises, walk regularly and. Yes my life may get much worse in the next 10 years if I stay fat but youur son is 20!!

Your son sounds depressed and unhappy. Help him with that first. Ignore the weight unless he brings it up . Once he feels better about himself he will probably decide to do something about the weight but even if he only loses some weight or struggles with it his wholel life, he can still have a good long life as long as he takes care of himself. He needs to take care of himself and if that means starting with an acceptance than he might always be fat , then that is fine. Then he can move to exercise to make him feel better and eating better because he values himself

When people on here get angry about 'fat acceptance' culture saying it normalises fat, they are wrong. Fat is normalised because so many people are fat. If we want to become less fat and stay less fat - it is about being kind to ourselves - and that might start with accepting that being fat does not mean your life is over.

I am not going to tell you you that my life might not have been better without my food addiction (and you are right that is what it is) but it is in no way definite that he will die young or have a terrible life. He is still young and has time

Listen to the advice on here about how to help him. I won't give any because I haven't solved my obesity problem so how can I advise but some people do so keep trying with him.

But even if he doesn't solve it, he can have a good life if he focuss on his life and what he wants to do with it more than how fat he is. You need to do this too

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I appreciate you sharing your experience and I'm glad you've had (and continue to have) a good life.

He might be the same, but he might not. My Nan smoked her whole adult life and lived to 90, whereas one of my uncles smoked and died of lung cancer at 40.

No one knows what will happen in the future and nothing is ever guaranteed with a person's health but I don't think it's weird or unreasonable for me to fear for my child.

(I'm not catastrophising to him, to be clear)

OP posts:

Redburnett · 07/08/2025 11:32

How is he funding his eating habits? I suggest that you only buy healthy options and if you cook for him only serve healthy options.

goldenquestion · 07/08/2025 11:38

AngelikiEvangelia · 07/08/2025 01:48

I don't think you were blunt at all - thank you so much for replying ❤️

He did say a doctor had mentioned weight loss medication when he was talking to them about his mental health, but that was a while ago now so it may be that he will need to bring it up directly himself.

I worry that his emotional attachment to food is so strong that they wouldn't work - but hopefully that wouldn't be the case.

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I felt the same about GLP1s, thought they wouldn't work because I was more than aware when I was full and would shovel food in anyway, so I thought I'd just 'eat through them'. But once starting I almost immediately found out that wasn't the case.

Losing the weight has been life changing - physically but also mentally. I'm more confident to make plans with friends (don't have to worry about what to wear or where we're going etc), so it really has knocked on to all aspects of my life.

Definitely worth a chat with him x

Redburnett · 07/08/2025 11:41

TBH it is hard to believe that on UC living at home he can afford that much corner shop junk food. Where I live around £75 pw wouldn't buy a lot at corner shop prices. And how is he paying for clothes, which presumably he has been growing out of quickly?
My only other suggestions are to charge him rent (you can always save the money for him), cut off the internet overnight, and start going for walks with him.

Beachtastic · 07/08/2025 11:58

It would be great if he could focus his addictive tendencies onto healthier habits like weight training.

Would this be useful?

https://freedfromed.co.uk/freed-for-all

Eating disorder help & support for young people & carers | FREED

You might have noticed that you’re worried about eating, weight, shape or someone else. The best way forward is to get help and support as early as possible, you are not alone. FREED offers information, help and support to find the right treatment opti...

https://freedfromed.co.uk/freed-for-all

MumWifeOther · 07/08/2025 12:04

AngelikiEvangelia · 07/08/2025 03:15

Previously, he was working (so used his wages) and now he's on UC while he's trying to find work.

I paid for him to have private therapy when he was a teenager, and he's on the waiting list for IAPT now so is definitely open to it.

He eats lots of healthy food (all our meals are made from scratch) but he's addicted to the junk food, so craves that on top. And - at the moment at least - he doesn't want to stop or even cut down.

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The problem isn’t just the food - it’s the lack of exercise. I would reduce his calories in the meals you feed him, and I would insist on going for daily walks. He needs to get back to work and I think there’s an element here of your enabling some of these behaviours.

