Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

Hi OP. This was me in 2010. I’m married to an Aussie and we moved out there to be near his family. Fortunately for me my Aussie husband had lived in the UK too long and missed it dreadfully so we moved back within the year. Funnily enough we don’t have family here in the UK but we still prefer in here and make the journey back to Oz whenever we can. I would recommend PomsinOz which is a forum that you might find helpful. It has a MBTTUK section.
Sending you a big hug.
Also if your DP will allow you to return, do it asap.

He’s really saying that his job is more important to him than your marriage and the family unit. The idea that he will visit if you come back is ridiculous. Once or twice a year maybe, tops? Is he calling your bluff by saying you go and he’ll visit? Would he really be willing to let you and the children go if it comes to it, without deciding to join you?

My uncle and aunt moved to Oz decades ago, but it was the other way around… She loved it and wanted to stay, he didn’t and came eventually home. It was the end of their marriage. I suspect if you come home it would end the same way for you, but if you stay there and are desperately unhappy, that will severely strain the relationship too. No easy answers unfortunately.

Also a Brit in Australia, with 2 children and a SAHM too.

I agree in some points that it can to hard to grasp some aspects but having moved a lot (husband is defence) it really does take time to get into a routine.

where you are makes a difference? What part are you in?

Also schooling is very different to the U.K. and if your children are both school age then they are learning the Australian curriculum, all completely different to what we were taught at school. It interesting for them and me as I can learn with them.

Schools also have 3 sections and varying private options too. Depending on where you are some government schools can be a bit rough and having experienced different states we opted for our children to go private for that reason.

Do you have any hobbies? Walking, running, cycling, Pilates, book club, swimming? getting out and about helps because it can be hard not to when you are a SAHM.

Feel free to reach out if you want to.

Hope you find a solution together and remember the reasons you did it in the first place and ultimately making a decision together about moving forward.

Im on the view of leave while you can with the kids. Then go back in a few months to visit your husband and see how it feels. You will know if you’ve made the right decision. Life is too short to be unhappy. Your child is unhappy too so it’s not just you.

also your husband has made his decision. He is choosing to not come back with you just as much as you are choosing to go. It’s not all on you. There was always a possibility one of you or both of you wasn’t going to like it.

If my husband was happy for me to leave and take his children to live on the other side of the world because he preferred his job that would be the end of the marriage for me whether I stayed in Australia or returned to the UK, he has literally told you that you and your children are not as important as himself, his wants and his job, I could never stay with a man who could do that, it would be the end for me.

I’m Australian living in uk as a stay at home mum. I know lots of family / friends who go to Australia …. and I often wonder why they have chosen to live in Australia where they have. When a uk family feels isolated in Australia it’s often because they have chosen what looks like an ideal house near a beach … but is actually a quiet suburb where people struggle if they don’t have friends there already. Ie not much to do but attend bbqs and house parties but if you don’t have friends you don’t get invited there.

Australia is a massive country - you can fit 26 englands into the state of Western Australia and that’s just one state.

I really think being a stay at home mum is not helping you here - you might find a part time job is going to help you make friends. And also look at where you live - maybe you need to move to an area where there is more activity.

Honestly you need to give it time, took me 3 years to settle in the USA (we then moved back 2 years later and it took me a couple more years to settle back in the U.K.)

This with bells on.

you’re not loving it. You might learn to appreciate it over the next few years, but what if you never love it? Sometimes it’s better to just cut your losses – especially since he has given you the greenlight to return to the UK with the kids.

I have a lot of family in New Zealand. One relative never really settled, but ended up staying there because her husband and kids were happy. She didn’t get to come back to the UK too often: expense and the length of travel time involved – but I remember clearly one time she came back, and at this point she had lived abroad for over 10 years, and it destroyed her. She went back to New Zealand and couldn’t settle. It was a sad situation.

I think you should leave now, honestly.

Immigrating to a far flung place with two small kids and no family support along with a husband who is a work-a-holic only works for you if you're a super social butterfly and literally throw yourself into local events / charities / get a job / become some kind of parent group leader etc.

And for most people, this is just not appealing.

If he is serious about this set up, I would quietly plan it and do it. You may need his legal permission to take your kids out of the country, regardless. So if he's amenable, get him to put it in writing now.

He's accusing you of crushing his dream but he's happy for you to live a nightmare.

I would come back with your DCs as you will get trapped - you might even be now? See what he does then. He could visit a could of times a year and then maybe you could all visit half way somehere cheap for a holiday.

But I would consider your emotional, logistical and financial status if you were to break up either there or here - and then make plans accordingly.

Those that are suggesting giving it more time are not factoring in the following;

1. Dh is agreeing they can go now, he may not say the same next year or ever again. Op then finds herself trapped indefinitely.

2. Giving her dc even more time there given how unhappy they are is ruining their childhood. It is totally unfair that their childhood becomes the collateral damage of their parent’s decisions. Especially their father’s selfishness.

3. Every year that passes is a lost year that can never be regained. What if in that time things become even more difficult with one child desperate to go and one desperate to stay, it’s better to go now whilst they are all on the same page.

