Can't sleep. Worried that morbidly obese DS is going to die young

[AngelikiEvangelia]

He is 20. His 2XL t-shirts that used to swamp him are now too tight. He gets breathless walking even short distances.

I feel like I'm watching him deteriorate in front of my eyes but there's nothing I can do. His addiction to junk food is too strong.

I keep thinking back to him as a baby, a toddler, a young child and it's breaking my heart. He was so happy, so full of life and energy - and now his life is so small and he's so sad and he just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I can't bear it. I had him quite young and am facing the very real prospect of outliving him if something doesn't change. All I want is for him to be OK.

I can identify with a lot of what your son has going on, I think.

I am of the opinion that no matter what the reason for your overeating, the injections can help. When it comes to reducing food intake and improving insulin resistance etc, it doesn’t really matter what the reason is…the result will still be weight loss. In the meantime it will be important to focus on the reasons so that the loss is sustainable.

Also, any change in habits and weight loss at this stage will help to get him out of this rut. The jabs will help with that. Perhaps when he has lost some weight through them he will feel more confident in job hunting or taking up exercise that will help moving forward.

I would try to move forward with getting them privately asap. One thing is that you say your DS doesn’t want to cut down? I am not sure what you mean, whether he doesn’t want to or whether he is unwilling/unable to try due to his food addiction but at the same time wishes he did want/feel able to try? It will obviously be better if it’s the latter but as long as he will comply with doing the injections they should still help. They have to be worth a try, as long as you have no significant family history of thyroid cancer and as long as he has been through the right checks online with a reputable supplier who will have a health questionnaire.

Obviously I am making the big assumption that you can afford the jabs privately, even if you can get the GP to refer to weight management as the people the NHS covers will be changing as time goes on.

If possible try not to be fretful and stressed about this around him as I feel that could drive him into more guilt, pressure and stress eating. Somehow need to find the fine line that avoids that but keeps a firm suggestion of life being easier for him if he takes these meds!

Get him on mounjaro injections ASAP. It has been a game changer for me. I don't think obsessively about food and it is so freeing.

It’s very difficult but try not to catastrophise his weight. Young people especially men can shift it very easily once the calories drop.
Also you eat healthily at home so really it’s just cutting out junk, which is his current lifestyle choice.

Any rugby clubs near you? Perfect for young overweight men and women. Larger sized people are an asset ( so quite affirming) but you soon work out you need to fit too. So it gives you a reason to exercise. Plus it’s new friends, hobby for the CV and something to fill the void.

And jabs of course work really well for most.

My DS says they have improved her mental health. She has more energy so she’s exercising, making healthier food choices, the food noise has gone and her self esteem has improved.

it may not fix all mental health conditions but it may contribute to an improved state of mind maybe.

Yes, I would go with these, but I’d also go further as you say this is an addiction. I’d treat the worst offenders here - the Dr Pepper/any similar drink and ice cream - like drugs and I would get rid of them. I would be clear with him that he should be drinking water or eating fruit or carrot sticks etc in the middle of the night, not the sugar- loaded stuff. I deal with my food cravings by not having the worst offenders in, or not much - biscuits and chocolate. DH would rightly complain if I ate as much of them as I really want to. I entirely uunderstand that desire to eat awful food. There is a level of accountability I face as DH’s salary pays for our food bills.

Somehow you need to stop him bringing this stuff into the house- or removing it when it’s there. If my DSs were bringing vapes or weed into the house I would get rid of them. I would not tolerate either in my house. I think in your situation I would sit him down and say these need to go and you will bin them from now on.

Sorry you're so worried and stressed about your son.

Why did you send him for therapy when he was younger? For the ADHD?? Just wondering, could he be autistic? When I see all the talk about ADHD I alway wonder how many who are diagnosed with it are actually autistic. I believe it is most often a symptom of autism rather than a stand alone condition. High rate of eating disorders in undiagnosed autistics. Sometimes a diagnosis can alleviate feelings of inadequacy or other negative emotions that can lead to an eating disorder. Eating disorders can be a kind of addiction.