Mygosh · 07/08/2025 12:12

I'm really sorry to hear this. I too have been addicted to food. Sadly the only thing that works is Wegovy.

Is your ds on antidepressants? They can greatly increase appetite. There are some brands that aren't as bad as others. For me, Mirtazipine helped me to gain 3 stone over 2 years. He also needs to get some blood tests to check for thyroid issues and vitamin deficiency. Would he be willing to join a healthy eating course? My local council runs one and the group had some great ideas for healthy recipes and light exercise.

Fluffygreyjumper · 07/08/2025 12:15

You should read/ listen to Mel Robbins "Let them Theory". She reinforced what other posters have alluded to, that you cannot make someone change and guilt tripping them makes it even worse so do not be harsh as others have suggested. You have to let him decide when he is ready for change. Other than setting a positive example there is nothing you or anyone else can physically do to make him get help - addiction is a mental illness but it isnt sectionable I.e. you can't force him to get medical help.

Original poster

AngelikiEvangelia · 07/08/2025 12:17

Mygosh · 07/08/2025 12:12

I'm really sorry to hear this. I too have been addicted to food. Sadly the only thing that works is Wegovy.

Is your ds on antidepressants? They can greatly increase appetite. There are some brands that aren't as bad as others. For me, Mirtazipine helped me to gain 3 stone over 2 years. He also needs to get some blood tests to check for thyroid issues and vitamin deficiency. Would he be willing to join a healthy eating course? My local council runs one and the group had some great ideas for healthy recipes and light exercise.

Thank you ❤️

He has been taking citalopram for a few months but I'm not sure what (if any) effect it is having.

OP posts:

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/08/2025 12:18

I think something like Mounjaro would be really good for him. It works in two ways - it makes you feel full after not eating much, and it makes you feel full for longer. It also affects the reward system in your brain so you don't keep thinking about food and how you need it as a treat. Honestly, it's absolutely life-changing. I would speak to him about it. People do panic a bit, thinking they might not enjoy food afterwards, but it's not like that. It just stops you thinking about it and when you do eat something you feel full for a much longer time.

Badgerandfox227 · 07/08/2025 12:20

I’d have a look at getting him on weight loss injections - they’re a game changer for people with overeating dissorders

Original poster

AngelikiEvangelia · 07/08/2025 12:20

Fluffygreyjumper · 07/08/2025 12:15

You should read/ listen to Mel Robbins "Let them Theory". She reinforced what other posters have alluded to, that you cannot make someone change and guilt tripping them makes it even worse so do not be harsh as others have suggested. You have to let him decide when he is ready for change. Other than setting a positive example there is nothing you or anyone else can physically do to make him get help - addiction is a mental illness but it isnt sectionable I.e. you can't force him to get medical help.

Thank you ❤️ I would never be harsh or use emotional blackmail techniques like guilt-tripping - those posters are wasting their time with me.

OP posts:

Holluschickie · 07/08/2025 12:22

I think Mel Robbins Let Them theory fails when applied to parenting, but I have long since realised my tiger mum parenting is quite different from MN.

Juststop2025 · 07/08/2025 12:28

AngelikiEvangelia · 07/08/2025 08:55

Thank you so much for all the replies. A lot to think about.

We could afford the injections so that's definitely a potential option. However, I'm wondering if we should wait until he's back on the ADHD meds and see if that makes any difference (he stopped them when he finished school, as his CAMHS psychiatrist said he shouldn't be taking them all the time - just when he needed to concentrate at school).

Why wait?

Imdoodleladie · 07/08/2025 12:30

I know my situation is far from unique but has anyone any suggestions on how to make my universal credit payment go further? By the time I pay all my bills(no extras) it's gone. I have barely enough money for food. I have health issues so have limited abilities. I've worked until fairly recently but it made my health worse. PIP isn't available to me. No place or one to turn to. Any advice would be appreciated.

