Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

What about his career ? Seems he’s being trained up for a good position. Would he get that same benefit in the UK ? With one child being upset , do you think they can sense it from you ?

That is my worry too. I agree I think I had Australia built up in my head to be amazing and it's just not what I thought at all.

Why did you want to leave the UK? It hasn't got better since you left.

It is a decent job but he also had a good job before we left too. I believe he will do great no matter where we are. I dont think so he was fine to begin but found school hard and then recent been asking to leave

I'd get out while I could. In a year's time your kids might want to stay and then what would you do?

We just left to travel and try Australia as a family but unfortunately wasn't what I thought. I never disliked home

That's my worry too! Thank you

If you read expat forums, it’s disturbing how common it is for Mothers to become trapped in this way. I’m not saying that no one should ever move but I notice that a lot of people on MN are blase about moving and tell people that of course you can try it for a year or two then return. Well yes sometimes that works out but unfortunately often it doesn’t and partners refuse to return which if they have children, usually means that the woman is stuck there. I know someone else in the US who is stuck in a similar situation and it’s deprived her of so much.

Where in Australia are you ?

Where are you in Aus? If you dont like it, I'd also probably leave now but if your husband won't agree to come with you, I would really think if you want to separate.

It's such a scary thought. I wish I never came..it's so sad as I love my little family. I'll take a look thank you.

And he does keep moving the goalposts...

If you left do you think he'd miss you enough to follow?

I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation and I hope that things work out for you.

Personally I think he would. But him saying for us to leave without him as shook me as I never thought he would say that so who knows

Might it be helpful to specify the things that are making you unhappy and see how many of the things on your list are within your control to change. Nothing will change if nothing changes, what you need to determine is whether those changes can be small or the nuclear option of jacking it all in.

I don’t think you have given it long enough (I’ve moved several times - different countries and continents).
What are your positives and negatives about Australia?

Thank you so much. I really hope they do too. I love my little family and I wish it wasn't this complicated

The two worse case scenarios are: you are still unhappy in a year and the kids are settled so you feel you must stay or partner stops you from leaving.

Or you move back now, this breaks up your family and you struggle being a single mum in the UK. The kids aren't happy either.

Suppose you need to think which worse case scenario is most bearable for you.

Sounds like a case of “same shit, different scenery”. Who’s to say your unhappy kid wouldn’t be finding it difficult back “home”?

Can you articulate exactly what it is you don't like/the reasons you feel unsettled?

Deary me thanks for putting it clear 😆 I don't like either idea. I just wish he could understand how I feel and would move back with me..I will think about that though thank you

Where in Australia are you? That makes a big difference.

Do you have a job?

How old are the children and at what stage of schooling are they?

Is this training your DP is doing also valid in the UK? Would he be able to get a job in the UK when it is finished? What if you were to stay until he finishes the training and then he says oops, not able to get a job in the UK because I'd have to retrain/be recertified/whatever so can't leave Australia?

I do think that 18 months isn't long enough to settle though. I moved abroad (not as far away as Australia) and I found there was initial excitement on arriving - everything new etcetc. Then that wore off and I was unsettled for a while and then things improved. It takes a while to get used to the culture of a country and it also takes a long time to make deeper friendships like you might have had in the UK.

Very difficult situation and I feel for you, I really do.

The two year thing gets said a lot and that's because it's quite true for lots of us. I've done two big moves and the second one was better just because I had the right sort of expectations about my new life. It's really easy in the first excitement to think it will quicker and then the reality sets it, and it's often really miserable. Especially, as I have been, when you're not the one with the new job and all the distraction and challenge that that brings.

You've said you're making friends, which is great. I'd really urge you to give it another year and take stock then.

It’s not that black and white though because he probably wishes you could understand how he feels .