I hope your worry and anxiety ease a bit for you soon. It's always worst in the middle of the night. 🤗

Right, this is exactly what they have been telling me. The effort is minimal, their brain is different, their body is different, and it is though a switch was flipped overnight. No need for hypnosis, or counselling, they are just fixed.

Exercise is a given as they have so much more energy and don't feel sick all the time.

Amazing. Just incredible to see them losing weight, having energy, feeling so much better PHYSICALLY in so many ways.

I was watching a discussion on it and they said it is a man made solution to a man made problem. The massive numbers of obese people are NOT just because they are all scoffing too much food. Our food chains are broken and there's lots more going on.

You say you have spoken about it and he is not sure what would replace it. I think that is the way in. Start to replace the addiction without trying to stop it. Add something good without any pressure at all to take away something bad.

I'd chat with him and say: we both know the junk food is addictive and it could be very hard for you to stop right now. But we both know you'd love to be free from that addiction and regain the energy and mental health you'd have from eating more healthily (don't mention weight at all.) So please can we build some good habits into your life that might support you over time, better than addictive habits?

The first is exercise. Any body weight exercise, if you are obese, is good because he is already load bearing a phenomenally heavy weight - so squats, or sit/stand/sit/stand versions of squats. (Squats are the best exercise ever for sedentary people, as they make it easier to spring out of a chair. Jacks, or just single side step jacks; knee raises, marching on the spot. He only needs to do these for two minutes each hour to start to see and feel an improvement very quickly. Also suggest a short walk in nature every day. You could go out at dusk together, or even for a night walk if he feels self-conscious.

I have to ask: is he on anti-depressants? because they can generate absolutely ungovernable carb cravings in some people. And they can also create weight gain even if you don't change your diet. I put on two stone when I was on anti-depressants for too long. Citalopram was the worst offender for this, for me. If he is, maybe he could discuss trying a different med which is less likely to cause cravings.

Also, ADHD meds - if he has ADHD – will help regulate cravings, without any of the side effects of drugs like Ozempic. So keep pushing for this, Or ask him to give you a large chunk of his UB each week, to put into savings towards a private consultation with an NHS-approved ADHD clinician.

I would actually reproduce the food that he craves but at home.

He likes fried chicken and chips, for example? Make it. Either use oven chips or home made chips. Shallow fry the chicken in olive oil. He craves McDonald's? Make burgers at home.
Part of the issue is him eating his ordinary healthy meals and then seeking out junk food on top of it. If he had just eaten fried chicken and chips would he also order fried chicken and chips?

This way he might begin to drop the habit of eating additional meals after meals - if you can get him out of the snacking habit that's a first step. Then and only then, gradually alter his meals. Add some salad. Grill the chicken. You get the idea.

In your place I would be deeply concerned..I am not in the " He's an adult, leave him to it' camp. I will be concerned about my kids till I die. And be authoritative too.

And yeah, they are reporting almost no side effects. A little bit of nausea on the day of the jab, and some reduced sleep, and that's on the larger doses.

Like other addictions, he has to want to change.

I think if I were you I'd try and focus on the fact that we live in an age now where there is treatment for obesity, that's a great thing.

All you can do is offer to be there for him if he does want to tackle it.

When he is ready (and I'm sure it's when not if), he can take the injections

If he is on UC that is really not alot of money, how is he affording all of the junk? To get to his size takes upwards of 4000/5000 kcals a day, every day (at least).

If you are helping him out with any money, paying for anything at all, including not charging rent, I would stop that immediately. It's not cruelty, you'll be saving his life.

Make sure there are no 'treats' at all in the house. Treat this like you would a drug addiction.

Really at his size he has two options. Calorie counting, which sounds boring but is the only thing that actually works. Or calorie counting with GLP injections if he can't manage the hunger on his own (it is very difficult for someone to do themselves once they've hit a certain weight)

What about trying a personal trainer, or even buying some weights and looking at some online stuff to get the right technique? They don’t have to be heavy to start.
Is his Dad in his life? Maybe something he could do with another bloke?