Mumofsoontobe3 · 07/08/2025 12:30

Sorry OP I've been unable to read through the whole thread as it made me quite emotional. I really feel for both you and your son. I understand your upset and frustration, are yous quite close? Could you sit down with him, have an open conversation about your concerns and offer support at his GP appointment for both his mental and physical wellbeing. If confidence is an issue, would you consider joining a gym with him? Maybe not even the gym, try doing 1k steps a day until it moves to 2k, then 3k etc. That time together really helps too and he may feel more confident and secure having you with him. It doesn't have to be during the day when it's busy, first AM, last thing at night? You do sound very distressed with your worry which is understandable. Even marching up and down the garden together just to up step intake. I really hope he is able to tackle this issue for his own sake. You sound like a wonderful supportive mum, he'll get there with you on his corner.

pinkkola · 07/08/2025 12:31

AngelikiEvangelia · 07/08/2025 00:59

He is 20. His 2XL t-shirts that used to swamp him are now too tight. He gets breathless walking even short distances.

I feel like I'm watching him deteriorate in front of my eyes but there's nothing I can do. His addiction to junk food is too strong.

I keep thinking back to him as a baby, a toddler, a young child and it's breaking my heart. He was so happy, so full of life and energy - and now his life is so small and he's so sad and he just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I can't bear it. I had him quite young and am facing the very real prospect of outliving him if something doesn't change. All I want is for him to be OK.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your love for him is clear, and it’s heartbreaking to watch someone you care about struggle. Just being there, without judgment, can mean more than you know. Small steps and quiet support might help him more than pressure ever could. You're not alone — take care of yourself too.

Cinnabonswirl · 07/08/2025 12:32

For goodness sake some of the responses on here are truly moronic. Op I think all you can do is be supportive of him, try to make him feel positive, negativity will only push him away from you and to food more.

my best friends mum used to tell him how fat he was all the time, how it was disgusting and how he was going to die. He just opted not to be around her. He did eventually lose weight and she thinks she got through to him and is responsible for his weight loss, she’s really glad she nagged him for years.
but really she just delayed his progress and damaged their relationship.
hopefully with support your ds finds his feet with his eating and lifestyle too.

Funnywonder · 07/08/2025 12:34

MumWifeOther · 07/08/2025 12:04

The problem isn’t just the food - it’s the lack of exercise. I would reduce his calories in the meals you feed him, and I would insist on going for daily walks. He needs to get back to work and I think there’s an element here of your enabling some of these behaviours.

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This a 20 year old adult. It is disgraceful for you to suggest that the OP is enabling him. If you read the OP’s posts, the meals she cooks for him are balanced and healthy, but he snacks. Maybe she should lock him in his room and stop him going to the shop. Also, your prescription of daily walks won’t help a morbidly obese person lose weight, although obviously they would be good for his cardiovascular health and his mood. How do you propose the OP insists on these? Obesity is a complex physiological problem. He has passed the tipping point for simple solutions.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 07/08/2025 12:41

He has lots of time to turn this around OP. See if his GP will switch his meds - get him off the anti depressants and onto ADHD medication. His GP should know about the weight gain as it may be an unintended consequence of the anti depressants.

MrsSlocombesCat · 07/08/2025 12:43

GreenFriedTomato · 07/08/2025 06:24

@Juststop2025 Mounjaro. I am absolutely serious. Yes, it is a wonder drug for many, don't listen to the shriekers who wish nobody could access it because they've spent their entire lives starving themselves and doing without and are raging that people who need help can get it.

Mounjaro shut down all the food noise. Instantly. They actually don't think about food much anymore, and when they do their appetite is small.

It has definitely been a wonder drug for me. When I've been overweight in the past, I've always managed to lose weight by dieting and exercise.
However, this last time I had an episode of depression, gained 20kgs and I just couldn't get started. Then when the depression lifted, I broke my leg so I couldn't even walk, let alone exercise.
I was sceptical about Mounjaro and the 'food noise' but it was incredible. It didn't completely kill my appetite but it made me want to eat differently.
I always used to joke about how great it would be if they could invent a drug that made me crave salad instead of chocolate and they did! Given the choice between a burger and cake or a salad and fruit, I actually want the healthy stuff all the time now.
I've also stayed on the same low dose without increasing it, and the cravings didn't come back when I stopped.
I don't care about the people who moan that it's cheating and you should lose weight naturally. It was my health and my life and none of their business.. Now I'm back at my ideal weight. No longer breathless or suffering from backache/joint pain.

