Can't sleep. Worried that morbidly obese DS is going to die young

[AngelikiEvangelia]

He is 20. His 2XL t-shirts that used to swamp him are now too tight. He gets breathless walking even short distances.

I feel like I'm watching him deteriorate in front of my eyes but there's nothing I can do. His addiction to junk food is too strong.

I keep thinking back to him as a baby, a toddler, a young child and it's breaking my heart. He was so happy, so full of life and energy - and now his life is so small and he's so sad and he just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I can't bear it. I had him quite young and am facing the very real prospect of outliving him if something doesn't change. All I want is for him to be OK.

This is what I came to ask. He has ADHD and compulsive eating is a symptom of that. My AuDHD child is also a compulsive eater and was becoming very overweight. I was having to hide food in increasingly obscure places and trying to make sure he had 3 square meals a day and then I’d bring out snacks in small amounts. He was eating his entire lunch allowance at break time at school, despite having had a decent breakfast and then calling me for more money.

Fortunately my child is very active which did mitigate some of the damage but even that became difficult. After trying multiple medications that triggered migraine, he’s now settled on Elvanse and it’s been transformative. The cravings have gone and his calorie intake has dropped significantly. He’s lost 3 kg and feels much better. The weight loss is monitored so that that doesn’t become another issue. That would be my go to here. I really feel for both of you because it’s so difficult to manage. Good luck!

You mention mental health. His overeating is likely a coping mechanism to whatever is hurting him. Dealing with the root cause and finding out what is hurting him will help him.

I would also support him in getting out and about and doing things together focusing on being present and having fun and in turn he will be more active which is a good thing. This will help his mental health and his activity levels.

Focusing on that he 'doesn't want to stop or cut down' and reframe it to 'he isn't ready yet as something is too much for him to handle' is a better way of looking at it.

To add, the ADHD medication has had what appears to me to be a similar effect to the injections, removing the “food noise”. I would absolutely approach this first before considering injections because they may be counter indicative anyway.

OP, I can appreciate how concerning this must be for you.
He has ADHD, and is using food in some way to get his dopamine, and also, seems to have an emotional need for food to "support" him, as he is becoming more reliant on food, he is becoming physically unhealthy, and you're concerned about implications of his long term health.
I was in a pretty similar situation at his age, and I spent years- infact all of my 20s i was on and off diets and begging the GP to help me. By 2020 I had ballooned up to 23stone 10lb, and by that point, honestly the only thing I enjoyed about life was food.

Now, at 34, im in the process of undoing it all.
In 2020 I had a gastric sleeve (which I don't reccommend for your son! If food is an emotional crutch, then the risks of seriously hurting himself are huge- by changing the addiction to alcohol or something else! Or being sick from continuing to over eat runs risks of sleeve rupture and oesophagus tears)

However, what has been useful for me, is starting therapy for binge eating disorder through the eating disorder service which has helped me to undo a lot of the "diet" mindset that was reinforcing the cycle of binge, restrict, binge, binge. Hate myself, binge some more!
And also GLP medication. It turns off food noise, and allows the space to make healthier decisions and I'm not hungry like a bear whilst on it! The only one thing I will say, is that he needs to try and unpick his relationship with food at the same time. It is also a drug many will need to use for the rest of their lives to keep on top of their weight.

If he can start to do some exercise, even getting him to walk half an hour each day is a great start.
He could break it up into 2/3 walks if he has to. Water exercise is great- swimming, walking in water, and aquasize are all really good options whilst he focuses on building his health.
He may also benefit from getting a smart watch, just so he can see his step count, and can work on improving it gradually.

As he loses weight, please try and get him to enjoy things that he can't currently enjoy. It really helps to move life on from his worst.

My journey has been a bit up and down, I went from 23stone 10, to 13stone 9. I then put on about 5 stone, but restarted on GLP 1s, exercising when I can and making better choices. I'm currently 15stone 7. I've come to accept food will never be "easy" for me to navigate, and I need to have a lot of coping mechanisms in place to stop myself from falling back into using food as a comfort.

Right, his health is already suffering, so make it worse? Terrible advice.

You can make sure you don't have junk food in the house. No crisps, biscuits chocolate etc. Then if he gets the munchies at least he will snack on real food as opposed to junk. Only buy brown bread and pasta not white. If be talking to him about having some help from GP. Maybe they can put him on a weight loss program and give him injections. If not can you afford to buy him some weight loss meds to get him started. Once he loses a stone or 2 he will feel better and be more motivated to continue. It must be very hard for you.

