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Moved to Aus from the Uk

793 replies

mummaAusUk · 31/07/2025 11:26

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

OP posts:
mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 04:29

Urgenthelplease · 03/08/2025 23:41

I also disagree its bland, I think that's a really ignorant comment. As is saying if it wasn't sunny people wouldn't move here. Seeing 300k people marching across the bridge yesterday in support of Gaza in the torrential rain was extremely moving. Aussies fundamentally have a very caring and warm spirit and the country is absolutely incredible in terms of variance. I

In my first year here I visited every state except the NT and they all have a different feel. Beach days get boring? Being on holiday all the time is tedious. Okay then.. like I said, its fine to miss family and prefer England but you don't need to insult an entire country in the process. As you're still refusing to say where you live I'm bowing out.

That's my opinion on the place I am..I'm allowed my own opinion I was expressing my every day life here. Sorry is that not allowed?

I haven't visited every part of Australia so can't speak for it as a whole but where I am I can. And I'm not talking about the people as such. I was agreeing with someone else's comment and it's fair for me to do so. I'm the one living here and that's how I currently feel. I did say it's beautiful which it is.

OP posts:
mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 04:41

Thank you for your replies everyone..some comments have really helped and given me alot to think about. I don't think you can ever say the right thing on these forums, someone is always going to get their back up or just look for an argument which is why I usually wouldn't post on them, but I needed an outsiders view on my situation without it concerning family members.

I'm not making my decision lightly. My children and partner are always my priority but wider family is also important to me and my children. Family will always come before a career or job for me so I find it hard to understand any other way. I love my partner dearly and I will keep communicating with him in hopes that we can sort this situation out amicably. I think maybe he was angry when he made the comment previously (I'm hoping) I will update everyone on what I decide. I won't be dragging it out but I also won't rush my decision.

OP posts:
Lushvegetation · 04/08/2025 05:08

Best of luck OP.

isthismylifenow · 04/08/2025 05:29

mummaAusUk · 03/08/2025 23:08

It's pretty much still the same.. it's very beautiful but also very bland. It's always warm which nice but the days are the same as being anywhere.. school, work, eat, clean, sleep. Beach days are beautiful but they get boring. It's definitely like being on a permanent holiday (that isn't because I'm not working) life here feels like it's paused and I'm on a strange new planet. I know the area and I have friends so it isn't the newness. It's just not the life I enjoy. It is very average. If it wasn't warm no way would people be drawn to Australia.

Where are you in Australia where it is warm all the time?

As it's winter now.

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 04/08/2025 06:10

I hope you can get out, OP. I do think if you don't gel with a foreign place then you have to get out before the ick sets in and all you can see are its bad points (I have been struggling with this the last couple of years). It sounds as if you never did a recce of the place before visiting which is a pretty common mistake. But even if you do (as with me- I actually lived here for a couple of years in my 20s and visited regularly) it can still go pear shaped when you try to forge a life there.

That said, if you are stuck there, a job or doing some training course (accounting? Language teaching? Legal exec? Nursing theory? Early years education? PR? Secretarial? Social media management? Perhaps related to your old job pre-kids, perhaps something new. What interests you? There are courses you can do part time that could lead you nicely to re-entering the workforce when your LO is of school age) would solve many of your problems. Self respect, less time to brood, setting an example for your kids, expanding your social circle and eventually more money (ie. more options). It's not so common to be a SAHM down under anymore but that's another thread.

CatchTheWind1920 · 04/08/2025 06:39

mummaAusUk · 03/08/2025 11:31

Hi, thank you for your response.. I'm very sorry to hear your situation also. It's so hard isn't it. Knowing what decision is the right one.

See if I came here prior to children there is no way I'd return yet I'd probably be able to stick it out as long as needed as I don't have any risk hanging over me. Being here with children is another thing completely. It's made me realise that I want to share them with family and if we say here (possibly forever) they will never have any family here and neither will their kids and so on. you're right it has broke my trust a little bit because Im so vulnerable right now and I needed my partner to comfort me and also let me feel secure and know that my feelings are okay and valid and the possibility in going home is still there. His response scared the hell out of me and it's made me feeling running even more.

We have since spoke and I feel a little better..I'm going to give it another few months and chat again and see what we are going to do I think..

I hope you make the right decision for you too! I do think your kids have you so they will be fine regardless of where you are. I'd always choose being close to family. With children having that support network is so important I feel

X good luck

I really hope you work it out, op. It's rough missing home and I resonate with a lot of what you're saying (as I said, which has only really been the case since I've had children, otherwise I think I could've stayed in my EU country forever).

