Can't sleep. Worried that morbidly obese DS is going to die young

[AngelikiEvangelia]

He is 20. His 2XL t-shirts that used to swamp him are now too tight. He gets breathless walking even short distances.

I feel like I'm watching him deteriorate in front of my eyes but there's nothing I can do. His addiction to junk food is too strong.

I keep thinking back to him as a baby, a toddler, a young child and it's breaking my heart. He was so happy, so full of life and energy - and now his life is so small and he's so sad and he just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I can't bear it. I had him quite young and am facing the very real prospect of outliving him if something doesn't change. All I want is for him to be OK.

I do get what you're saying - but do you understand that just standing by while my son's health deteriorates from a preventable cause feels absolutely unbearable to me?

He might not have the realisation that you had. Not everyone recovers.

Completely reasonable to be upset and scared. Very hard to do anything useful apart from offering help and support with therapy etc. deciding to lose weight has to come from him. It’s hard feeling helpless.

I agree that this level of worry around him just being overweight would be disproportionate. But he's not overweight; he's morbidly obese. His health is already being affected and he's only 20 years old.

Of course I'm anxious - wouldn't you be, if he was your child?

Yes I think anyone would be concerned. But you cannot let it take over if he’s not ready to ask for help. Just be there for him when he does decide and he inevitably will.

Does he exercise? If he can find something he enjoys, that might boost his self esteem and obviously will have health benefits too. Or hobbies? I think if he felt happier in himself he might be less likely to binge.

Of course it's a worry for you, but google tells me that being morbidly obese reduces life expectancy by 8 to 15 years, so you're statistically unlikely to outlive him if that makes you feel any better. My brother is very large (approx 25 stone) but is still in pretty good health in his 50s.

There are now so many reports of GLP-1 meds relieving other addictive behaviours that most countries are now exploring how they could be used in this way, even among patients who don't need to lose weight.

It's going to take some time. The most promising developments seem to revolve around oral delivery. For your DS, though, the injections could not only help him reach a healthy weight but also deal with the addiction (you can stay on a maintenance dose after losing weight). Your son might find this aspect encouraging, as he should find his cravings are dialled right down so he could be free of this tyranny without fear of loss.

I understand how scary the prospect of tackling an addiction can be ... I've half a mind to get fatter so I could use the meds to stop smoking!!!

Yes I agree the weight loss injections may be worth a try. Can you afford to get them privately?

I feel for you and it must be heart breaking to watch your son struggling at such a young age. These days there is a lot more understanding about the effect of processed foods causing dopamine surges due to their hyper palatability from unnaturally high levels of fat and sugar. The brain is wired to seek rich food for survival, it tells you to get more and creates powerful cravings, in a similar way to drugs , alcohol and nicotine. Junk food is a hyper normal stimulus and some brains are simply more susceptible than others, as with other substances, ie not everyone who drinks becomes alcoholic, but some do. The problem is the modern food environment promotes processed foods aggressively, they are cheaper than whole natural food and ubiquitously available ie the cornershop. If this pov makes any sense to you, you could check out the work of Dr Doug Lisle who is an American clinical psychologist with decades of experience pioneering these ideas. There are hours of interviews and lectures and podcasts on YouTube etc and he does understand and support parents in your position, although there are no easy answers. That might give you a deeper understanding and be of some help. I've been following his work for over a decade and it's helped me massively. Sincerely wishing you every comfort and success with this very difficult and sensitive issue.

I would ignore all conversations around food because you already know this is his coping mechanism. Instead encourage him to seek mental health support because he's not happy. I think your focus on his weight is misplaced. Don't suggest the injections. He's eating because he's unhappy. If he were happier it's likely he could lose the weight over time. You can self refer for talking therapy on the NHS. It's all done by phone. You can refer yourself online. Alternatively he could speak to his GP.

this sounds hard, sending you a hug op.
I agree with the pp who said start swapping foods like pasta for whole grain brown; get him drinking as much water as you possibly can. What about any exercise- we have a dog because we love him but also because I know it gets everyone moving and it’s a small but very repetitive step every day to walk the dog. Do you have any friends whose dog needs looking after for a short time.. could see if that spurs anything on. Of course brown pasta and a few dog walks won’t solve the problem.. but they are small steps towards something brighter. Get him to the GP aswell. I read the book Ultra Processed People and found it very good. Best of luck xxxx

Read ‘ultra processed people’. Stop buying processed food it is addictive.

When he was on ADHD meds before, did he binge? Because food and dopamine-seeking is an ADHD thing. As well as many of the meds having an effect on appetite, they also have an effect on dopamine seeking.

There are natural and healthy sources of dopamine as well. Sunlight, exercise, cold-plunging, music, love, roller coasters. Losing his job and girlfriend means boredom. And boredom and ADHD make very bad bedfellows.