Oh also, if you're going down the jab route, most GPs won't give them unless for diabetes at the moment, privately I'd reccommend Shemed- they're who I'm currently using. I think they're £159 a month for 12 months, which includes when the doses increase. A weekly check in is included.
I only don't know their price as I signed up to their program early when it was only £99 a month.
They send a proper kit the first month, 100 needles in a box (teeny tiny BTW! I think they're 3mm in size!) and medications for the most common side affects. Felt quite special... even if I didn't need them, I felt prepared.

It must be hard for him. Food addiction is really hard to break out of. It's not like drugs or booze where with willpower you can fully abstain. I do think WLI might be a good idea. Though obviously he needs to want to do it.

There's groups called OA which is like AA for food addiction. Maybe you could even offer to come with him to this for the first couple of times as it might be daunting being in a group setting. But hearing people candidly speak of their struggles can be really helpful.

I really hope things improve for him.

I'm so sorry that you and your son are going through something similar 💐

Your last sentence is exactly how I feel. He's only just starting out in life. It's so hard.

OP this isn’t something a diet and exercise alone will solve. You know that. He needs proper mental health support, moderate sustainable changes to his diet and exercise (no point buying wholemeal everything if he then goes on to eat twice as much satisfying his cravings). His overeating is a symptom of his mental health so maybe medication should be a consideration. I was very reluctant for my daughter to take it but it has transformed her ability to cope with life. It’s also important that he has social connections (which is easier said than done) and activities that give him purpose. Would he do some volunteering? It’s a great way of boosting his self esteem. I don’t agree that you have issues with anxiety as someone has suggested, it’s normally when you see destructive behaviour in your children to feel anxious and I also don’t agree that it’s not your business. He needs support and that’d be the case for any friend or family member displaying those behaviours, it’s not easy to seek help for yourself when you’re in a dark place. Being that person who provides a loving safe home, space to talk, advocating for him when he can’t, nutritious food and gentle encouragement for self care is sometimes all you can do. If within those discussions he agrees you can support him to make doctor appointments etc then that is when you’ll feel you’re helping when in actual fact, all the other stuff is probably even more valuable.

I've heard this as well - I'm interested as DD1 is diaginsed with ADHD - think DS may have it - and DN has it.

My Dad struggled with weight is whole life - he was in hopsital a year and that when the issues started or least blamed - he was morbidly obese most of his life - losing loads of weight a few times (to point I'd stuggle to recongise him in photos) lived to 80.

He developed type II diabetes at 50 and managed it well till his 70 when - last decade was had moblity and leg ulcers and other health conditions and I know he had untreated sleep apena as it kept rest of us awake most of my childhood - uniterested GP. Given that it wwas his cousins kids who were first in 80s diagoosed with ADHD and two of his GC are diagonsed with ADHD - and one looking into it - I really wonder if food noise was an issue for him.

Weight is a risk factor but in his 20s he was pleanty of time to turn things around - support helps - getting him exercising with you - walks etc - and getting back on the ADHD medication - and if that doesn't help then saving up and trying the injections or going to weight loss groups with him.

"Plus size" - god how I wish this minimising and infantilising language would get in the bin. OP's son is morbidly obese to the point it's a serious threat to his health and very life.

OP, you sound like a lovely, caring mum ❤️.
Plenty of good advice on here, I really hope it helps you.

Tell him. He needs to hear it. It might be the wake up call he needs. He can't be truly happy like that. No-one is.

Sending sympathies - it is so incredibly hard to watch someone doing this to themselves.

My DD is not overweight but has some poor eating habits - I feel like I'm biting my tongue all the time.

Things do seem to have improved a bit since last summer (she's a student) - so I'm hoping things will get better as she matures.

Ok, I am fat/ overweight/ obese delete as applicable. I wear what is considered plus size clothing, hence I said plus size. daft thing to pick on

ffs. Don't do this catastrophising I was very very obese as a child. So obese my mother could barely find clothes to fit me. I grew into my age a bit between 9 amd 14 but then got very overweight again . I have been dieting for 30-40 years but am still obese- morbidly obese now

I can tell you this as a 62 year old. Apart from this one failure, I have had a good life so far I am not pre diabetic or diabetic. I don't have high blood pressure. I don't need a walker of stick to walk. I am not in a weelchair. I have had a life where I hike, where I skied and sailed, drove motorbikes, done white water rafting, snorkelling, diving. I lift weights 1-2 times awek, do daily mobilising exercises, walk regularly and. Yes my life may get much worse in the next 10 years if I stay fat but youur son is 20!!

