Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

I do agree with you that he was never going to give up his four year contract after one year but I cannot see any good reason why he told the OP the line about staying for a year if one wanted to go home if he didn't mean it. It could be said that he's been stringing her along and lulling her into a false sense of security.

I underestimated how I would feel once here as I previously said.

What does it matter how I qualified. The country are stricted but we met all requirements and I have a PR.

I've already stated were both not comfortable with childcare or baby sitters. Maybe they do benefit from all kinds of relationships but I'm not about to leave my baby with a stranger so I can have a night out. That's not me or what I'm about if that's you then cool.

As stated previously I do go to baby groups and have friends and get togethers. I have made a huge effort.

No moving to somewhere else isn't an option due to my partners job.

Do not suggest I am naive, I never said understanding I said that they aren't very interested in face time and video calls. Although we do them my little ones have little interest. They thrive in being with family not sat chatting to them on video calls. That works for myself but not the kids.

Well luckily you are not my partner so that opinion really isn't needed is it. Hell yes I want things that make me happy as I'm the main parent caring for our children. I want to be a happy mum with my children. Is that not understandable? That doesn't mean I want my partner to be unhappy. That's why I'm still here.

Yes I would be a sAHM for a while no matter where we were. As I'm their MUM that's natural to be that. Makes no sense to me why id spend 9 months growing a baby to then leave the baby in someone elses care for the foreseeable. That isn't an issue for us though. He doesn't FUND me.. I worked up to having our baby and if I did work id be paying for childcare?

Nothing about you comment was very helpful but thank you for taking time

The thing with friendships is it takes years to build a really close bond. Friendships are usually still only in early stages after just a year. So I doubt you have a really close bond with anyone?

It's a tough situation OP. I hope you can either find a way to be happy in Australia or work out a return plan with your DH fully on board.

I think if it came to you returning to the UK, OP, you need to plan for every scenario. Start with the worst: you come home, snd the relationship doesn't survive. Put aside the emotional stuff. Consider things like whether the money for the old house you sold is just his at law (e.g. if he inherited the house or bought it prior to your relationship), or whether you have equal rights to it. Might be.a good idea to seek legal advice on that since you aren't married. Would half that amount be enough to buy a place near your family? Would you be entitled to any benefits if you split up or would that house deposit money prevent you from claiming any assistance? Really consider how it could pan out for you financially if you returned home and you two split up.

If you return home and he stays in Oz for the next three years but you stay "together" (very hard but not impossible) where will you live? Can your family accommodate you and the kids for three years? Can you maintain two households on either side of the world- would your husband move into cheap student digs? Could you afford to live near your family anyway? Could you get work? How often could he realistically take time off from his training scheme to make that mammoth trip home to see you all?

You need a pen and paper as PP said

Thank you for your understanding in what I have said.

I agree I think people are taking it way too personal and I really don't understand it. If someone said they didn't like the UK it would have no baring on me or my life.

I completely agree with what you have said. Do you live in the UK now?

I do. We returned when the DC were heading into secondary school and wanted them to have more continuity. My youngest had been at 8 primary schools so we wanted only 1 secondary school!

It worked for us. I was happy moving around and setting up our lives, there were more SAHM as we were in countries where the trailing spouse didn’t have a work visa. And very importantly we had kids who thrived in that environment, quick to adapt and make friends, no learning needs (ADHD but had medication).

We once left a country early, when I said it wasn’t working for me and returned to the UK for a few years. Had a short term negative effect on my husbands carer but not a long term one.

I had friends who it didn’t work out for, for lots of different reasons - the kids were unhappy, learning needs that needed stability and being in the UK, culture shock and homesickness, missing family, unexpected medical events ….

We enjoyed bouncing around the world for a few years but it isn’t for everyone.

(as an aside, with the other mums you know would you consider a babysitting circle? That way you aren’t leaving with a stranger, and usually only after bed. But it might give you some time with your husband out of the house to either reconnect or have the discussion you need.)

Wow! Now you’re getting passive aggressive OP. Seems like you only came on here for long distance hugs. Poor you. Ball’s in your court. Stick in, make a go of it, contribute to building new life for your family unit. OR. Wreck the whole thing. Your choice. You can make a Right decision, a Wrong decision or No decision. Number three is where you’re at, enjoying the hugs. But it’s the worst option. Get on with it.

The OP comes across as somewhat immature and is placing herself in a vulnerable position. How things turn out now largely depends on her partner, as he holds all the cards.

She moved to Australia without fully considering the realities of living there. She is now sticking her head in the sand about the implications of staying there any longer.

