Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

Thank you for your reply. Yes it's really shook me..I can't believe it. I never thought he would say that as his kids are everything but he's clearly putting his career first and I don't understand it as he knew this was something we was exploring together as a unit.

I’m with those who say a year isn’t long enough. I’ve emigrated twice, and I spent the whole of my first year in the US thinking I’d go back to the UK tomorrow, next week, next month if I could. The culture shock was real and more surprising than when I’d moved to another non-English speaking country because so much of it was unexpected. I was sure before I went that the US was familiar to me and it would be easy to navigate the cultural norms - and it wasn’t, really.

I’d give it another year. I’d also consider during that year what is making you unhappy - your earlier reply to that question didn’t answer that. For me, I came to realise, a big part of my problem was a combination of the conservative religious values and the total car culture where I was. At the end of the two years I was contracted there, I moved to the east coast, and it was genuinely a totally different vibe and way of life. Although I eventually moved back to Europe, I was happy to stay for a longer while once I’d found a community that better met my needs.

I see you’re a SAHM. What do you do to meet people who share your interests and. Could become friends and a support network? Clubs? Hobbies? Volunteering? Social activities?

Also, I notice you say your child was fine until school got hard? That isn’t because he’s in Australia necessarily. He may well have been exactly the same in the UK, but perhaps you’d have worked a bit harder to build his resilience then?

You need to give it 2-3 years really to know whether it's right or not. You may not feel you can do that

The first year is like the honeymoon where everything is new and strange. The 2nd year is what reality can set in. The third year is where you find your feet (or realise that you're never going to).

When your kids grow up they can leave and live anywhere in the world regardless.

I would be interested to know where in Australia you are. There are a lot of differences in cities and locations eg. Northern Territories or Perth would be a no no for me but Melbourne or even Brisbane might be easier places to make connections with likeminded ex-pats? Is there a chance of moving states or is your husbands training only possible where you are now?

That's easier said than done, unfortunately (or not. Child abduction is a huge concern, obviously). He's their father, he has parental rights. And Australia is clearly the place of residence of their children...

Don’t know the legalities, but if you stay and try for few more years and still don’t like it, can he say then, you can’t take the kids back to the UK? I’m not sure. But he’s giving permission now, and saying go without him?! That’s not a positive outsider view of a ‘close’ family - it should be a one goes, we all go scenario. I think go now as I can see him digging his heels in down the line anyway and not compromising

@mummaAusUk I am Australian and was uprooted by my British Mother and I would say if you are going to leave do it sooner rather than later, it really messed me up as a child and I still don't feel like I know where home is for me.

He could argue that by leaving, you are putting your needs ahead of the kids. They have their dad at the moment, kids need their dad. He's committed to completing a job. He could ultimately refuse to let you take the kids. You keep saying you miss your family but aren't your husband and kids your family? Does he feel that for you, parents and wider family, trump being with your husband?

I say all that with lots of love. We've been five years in Italy and I still find it hard in many respects. My partner has zero desire to move back to Britain ever.

If you come back to the UK, where will you live and how will you manage financially?

Hi OP,

I moved to Europe so not as far as Australia, but I do recognise some of the struggles of settling somehwere new. You have said that you are a SAHM and I can see how that might be isolating in a new environment - if you're willing to stick it out for a bit then perhaps you really need to work on your social circle. I moved recently and making new friends in your thirties is daunting, but you may have the "ready made" option of mum/toddler groups that could help you.

If you were willing to stick it out, are you willing/able to work/study there? This could integrate you further and make you feel far more settled.

However, the bit that made me double take was your partner saying "take the kids, go back to the UK". I cannot imagine a partner, let alone a co-parent saying that. I live/work/socisalise with expats and, rightly or wrongly, I am immediately suspicious of men who live in different countries from their kids - unless there is a clear, obvious and burning financial reason when he is providing for them/his family.

