Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

Obviously I've read the thread. That's why I said
"But the only solution she wants is to move back to the UK with her partner. Nothing else will do."

I just can't work out why the OP moved to Australia in the first place. I'm not as close to my family as the OP sounds and there is no way I would have moved to the other side of the world with 2 young children. It's something that we considered due to work advantages but we didn't want to be away from our support networks. She says she didn't know how she would feel - but come off it - did she not use her imagination or read about or talk to anyone who had made a move like this?

She said in her OP why she moved, and there's nothing like being there for the full realisation to be apparent. Not always immediately.

Yes you need to do it for the full realisation - but it doesn't appear that the OP thought it through at all beforehand.

Homesickness is utterly horrible and vastly underrated as to how it can affect you mentally. Life is too short to live somewhere that doesn’t feel like home, unless you’re the sort of person who can handle it.

I lived and worked here in the UK in the 2000s for a couple of years and loved it! Visited my husband's family regularly from overseas in the following years. Then we moved back in 2019 and were totally unprepared for how different it felt now. We regretted it very quickly, tried to give it a good go, but we are leaving soon- and probably won't be back.

Sometimes you change, sometimes the place changes. For us it was 100% both. Don't blame the OP. Sometimes you just can't fathom what it will be like until you are actually doing the thing.

If you're on the Sunshine Coast, feel free to dm me. And I'm assuming you're part of fb group Ping Pong Poms?

I'm not unfortunately, but I am in Queensland. Thank you though. I am part of that group. I mainly just read others posts. Although I think it gives me more worries 😄

I've sent you a PM @mummaAusUk

HE changed. NOT the OP! He said give it a year. The OP has and is unhappy, but now her Not Very DP loves his training and his HOBBIES and doesn't want to leave.

Only ONE person has sabotaged this move, and it is NOT the OP.

The DP made promises that HE is now breaking, all for HIS pleasure and enjoyment.

@mummaAusUk I don't blame you for wanting to move back. Your DP sounds incredibly selfish, and many posters here sound just like him. He asked for a year, and you gave it a year. I think if you try and stay, he could make it impossible for you to ever leave. I, personally, would not enjoy being held prisoner in another country, along with my children. His life will continue to expand and exclude you more and more. You need to do what is best for YOU and your children, and that sounds like going home to the UK. You have kept your end of the bargain and him moving the goalposts shows me just what type of person he truly is, and it isn't a nice picture.
You aren't the "little woman" having to follow your DP wherever he may roam. You're your own person and as such, need to please yourself (and then your children) most of all.

Some people have no trouble living far away from family, in their own cocoon. Other's find it impossible and need that family closeness, comfort and support. Sadly, the former seldom understand the needs of the latter.

He could always say he's not the 'little man' who has to follow his DP either. They could decide this makes them no longer a good match and go their own way. That part's easy.

What's not easy is that they have brought children into this mix. Children that are now resident in Australia and can't be taken back to the UK without the father's consent.

This puts OP in the position where she might have to choose between staying in Australia with her children or going back to the UK without them, leaving them with their father. Or having to go to court to see if a judge will grant permission for her to relocate the children.

It might be good for OP to get some legal advice from a family lawyer just to be sure of where she stands and what her options are.

And vice versa! What a sabotaging post.

Now I know you’re in Queensland I can fully understand your alienation.

We have cousins in Adelaide and friends in Sydney and have visited a few times, including Melbourne. All those places seemed quite cultured, but Queensland is so very different.

A childhood friend moved to Cairns decades ago - pre-children as she met a guy backpacking in Thailand, so she was at leisure to decide if she liked it or not. She stayed, married and now has grown up children.

She visited the UK a few years ago and we caught up, and I was quite shocked at how she’d changed. She’d been quite cool and feminine when I’d known her, but she was basically an “ocker” now, and described a life of hard drinking round their pool with not much else to do. Apparently you can’t use the beaches there as there’s too much dangerous wildlife. She seemed happy but was also twice the size she’d been back here!

What , no Brit’s are twice the size than what they were ?

Take a recording of his consent. Hop on a plane to visit your family and stay there. This is your safest route out.

I take it the OP’s boyfriend is a doctor. And the OP has enough £££ of her own to be granted PR in her own right, hence didn’t get married to him before they left the U.K..

Doctors generally have far better living standards in Oz than they do in the U.K. in terms of £££ anyway. especially when they reach consultant. But they can have a great work life balance before that, compared to U.K. anyway.

I’ve known doctors and their families go for ever and some who returned after 10 years. The ones that only went for a year were only there for a specific 1 year thing tho.

OP if your boyfriend is set on doing the 4 years then you might want to consider how best to make it work.

Coming back after 1 year would likely mean redoing training he is in the middle of in Aus. Plus. There are not many jobs in the UK right now and there appear to be many Down Under.

So,,,,.. to make it work….. can you organise for your F&F to visit at regular intervals over the next 12m - 24m? Incl over Christmas.

and could you come back for a 3 week break here every British summer?

Also could you move somewhere more suitable for you and the kids?

and you really do need to adopt a granny or find a student to babysit. It does sound like you and your boyfriend need to invest in your relationship a bit more, which means getting used to other people looking after your kids. Even if it was only for a couple of hours whilst you went to the gym or out for dinner or to do a Cross Fit class….

i had a friend who was in Sydney and they adopted a granny. Was brilliant for them and their kids.

This is really good advice.

My British friends tell me there are the same staffing issues in Australia as there are in the U.K., and they were surprised to work very long hours there too. The mythical work life balance didn’t materkise. The extra money didn’t go far because export costs drives up prices in Australia.

They are net/net financially around the same. Most accept that London is the best place to be a consultant - not only in terms of salary but also for career advancement/world leading.

Op does not need to stay just because her dh is a doctor or undertaking some training.. The same training will be available in the U.K.

I would strongly advise op to cut her losses asap and head home. The longer she stays, the harder it’s going to become to leave.