Your son sounds depressed and unhappy. Help him with that first. Ignore the weight unless he brings it up . Once he feels better about himself he will probably decide to do something about the weight but even if he only loses some weight or struggles with it his wholel life, he can still have a good long life as long as he takes care of himself. He needs to take care of himself and if that means starting with an acceptance than he might always be fat , then that is fine. Then he can move to exercise to make him feel better and eating better because he values himself

When people on here get angry about 'fat acceptance' culture saying it normalises fat, they are wrong. Fat is normalised because so many people are fat. If we want to become less fat and stay less fat - it is about being kind to ourselves - and that might start with accepting that being fat does not mean your life is over.

I am not going to tell you you that my life might not have been better without my food addiction (and you are right that is what it is) but it is in no way definite that he will die young or have a terrible life. He is still young and has time

Listen to the advice on here about how to help him. I won't give any because I haven't solved my obesity problem so how can I advise but some people do so keep trying with him.

But even if he doesn't solve it, he can have a good life if he focuss on his life and what he wants to do with it more than how fat he is. You need to do this too

I’d charge 50 odd a week for board and put it aside in the background to give back for car or savings later when this is sorted. The reality is you can’t buy with what you don’t have so there won’t be much left for junk food. In tandem, I’d also get him into counselling to address the root cause, if you can afford private I’d be making it a priority.

What about a dog? As well as the above, I’d consider this if you could give a dog a good home, although appreciate this may not be possible as you must take a long term view on it. I’d then make it a ‘him job’ to walk it to start and introduce some physical exercise.

I’d second suggesting GLP1 medication too. My DS was in a similar situation size 3xl, nearly 21st at 16 (had covid 4x, glandular fever, is on the autism spectrum so wasn’t v good at recognising when he is full) and was put on these by a paediatric endocrinologist. A year on, he has lost 5.5 stone, just a 1-1.5st over weight but still losing steadily, is a size L/XL (he’s 6ft 3 so will never be much less that size) and his self esteem has rocketed.

He has learned so much more about portion sizes and which types of food suit him (lower carb, no second servings, pizza is a treat and he can save half for another day etc). He also now understand exactly what feeling hungry and feeling full is (as you progress, the medication wears off later in the week and you begin to learn what being hungry really feels like, as opposed to being thirsty or anxious). He also found he was less anxious, rarely has migraines any more and has been open to discovering new foods so that he happily eating vegetables and fruit now without any pestering from me and dad.

I also took this medication for 18m to lose 6.5st (covid/lockdown/menopause meant a similar weight gaining journey).

If you can afford it, I would suggest it to him (I saved money on the grocery bill, so found we broke even on cost).

Elvanse and Vyvanse = same thing, it’s very very good for ADHD, and will stabilise the dopamine levels so the need to binge eat dissipates.

My Mum went through this with me. It was horrible for her. I also had/have mental health problems (diagnosed with OCD and clinical depression at age 13, these days I’d probably be diagnosed with autism too but I’m female and high functioning so those diagnosis were rarer 20 years ago). I went from just being slightly overweight in my late teens to morbidly obese (23 stone) in my early 20’s. I also tried to take my own life.

I’m now in my 40’s, with a child and only slightly overweight. All that helped me was time, counselling (I had to wait for 3 years to get it on the NHS but it did help when I eventually got it) and knowing I had my parents love and support. They didn’t push me to lose weight (I lost about 11 stone in total), I had to want to do it for myself. For me having a goal helped- personally I wanted to lose enough weight to have children.

I’m not saying your son will be the same, but wanted to share my story in case in gives you some hope. Early 20’s are still a difficult time - as your brain is still developing, and you often aren’t yet sure what you want from life but can see your peers often becoming more “successful” than you or at least seeming surer of themselves. Things may be very different for him in even 5 years time, but it will need to be his choice and he will need to find his own reasons to want to get better. You are doing everything you can by showing/telling him you love him and trying to get him counselling ❤️

I am on WLI and honestly can say, it breaks the emotional attachment to food. The food noise, which is what makes your son go and eat in the night, will disappear. Please urge him to go back to his GP.

Then you're as much of an idiot as your other posts indicate.

Oh! I misread - you said DM, I thought you meant my post.

In which case you're actually just a liar. I haven't DM'd you or anyone else, as MNHQ will confirm when I report your post.