I think he’s probably heavy into food addiction now and it’s nigh impossible to stop.
There’s a show I watch in the US called “1000 Pound Sisters” - about 2 sisters & their struggles to lose weight.
At first I felt like I was watching a car crash - but these are real people with real feelings. They’re just a little rough around the edges.
One of them weighed over 700lbs - that’s over 50 stone. She stumbled for a long time & had severe health problems. SEVERE.
But now she weighs less than 200 pounds and has had skin removal surgery and she’s doing beautifully!! She’s a whole different person.
I never would have believed it if I hadn’t seen it myself.
The best thing is not to ever let it happen in the first place, but as @AngelikiEvangeliaknows, it isn’t as easy as just talking about it or hounding your kid about it.
He knows - believe me, he knows. And he hates himself for it - and the more he hates himself, the more he eats.
I don’t have any answers, but I DO KNOW he’s lucky to have you, Mum. I’m pretty sure he knows exactly how lucky he is to have you, too.
Sending love from faraway ❤️

Go see his GP in the first instance try to get him referred to tier three dietary help. They'll suggest something in the community first but it's a start down that Rd. Tell your gp how you feel too you need some space n support. We mums have so much invested in our families don't we? Doe he have a bike? Do any of his friends cycle? Could you have a quiet word? Just starting with walking would be a start. Maybe you could help each other? Pick flat walks to begin with. Ignore distance and focus on time. Start with ten minutes out n ten minutes back and build it up to an hour. Can he dance or swim? Both whole body work outs and great fun. Just think of drops in a bucket, slowly slowly the bucket fills with wisdom and motivation. What does do for a job?

@MrsTerryPratchett whenever I can’t sleep and am scrolling mn in the wee hours, I always see you posting around the same times on the same threads 😂💗

Mounjaro. I am absolutely serious. Yes, it is a wonder drug for many, don't listen to the shriekers who wish nobody could access it because they've spent their entire lives starving themselves and doing without and are raging that people who need help can get it.

I have a close family member who could not shift a single pound without starving themselves for days at a time, they weren't even eating masses of junk food etc. certainly NOWHERE NEAR the calorie intake that should have made them as huge as they were but they COULD NOT lose weight without being constantly starving and they just didn't have the ability to endure constant screaming from their brain, constant cravings and constantly feel so hungry.

Because their disgestive system and body was so messed up too they HAD to eat a little bit of something sugary every day which in its turn messed up any attempt to lose weight (despite what the shriekers will tell you it is rarely as simple as calories in calories out for people in this position even if they do manage to keep their calories to a minimum). I have seen them weeping because of this struggle.

They used to wish they could be locked in a basement and only fed meat and vegetables and vitamins for a year because that is the only way they could have lost weight, to have someone force them to go through feeling absolutely awful, starving, nauseous, headachy and cravings and total exhaustion that happened whenever they tried to cut out the sugar and eat a normal amount of calories.

They had insulin resistance although they were not technically diabetic, just pre diabetic for years and years and metabolic syndrome.

Mounjaro shut down all the food noise. Instantly. They actually don't think about food much anymore, and when they do their appetite is small. They have to make sure they eat enough calories each day. And he might be able to get it from a doctor funded by the NSH, but my family member saved a fortune on much not buying snacks and extra food anyway.

It also gave them lots more energy, helped with their stomach issues, brought down their inflammation. It's been nearly miraculous for them.

At this point, what has he got to lose by trying it?

@AngelikiEvangeliaas you mention MH be very careful. My relative was similar very large from teens. They had weight loss surgery in their 30’ and it was a disaster. What we didn’t realise was the eating was tied massively into mental health. When that ability was taken away via the surgery it massively impacted mental health and they started self harming in other ways. They ended up sectioned multiple times / on 121 obs etc. They lost the weight but their quality of life has plummeted due to what they have put their body through in the years since the surgery and they still have numerous medical issues, they have also put much of the weight back on anyway.

With MH you need to fix the reasons for eating not just take the ability away.

Try him on keto - very very effective at hunger curbing and also dealing with addictive eating. Who doesn’t like a fry up? That’s how everybody starts.

is he on antidepressants? Prozac is used for binge eating as well as depression; it might really help him.

Decide just to comment without reading op’s posts, eh?

If you really want to force change I guess there's only a couple of things within your control here:

• make the home cooked meals even more healthy and filling e.g. get rid of empty carbs like bread which will make him crave more carbs, and replace with more protein and healthy fats. Expensive, which leads me to;
• charge him a lot of board so he has less spending money for junk.

As someone with raging food addiction of nearly 40yrs, Mounjaro for life.

i am unchained from binge eating, addiction and obsession and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Plenty of people are very uncomfortable with losing their thin privilege and will suddenly become incredibly concerned about the side effects of these drugs on obese people (whilst just demonstrating scorn for fatties previously) but ignore them.

i haven’t replaced food addiction with another addiction (i don’t even fancy booze or my other previous obsession - Coke Zero - any more), am a healthy bmi (from bmi >40) and have freed up my mind for all the good stuff. It is a miracle and I’ll be on it for life. These results are almost universally reported. I really hope you/ your son can afford it and look into it tomorrow. Best of luck - what a time to be alive - this post would have made me cry with hopelessness a few years ago but now there is hope.

Mounjaro for life is not healthy and not financially possible for a lot of people

Mounjaro for life is not healthy and not financially possible for a lot of people

I have been morbidly obese, I get food addiction. But your son has to want to lose weight, Op. Even (especially?) if he considers WLI. If he hasn't got the right mindset he will continue eating whether he feels hungry or not. WLI are not magic, you have to be committed for them to work.

I would contact this charity as a start - https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/.

It is awful watching your child, adult or not, doing something that harms themselves. Op has every right to feel overwhelmed and worried.

My goodness what an awful reply. You are telling this caring mother to basically not care less about her son’s health.

I really do pity your children to have a very uncaring attitude like yours.

Op so sorry you are going through this. As a mother of course we worry about our children’s health issues that is only natural.
I can only suggest that you encourage him to seek help from his GP.

Please come and chat more to us if it helps.