Can't sleep. Worried that morbidly obese DS is going to die young

[AngelikiEvangelia]

He is 20. His 2XL t-shirts that used to swamp him are now too tight. He gets breathless walking even short distances.

I feel like I'm watching him deteriorate in front of my eyes but there's nothing I can do. His addiction to junk food is too strong.

I keep thinking back to him as a baby, a toddler, a young child and it's breaking my heart. He was so happy, so full of life and energy - and now his life is so small and he's so sad and he just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I can't bear it. I had him quite young and am facing the very real prospect of outliving him if something doesn't change. All I want is for him to be OK.

Sending lots of sympathy, as this must be very painful for both of you, OP. It does sound as if the injections could help break the vicious circle of obesity - unhappiness - comfort eating.

Are you implying that my son isn't actually morbidly obese and I'm just imagining it? I'm very confused by this reply.

Sounds harsh, but does he contribute to the household expenses ... food, electric, council tax etc? I would ask him to pay so he has less money for junk food.

Thank you so much for this advice ❤️

If this was my child and if they were in agreement (obviously) I would absolutely be ordering weight loss injections today. Yes he needs mental health support and yes needs to change his emotion relationship with food but he also really needs to loss weight. Being that overweight can feel all consuming and the thought of losing weight can feel insurmountable but WLI will take that pressure away and hopefully as he starts to see results will feel more motivated to keep going. Used in conjunction with mental health support I think he would be a good candidate for WLI. By all means go through the NHS but it can take quite a long time to get through all the referrals and like a PP mentioned he could have them by Friday/Saturday if you order today.

I have a medical background and don’t believe in quick fixes but I will say now - get him on weight loss injections. Two of my close friends are on Mounjaro - one just didn’t have the motivation to lose the few stone she needed to lose and had always been slightly bigger. The other sounds similar to your son and has a completely emotional attachment to food and used it as a coping mechanism. She was about 6 stone overweight. They’re both now about 3 stone down in approx 8 months of use. It completely shuts down food noise. I have never seen the second friend say no to an offer of a biscuit or snacky thing but now she says no every time, with ease. She said ‘this must be what it’s like to be skinny and just not think about food 24/7’. She said it’s mind-blowing. I know at least another 10 people on it and they are all consistently losing weight. It’s revolutionary and I’d say for the majority of people, weight-loss injections carry far less risks and side-effects than morbid obesity. Most of the people I know on it have the expected side effects of nausea for the first day or two of usage. Check out the weight loss injection threads on Mumsnet.

I wanted to pick up on what you said about his emotional relationship with food.

People eat for all sorts of reasons not just normal eater type hunger.

I have been around the block with diets loosing and gaining six stones at a time but no commercial diet tackled this Emotional and Social and Commercial challenge with food and the gp simply said you need to eat more salad haha helpful not.

There are several commercial versions of the thing I am going to describe below but I use this one and can not speak for others and it has tackled the ‘not real hunger’ side of eating for me very effectively. It isn’t a diet though there is some food advice. It is a 12 week programme then there is a further 18 month programme. I forget exact cost at the start but way less than clubs and jabs and I currently pay 9.99 a month at 12 months in….and it’s the best thing I have ever found for my health.

Slimpod is a track(s) that you listen to it’s a bit like hypnotherapy and neuro linguistic programming and it has a weekly 10 minute video and a bit of homework to do. it is very cheap and is designed to move you towards being a normal Healthy eater.

even if you only listen to the track while you sleep it is supposed to help. What ever is happening in you life and with food and your weight you simply continue to listen daily or overnight. Tracks last a few minutes. There are even online group chats and presentations offered in the price. The programme takes you through all sorts of issues, solutions, techniques and builds your self esteem. If he has concerns about his relationship with food/his weight I would let him know these type of things exists.

Meanwhile he needs to be accepted for who he is not not made to be embarrassed or ashamed about where he is with food and weight.