And thank you. My DH is happy here, loves his job but he's seen that despite me trying for a few years, I'm still wanting to go "home" so we've agreed to go next summer and he's going to try out living in the UK...of course it's reliant on a visa for us 🙄 Brexit is going to make it a bit of a challenge but hopefully we'll manage somehow.

All the best and I hope the next few months bring clarity / a solution.

CatchTheWind1920 · 04/08/2025 06:46

Nestingbirds · 03/08/2025 20:08

I was a person that ‘swanned off’ and disregarded those that loved me most, if I am honest I couldn’t leave quick enough.

I felt bored at home - looking back it was complacency, and a wish to experience so many different cultures and ways of life. To challenge what I ‘knew’ to exist in a different way.

Whilst I was doing that I missed what was right before me. The precious bonds that is finite with family and old friends. That they WON’T actually be there forever, happy to accept the annual breadcrumbs.

Now I am much older I can’t rewind what I have done. I can’t change the past. That said I am obviously more cultured, bilingual. On paper I am very interesting. I can’t change what is lost though. I do wonder if it was ever worth it.

I felt homesick for a solid 18 months before I realised it wasn’t going to pass. This time it was knawing at my soul. I recognise OP’s anguish, and fear. I know how hard it is to wake up every day and feel like you are in the wrong place. Towards the end I couldn’t even manage a hello to those around me. A depression of sorts descends.

I have realised since then that it’s quite common. Homesickness can make you very ill. It’s not a fleeting non issue. But something that can cause severe mental health problems.

Op should not force herself to endure years of this, and she certainly should be taking her dc’s feelings into consideration - especially dc, this can shape their foundation years. Children need to feel safe, they need to feel as if they belong. They need roots and a home. For secure attachment (and this is a hated term
amongst the more free wheeling ex pats) your child needs to be secure.

Edited

I also found this very helpful, thanks for your post. I resonated a lot with it. I also left really happily at 21, had a brilliant 10ish years abroad. I don't know if it was a mix of COVID, having children and getting older but suddenly I just felt the need to go home as I was missing my family so much.

It took me around 18 months alone to realise it was homesickness I was feeling then realised after a further 2 years, it wasn't going away.
The security /stability for the children is what worries me about moving them to the UK, I feel like I'm throwing a little grenade in their lives and as op said, it's such a hard decision when kids are involved and your own feelings etc. We're fortunate that my eldest hasn't started school yet so that's why I want to get across next summer before he starts.

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 06:57

CatchTheWind1920 · 04/08/2025 06:39

I really hope you work it out, op. It's rough missing home and I resonate with a lot of what you're saying (as I said, which has only really been the case since I've had children, otherwise I think I could've stayed in my EU country forever).

And thank you. My DH is happy here, loves his job but he's seen that despite me trying for a few years, I'm still wanting to go "home" so we've agreed to go next summer and he's going to try out living in the UK...of course it's reliant on a visa for us 🙄 Brexit is going to make it a bit of a challenge but hopefully we'll manage somehow.

All the best and I hope the next few months bring clarity / a solution.

Ah that's great news for you! I do hope it works out for you guys!
Thank you! That's so true children change everything don't they. Prior to kids I reckon I'd have been fine for a good while. But I feel they're missing so much

OP posts:
Bluedenimdoglover · 04/08/2025 07:36

I don't think a year is long enough to establish yourself in a new country. It's natural to be homesick. I'd give it the 3 years - and use the time to get to know country - you might learn to love it.

Nestingbirds · 04/08/2025 07:43

The truth is when you have children you become much more vulnerable. When the sun is shining and life feels easy ofc it can be fun - but the truth is there is always an underlying vulnerability that if you are seriously ill or worse you have no real back up, no support network at all to speak of. Evan with great friends I felt very exposed and scared in hospital, and alone.

If something were to happen what happens to the dc? Who cares for them? It is the lack of security, constant lack of support that is very noticeable when you have young children. Things can and do happen. I do understand exactly what op means. The deep connections and love a family has for her dc, there is no substitute.

