What were you not prepared for when you had kids?

[Catsandcannedbeans]

For me I was not prepared for how much they touch you. All the time. Grubby little hands, grubby little feet, grubby little face in my face. I didn’t know I’d be a human climbing frame. Weirdly, when I am away from them I kind of miss it, but when they’re climbing all over me first thing in the morning it does piss me off a bit. They climb on their dad a lot as well, but for some reason I am their climbing frame of choice.

Also I didn’t realise breast feeding was a bit of a piss around. It was for me at least. I assumed because it’s natural it would just be easy and simple, but no. Honestly the whole time I was doing it I was just thinking “this better be as good for them as people make it out to be”.

Never being free. I mean I have physical freedom as my DC are adults now; but the emotional freedom is lost the minute your first-born arrives and never comes back.

My eldest is 55 and still stressing me out, I would give absolutely anything for my youngest to be able to stress me out.

With my last one leaving for uni in Sept, what I’d give to have that time again..when they fly the nest, you’ll feel proud that they can but there’s a fear mixed in with it that you can no longer protect them from the world as you did when they’re little. If I could tell the version of myself who was a first time mother all those years ago one piece of advice…it would be to let the little things go and enjoy them, take lots of photos and videos and tell them you love them every day! It goes so fast 😔

I asked DH and he said being touched all the time and the fact he lost friends. I didn’t really lose many friends because all my friends (21-35 age range, mostly female or gay) were pretty excited to see babies and didn’t mind me bringing them out with us, but he did lose a lot of his mates because they just didn’t give a fuck and didn’t want to be around kids. He still goes out with “the boys” who are his oldest friends, and to be fair they’re all great and DS is obsessed with them. But a lot of his friends weren’t really understanding of the fact he has kids… and he wants to be with his kids. We do go out individually with our friends without the kids, but some of his mates didn’t get he can’t just be at the pub whenever there’s a quiz on, they need to ask in advance and plan. They also slagged me and acted like I was locking him away and he didn’t like that.

I was not prepared for how much I would learn about myself and my own capabilities and limitations

I actually had no idea how organised i was capable of being - I never did any home cooking pre child - it would be takeaway, ready meals, oven food etc. When I got pregnant I learnt how to cook some basic meals and realised I'm actually good at it when I follow instructions in recipes.

Flash forward 4 years i do all the home cooking, always have batch cooking in the freezer and love trying new recipes. I honestly think my 29 year old self would not be able to believe her eyes if she saw my kitchen skills!

On the other hand, motherhood has in some ways also brought out the worst in me. I have been horrified by the visceral anger I am capable of feeling when things don't go to plan with my child e.g. bed time dragging out, trying to get them organised to get out the door, other things that are completely out of my control just trigger me so much sometimes and that isn't something I had to experience pre child. Ive really had to work on that.

I did not know how much I’d struggle with how relentless and monotonous it is.

I have always enjoyed the company of children and worked with them for many years. I’ve always been high energy with kids and been great at imaginary games and sitting on the floor roleplaying.

I feel so guilty that with my own I’m not very good at all and don’t enjoy it as much. I really underestimated how much harder it is when it’s all day and there’s no end to it other than when they go to bed. Now with my toddler my “playing energy” runs out exceptionally quickly and playing for ten minutes feels so hard.

I’ve never been an easily bored person and I’ve always been a bit of a homebody so I wasn’t worried about giving up nights out or holidays for a few years. But it’s just so tiring and constant and I didn’t know how boring the repetitive routines are.

On weekdays I’m so tired after work that I really have to force myself to be enthusiastic but I count down until bed time. Once he is in bed I miss him and wish I’d been better and more fun.

At weekends I wake up raring to go and excited but I only have a few good hours in me. By mid afternoon I’ve got nothing left in the tank. There are things that help like making sure to get out and about but I still very much feel like I am surviving.

I actually find the toddler age so much better than babies and he has the best personality. I don’t want to wish the time away as the lovely moments are the very best and I know I will miss it. I just really thought I’d be better at it.