I am sorry you are worried, it’s hard to navigate I am sure.

Would he consider reaching out to a support group in addition to seeking medical support from his GP? When I was at my highest weight (BMI 40.5) I joined Overeaters Anonymous. It didn’t magically solve all my problems around food, that takes A LOT of work, but the social aspect of being able to share with others who had similar experiences around food really helped in a way that the likes of weight watchers and slimming world didn’t for me.

Might be something to consider?

I have no advice as I am in the same position but wanted to say I totally understand your fears as I have them too. My ds is 20 in a couple of months time and over the last few years has put on a massive 7 stone. He's not depressed but I have believed for years that he is neurodiverse (I have adhd).

DS has admitted to me that he is addicted to junk food. When he was growing up he was always slim and active but since he has been driving and working and able to buy his own food he buys without giving nutrition or his body any thought. In March I pushed him to go to the GP and she sent him for a scan because his liver enzymes were very very high, turns out he has a fatty liver. The GP advised him to lose weight and then have the blood tests again in July, if they were elevated still then he would need to see a liver specialist but he went ballistic and is refusing to have his bloods tested again. I have spoken to him this morning and asked if he would like to go to a weight loss group, I said I would accompany him and he has agreed but I have my doubts he will attend but I try to remain positive.

I feel your worry and anxiety over this, it's hard not to stress. I am so stressed about my son's health, his adult life is only just beginning and he's not starting on a great platform right now.

So you think nothing anyone does as an adult in life is anyone else’s business. Don’t be silly.

If someone needs help it’s fine for someone else to make suggestions and help. Just because he is an adult it doesn’t stop OP being his mother.

I'm type 2 diabetic OP and really struggled with my weight for years. Then suddenly my meds stopped working and I was facing going on insulin. I was desperate to avoid this (my Dad was on it aged 40) and so I started doing some research online. I found some strong evidence about low carbing so that's what I decided to try. And believe me, once you stop eating starchy carbs/sugar/emulsified fats out of your diet, all those cravings disappear. I've lost 4.5 stone and am off all but 1 of my meds. That's what this bollocks around "food noise" is - and jabs aren't the answer, you need to get him on board with a complete lifestyle change. There is already evidence that it's only a temporary solution and that most put all the weight back on the moment they stop the jabs. It's not easy, but I'd have a blunt and honest conversation about how he's taking decades off his life with this diet he's got and you want to help. He needs to replace his food addiction for a healthier one - find an exercise he likes, or something that helps him stop thinking about food. It's not easy.

Just present the problem to him as you see it.

Remind DS that a doctor thought medication could be needed for his weight. Suggest that you see that it is true.
He needs to go on Ozempic. You will go with him to the doctor and will pay for half the medication.
See how that goes? He will find eating junk food is uncomfortable.
At the same time go for an evening walk with DS for your own fitness - require his company for your safety.

I'm not sure if this is helpful but what about the likes of Slimming World if it is available where you are? There are some real success stories there, from people who were over 25-30 stone in weight. Obviously see a doctor for advice too but it has really helped people.

Hi OP, really sorry to hear this and I totally understand why you’re so upset - he’s your boy!

I have some addictive tendencies with junk food - none of my friends would ever know because I’m slim and normally very healthy, but 2/3 times a month I’ll go into what I call a ‘loop’ and can’t stop eating crisps. It’s really very emotional and a horrible frantic feeling of not being able to eat enough. I have read a lot on Reddit about addictive eating, and have a variety of techniques that help me get out of the loop. Taking a v low dose of SRIs has also helped me get into fewer loops too.

Sending love x

Hi OP, really sorry to hear this and I totally understand why you’re so upset - he’s your boy!

I have some addictive tendencies with junk food - none of my friends would ever know because I’m slim and normally very healthy, but 2/3 times a month I’ll go into what I call a ‘loop’ and can’t stop eating crisps. It’s really very emotional and a horrible frantic feeling of not being able to eat enough. I have read a lot on Reddit about addictive eating, and have a variety of techniques that help me get out of the loop. Taking a v low dose of SRIs has also helped me get into fewer loops too.

