How to tell my friend who lives in Saudi to stop bloody patronising me!

[SomeLikeitSnot]

My friend lives in KSA with her family and LOVES it. Loves having a live in maid, pool on site, glitz and glamour. Great- v happy for her! Shes in the UK over summer visiting and we are seeing her a lot and shes driving me INSANE.
Shes taken on this real 'aw poor you stuck in UK its sooo hard here' mentality and I find it so grating. I have no inclination to move to Saudi/the middle east and her acting like Im jealous of her life is becoming so tiresome.
When we are chatting she will keep saying 'sorry I'll stop going on about the sun and lifestyle it must be hard to hear!' when I honestly couldnt care less. Sounds great for her and I love the stories- I also love the UK countryside/weather/culture/all our friends and family. I think she feels me prickling and thinks is jealousy.
I remember from visiting friends in the UAE everyone is v anti-UK and thinks its a shithole and theres a real feeling of people 'escaping' to the ME but I really don't mind it here and I want to say something to cut out the comments.
She is a friend so I wont want to make a sarky comment about womens rights/death penalty etc just a 'please stop feeling sorry for me, I dont want your life'!

She might be a friend, and you might not want to make sarky comments to her about womens' rights/death penalty etc in her country of choice.
But being a friend isn't stopping her from making sarky comments to you, is it?

next time she says “it must be so hard to hear” I would look a bit baffled and say “no, not at all Jane, I’m delighted you’re enjoying it but it wouldn’t be for me.”

Funnily enough, adult DD and I were having a conversation about Dubai yesterday, and we both came to the exact same conclusion. There is absolutely nothing there that either of us could possibly want, and all the things that people choose to go there for are things that we would avoid like the plague.

"Wow, you must really miss being over there. Any chance you could get an earlier flight back? Maybe you could stay there for a lot longer this time."

No idea why you’d want to live Saudi. Some of the resorts on the sea coast are beautiful but it’s still bloody Saudi Arabia. They live a very very sanitised life.

Ive been to Dubai twice, both times just before Covid. I went on holiday but not a proper holiday just to visit my dad’s partner who was living there at the time. And it’s nice enough but there’s sweet fuck all to do as it’s so damn hot and for westerners everything is so controlled in a way. Obviously not as controlling for those who live there but god I would go back. Let alone live there and brag about it.

I live in Saudi. Love the money and the job. Can’t beat the UK for music culture and humour. All my good Saudi pals come from my part of the UK. I love coming home, but will be happy to go back. You can have the best of both.

She's trying to convince herself

in a similar vein I have a friend that’s recently retired. He’s always saying “oh sorry I shouldn’t mention the W word” (work) and saying How sorry he feels for me having to work. I love work. I don’t want to retire. He’s driving me mad.

If you find the perfect retort, let me know.

I agree
If she was completely happy and secure in her choices she wouldn't do this
Feel sorry for her

Yes this would be really annoying. It’s a real talent to have a life that is glamorous and to talk about it without either doing down or patronising your friends - I do have friends who can manage it. A bit different in this case as I can’t imagine a single cell of my body wanting to move to KSA for any money. Is she protesting a bit too much?? Just make sure you don’t find yourself running down your own life in contrast, and maybe take her for some nice British things, pub walk, comedy gig, family bbq etc. In the end don’t begrudge her the chance to boast a bit, she’ll get over it.

Just say ‘I don’t know how I’ve given you that impression, I like hearing your anecdotes’,

personally I’d be encouraging her to the point that she had nothing new left to tell me at which point I’d join in with her so she can understand exactly how much she goes on.

I would just say, "I'm so glad you're loving it - but I'm very happy here and wouldn't want to move. Each to their own and all that....."

I have a friend who moved a few years ago to live very rurally. VERY rurally. She is absolutely the happiest I've ever seen her. I'd rather tear my own eyes out with my toenails than live there. I'm happy for her. She totally gets its not something I would ever do.