Other PP have said that he is effectively giving you permission, which he may withdraw later, so this may be your chance to go. You also call him DP and not DH, so honestly, this could be your best chance to leave with your kids. Should you marry, Australia is famously difficult to leave with your children if the other parent does not consent - there have been a number of threads about it on here.

Can you access therapy? I think you need to work through the emotional implications of him being apparently willing to let you all go, then take him at his word before he changes his mind.

You and your kids will have such a better life in Australia than UK!

give it longer

But he’s suggested that the OP goes back with the kids and that he will visit. Those aren’t the words of someone who is desperate to keep his family unit together. It’s almost like he’s carving out a new life for himself, and his partner and kids are secondary to that.

If he’s giving you the greenlight to leave with the kids, I’d take it. Like others have said, a couple of years down the line and he might start digging his heels in and then you’re stuck. The stuff that he has said to you makes me think that this relationship is not as solid as you had thought.

My uncle moved to Australia with his wife and children, back in the 80s and my aunty cried every single day for the first 6 months. They tried to move back to the UK but wasn’t able to find comparable work back here. So they stayed in Australia but weren’t very happy.

I just wanted to say you’re not alone! If you have been there a year and you aren’t happy, maybe this isn’t right for you. It’s not your fault - sometimes you don’t know what’s right for you until you try it.

Why will they?

Apparently it’s just as expensive in some areas and more in some. So says my friend who moved there about 12 years ago and now has citizenship.

You don’t know if that’s true. There isn’t just one Australian(Or British) lifestyle and it isn’t Utopia. There are real problems there too, many of which are the same as the UK and it’s like dating. No matter how attractive and wealthy and kind a man is, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s right for you. You both have to be a match for each other and if you aren’t then it won’t work out, no matter how much others may drool over him.

I suspect most of us posting on here wouldn't ever say to the OP that things WILL be better or fine. But having been through major moves we are suggesting she give it a defined additional period of time (ie for most of us another year) before making a stay or go decision. And would need it not to be a year of just waiting for the time to go by before giving herself permission to go home, but actually continuing to build a life. I agree though that it must be very upsetting for DH to seem to ready for you all to move home again - I wonder if he regrets saying that and is in a panic.

I think it's hard for him too- presumably he came for a job that he thought would provide his family with a comfortable life and still wants to be able to do that ? I wouldn't assume it's all selfish reasons he has. I am away from home for similar reasons and I do understand the dilemma.

How old are your kids? Being a SAHM without family around is isolating wherever you are. Do you have scope to work or volunteer or do something that would get you contact with other like-minded adults rather than just the drudge of childcare and housework?

You have to face the fact that love is not enough. You want different things. That's no one's fault but the sooner you move back and start living again the better it will be for everyone.

I’ve moved internationally 4 times and I would give it another year. The first year is always the hardest.

‘But he’s suggested that the OP goes back with the kids and that he will visit. Those aren’t the words of someone who is desperate to keep his family unit together. It’s almost like he’s carving out a new life for himself, and his partner and kids are secondary to that.’

or perhaps he is concerned that OP and one of the DC ( though apparently not the other) is miserable, and doesn’t seem to believe that she will ever not be miserable In Australia. So in that case, she will presumably be happy in UK …..but he has to finish his training so he can support the whole family financially as OP does not have a job or seem to have any intention of finding one. In these circumstances, his offer could be regarded as generous., especially as the cost of two households in two continents is going to be borne by just him.

If he is willing to let you go then your marriage is shit anyway. It might not feel that way to you but he clearly thinks it is - sorry! Go home, especially if he said that you could reevaluate and is now changing his tune. You feel guilty because you’re the one that doesn’t like it but does he feel guilty that you’re not happy (I know the answer to this is no)
You might not want them to be without a Dad but over there they are without extended family which is also not nice.

I bet you every penny I have that he stays and has a new partner within a year - again I’m sorry!

Love is not enough as another person said. We need a family unit, extended family and friends new and old.
Australia may have the sun but is lacking in so many other ways. My ex wanted to go there and live his dream. I point blank refused. Life is too short to be unhappy