Agonyaunt53 · 04/08/2025 08:27

He's lied to you and he's reneging on your agreement. He's putting his happiness ahead of your own. On the other hand, he's clearly experiencing a much better quality of life in Australia and it's true that the UK offers far less right now. The other issue is your family. Can you have a Zoom once a week or so with them, and save up to visit every year? If not, you have to decide what's best for the children. I'd say having their dad around. That might not be what's best for you, however. I'd find a therapist asap if you can (or even chat gpt if that's not an option) and work out what matters most.

holrosea · 04/08/2025 09:21

Hi OP, have you actually spoken about this to your DP since you started this thread?

Because the main gist of it seems to be:

  1. He signed up for a three-year training plan but you both said you'd give it a year and see how you both feel.
  2. You're at the one-year mark and have told him that despite making efforts to meet people/find community, you are struggling to settle and really miss being close to family back home.
  3. Despite this one-year agreement, he is now saying "give it another year" or "but I need three years to qualify".
  4. His solution to you being homesick and feeling unmoored was "take the kids back to the UK, I'll visit".

His response suggests that mentally he has detatched from the family unit, he likes the potential of this new Aussie life more than he likes the idea of you and the kids, or that he doesn't believe you'll leave therefore he gets what he wants anyway. Whereas every single one of your posts has been about the family unit, of which you clearly see him as a key part.

Honestly, I think you really need to start thinking "what would I do without him" because he's clearly thought about it the other way. You need to snap yourself out of this "my little family" thinking because he's not listening to your concerns, he's ignoring the previous "one-year check in" agreement, and you're right that he's going to "one more year" you until the kids are both in primary school.

By that time, whether or not your opinion on Australia has changed, you'll have been hoodwinked into staying and then you'll resent him.

It's all big and huge and scary, life-changing, long-term impact decisions, but staying/going both involve big and huge and scary, life-changing, long-term impact consequences for you and your family as a whole. You had best pick which path you want before he closes off your option to go home.

*edited for spelling

ItIsFoggy · 04/08/2025 09:26

Being a SAHM is obviously important to you, OP. I totally understand. It was important to me too. How ill you handle this if you return to the UK alone? Surely you would have to work to support the children? I suggest you think about the 'how' of any decisions you might be considering.

Mirabai · 04/08/2025 10:05

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 04:06

You ask this.... But it is clearly hard for YOU to understand that wider family is just as important to some people. How hypocritical of you.

It sounds like you may not be close to your family (sorry if I'm wrong) and that's fine but don't assume that's everyone else

Where have I said I’m not close to my family? I’m very close to my family but I’ve also lived abroad. Other family members have lived abroad. My parents had a house abroad.

My point has always been that some people are as close to their DP as their family. Equally, that it is possible to be happy away from your family even when you’re close to them.

Because the situation you’re in indicates you may well have to make this choice.

Half the thread is assuring you that you can never be happy where you are; urging you to effectively end your relationship and bring your kids home now.

I think the situation merits more consideration than that. I’m simply trying to give another perspective for balance.

Pessismistic · 04/08/2025 11:23

Mirabai · 03/08/2025 18:26

Yeah it’s really selfish to be the sole breadwinner and spend 4 years training for a good career.

He told you that you can leave and he would stay so he was choosing career over his kids that was the selfish part.

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 11:29

Nestingbirds · 04/08/2025 07:43

The truth is when you have children you become much more vulnerable. When the sun is shining and life feels easy ofc it can be fun - but the truth is there is always an underlying vulnerability that if you are seriously ill or worse you have no real back up, no support network at all to speak of. Evan with great friends I felt very exposed and scared in hospital, and alone.

If something were to happen what happens to the dc? Who cares for them? It is the lack of security, constant lack of support that is very noticeable when you have young children. Things can and do happen. I do understand exactly what op means. The deep connections and love a family has for her dc, there is no substitute.

This is all so very true! So scary. It's these things you don't always think of in great detail before the move. It then hits you when you're here.

OP posts:
Lushvegetation · 04/08/2025 11:41

ItIsFoggy · 04/08/2025 09:26

Being a SAHM is obviously important to you, OP. I totally understand. It was important to me too. How ill you handle this if you return to the UK alone? Surely you would have to work to support the children? I suggest you think about the 'how' of any decisions you might be considering.

This is what I don't understand. How can they afford to run two households on opposite sides of the country on one salary, especially a training salary? It's just not feasible. All sorts of things would have to change, including the OP getting a job to support herself.

PinkCampervan · 04/08/2025 13:30

"I think he was angry when he made that comment"

The way you say this, it's like it's an excuse for what he said. It's concerning actually and doesn't make things better it, makes them worse.

