Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

But he's made his feelings clear and so the ball is in your court. I don't think you'll be able to convince him to come back with you. He's happy there and has stated already you can take the kids and go hell visit from time to time. It's up you what the next move is. I think you should give it more time for the sake of your family. However it seems you don't agree. That's fine. Hopefully it works out somehow for you. But when presented with a difficult decision I like to weigh up the worse case scenarios to help me make a move going forwards all the best.

Can you tell us three positive things and three negative things about Australia?

And also what is it that you specifically don't like about it?

And what if in a year’s time she still hates life in Australia, he changes his mind and refuses to alllow her to go home. She will have lost her opportunity to return? It isn’t just as simple as give it another year. Not that there are any simple answers in this scenario but he may become even more insistent about them staying put.

OP, may I ask why you aren't married? I'm not judging and there may well be a good reason, hence the question. But put together with how he seems to be prioritising his wants over his family, to the point where he's seriously suggesting you and the kids go home and live without him, I'm wondering if this family really is as close as you say and if he really is devoted to you and your kids, especially as one of them isn't happy either. The answer to that might inform your next steps. If he is not really dedicated to you and his family and doesn't make decisions based on what's best for you all as a whole, that should impact how much of your happiness you ought to sacrifice for him.

Positive.. I love how outdoorsy and sunny it is sorry that's my only positive.

Negative I find making connections hard, family is so far away & im unhappy more than happy here.

Sorry that's all I can think of currently.

Also the education side is a little bit of a let down too.

The situation she is in is very difficult no doubt. As a mother I would put the needs of my family first. So I would give it another year before moving back. I couldn't consciously move before two years when one child is happy there and the repercussions of splitting a family would be on my head if I left prematurely. There's a very good chance she will be happy in a year and all the worse case scenarios don't come to fruition. However if she isn't I suppose I would rather be stuck in Australia with my family then break my family up so I could be in the UK. People will feel differently of course this is just my perspective and only the OP can decide for herself.

What about the child who isn’t happy and wants to return though? Their needs matter too. And yes more time might help some people but sometimes you just know that something is not right for you, no matter how much other people love it. A lot of people told my friend that. She hates it even more ten years in than she did at first when she was open minded and looking forward to an adventure.

I lived there for ten years. I didn’t like it although people constantly told me that I should. Especially people who have never been an immigrant.

It’s harder to move once your children are settled and your husband is thriving in his job. Then it’s just you, the mother, upsetting the apple cart and sacrificing their life for the family.

I think that a lot of the time, the men just have the same life as they did before. Going to work and then a family life. If you are a SAHM you have to build a whole new life from scratch. As soon as my youngest started school in Australia I got a job. That’s not easy either though as you have to build a whole support network as you have no family to rely on.

I agree and this is what is making me want to leave more..my children are very much family orientated and thrive around family and here were very much alone. My partner works most days.

Agree that you need the kids to get back to the UK if you think Aus isn’t where you want to be. If they create deep roots there with friends/school then you may end up having to stay forever or never see them (if you move back). Also keep in mind the kids will have a say in where they stay once they’re teens or even younger.

Thank you for this insight. I agree I am a SAHM and it's very difficult. I feel like in my gut I know I'll never be happy here and prolonging it I'm just allowing myself to become stuck here

“Just unhappy” - can you really not analyse in more detail your feelings? If you need to change things you need to dig down a bit more.

Is it medical training he’s doing? If it is, I can see why he’s prioritising his job. By all accounts, Oz is a good place to be. I understand you don’t like where you’re living but would you be happier as a single parent back in the UK? Your kids missing their dad and the child who has adjusted fine angry about it all? Is it possible you could make the best of it? Really make efforts to seek out local groups-move house where there is an expat community so the culture gap isn’t so bad? Concentrate on the fact your kids have an outdoor life and more freedom to do things not so easy in the UK. Don’t worry about disrupting them in 3 years f necessary-having their family split would affect them more.

Being a sahm is difficult in the UK probably more isolating in another country. Will you afford to be a sahm mum alone in the UK? Don't you think finding a job may make you feel more settled in Australia?

I realise you might prefer not to say, but is your DH a medic? If so then work is such a big part of his life that I think you need to respect his decision.
It sounds as though your mind is made up about going home, but is it worth trying to change your mindset so that you stop seeing going back to UK as a real possibility? I think in your position I would be making the decision not to break up the family and to somehow come to terms with accepting the situation, but I recognise that is easy for an outsider not in the situation to say. Would the reality of being a single parent with a lot less money really make the UK so appealing?

The not being married isn't a huge thing, as Australia recognises de facto spouses. But yeah if you stay and the kids want to stay and he refuses to let them come back, then you're on your own. Can you get a job? I'd hate to not work, whatever country I lived in.

This is what I'm warning against. With a DH moving the goalposts the boiled frog problem is even more likely.

I do agree with PP it takes 2 years to be settled though (have moved a lot throughout my life, as a kid and as an adult).

I have ended up living the last 20 years far from family and it's a constant wrench. There are many good sides to my life here and for me the pros outweigh the cons, but I will always be sad that I (and my kids) didn't have that. Anything else you can work around/improve in my experience, but family is the one thing you can't replace, so it depends how close you are to them and if you could risk not being able to have them in your everyday life again (if your DH then doesn't let you take the kids home).

We are in Asia and it definitely got easier after the 2 year mark. That said we keep in regular touch with friends from Uk and are fortunate to go back a few times a year and are a bit closer for people to visit us too. I’d try to stick it out a bit longer if you can and you both need to sit down and properly talk a jut compromise and what happens if it still isn’t working for you then. Our plan was always if it didn’t work for us both we would go back at 3 years.

^ this. Establish residency in the UK even if you do decide to try & make it work for longer just so if it does end badly you won't be stuck in Australia permanently

Is it possible your husband's views on this (willingness to let you go) is also rattling your home sickness (desire to be with your own people in your own home country) because that is a really odd response from him with potentially losing his family especially in a country which has almost doubled in price living costs wise so he would lose alot of value having a broken home/child support payments/personal costs in Australia ect.

I lived in the UK for 10 years, had both dc there and as time went on, I got settled although the first year of dc1 life was so incredibly hard for me.

Out of the blue an opportunity came to move back to Aus and I can honestly say, I'm so glad to be back near my family.

Interestingly you mention education here as a let down. I found schooling in England horrendous. We're all happier here with that.

If I were you OP I'd go home. Your family is important to you and you're going to resent your dh sooner rather than later for keeping you apart. Imagine splitting from them but being stuck in Aus because they decide you can't take your dc back to the UK.

Thank you for this insite. Yes that idea is making me want to run home much quicker. I didn't think of the other points though so thank you for that. It's a very confusing situation to be in as I don't know what to do for the best. I know the UK isn't great but it's home.

My partner has said he resent me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit.

I find this very disturbing.

You’re thinking of the family group, not wanting to split up your little unit, and he’s purely thinking of himself. I cannot believe that any decent father would willingly suggest for his children to be on the other side of the world.

I’ll be honest, OP: I’d be moving back to the UK with the kids. I’ve never said LTB before, But I think you should.

See I've heard the opposite from people who have moved shorter distances, that it is too easy when the going gets rough to head back to your home country rather than ride it out and adapt. Depends how you look at it I suppose.

Just some words of caution... my Aunt moved to Australia in the 80s when her oldest child was soon to start school.
Her three kids have grown up now and it's split the family. She now has one child in Australia, one in London and one in New Zealand!