4. Dh clearly only cares about himself. Op now knows that he doesn’t love her enough to move back home. That will leave the relationship in a perilous state regardless of where they are. At least at home she has a support network to fall back on.

I think you are giving poor advice to op to stay given the legal ramifications she could face unless she goes now.

I think moving as an adult is hard and it does make it difficult to settle. I moved due to my husband’s job and it took a good few years at least for me to settle. Now I wouldn’t move back to where I’m from. I don’t think a year is long enough to know how you feel after such a massive and life changing upheaval. More time will help even if it doesn’t feel like that now. Aus has a lot going for it and the UK realistically is on a downward trajectory now.

Him saying this means that he doesn't love you or the kids enough to make you happy. It's all about him

Get out of the relationship now. Go home with the children and find someone else

This man isn't for you

So how easy would it be for him to find work back home?

Could you move back & he finishes his training there as a compromise or would everyone then be unhappy?

I have been on MN long enough to know that absolute dire situation some ops find themselves in - you are much more vulnerable than you realise op. He has already shocked you, it’s not going to be hard to imagine him doing it again.

The worst one was the op whose dh had an affair and left her and dc, but wouldn’t let her go home. This went on for YEARS, she lived in destitution and he barely saw the dc. She is still there as far as I know. I remember she was broken. No one was able to help her. Dc now have their own lives there and won’t be moving back, terrible.

@mummaAusUk

Could you possibly give more specific examples?

Like, describe a day in your current life and what you dont like about it.

Also, what about the education do you feel is lacking?

I am not arguing, I am just trying to get you to articulate what the actual issues are as I think that might help your decision tree.

Please lock away your passports and get him to agree in writing that they can go. Maybe bry chatting on email or similar?

I'm a Kiwi. Getting out of the UK next month, all going well. Wish we had never come and wish we had acted on the desire to go back to NZ when we first discussed it about six years ago. Sometimes optimism is misplaced and you have to realise you made a bad decision and be humble enough to go home and start again.

I am really sorry. Your partner sounds an absolute cunt to talk so cavalierly about his severing his own family life, saying goodbye to his own kids. It's hard enough forging an existence here when you and your husband are a solid unit but he sounds cruel, dismissive and neglectful.

Go home. Take the kids. You know what? If he is the kind of dad so happy to cut them loose, they won't miss him as much as you think.

I don't think it's that bad that he said to leave without him. He's in the middle of training and I can see why he wants to stay for that. He's given you the option, he isn't trying to force you to stay against your will.
Personally, I would try to see it out for the three years until the training is complete, with the condition that you all come back then if you still hate it. After that, you can't say you haven't given it a good try. And he has what he needs. I think you will find the kids miss him if you leave and that you still won't be happy.
Perhaps you can have some extended holidays back to the UK which will help. The child who doesn't like it may well be picking up on your negativity - look for the positives and try to enjoy it.

Im in same position and stay because my children have a better quality of life here and with having their Dad around and I would be destitute if I went back to the UK on my own with them and would have to start from scratch (I’d get money from the divorce but not enough to buy a home etc). It’s so hard living away from friends and family. I will say the first year was hard and having been here 5 years my friends and family back home complain so much about the UK I do wonder if the grass is greener in my mind. There’s a lot I love about here and that is much better than the UK. I mostly miss family, friends, food items and the beautiful UK countryside but I don’t miss the difficulty finding well paid jobs, lower wages, awful healthcare, traffic everywhere, expensive overpriced tiny homes or awful weather. I’m planning a visit home next year and I think you should do the same to actually work out if you’re homesick or just romanticising the UK. I’ve had two friends move back and one immediately moved right back to Aus!! The idea of home was better than the reality.

Go home. My nana did the opposite and wanted to stay in aus to be with her family (10 pound poms in the 70s) but didn't want to split her family up so came back to UK and although she bore it with grace and without malice, she missed her family so much it cast a shadow over her life. She missed her sister, brother and parents and nieces and then the family they all created too, just so sad.

Personally, I would be booking the flights to come home immediately. One of your DC hasn’t settled well and you are very unhappy. Your DP has told you he doesn’t mind if you return to the UK without him, so I would leave before he changes his mind. Hopefully, DP will want to return to the UK with you, but at least you won’t end up trapped living in a country you don’t like. If you become a single parent, at least you’ll have your friends and family nearby to support or comfort you.

Kindly OP, I don’t think he’s putting his job first, I think he’s putting him first. He obviously likes it and is (possibly) happy to be away from the UK. I would leave now but make sure you have his consent to leave with the children in writing. I’m sorry this is happening to you. So many men are selfish - blows my mind

It's a big move to just chuck in after a year. You made a commitment, and I think you need to try for a little longer. I can't see that ending your marriage to return single to the UK with two children heartbroken by the loss of their dad would be preferable?

Hey. Don’t know if this will help but there is a FaceBook page called “Ping Pong Poms” in IDENTICAL situations to you! They can offer great advice on how to navigate your situation.

I found it a great help. I moved back to the UK and for me I have not missed Oz once but in a different situation may have felt differently.

Personally I think you should always give a move 2 years before making a decision. Also think about what you will do if your partner does not change their mind?

Sorry I read your post the wrong way round but still applies. It can take a while to feel settled when moving overseas