You came to Australia for a year primarily because he wanted to and you wanted him to have that opportunity, you got swept up in his excitement of ot all. The agreement was that if it wasn't working after a year, you'd return. Apart from the fact he lied to you, even at that early point, telling you what you wanted to hear to get you there (because if you're not planning on definitely staying you don't sign up for a 4yr training course). Now that you want to hold him to the agreement, he's angry.

Even if we look at it from the perspective of he'd have to give up a life he's loving to return or he'd have to lose you and the DC if you return without him and is angry about that, that's still no different to the situation you're in now and will be in forever if you stay. So it's alright for him to be angry at not being able to have everything how he wants it, but you're just supposed to suck it up not having things how you want it?

"Forever" because it won't be until DC are adults, by then they'll be Australian and likely won't want to uproot themselves to return to UK, especially the youngest who won't even remember UK. Even if you all did return at that point, all the people you left behind 20 years ago will have moved on, adjusted to not really having you in their lives and you won't be going back to what you left. You also couldn't turn back time and regain the relationship through the childhood years because those years would be past.

He's asked you to give up a lot, he's wanting you to remain in that situation for the rest of your life and his response to you not wanting to is anger? Not good. It shows he's not even considering your feelings, only his own.

Stay if you want to make a go of things in Australia, but I think you're foolish if you think he's going to change his mind about staying. He's already told you he won't.

That comment also wasn't as throw-away as you're making it out to be. When it came to it his main concern wasn't losing you or DC, it was losing Australia and his life there. Your and DC unhappiness wasn't on his mind at all, just anger at potentially losing the life he's built. It's really not a great response. Unhappiness (at needing to return to UK), yeh. Disappointment (at losing the life he's built in Oz), sure. But anger? At something happening that he knew was a risk when you all moved here, a risk that he agreed to? Uh, no. That's not on.

There's a reason your recent health scare has highlighted your lack of extended family support. Where was your husband during this scan, when you needed him? He should have taken time off work to take care of DC so you could attend this appointment without them. There's a reason your immediate family isn't enough for you. He's not a team player.

Anger also tells you that if he comes back to the UK he'll resent you, which I reckon will mean the end of your marriage ultimately. I wouldn't be surprised if he heads back to Australia at that point. If he's not a team player during marriage he's highly unlikely to become one upon divorce!

When he says "try for longer" to you, what's the flipside to that? He'll return with you if you can't make it work (not that I'd trust him anyway at this point, even if he said that)? Because if there's no flipside and he's staying regardless, then all "try a bit longer" really means is "don't leave me". Which is meaningless in terms of figuring out a way forward together or coming to a mutually beneficial solution. It's just a plea to maintain the status quo.

If you're going to change what you want to do (leave) then what's he changing to make the situation of you staying work? I suspect the answer is "nothing". And call me cynical but I suspect that even if the answer was "something", that behaviour wouldn't last and he'd slowly slide back to his old ways as soon as you stopped making noises about leaving.

BySassyGreenPanda · 04/08/2025 14:25

TheSandgroper · 04/08/2025 00:54

Actually, by being in Australia, OP made herself less vulnerable. De facto is the same as being married legally.

https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/pubs/defacto

https://cgw.com.au/insights/de-facto-vs-marriage-whats-the-difference/

Edited

This only applied to if they have citizenship or permanent residency. Do we know their status?

TheSandgroper · 04/08/2025 14:32

BySassyGreenPanda · 04/08/2025 14:25

This only applied to if they have citizenship or permanent residency. Do we know their status?

OP said upthread residence wasn’t a problem.

isthismylifenow · 04/08/2025 14:46

Lushvegetation · 04/08/2025 11:41

This is what I don't understand. How can they afford to run two households on opposite sides of the country on one salary, especially a training salary? It's just not feasible. All sorts of things would have to change, including the OP getting a job to support herself.

A few things had not been thought through and this is another.

Nestingbirds · 04/08/2025 15:20

mummaAusUk · 04/08/2025 11:29

This is all so very true! So scary. It's these things you don't always think of in great detail before the move. It then hits you when you're here.

Or in my case after a life threatening illness, which thankfully didn’t end in a worse case scenario for me. It dawned on me as l was lying in a hospital bed how precarious our situation.

I am embarrassed to say I didn’t give it much thought before as I have always been so healthy. My parents were besides themselves with worry at the time, but unable to do anything. Yes we have close friends but it’s really not the same, and you do feel like you are taking advantage when it goes on and on. In my case I ended up with a secondary infection, and needed more medical care.