Sending love x

i recently lost 3 stone at slimming world - not everyone’s idea of a plan of action (people have visions of it being like that little Brittain sketch!!) but my experience absolutely wasn’t.

im morbidly obese starting weight 18 stone and have lost 3 stone in 3 months and the plan works for me. I’ve met some lovely new friends and we meet up for walks and coffee et. And it’s been a game changer.

I thought about mounjaro but I didn’t meet the criteria so gave this a go and got a free 12 week membership from the doctors which now I pay for myself it was £60 for 12 weeks so in effect you get 2 weeks free.

is this something he’d consider? There’s people all ages at my group and there’s a social committee who organise walks, coffees, cinema and theatre trips, Christmas do’s, we have a bbq next week and things like that can really lift your mood if your struggling. Have a look at the slimming world website see what you think

absolute game changer for me I want to loose 7 stone, 3 down 4 to go but I’m trying.

and ignore all these cruel people making comments about him being an adult, yes he is but sounds like he very much needs his Mum and is lovely to have a Mum who is there for him and cares xx

OP I couldn't leave your message unanswered, although I don't have actual answers other than yes try to get him on a weight loss drug - anything is worth a go. I'm not in your situation (yet) but feel like I'm heading there. DS1 is 18. He has autism and is very much addicted to food - mostly the instant gratification kind.
I lock away what I can, but of course he can buy his own food. He isn't morbidly obese (yet) but he is obese although he carries it evenly so its not so very obvious. I worry so much - he has no friends and doesn't leave the house unless I take him somewhere. He is very aware of it, but can't control it.

I have also always had weight issues, but am no longer obese because of taking a weight loss drug, and he knows this as I told him when I started. DS1 is very wary of it though - I have to leave him to make decisions about stuff like that in his own time - I thought that by observing me lose the weight he may want to try - but nothing yet.
I feel bad because this is something he's inherited from me (his dad is skinny and his younger brother has never had any food issues - he is one of those kids who loves a treat but just stops when he's had enough.) I am the same - yes technically he's an adult but he's an adult that shares my home and still needs my support.

where did I say she shouldn’t care less? Can you quote that bit?

of course it’s normal for her to be concerned about her son, but she cannot make him lose weight- he’s an adult man. She can help him but only if he wants to be helped.

i pity your children for their mother not being able to read

For life is not healthy mentally alone as it doesn’t change your brain ie why you eat lots. Therapy is needed alongside.

If he can hardly walk because of his breathing I think he might get in! He probably has all sorts of other health problems if he is that heavy. This is the type of person the weight loss jabs are meant for.

Does he want to lose weight that is the most important question or has he sort of given up on himself?

I vomited even micro dosing on mounjaro (not even the lowest dose) and ended up in hospital after suffering seizures as my medication came up. Some people do find the side effects unmanageable.

Sadly even if you’re really obese you can’t get it on the NHS unless you also have two of the following

• dyslipidaemia (abnormal fat levels in the blood)
• hypertension (high blood pressure)
• obstructive sleep apnoea (when your breathing stops and starts while you sleep)
• cardiovascular disease (heart and blood vessel disease)
• type 2 diabetes mellitus

you also have to be referred to weight management which can take around two years. They don’t just hand you a pen and let you get on with it unless you choose to go private and buy it online.

Therapy might be needed for some people. But again, there's nothing yet published that provides evidence that it is needed for all people. Again, you are making assumptions.

One of my adult children works in community mental health and they say that weight loss injections can be a game changer for many of their patients. I hope you son can get the support he needs for his mental and physical health - the 2 are so linked.

And as good as these injections can be, I think it’s tactless going on about them until we know mum and son could afford them. For a lot of people £100 odd a month is unattainable.