Can't sleep. Worried that morbidly obese DS is going to die young

[AngelikiEvangelia]

He is 20. His 2XL t-shirts that used to swamp him are now too tight. He gets breathless walking even short distances.

I feel like I'm watching him deteriorate in front of my eyes but there's nothing I can do. His addiction to junk food is too strong.

I keep thinking back to him as a baby, a toddler, a young child and it's breaking my heart. He was so happy, so full of life and energy - and now his life is so small and he's so sad and he just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I can't bear it. I had him quite young and am facing the very real prospect of outliving him if something doesn't change. All I want is for him to be OK.

Mounjaro will cut his desire for snacks and junk literally overnight. It’s a miracle drug. My 20 year old has lost 5 stone and everything in her life has transformed. Buy it for him it’s £150 a month to get his life back. Don’t hesitate, by Christmas everything will be different for you both.

IAPT works best IME when you have a clear goal for what you hope to achieve. If he can ask for help with coping in such a way as to reduce his reliance on emotional eating, that would help.

You could always do some research yourself as to alternative tools and find ways to introduce them so that you do them together, but tread carefully - interfering can make someone feel worse.

But if its emotional eating that's the problem then weight loss injections are just a temporary fix. He needs therapy to help with depression and learn healthier ways of coping.

Why did he come off of the medication?

Does he take anything for his mental health at the moment?

There is 0 evidence that it is not healthy for life. The naysayers are wild - I put it down to the terror of not having fat people to scorn in the future.

i spend less on Mounjaro per month than I did in the depths of binge eating addiction.

I am no expert but I really think that mounjaro would change his life. I used to mindlessly eat all day long (not to the same extent I didn’t get up in the night or anything) and since that first jab I just don’t even think about food. I still eat 3 meals a day, within my calorie limit, but I’ve lost 6 stone now since January. I used to eat takeaways a few times per week and I think I’ve had 3 since January not even because I’ve been ‘being good’ I just don’t want them. I’ve paid for mine but I’ve easily saved the costs on buying crap to eat.

I’m a recovering addict (prescription medication) so I think I’m qualified to answer this too and the answer is yes. I believe addiction is a choice.

When you get to a certain level you know how bad you are. You know you’re making yourself poorly. Yet every day you wake up and make an active choice not to get help. You choose not to go to the doctor/access therapy/reach out to a friend. Addiction is complicated with multiple levels but I do believe ultimately it’s also a choice. Addicts don’t get better until they choose to. You have to hit rock bottom. For some it’s fear of losing their kids, health scares, hospitalisations. For your DS it may be a heart attack.

The issue is when someone has a drug or alcohol problem it’s completely acceptable to sit them down and tell them they are ruining their life and you want to help them. For some reason when you see someone gaining excessive weight that isn’t deemed so acceptable unless they are so fat they can’t get out of bed. I had anorexia as a teenager and my family sat me down multiple times for an intervention. This wouldn’t have been seen as so acceptable if I’d had been massively over weight. FWIW I was hospitalised and I believe I made a choice to get better.

I have a massively over weight friend who binge eats and if I told her I was worried I know I would be told to mind my own business and accused of fat shaming. Different types of addictions are unfortunately not seen as worthy of help by a lot of people and these people are just expected to get over it (I personally think this goes for porn addiction too).

I completely understand why as a Mother you are worried but other than refuse to have junk in the house I can’t see what you can do when he’s 20. I don’t agree with the people saying to refuse to have it and lock the cupboards, he’ll just hide it in his room and binge eat even more and feel dirty about it. Encouragement to start moving his body with light exercise could be a starting point. But until he decides he wants to lose weight and get healthy, you’re fighting a losing battle.

Has he expressed to you how unhappy he is with his weight and how he wants to get help? This could be a starting point. I know you mention mental health medication and him feeling like he uses junk as a coping tool but has he mentioned that he really wants to stop? If so maybe he would let you got to the doctor with him to talk? I agree WLM could massively help. Eating disorder services support binge eating too.

I agree with this. I am on WLI. They have changed my life. But I had to want that change. I have also had periods of feeling quite low, and other people I know have reported similar. I think that for me it's because food was my go to if I was sad or stressed. With that desire taken away from me I have had to find other ways to cope with my emotions.

I think just saying that WLI are the only thing that Op's son needs is untrue, and could actually end up harming him. Also, everyone's experience on them is different. Some people have few to no side effects, others actually have to stop taking them.

Why isn’t he taking his adhd medication - he likes sugar because he needs the dopamine hit. Lucky it’s not alcohol.

@AngelikiEvangelia just putting things together you mentioned from your thread, he has ADHD and is not medicated? Medication is first line treatment - Vyvanse is good.

also, right now he clearly has binge eating disorder. There is a drug the gp can give him (NOT ozempic, that treats the symptoms and not the cause, ie the low dopamine which is the cause of the ADHD.)

Do some reading on ADHD dopamine and binge eating disorder and get him to a specialist - this is neurological, you both won’t know yourselves when you get sorted.