That said we got through it, but then dh db died unexpectedly, and nothing prepares you for that. It’s tremendously painful even if you are at home. Ten times worse if you are not. I would say these are common life events that are magnified because of the distance.

To live somewhere so far away indefinitely is the most enormous decision, usually made by people that don’t have very much family at all already - and are not close to them. For these people it’s an easier decision in my experience. For those that are close and love their family it is the biggest sacrifice of all.

You have a month op, I suggest you make quiet plans as to how this might work in practice.

You can move to a family home in the U.K. Dh can arrange a house share in Australia if he intends to stay and you can at least settle the children in swiftly.

CatchTheWind1920 · 04/08/2025 15:52

Nestingbirds · 04/08/2025 15:20

Or in my case after a life threatening illness, which thankfully didn’t end in a worse case scenario for me. It dawned on me as l was lying in a hospital bed how precarious our situation.

I am embarrassed to say I didn’t give it much thought before as I have always been so healthy. My parents were besides themselves with worry at the time, but unable to do anything. Yes we have close friends but it’s really not the same, and you do feel like you are taking advantage when it goes on and on. In my case I ended up with a secondary infection, and needed more medical care.

That said we got through it, but then dh db died unexpectedly, and nothing prepares you for that. It’s tremendously painful even if you are at home. Ten times worse if you are not. I would say these are common life events that are magnified because of the distance.

To live somewhere so far away indefinitely is the most enormous decision, usually made by people that don’t have very much family at all already - and are not close to them. For these people it’s an easier decision in my experience. For those that are close and love their family it is the biggest sacrifice of all.

You have a month op, I suggest you make quiet plans as to how this might work in practice.

You can move to a family home in the U.K. Dh can arrange a house share in Australia if he intends to stay and you can at least settle the children in swiftly.

So sorry to hear you went through all that. I'm glad you came out the other side ok. It really hits you when you have children... In my 10 years abroad I had never given it a second thought then suddenly I had two children and realised what would happen if something happened to DH and me? The kids don't have anyone... Or even if something happened to just one of us, how would we juggle that? Meanwhile in the UK, there's at least 6 people who would 100% jump in, and another 4 who would in really dire circumstances.

Thesoundofscience · 04/08/2025 17:31

Op, We are all different (as shown by replies to your post!)

I don’t think you need to justify to anyone why you wanted to try living in Australia as a family but then found it wasn’t for you. You would not have known if you hadn’t tried. Your DP has broken your trust by going back on the deal that if it wasn’t working for one of you, you’d return home. That’s your main issue. If the deal had been “We’ll stay for four years no matter what” you’d be having a different conversation.

I think it’s great that you are so close to your extended family, and you shouldn’t have to justify that either. Of course these relationships are important to children too. Your 8 year old clearly recognises this.

I also don’t think it’s wrong to admit you need extra support from extended family in the early years, if you have family that is willing to help. It can feel very lonely when you have young children, in a way that you really can’t comprehend before you have them.

In your shoes I would go home. Maybe just for a month holiday initially, you and the kids, to give yourself space to think clearly.

I spent quite some time in Australia pre kids, with ambitions to settle down there. However, as much as I loved it, I realised after a while it wasn’t for me long term. But if I had not tried it, I know I would have always hankered after going, believing the grass was greener. It’s not a failure if something doesn’t work out, just another life lesson.

dimples76 · 04/08/2025 20:35

Good luck OP with your decision.

My brother and family moved to Oz 12 years ago when their middle child was 2 months old. He was joining the WA police so everything was very structured for him. For my SIL it was much harder but my brother was part of a large group of British/NZ police starting training at the same time which did create a mutual support network from the off. They have both had moments of wanting to come back to the UK. Especially during the pandemic and my SIL started the process of getting her Australian qualifications recognised here. However, their eldest has just turned 18 and the boys are very much Australian (one by birth). So Australia it is for them.

I won't lie, we all cried buckets when they left (and each time we part) and if they had said that they were coming back we would have been delighted. But that window has closed, I know they wouldn't leave their boys and I would not want them too.

We are a very close family back in England (I have two sisters and my Mum). My DC have wonderful relationships with Granny, Aunties, Uncle and cousins so I guess I am not impartial here.

Hope that you can reach some sort of agreement- the distance and cost of flights does make compromise very tricky