So she regales me with her vegetable garden and the orchard stories, and updates me on the home gym her DH has built and all the rest and I love to hear it because it makes her so happy. And then I tell her that when I come to visit I'm going to stay in a hotel in the nearest town (30 minutes away)!

Just playing devils advocate… I always think when someone is blathering on and on so, “Who exactly are you trying to convince?”
I just don’t think happy people feel the need for that kind of validation.
Ex-pat life is hard- my parents did it for years in a much more liberal setting than KSA and still found it knackering at times.
Not saying she’s not behaving like an idiot, OP. I think all you can do is actually say “Are you all right, Jane? I get the impression that you’d like me to be jealous of your life and in fact I quite enjoy my own.” If anything maybe it will make her reflect on how she’s coming across.

Say "No, it isn't at all hard to hear, I am glad you are enjoying the choices you have made with your life but I am completely happy with my life here in the UK, I like living here for many reasons. But please, do tell me more about KSA..."

I had to edit because I am pedantic about grammar. And thought I'd add, that last bit appears sarcastic but was not meant to be!

Is it her first trip home?

Agree. It’s a common tactic. I know someone who has moved to a different part of the country and when she’s been to visit is always slagging off the London traffic etc. Adamant she’d never move back. Not even a lottery win could tempt her. She knows she’s dropped a bollock but can’t admit it. The more they go on and on the less I believe it all

There is no chance I would be able to stay quiet about the women’s right issue, even if it cost me my friendship. Moving there and taking advantage of her ex-pat status to avoid being held accountable to the restrictions imposed on most of the female population makes her complicit.

Reforms are happening, but women’s rights are still a huge issue.

I don’t know why you don’t want to make a snarky comment, I’d have to.

“No you don’t need to stop telling me about it! I’m really happy for you and I’m glad you love it, but I couldn’t think of anything worse! I like it here, got my family friends and equal rights to my husband! lol. Wouldn’t give them up for a bit of sun!”

I would say " please don't feel sorry for me, I love my work! I feel sorry for you to be honest, you obviously wasted years of your life at work. I'm so glad you're finally enjoying life."

Maybe this is it..? She seems very pleased with their lives though. As one poster who lives there says I get it the money is good and weather/lifestyle if it’s your thing and I’m pleased she’s happy! When she comes back every summer she comes back to her parents home which isn’t a particularly nice area (which is why she comes to see us a lot!) and you can see she struggles without having her nanny around for the kids so her perception of the UK is a bit skewed.
Ive said lots of ‘ah I’m thrilled for you’ and that it’s not really me and DHs thing but she just acts like I’m using it as a defence mechanism and can’t possibly not be jealous of her ‘amazing’ life! We haven’t visited as KSA isn’t our thing but when we met up as a big group with some of her other friends from there last summer they were similarly ‘you have NO idea how great it it’ and constantly going on and on and on about it.

I wouldn't make snarky comments. I'd just outright tell her to shut up because you don't want to here any more about that awful place. That she overlooks the women's rights issues, slave labour etc doesn't mean you want to.

Shes taken on this real 'aw poor you stuck in UK its sooo hard here' mentality and I find it so grating.

Well tbf to her if she is on mumsnet, that's exactly how it's portrayed... And on many other forums and even in some news. The way some people online are goimg on abput stuff person away from UK could easily think chicken costs 10+ and wage is 2 an hour.

That said, she hould say it once and stop fgs.

I wouldn’t be boasting about having a maid. The way that maids and other workers are treated in Saudi Arabia is grotesque.

She is probably trying to convince herself that her life is good. Even with the most recent changes for women’s rights she will still very much be seen as a lesser human.

Id absolutely do it.

Id say im not jealous of living in such a dreadful country with an appalling human rights record. Not as if she can enjoy the sun is it, cant step outside without and abaya, alcohol prohibition etc etc

Give her it back.