I think all those weight loss injections are temporary, the moment you stop getting them the weight creeps back on. I’m happy to be corrected if I’m wrong though..

So it would be a temporary solution only. On the long term, a psychological shift is needed.

Yes this, 100%. Get him on Mounjaro asap, it will likely save his life. Help him to use his time on WLI to change his eating habits and maybe even counselling to get to the bottom of his compulsive eating. Mounjaro will give him some breathing space to address the root cause.

Unfortunately the fact that the NHS has only agreed to fund it for two years means lots of people have taken the leap that it means it’s unhealthy after two years. Not so - it was a financial decision - it’s a new drug and demand is likely to be enormous.

OP this is exactly who WLI are designed for. Not people thinking ooh maybe I can lose a few pounds. They are for people who have obesity because of the health risks of that long term. Please get him to GP to follow this up. Alongside that if you can get him into the gym and finding a persona trainer he can build strength and muscle. Muscle mass has enormous benefits for mental health - lifting weights increases expression of BDNF growth factor thought to be responsible for memory and learning. It also helps with hormone synthesis. Also maybe an antidepressant like citalopram which also helps motivation and focus. If like you say losing his girlfriend was the trigger this is situational and can be turned round pretty quick. You just need to find the symptoms that are bothering him the most. Find the one thing that would make the biggest difference and start there.

No one lifted weights at the gym and felt depressed.

Oh also if he has ADHD and isn't taking his meds - he's seeking dopamine through sugar..been there done that!

I think you can still try and support your child at any age. Of course you can't make him want to help himself, but with the mental health and ADHD you can try.
I would sit him down and say you are there if he wants any help booking appointments, going with him etc and that you are worried about his long term health rather than focus on he is overweight now.
Ask him how he feels, is it making him feel low, would he benefit from anti depressants as well as his usual meds.
If he can sort his ADHD meds and perhaps some anti D then you can address the eating and he might start to feel like a walk or swim or buying a walking pad/second hand rowing machine or whatever.
(I got a cheap treadmill of FB)
It's very hard to.address the eating with the other issues draining any motivation.

Don't do that. It's not on OP. And at this point, these "simple" choices will be very difficult for this poor lad.

Some weight loss could really help him get up and out and more confident though and then seeking out therapy and a healthier lifestyle will be much easier.

Thank you so much for all the replies. A lot to think about.

We could afford the injections so that's definitely a potential option. However, I'm wondering if we should wait until he's back on the ADHD meds and see if that makes any difference (he stopped them when he finished school, as his CAMHS psychiatrist said he shouldn't be taking them all the time - just when he needed to concentrate at school).

How was his weight when he was taking his meds? Lots of kids I’ve taught find that adhd meds act as an appetite suppressant - not ideal on a skinny primary school child but might kill two birds with one stone in this case!

Don't wait for anything. Get started on mounjaro. It is life changing

@AngelikiEvangelia that advice from the psychologist would have been for a particular kind of ADHD drug more suitable for eg keeping up with academic stuff - appropriate when rest of life is “fine”. this does not sound at all “fine” - back to ADHD specialist.

For gods sake don’t listen to the many neurotypicals going on about diet and rock bottom and injections UNTIL he has been seen by a specialist for the disorder he has been diagnosed with - the untreated ADHD will be causing this.

Please do focus on his mental health. His weight should not be the focus. Even being very obese has limited impact on life expectancy in terms of dying young. Sadly the biggest risk of death in young men is suicide which is why his mental health needs to be the priority. I know lots of people are sharing their experiences of weight loss injections but while they are very helpful for lots of people your son can likely lose the weight himself once he's happier.

2XL t-shirt and out of breath?

Is your DS very short?

2XL is not all that big, my DH wear XL-2XL and no one would call him fat by any stretch. He works out (cardio not weights so not 'muscle-y') and is constantly active.

My DS is taller than me but not quite 6 foot yet and tbf very lazy and just had to get 4XL for a suit and I wouldn't say hes 'morbidly' obese though, definately chunky/chubby could maybe stand to lose a bit but nothing morbidly. If I had to compare him for a visual hes built very similar to 'Greg Davis' so stocky/chunky, but while carrying weight I wouldn't say anywhere near 'morbidly' so.

Also I get breathless walking short distances and I'm perfectly healthy weight at 5 foot 7 and 10 stone. Its Asthma symptom and 5.5 million people in the UK have been diagnosed with it and many more live without diagnosis with the most common symptom in the un-diagnosed being breathlessness (its not all coughing fits and inhalers like people 'think', I have never had that and don't use inhalers but can't walk up hills, stairs, run, swim etc... without losing the ability to breath).

Nothing in your post says you should be grieving for the impending doom of your 20 year old from morbid obesity.

It sounds as though he recognises the issue and would like it to be different. Would he be willing to pay for some therapy privately while waiting for NHS?

And/or would he try Overeaters Anonymous? There are online meetings