My weight has varied by about 3 stone but at 5ft nothing that means being between slim to very overweight. The best way for me to lose weight is to go low carb. It is tough to start, but once you take out the sugar, wheat and potatoes, you lose your appetite, but have boundless energy. It might help if one of you could also do the same way if eating. I find it suits me to be clear cut about what I can and cannot eat, no weighing portions, or faffing about. Don’t replace full sugar coke with no sugar coke, just cut it out, drink several litres of water each day.

I have kept most of that weight off for several years now. If I feel my waistband getting tighter I reinforce the regulations for a month, then relax slightly if I’m in holiday etc. but always as little sugar and wheat as possible.

I realised as I’m reviewing this that you don’t really need actual dietary advice so I apologise if this is seen as unhelpful. It’s really that I wanted to stress how much you lose the craving for sugar and unhealthy food and how it is replaced by energy!

That’s how the poster @simsbustinoutmimiposts on threads across the board.

If the food isn't there, he will just have to do without. I know we have had loads of crap lying around all summer. Once schools are back next week it's just fruit for everyone in our house. One of my DC could be soon heading in your DS's direction if I don't start being strict ...my own weight has been piling on too. It isn't easy.

Believe me, while on Mounjaro it definitely WOULD work. If he can get down to a smaller size it would help his confidence and sociaI life massively. Hopefully the doctor can prescribe on NHS as sadly it’s very expensive self funding it, but it’s a game changer for just about everyone I know that’s been on it

is he seeing a therapist?

Weight loss injections will completely remove his desire to eat. I have been on them for four months now and have lost 3 stone. I’ve been an emotional eater since a teen (I am 54).

it’s completely changed my life. Probably saved it to be honest.

Whilst waiting for a therapy appointment could you afford to fund the injections for him? If of course he was willing to try them. It’s not easy to admit you have a problem with any substance. This is exactly the same for him as weed or alcohol.

I feel so sorry for you and your son. I used to be a compulsive eater but overcame it. I would recommend hypnotherapy, it has helped me alot.

Could you encourage him to make one very small change - e.g. cut out one type of junk food that he is eating, or have one day a week where he doesn't eat junk? If he is afraid of losing the emotional crutch of eating, it needs to be approached in a way that is manageable and not scary.

If he can manage one very small change, he can then move on to add another small change - tiny steps.

The 'one day at a time' approach is also useful, he needs to think "I am choosing not to eat (e.g.) crisps today, I can have crisps tomorrow if I want" rather than "I am facing the rest of my life never eating crisps again."

He needs to tackle (or, want tackle) the emotional side. Therapy is probably a good step (was for me, although you have to be prepared that it might open a can of worms!). Good to see why the food became an emotional crutch in the first place.

Also, PP said WLI don’t change your state of mind. They did for me! My mind is so much clearer and I’m not thinking about food 24/7. That’s pretty big!

Do you charge him rent? How much spare money does he have to buy junk food?

Hello OP. I hope I can help.

I get the worry. My daughter put on four stone at boarding school but she's back to a normal size. She was bullied. She's SEN. She uses a food tracking app. She gorged on sugar too. Cake hidden under the bed. She has regular counselling.

I'm a more complex story. My teenage years in the 1970s were dominated by diet pills and clubs. My mother was a beauty who didn't want me to get fat (I'm 5'10''and was a size 12). Ridiculous looking back.
When she died I spent nearly twenty years obese (bmi 43) and alcohol dependant.
In 2022 I started therapy for the booze. £50 a week. I uncovered an unhappy childhood which explained the sticking plaster of food and drink. I started to lose weight. I'm now six stone lighter and sober. I wish I'd looked like I do now in my forties.
I did try Wegovy but due to gallstones I couldn't take it. However I know many that have and it's changed their life. My sales director has lost five stone and he's been seriously overweight since he was a child. Other posters are right it does stop the food noise. It does it for alcohol too but you haven't mentioned that.
I strongly recommend therapy. It's very freeing. My daughter just discussed music and dogs initially. We both tell each other when we need an appointment!
Could you join a gym with him? I know it will have gym bros but if he's not working you could go in the day. Pure Gym is about £30 a month.
The docs book on UPF is an eye opener.
Good luck x