What were you not prepared for when you had kids?

[Catsandcannedbeans]

For me I was not prepared for how much they touch you. All the time. Grubby little hands, grubby little feet, grubby little face in my face. I didn’t know I’d be a human climbing frame. Weirdly, when I am away from them I kind of miss it, but when they’re climbing all over me first thing in the morning it does piss me off a bit. They climb on their dad a lot as well, but for some reason I am their climbing frame of choice.

Also I didn’t realise breast feeding was a bit of a piss around. It was for me at least. I assumed because it’s natural it would just be easy and simple, but no. Honestly the whole time I was doing it I was just thinking “this better be as good for them as people make it out to be”.

How no matter what you do or how you do something someone will always tell you you’re doing it wrong.

The amount of time they say ‘mummy’ in a day.

That they make a million little jobs you need to do but leave you no time to do them!

Negatives:
-The overstimulation. It took me a while to realise what it was, and when I did I sorted it out quite quickly and easily thankfully but it's a lot!
-Breastfeeding. I tried it with Dc1 and never again. So much faff! Much preferred the process of prepping a bottle, and also having the option to have someone else give a bottle. I think that helped with the overstimulation too.

Positives:
-The life-changing freedom when they're sleep trained. We paid a lot of money for sleep support and it was just incredible when they started sleeping through the night, or only waking once.
-The mess not being as bad as I thought! I've never been very tidy, but always a bit of a clean freak. I love having toys around, even the noisy garish ones, but they all have homes and as soon as they're old enough my DC are taught to find them. Even when we've had crazy busy weekends and kids parties, it's always cleaned and tidied and kept on top of after. I genuinely expected to just live in filth until they were 18.

This is absolutely spot on. There is no preparing you for this.

That my, until then lovely, ex would morph into 1950s man within the first few days of ds arriving, and think he had acquired an unpaid domestic skivvy for life.

Having tried for two years to persuade him to revert to normal behaviour, ds and I left, I rented a flat, returned to my career, then bought a house, and got on with life.

How shit a lot of fathers are if they can get away with it. That genuinely took me by surprise. I thought most men would feel equally responsible for their children and caring for them.

The only thing that I really hadn't expected was the lack of solitude -- I hadn't realised how draining it was to always have another small, dependent person with me. I used to gaze covetously at solitary women reading in cafes or cycling past on their way somewhere.

How hard it is to just pop to the shop for bread and milk. What should take 20 minutes now takes over an hour between getting them to put their shoes on, the crying in the shop, the arguing about who gets to hold the damn bread. It’s hell

Good grief nothing in the world prepares you for this!! I honestly never sweated it when single or a couple as to what meals I had each day. You just fancied going out if you wanted, no planning. You just did it. Nowadays it's like feeding the Army🤣

The sneezing in my face. 6 kids in and it still caught me off guard with the youngest.

Also the sheer number of people who give you their opinions like you should instantly do what they said. Even down to random people in shops who feel the need to comment that they're too hot/too cold/too young to not be in a pram/too old to be in a pram (although interestingly I've not noticed that half as much with DN recently - not sure if people have stopped or I just attract less as I don't look young 😂)

The having to remember random dates months before they're needed - applying for school when they're 3 even though they work start til 5. Sorting summer holiday club in March. Easter swimming lessons needing booked in September.

What an absolutely useless twat my ex husband would be.

Loving this thread. Makes me feel like I am not the only one as a parent feeling like this each day. It can feel like everyone else around you has their sh*t together and you don't.

The love. My mum had her youngest when I was a teen, so I was pretty aware of all the downsides. But I never, ever expected just how overwhelming the love for them would be which would make all the work and sacrifice not just something I was willing to do, but something which I would want to do.

Still can't get over it, and they're twice my size now!

I hadn’t realised that motherhood comes with guilt, lots and lots of guilt. 😆😆😆

@Bluetoothpaste I can remember my Health Visitor joking that midwives inject us with a massive dose of guilt while they’re delivering the placenta. 😂

For me it was the worry. And I had this crazy notion that they’d grow up and I wouldn’t have to worry anymore once they were teens/adults. Nobody tells you that it NEVER stops!

Neurodiversity. I’d never have thought I’d have a 16 year old who can’t function without me.

The absolute pride I took in something that did nothing but eat, shit and sleep.

The intense hatred I would have for anyone or thing that caused him upset, sadness and anger.

How much filt, fluff and grime could work itself into the tight fist of a newborn baby.

How much I would miss my babies, my toddlers, my school kids as they grow and change. And time speeds up - the first year with a new born was like a hundred years, but then the pace picks up faster and faster. Before I know it I’ll be missing these grouchy teenagers too.

I also wasn’t prepared for the gender inequality. Before having dc I felt completely equal to my male peers. And everything between my dh and I was 50:50. I had no fucking clue.

100% the touching. I’m either being tapped, climbed on, pulled or pinched. It’s never ending.

How quickly it passes and they are grown up.

Teenagers ahhhhh

I absolutely agree about useless ex husbands. He had an affair (late 40s) and left us for a woman in her early 20s when our youngest daughter was a baby. My kids are in their late 20s/early 30s but totally adore him. He was your typical weekend ‘Disney Dad’ but never had them when they were ill or being stroppy teens, or when he was dating a new woman. I thought at the time by being easy going about him, I’d get the love and respect back when they were adults. Nope! They clearly love him more. That’s the hardest part for me.

Do they have kids yet? If not, they'll realise when/if they have them. It was a really "scales falling..." time for me.

This. Also... childbirth. And the fact that the effects on your physical and psychological health can be permanent. I had dangerously high bp in my second pregnancy and developed long-lasting health anxiety, believing I would probably drop dead of a stroke or a heart attack at any moment. Meanwhile ds needed surgery at 5 days old, which didn't exactly calm the bp. I'm still on medication 17 years later.

Fortunately my children themselves have been mercifully easy to parent, though that doesn't stop the worry!

💯 this.

I’ve been a single parent since my 3 DC were small. Thankfully, they & I were fairly robust health wise but I absolutely remember the times we were all sick - one particular Christmas stands out, when 3 out of 4 of us had Proper Flu. I will never forget barely being able to move, and having to mind the two sick DC, think about their temps & eventually get one to a doctor - but worse again was having to look after the youngest, well child, who needed feeding & some form of active parenting.

I’d no-one to help & felt incredibly lonely.

The health permanent problems childbirth caused me - I just assumed I’d bounce back.

The fact my dh didn’t view pregnancy the way I did - I found it beyond amazing that I was carrying his child, I expected he would cherish me… He was grossed out by it all as I think horrified at the changes in my body!

The exhaustion going on for so long - years not months.

The constant wriggling, grunting, snoring and gurgling that sleeping babies make - except when they are in such a rare deep sleep you can’t tell they are breathing and you wake them up in a blind panic!

Loving all these.

Like others, for me it was the all-encompassing visceral love. It was such a new experience for me, because I haven’t had a great track record with relationships (family, friends, partners), really never had those powerful feelings of love (albeit different) for anyone. It was a relief to me that I actually could feel with that depth!