@AngelikiEvangelia , Mounjaro might work for your son. I was constantly craving junk food and sweets but the cravings stopped. And when I did sometimes eat junk, I'd feel nauseous after a small amount. Also, when I've dieted in the past, I had to keep myself constantly distracted because all I ever thought about was food! But I honestly stopped thinking about food with the injection. Sometimes I had to make myself eat or I'd just forget to.
I also thought about the cost but I figured I was spending the same amount per month on junk food. And getting back to a healthy weight was priceless anyway.
I took it for a few months and came off it in June The food noise/cravings haven't come back-and I haven't regained the weight.

It also started working almost straight away too. So if it's something he'd consider, you could get a 1st month supply for around £100 and see how he gets on. Good luck to you both.

Edit- wrt Mounjaro for life. Yes I have read that some people stay on it and take a maintenance dose. In my case, as I said earlier, I never increased the dose and even after 2 months of not taking it, I haven't started gaining wait or going back to old habits. So I guess it depends on the individual. But also consider how much is often spent on rubbish food or takeaways. It's probably not much less than the medication.

Edited

I eat zero takeaways and don't eat junk. I couldn't afford the injections so I am doing it on my own. It's hard. But aside from the cost I don't trust the drugs. People have had awful side effects and even died.

PersephoneSeethes · 07/08/2025 12:45

AngelikiEvangelia · 07/08/2025 02:23

Yes, he still lives at home. We eat healthily and cook everything from scratch. Already have wholewheat pasta, bread, etc. So he's getting good nutrition at meal times - but outside of that, he's eating whole tubs of ice cream, massive bags of crisps, etc and drinking multiple bottles of Dr Pepper a day (he buys them himself from the corner shop). It's the binge eating / emotional eating that's the issue.

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My son does this too, despite my best efforts fortunately he’s not overly big just yet but his genes are not going to be kind to him.

I would be very, very careful about how you manage this. Being to critical or too harsh could trigger emotional eating and give him binge eating disorder or other eating disorders.

Is your son worried about anything? Could he be emotionally eating?

Original poster

AngelikiEvangelia · 07/08/2025 12:46

Cinnabonswirl · 07/08/2025 12:32

For goodness sake some of the responses on here are truly moronic. Op I think all you can do is be supportive of him, try to make him feel positive, negativity will only push him away from you and to food more.

my best friends mum used to tell him how fat he was all the time, how it was disgusting and how he was going to die. He just opted not to be around her. He did eventually lose weight and she thinks she got through to him and is responsible for his weight loss, she’s really glad she nagged him for years.
but really she just delayed his progress and damaged their relationship.
hopefully with support your ds finds his feet with his eating and lifestyle too.

Your poor best friend 😞

I don't think DS is disgusting (and in the unlikely event that I ever did, I would never in a million years say this to him). It was only when he stopped being able to walk more than a few hundred yards without panting and breaking out in a sweat that I really started to panic. If he was just a bigger person who was still able to do everything he wanted to do, I wouldn't have this level of anxiety.

I know that some people think worrying about the health of someone who is obese is just a front for hating fat people but that isn't what is happening here.

OP posts:

PersephoneSeethes · 07/08/2025 12:49

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 07/08/2025 12:41

He has lots of time to turn this around OP. See if his GP will switch his meds - get him off the anti depressants and onto ADHD medication. His GP should know about the weight gain as it may be an unintended consequence of the anti depressants.

I put on 20kg on antidepressants in six months. They helped enormously but my goodness shifting the weight has been very difficult.

notatinydancer · 07/08/2025 12:50

coronafiona · 07/08/2025 04:05

Read ‘ultra processed people’. Stop buying processed food it is addictive.

She doesn’t. He buys it himself.