Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

You absolutely need to ignore everyone telling you to stay you didn't give it enough time. You are not an idiot, there's a massive difference between people who are unhappy but stick it out knowing that it will get better and people that know it's not for them.
I know for sure I'd never want to leave my home country and wider family.
The points made about doing it quickly now are so right.
You may have to face up to growing apart if he loves his new country.

Schools in Australia vary quite a bit... is finding a new one a possibility?
Would be helpful to know where you are too.
Sydney is having a very cold (and now wet) winter which isn't fun at all.

I don't think you have said how old your children are. You need to think how you change the things you don't like to be more positive. How can you make connections? Other parents, clubs, activities, work? Yes family are a long way away - use facetime regularly to take the edge of - but if you take the kids back your family - husband, their dad will be a long way away. How does that look and feel? What can you do practically to make things brighter? For what it's worth I would suggest you give it a really good try for one more year - do lots of positive things and make life better for yourself.

Call his bluff tell him you and the kids are going home!

Australia has many of the same problems Britain and other developed countries have, just with warmer weather. And the OP's family are on the other side of the world. That's clearly a major factor for her, no matter how much 'better' life in Oz may or may not be.

I also think you need to give it another year. We emigrated over 12 years ago now and haven't looked back. Saying that, the first year is the hardest period of adjustment, even if you are settled with regards to jobs, schools and new friends. It takes time for a place to fully feel like home. I read a couple of books on expat experiences before we left and they were very helpful, I cannot remember the title but one was written by a lady who moved to Aus from the UK (twice!). Her advice was not to go back in the first year as it's unsettling (home is neither the UK not the new country). I found the 18 month mark was when I truly felt at home. FWIW, we have a couple of friends who moved back to the UK and regretted it. They didn't see their families as much as they thought they would, day-to-day life was very different to what they remembered and they realized that nowhere is perfect.

There is a Facebook group called Ping Pong Poms that you might find useful, your experience isn’t uncommon on there.

We lasted 6 months in Oz before coming home, people said give it more time but I’m glad we didn’t. Luckily we were all on the same page about returning, but I can really empathise with your homesickness, once we’d made the decision to come home I felt ten tonnes lighter.

Good luck OP, you are in a horrible situation. I really would have a good think about whether you can face staying in Oz permanently, as that’s the risk of you agreeing to give it a bit longer and your husband changes his mind about letting the kids leave the country/the kids decide they also don’t want to leave. Sounds like there are some real issues in the marriage/family that need exploring if your husband is willing to let you and the kids move to the other side of the world without him. Sounds like he’s stringing you along with these moving goalposts, this would make me sceptical that he’d come home in 3 years even if you stuck it out.

I wouldnt focus on what he said, people say a lot of things out of aggression.

why dont you come back and let him stay for 3 years to finish? Can you afford to visit 2-3 times a year and run two households?

He's shifting the goalposts. It's a huge thing to move to the other side of the world and leave your extended family behind. I have family in Australia (grandparent's brother moved there decades ago) and the extended family of course was totally split after that. They would come to the UK once in a blue moon. I don't understand the blase responses about 'give it another year' if anything you should be panicking and taking your kids back to the UK ASAP before you are trapped there for good.

I think you're right. On one hand I want to tell you to give it more time, but I've been in your position... i went overseas, hated it. The resentment grew, we split, then I was stuck there for a total of 9 years with our children due to Hague Convention. 9 years, it destroyed my mental health. I'd go now, while he still allows it.

A year is nowhere near long enough to acclimatise to a new country. You haven’t had time to build up a new friends network.

You say you feel in your gut you will never be happy here but if you think like that of course you won’t.

I can’t imagine being a SAHM is helping. A part time job would make a big difference.

We moved to Sydney in January 2017 on a 2 year secondment for my husband’s work with the possibility of extending. Within a couple of weeks I knew there was no way we would be extending as felt very homesick. Even knowing it was time limited was still really hard so it must be so hard feeling stuck. If you’re not already on there, I’d recommend joining the Ping Pom Poms Facebook group as lots of people will have similar experiences to you and be able to give advice. I’d also be really wary of the risk of your husband refusing to allow the children to leave. I know you’ve said you don’t think that would be an issue but lots of people have been caught out. Really hope you get something sorted as feeling this way is really hard.

Op go home.

He is betting you will stick it out, it’s incredibly selfish. I am pretty sure you would have both agreed that if anyone was miserable you could come home. Now he is enjoying it he wants to keep you all there even though you are so unhappy, it’s shocking he is not prioritising your feelings here at all. Why is his happiness more important than yours?

I would take the chance to go home before you end up with massive legal issues.

He can fly bank regularly to see you all, and would hopefully choose to come home before long, you have to let him decide of his job and lifestyle is more important than you and the dc. At least he can pay for your home, bills and life in the U.K. and it gives you time to resettle the dc and then you can reassess.