Yes I would be a sAHM for a while no matter where we were. As I'm their MUM that's natural to be that. Makes no sense to me why id spend 9 months growing a baby to then leave the baby in someone elses care for the foreseeable. That isn't an issue for us though. He doesn't FUND me.. I worked up to having our baby and if I did work id be paying for childcare?

This is all well and good but where is the money going to come from if you return to the UK with the children and he stays in Australia and you're going to continue to be a SAHM?
Have you got shit loads of savings?
You'll have to run a second household in the UK. How are the costs of running two households going to be covered?
Are you going to return to the uk and get your parents to provide childcare while you go back to work? Or are you going to go back to work and put the children in paid for childcare anyway?

You say you want to go back but you don't seem to want to consider the issues that are going to arise.
You need to be sitting down properly with pen and paper and working things out so you can see what scenarios are possible and what aren't.

You got yourself into this mess by moving to Australia with DP without thinking through the consequences properly. Now you'll need to do a lot of thinking and planning to get yourself out of this mess.

It's scary to contemplate this stuff especially if you are young, vulnerable, isolated, and wholly dependent on someone else.

Totally agree. I just can’t see that she’s thought anything through at all. How on earth can OP fund a separate household without an income? Unless she plans to live dependent on her parents.

I do also worry that OP if she comes from loving stable family background may also underestimate how easy it can be for some men to actually walk away from their families. For an awful lot of them it really is "out of sight out of mind."

If he did let her get on that plane with the kids (a big if), that might well be that.

I do feel for the OP because I think she’s not helping herself here at all.

Unless the OP has a private income of some kind, just by being a SAHM with a man she’s not married to is an unwise choice that makes her financially vulnerable, whether in the UK or elsewhere. MN is riddled with threads from women in that situation who have come unstuck.

There’s not much point in growing a baby for 9 months if you then can’t afford to feed or house that baby. If the OP returns to the UK alone she will have to set aside her principles and get a job - unless her family agree to support her.

I find it odd that on the one hand her DP can do his training back in the UK but on the other he has to remain in Smallville, somewhere in northern Australia, to do so there.

If they aren’t married, would he be able to stop her? I wouldn’t have children and go to Oz with a man I wasn’t married to when I wasn’t even working.

Yes, you can't remove a child from their other parent like that.

What matters is whether he is their father and where they were living. Both the UK and Australia are signatories to the 1980 Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction. Either parent trying to take the child to another country to live without the other's permission would face arrest. This would equally be the case if he gave permission for a short holiday to England with them and OP didn't return with them as promised; that's also a wrongful removal and is a criminal offence.

Her DP could have the children returned to him in Oz since that is where they have been living and OP could be arrested either in transit or later on in England.

I do have savings. Living wise id be fine here or UK. I have thought about that. Unfortunately I can't write every detail on here. I have thought about all areas of this. I wouldn't move back with my children if I couldn't afford to care for them

What are you waiting for?
Tell your partner that you're going to move back. The plan is to move by such and such a date.
Get accommodation sorted in the UK for when you get back and assuming he gives permission to take the children, get on a plane and go.

I get you don't want to leave your partner but on the other hand you seem absolutely determined to go, so go. You're never going to be happy in Australia, you've told us that many times.

I think you are hoping to persuade him to go with you but I don't think he will.

I agree with this. I also think if you stay - this will fester and inadvertently erode your relationship anyway - you will then be in the worst possible situationship separated without partner or family as you struggle with single parenthood. Also by then - there will be bad blood between you and he will not allow you to take the DCs back to teh UK.

The only other thing I can suggest is that the OP moves herself and her children to somewhere less remote and less hot in Australia with her DP staying at the weekends , and see if that works. But depending on where she is (again!) that may not be an option - the distances are obviously huge.

Right now the OP is there and needs her DP’s permission to move his children to another country. If he doesn’t want to move until his training is over and won’t allow the children to go then she needs to try to make a more comfortable life for herself there - with him or without.

Where is she in Australia? Sorry if I have missed the post.

We don’t know, she won’t say. Which is frustrating because I think people could support her better. There’s a difference between being in northern WA, northern QLD or the NT.

It’s like saying I’ve moved to Europe and I’m struggling and you don’t know if she’s in Paris or a hamlet in Belarus.

Thanks for this @Ddakji.
I have asked the same question more than once for the same reasons.
I have a friend near Townsville.. 10 years later and she is still struggling as the humidity and not making any close friends has taken it's toll. She longs to move elsewhere in Oz but can't due to Husbands work.

She won't say because she doesn't want people to come up with solutions such as move somewhere else; join such and such a group in the location where she is etc.
But the only solution she wants is to move back to the UK with her partner. Nothing else will do.

The OP's missing her family. Haven't you read the thread? Moving from wherever she might be to central Sydney is not going to solve that.