Moved to Aus from the Uk

[mummaAusUk]

Hi,
I'm posting in here as I don't have anyone I can't talk to who won't judge. I moved to Aus from the UK with my partner of 10 years and 2 children. We've been here a year now and I've really struggled since we arrived. I've made friends and really tried but I just feel like this isn't for me and I made a big mistake. I miss my family so much and I miss being able to share my little ones with family.

I've tried explaining this to my partner and told him how unhappy I am but he just keeps telling me how much he loves his job and that I need to give it longer. I've explained that I know I want to go home and no amount of time is going to change that. One of my children also wants to go home and isn't loving life here. My partner as said he resents me for trying to ruin his dreams and that I should head home with the kids and he will visit. That really hit hard and I don't understand how he can say that. We're such a close family. im struggling so much. I feel so alone and upset.

Pp are pressing you for location as a way to try and suggest stuff to do or to tell you it’s a great place.

No, they’re asking for locations because some of what the OP says just doesn’t ring true. “Australia is always hot and there’s nothing to do but go to the beach”. To anyone who has actually lived in Australia, this is ridiculous.

And also to understand the level of culture shock the OP might be having!
The OP has confirmed they haven't moved to a major city and it's hot all year so it must be somewhere up north - northern WA, NT, north Qld. However she also mentions the beach - I personally am not going swimming at a beach in those places because I'm not a fan of crocodiles. I'll admit though i won't swim even if a local says there hasn't been a croc sighting for 5 years - OP may be braver than me.

Of course it's relevant to your post.

You have come from a small island, to a massive country with vast conditions.

You asked for advice on your situation and are getting frustrated with the replies that you aren't keen on. But you have refused to answer that question. Conditions are be harsher in some places over others, and can very well be a factor in you not settling.

This is true it is hot all year round.
I never said there wasn't anything at all to do other then the beach. We do other things. What I was meaning is although it's amazing have a beach so local (and beautiful) the novelty also eventually wears off and you wonder if it's all worth it.

I don't swim in the ocean either 😄 more for the stingers.

I'm not frustrated with the answers some are just very rude and although asking for advice I didn't ask for harsh comments, honesty is fine.

You must be very far north. Obviously not inland since you have a local beach, I'm assuming.

I'm curious how it was meant to work that this is a four year training program yet you were going to evaluate whether to come home in a year? Is the training something that will benefit him when returning tot the UK after the 4 years? If you decided to do that. Committing to a four year program seems more like a 4 year commitment than a re-evaluate after one year thing.

My advice would be to move back home or at the very least give a major city a go - remote Australia is very different to the much more multicultural cities. But given you miss family so much I'd be looking to move back home if your partner is prepared to let you take the children out of the country.

So you are in the north, yes? If you can’t swim in the ocean and there aren’t stinger nets. I do wish you’d just say so that those who know Australia can help you better. There is a colossal difference between living in the sub tropics and Melbourne.

NRTWT but have read all op's posts.

I want to give you a big hug! I've no experience of how you're feeling but is there any chance you could come back to the UK for a trial period or would your DH want to make it permanent? Could you try living apart for, say, 6 months, and you could then weigh up if you could cope in the UK as a single parent or not? You've been so brave moving in the first place and just as brave even considering admitting it's not for you. How would you manage for childcare/can you walk straight into a job/where would you live? Would you be able to play happy families so he still felt like a dad or would it be an official separation? I always feel that if, after you've looked at a situation with your head (and not just your heart) that if your gut is still telling you something....well, it's time to listen. Good luck x

True!
I think in any job you're committing. That doesn't mean you're not going to move/leave if things didn't work out. We did agree to re-evaluate after one year. Why would we not want to touch base and see how we're feeling. It would benefit him either place yes. But he can also get the qualifications either place too.

If he can get the same qualifications elsewhere, then it's moot. In other cases, if he left after a year he might never get the qualification, so I can see why he'd want to stick that out. There is a difference between saying a job isn't working and returning and giving up on a qualification you can't get elsewhere.

I don't understand this obsession with questioning OP about whereabouts she us exactly. Some posters seem to take it as a personal slight that OP would rather be in the UK than Oz. The way I read her posts is that Australia could be everything she ever dreamed of but without her parents, siblings etc., it is not paradise for her.

I read it as being about relationships rather than the individual country. I suspect if OP's parents moved out to Aus, she'd prefer to stay there.

But the job is working out for your DP. It’s his job, not yours. By not working you are in effect a trailing spouse.

Just a year to make a decision is absolutely not long enough and I'm surprised your partner agreed to this. If you return to UK, and you seem determined to, be prepared to be either a single parent at some point or live with a man who resents you.

But both parents agreed they don’t want to put the kids out to external care, which would have to happen for both to work because neither has family in Aus. So one of them has to be a SAHP and because she is not the one there to train, it falls on the OP.

I disagree. Once more we see a woman who is fully committed to her husband and family painted as an also ran as she family builds. THATS DEDICATED HARD WORK. I sometimes expect that men will do it but I find it astonishing when women do it. I personally worked whilst raising my family but would not attempt to denigrate another woman who chooses not to. The dynamic within the relationship however some times shifts and that is because societally we chronically underestimate the value of women's work within the family.

It so isn't! It's bloody freezing in Tassie and Victoria. NSW Highlands will also be covered in snow. Can't speak for Adelaide but suspect the.same as desert edge. Know that of which you speak.

Both you and the poster you are responding to are correct, but neither are addressing the core message. Much as we'd all like to know where she is , it's not going to alter the fact that she's miserable. No number of suggestions for getting out and about will solve her issue. Suggestions, though correct, that a year or 2 will make the difference, are incomprehensible to a young child and it's mother.

I think those were more in response to her claim Australia was bland and boring. People thought they could maybe help with that.

Was that her? I think that was someone who said they were there on hols for about a week but knew all there was to say about a continent of 6 huge states and 20 million people .

I agree with you that women's work within the family is underestimated and also agree that it's not ok to denigrate women's choices if they decide to be a SAHM.

However, trailing spouse syndrome is a well-known issue among expats and even though the OP has chosen, in discussion with her partner, to stay at home, she will have similar issues to other trailing spouses.

www.internationalcitizens.com/blog/trailing-spouse-syndrome/

Excellent post, there speaks a voice of reason.
Also really wish some posters would stop demanding asking to know where in Australia the OP is. No doubt their intentions are good and they want to help but the OP obviously doesn't want to say and has explained why so it all just ends up going round in circles

I would do everything I could to keep the family together HOWEVER I would have a serious chat with him about his 'fine just go' message. Massive red flag. You need to find out if it was a throw away comment or if he meant it. If he meant it then that's worrying because you are giving up a lot for someone not invested in your family unit.

I’ve said several times in this thread already that the OP should go home (sooner rather than later because The Hague Convention could end up trapping her in Australia) because the fundamental problem is that she deeply misses her extended family and wants her children to have that closeness and support. I have never suggested she should give it more time. I think waiting longer could be disastrous for her.