It’s so hard to explain. I’m both more content and happy and satisfied than I ever was before while also being exhausted and bored and drained. I can’t quite explain how those things are both true at the same time but they are. What a crazy ride.

Mum guilt over every single thing!!

Fear. I was completely terrified that something would happen to them. I wasn't expecting to feel like that.

Yes, and it doesn't ever seem to end, even when they're grown....

I come from a very big family so I was used to children and felt pretty prepared for almost everything. This things I wasn’t prepared for: after contractions, especially with my 2nd they were worse than the actual contractions. Croup I knew what it was but it freaked me out and I was not prepared for how scary it was until my first got it. The amount of illness that goes with having young children, the way it goes round and round in the family for years.

endless food prep and requests for food.

I never realised how much i relied on pre-cooked food and UPFs until I had kids and suddenly everything needed to be made from scratch. Humans consume a LOT of calories. It amazes me that we survived the hunter gatherer days at all.

For my wife to basically decide our relationship was over now that she had the kids she wanted. Overnight, the loving, kindness, intimacy and enjoyment disappeared, 5 years later still no signs of it returning. Refuses to talk about it or acknowledge there is an issue

How I’d love one with all my being from the moment I set eyes on them.
How I was not really that taken with one until they were nearly a year old.

Lol I'd wait til he's asleep and shower then 🤷‍♀️🤣

Jeez that's really harsh for you! Hope you can find a way to talk about it and get back to that past relationship

How much time I’d spend thinking about somebody else’s poo.

How there would always be piles of clothes everywhere. For washing, ironing, labelling, mending, storing away for winter (or summer), storing away for the next baby, mending, for eBay/Vinted, to give away to friends/charity/uniform exchange…

THIS😂

Single parenthood, neurodiverse child....... add on puberty for female neurodiverse child closely followed by her slightly younger sister. Not sure I'm going to survive much longer 🤦‍♀️

How much I love my DD. I would throw myself in front of a bullet or moving train or whatever for her with no hesitation. I never felt this level of love and I didn’t expect it (I read about it but never understood). I have DH but it is not the same sort of feeling. I think he would feel the same (I see it in his eyes too when he looks at our girl. I get it).

How suffocating and stifling being a mother is.
In that just a simple walk around Tesco at 9pm alone gave me breath in my lungs and took a mountain off my shoulders and mind.

How far over the edge of sanity I could be pushed due to lack of sleep and exhaustion.
With 5 years on the verge of complete breakdown surviving on 3-5 hours of broken sleep every night, I was not prepared for that level of despair and desperation. I do not know how I survived it.

How utterly utterly let down I felt over and over again by family who knew what was happening yet did not ever offer any help or support.
Bitterly disappointed in their lack of care for me or my little child.

A tough, resilient and competent person in life and my work, how becoming a mother completely beat that out of me. I was a broken, empty deflated and beaten shell of a person for the first 5 years of my child’s life.

What should have been a joyous time was dark and disturbing.

Sorry to hear your struggle @rainbow9713

We've brought up our autistic son and it was so difficult, even with two of us.
So can't imagine how very difficult it must be on your own.

Good luck and hope you CAN carry on and possibly get some help.

suspect I will be you in 6 years. Autistic DD is 16 and I was a geriatric mother

Sounds as though you had things really rough @Cliffedge25
Are you a single mum?

Hope things are better for you now...

The amount of time you spend bending down and picking things up off the floor (children/toys/clothes/bits of food). How boring playgrounds are.

The physicality of it. I have a 6 and 2 year old and spent all day chasing, lifting, carrying, pushing, stooping, crouching, sitting, bending… my back is absolutely fucked and my body feels about 93 years old. And I echo PP about the touching - I’m covered in bruises from elbows, feet, knees poking into my flesh as I am climbed on, as well as sitting/stepping/kneeling on tiny hard plastic toys.