It doesn’t need to be the end of your relationship - but you can’t live like this op. It’s so unfair to you and the dc.

This problem is going to test your marriage as other things will over the years but you must take your chance now before you become stuck out there for ever.

Come home. Unless he is bluffing he is willing to sacrifice your needs and to go so far as to lose his children. You really do not seem close

Yep, absolutely this. 👆
@mummaAusUk I'm actually not surprised that he's said you and your DC should return to the UK and he'll visit, as you've also told us he works most days of the week, so how much quality family time is he actually having now? It sounds like he's already quietly withdrawing from family life to live his "dream".
As PPs have said, come back to the UK now before it's too late. Maybe your DH will realise that his dream isn't a dream at all if it doesn't include you and your DC on a daily basis. Good luck OP. 🤗

You say you are a strong family unit. In that case, you and he both need to compromise. Just saying you want to leave without offering a compromise (e.g. to give it another 6 months or a year with a firm decision deadline) is as unhelpful for the relationship as your OH refusing to even consider moving back. Is his happiness not a factor either?

I am another person who might suggest sticking it out. We moved from London to SanFran ( not quite as long a flight but pretty long) around 18 years ago with small kids (4 and 1) and no family and friends to support, and the first year was hard for me, very lonely and no real connections with people but by the end of the second year I was loving it and by the 4th year when we were due to leave I was very sad to leave my life and friends there.

If your partner refuses to let the children leave (far from uncommon) or one of them becomes settled (it'll only need the one as he will latch on to that and use it to pressure you and the other child to stay) then you will be going nowhere, ever. I know 4 women this has happened to in various countries and they will never be able to live anywhere else or they will lose their DC :(

I moved abroad with my DH and DC. Gave it 5 years. Had to give my DH the ultimatum that I am moving back no matter what. He came with us. He is happy we did this now. Our DC are thriving in the UK and have dual nationality. We are going to move abroad again in the next few years. Just us as a couple.

If you are 100% sure this is what you want to do my advice after living it is to do it. However, I did give it 5 years and my DC were 8/9 when we moved back. 1 year would not have been enough time for me to make the decision.

Agree, and job can make all the difference.

This isn't enough time to settle in really. I don't think you need to worry about your children - young kids are very very robust and adaptable. However, what time and time again shows up in research, is that 'trailing spouses' suffer the most. If you're not working and you don't have your family and close friends - and all that matters to you - then it's miserable. Combine with the fact that Australia is such a wrench. The physical and psychological distance is awful. You can't speak to anyone ever at the right time - either you're going to bed or they are.

What will happen if you give it more time? Maybe you'll just get used to it, equally given how you feel right now it feels unlikely - you're not describing failure to meet people? Is giving it 3 years an ok compromise? It will whistle by.

The biggest issue is he is clearly now loving it, despite an agreement to return if you didn't. He is not being very sympathetic to you either.

It's a miserable economic environment here at the moment, but in the end nothing quite hits like close friends and family and when you're in Australia it really is a choice between your old life and a new one

It's not clear to me why you don't like it except you haven't made friends, but surely that always takes time? I'd get an agreement out of him that you can all move back in three years if you still feel the same. I think four years to give it a try is fair enough. Unless there is something very specific that is more than just settling in then I think you haven't given it long enough.

One of my closest friends moved out to Australia on a work exchange for 2 years (her work exchange). When the 2 years were coming to an end, she went to book flights home, having had 'when we go home' conversations with her 'D'H. She couldn't find the kids' passports....this is how she found out that her 'D'H didn't want to come home and she was then stuck there. He had hidden them.

This was about 10 years ago, and she is still there. Her kids, although all born in the UK, are Australian to all intents and purposes and she has reconciled herself to the fact that she's there until the youngest flies the next. So probably another 5 years or so.

She has built a good life for herself as a single mother, the useless DH barely sees his kids and certainly doesn't pay for them despite earning 6 figures. But the chance to come home has been and gone for her so she's making the best of it. I think she would still probably come home if she could, all things being equal, but that's not the way things are.

So the point of all that is to say that if you want to come home, do it while you still can. My friend had no idea that her husband felt that way, because he didn't tell her until it was too late.

If your DH is saying you and the kids should go back to the UK, what sort of wage is he on that he can afford his own living costs and send money to the UK that loses 50% of its value?

I think you should go and get very, very good advice from a solicitor experienced in this sort of thing. Ring a few migration agents and ask for recommendations. If you aren’t very careful, you will run smack into The Hague Convention.

Sall Grover, of Giggle v Tickle, started Giggle because after awful experiences overseas, her therapist here asked “where is your female support system?” You need a female support system. Join the CWA, Probus, Red Hat, get yourself out there.

Your partner is at least partly right . Having lived in different countries myself you truly need to give it at least 2 to 3 years to settle in .